Charlie Morton aka Ground Chuck was playing “Hamburger Patty Cake” with the Mariners yesterday — 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, 0 walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.72, WHIP at 0.88. Ground Chuck said, “I’m A-1, try to ketchup.” Then he took a long pull off his Jamaican meat patty, and continued to speak in food allusions, “I’m topped by Monterey Jack, you’re whack.” Ground Chuck cracked his knuckles, “I make you so gay, you try to find Ground Chuck on Grindr.” Then, after a pause, “Gay, as in happy, but no judgments.” Finally, concluding, “If the Babe had a kid named Chris, then Ruth’s Chris still ain’t got shizz on Morton’s.” Charlie Morton sounds a bit cocky there, but he has every reason to be. In the preseason, I said, “A pitcher that goes through life as an also-ran to turn it around in his 30’s is rare. One other guy comes to mind, his name rhymes with Bitch Chill. Anyhoo, I’m buying into Morton’s transformation. How about a late-in-career transformation we call The Caitlyn Jenner? No? Okay.” And that’s me quoting me! One thing I did not understand at all was why there were so many skeptics on Morton this preseason. It was as if they ignored all of his previous season, and did not watch him in the playoffs. Ground Chuck is Salisbury Steak’ing his claim as a top five starter. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ken Giles – Could be headed to the DL due to a back injury. He said he hurt it while, “Carrying around this monkey Hinch put on my back for having a bad five-game stretch in the playoffs last year! I mean, can a man get a clean slate at some point? So I messed up seven months ago, we still won the World Series!”
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .217. ‘Member when CBS ranked him in the top 20 in the preseason? They were spot on, if “Walking Into A Triple Play” is a category in your league.
Josh Reddick – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .250. I’ll be honest with you (after ten years of lies), I kinda thought what Reddick is doing is what Marwin would be doing. There’s still obviously time for Marwin to turn things around, but woof.
Max Kepler – Paul Molitor said, “Kepler is going to be okay.” He was talking about his knee or Molitor is the world’s worst fortune teller.
Tommy Pham – He said his right groin is not an issue. His left groin, however, needs to eat.
Jedd Gyorko – 2-for-2, 1 run, hitting .625 (in like 3 games). He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy, but here’s a high energy JEDD! for you.
Luke Weaver – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.22. What a Cleveland stream, Weaver.
Jason Heyward – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .226. Has anyone ever really delved into what a disappointment Heyward became? He’s like Andruw Jones, but, instead of having nine incredible seasons, Heyward had one. By the way, to write this blurb, I went back and looked at Andruw Jones’ career. Doode’s a Hall of Famer if he played in the 80’s. He had some insane years.
Jon Lester – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.10, WHIP at 1.33. His WHIP is around where it is when he has one of his garbage seasons, but his ERA is where it is when he’s on point, so, therefore, ergo, vis-à-vis, be careful.
Alex Cobb – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 15.43. “Wonder Twins activate…in the form of a COBBBBBBB!” Their special powers ask, “Um, Alex Cobb or a half-eaten cob of corn?” “Wonder Twins activate…in the form of a half-eaten cob of corn, of course! No one wants Alex Cobb.”
Chris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .145. This may or may not be the case anymore, but in a past life when Chris Davis was the slugging Chris Davis, he would usually follow a home run day with four or five more of them.
Jeimer Candelario – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .284. “Hello, this is Penelope Cruz and it’s 3 AM and I’m borracho and I want to sleep with you.” That Jeimer batty call is still better!
Leonys Martin – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .295. Apparently, dropping Leonys after the first week of the season was me being reactionary. This is Grey and I approve this message, now, excuse me, so I can slam my head into a wall a’la The Situation.
Hunter Pence – Out with a thumb injury. In related news, he wasn’t out with an injury up until this point, even though this is the first you’ve thought about him.
Brandon Belt – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. No foolsies, he could have 17 homers by May 1st, and he would still end the year with 17 homers. Like clockwork, a clock that counts to 17, and nothing more or less.
Ketel Marte – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .237. He’s in this afternoon’s Buy column, but don’t feel beholden to wait for that. Just beholden Marte!
Chris Owings – Will go under concussion protocol after Owings was Pwned by Pollock’s knee in a collision.
Freddie Freeman – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .306. This was me today. *looking at waivers for Freeman replacements, sees Lucas Duda, sobs uncontrollably, sees Freeman back in lineup, briefly composes self, sniffles* I’d like a mochachino with coconut milk. PLEASE!
Preston Tucker – 2-for-4, 5 RBIs, hitting .288. Acuna who?!
Matt Wisler – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks in a spot start. This was a matchup of Matt Wisler and Matt Harvey. One you wanted after seeing him in spring training and one you should’ve been Wisler about it. For what it’s worth, the Stream-o-Nator liked this Wisler start, though that was partially about how poorly it expected Harvey to do.
Matt Harvey – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 6.00. Fritz Peterson had more success after sleeping with one of his teammates’ wives, and he asked for permission. After the game, Callaway said he wouldn’t commit to Harvey in another start. When Harvey was asked if he’d be fine with a move to a bullpen, he said, “I am a starting pitcher. I have always been a starting pitcher.” That’s funny, because Harvey isn’t even convincing as a starting pitcher in a game of charades.
Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .327. He has Rhysen.
Odubel Herrera – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting .333. ODB is hot like Mariah.
Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 BBs, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.04. In previous years, this would’ve been Arrieta’s one no-hitter of the season. Grey “Subtle Dig” Albright — It’s the Sub D!
Jameson Taillon – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 2.86. The Regression Fairies will chat you up about Scandal, they will help you pull off your Lady Gaga look and they will destroy your ratios.
Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-4 as he DH’d. This comes after he had an abbreviated last start due to a blister. Is swinging a bat really good for a blister? Cause I’m gonna say negatory, Ghost Rider, but The Sciosciapath must have a different playbook. That playbook’s title is, “Baseball for Dummies.”
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Oh my goodness gracious, I am standing here besides myself like Fisher Stevens playing a stereotype in Short Circuit! Would ya believe Benintendi actually joined the home run party?
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 6th homer. Geez, only one home run? Were all Betts off?
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.45. Better than I expected, but I still don’t trust him, and, let’s be honest, yesterday wasn’t that great either.
Aaron Sanchez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.86. This was a tough matchup in the Bronx. Though, I don’t really love Sanchez as it is. Though, Part II: Another One Of Thoughs, there’s matchups where I’d use him.
CC Sabathia – 4 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.70, as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “Don’t CC me on a reply all, for the love of all that is holy.”
Aaron Judge – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .339. Someone with some money needs put together a Home Run Derby this weekend and invite Judge.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 as he was knocked down all the way to the cleanup spot. Wow, Boone, really putting your foot down, out on that limb. (Pun? I think so!)
Lewis Brinson – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. He’s trying to suck us all back in and…It worked for me. Goodbye, Tyler O’Neill, hello, Lewis Brinson! I picked him as the 2nd home run sailed over the center field wall.
Chase Anderson – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunnes, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.25. Sadly, he looks a lot more like the streamer, 4.20 ERA, 7+ K/9 pitcher he was two years than the 8.5 K/9, 2.74 ERA guy from last year.
Orlando Arcia – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .203. Orlando hit it off Miami’s Junichi Tazahassee. Orange you glad I didn’t say Bradenton Ziegler?
Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .303. Cain…Sugar! Got so many runs, call him, ‘You need to hit the John McCain.’ Moving around the diamond like an Israeli importer/exporter using a Cain. Sorry, I just went all Pusha T on this.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-1, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, a pinch-hit shot, hitting .214. Thankfully, it was a short schedule day, so he was in my lineup after he didn’t start the game, due to a sore calf. Freeman was hit by a 95 MPH fastball on the same wrist that he fractured last year, and he played the next day. It’s laughable that Braun seems like the kind of douchebag to wear gym clothing that would read, “No Excuses.” Braun is one big sorry excuse. I hate him so much; I’m going to use my Famous Jewish Sports Legends Leaflet as kindling. Manure meet Menorah!