I believe in all of my sleepers. Yes, even you, Kevin Gausman, but you need to show some intestinal fortitude and less IBS! However, you can only give your sleepers so much leash if they don’t perform immediately. You need to get a taste of the good stuff early on or you might have to abandon ship. For instance, you go into an ice cream shop and you get a taste of the Rocky Road, but they give you a sample with no marshmallows, no nuts, no fudge swirl — they just give you a taste of chocolate. Dubya tee eff! You have to sample on the swirl! That’s what Patrick Corbin did yesterday, he sampled on the swirl. He went 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.38. I gave you a Patrick Corbin sleeper this preseason, and he’s all up on that swirl. Giving his owners a swirly even. Hmm, maybe not that. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Wood – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.93. Here’s everyone with a modicum of interest in Wood: scrambling to find out what his velocity was yesterday. Coincidentally, my wife also has a modicum of interest in Wood. From as far as I can tell with Wood, he is down. All definitions of Wood apply there, I guess. Not to panic his owners, but Wood appears to be scuffling a bit more than his ERA says.
Mike Foltynewicz – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Guess who started Faultynewwirewitz in Tout Wars? This guy with two thumbs, a perfectly waxed mustache, two piercing green eyes and a skin tag.
Preston Tucker – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .429. Hot schmotato alert!
Max Scherzer – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.64. He was the victim of some bad defense yesterday, but the #Metoo Movement isn’t hearing him being a victim, so suck it up, buckoo!
Felix Hernandez – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.71. This start came in San Fran, arguably the easiest ballpark for a pitcher. “Hey, call Felix in here.” Puts a pencil tip in mouth, trying to do a TV Guide crossword. “Oh, hey, Felix. You know Nell Carter’s first starring role? No. Okay, listen, no longer allow people to call you King. You lost that title. Okay, see ya later.” That’s me as the M’s manager.
Hunter Pence – Scratched due to his thumb. I know he looks like a Gangly Manbird, but what the hell is he doing scratching with a thumb.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 10 baserunners, 1 K. Cueto should star in a boring TV cop show – Cueto & Blach! They can’t arrest anyone. They lure them to an island and then strand them there. Set in Honolulu. With Pablo Sandoval as Punchy, but it’s pronounced poon-che, and he’s constantly correcting people.
Pablo Sandoval – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. Also, hitting their first homer, and possibly last for a while, were Gorkys Hernandez (3-for-4, 1 run), Brandon Crawford (2-for-4, 2 RBIs) and Brandon Belt (3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs). The rest of the Giants team collectively has finally moved in front of Joe Panik in the home run chase. All homers came off the recently dethroned Felix. Those four should induct F-Her into Cooperstown. “Here lies the pitcher that was nicknamed by Razzball, F-Her…” Wait, that’s not how induction ceremonies start.
Carlos Martinez – 8 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.92. Sonavabench! Well, you can thank me for that start. That benching was totally from just having too much time on my hands. I had him in my lineup until about 7 PM, then right before game time, I benched him. It was in Miller! He looked terrible first time out! His hair is goofy! DAH!
Yadier Molina – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .261. As Annie Hall would say, well, Yadi da.
Christian Yelich – Left yesterday’s game with an oblique injury. Yup, would happen the year I finally draft him. *invites amateur wrestling camera crew over, climbs to top of roof, dives towards a bed of nails, misses bed of nails and falls onto a goat* Who brought a freakin’ goat?!
Jon Gray – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Okay, okay, OKAY! It was the Padres. I get it. But, I mean, c’mon. Dude’s dazzling. His visual metaphor is he’s wearing your grandmother’s bedazzled sweater holding a disco ball with a spotlight shining on him. That is dazzling, bro. Dazzling!
Ian Desmond – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .421. You in the preseason, “Buh-buh-buh-buh-but, Grey, why do you keep drafting Desmond? He’s buried behind Ryan McMahon.” You now, “I think Ryan McMahon is buried behind Tutankhamun.”
Wil Myers – Hit the DL with nerve irritation under his arm. I used to have underarm irrigation, is it the same? I looked around my waiver wires for Hunter Renfroe, who should now see more playing time. Key word there is: should. He didn’t start yesterday.
Sean Manaea – 8 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.15, which was also how long this game took. It seemed like MLB handed out free humidors at every baseball stadium gate yesterday. Well, except in the Bronx. Or maybe they did and it was stolen. Manaea was a guy I didn’t draft this preseason, but I did like. Plus, he’s the world’s skinniest Samoan. What’s not to like? Want more? His father’s name is Faaloloi. That’s also how one phonetically spells out a laugh in Samoan.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Flippant, 24 hours ago, “Hahahahahahahaha, he homered off Josh Tomlin. That is just so great. How is he hitting during batting practice too? Well? Great. Go to sleep.” An hour later, “He homered off of who? Corey Kluber? Um, to where? Deep center? Opposite way? Oh.” Tani.
Tyler Skaggs – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER in 103 pitches. And the first pitcher this year to throw more than 100 pitches! Kidding, I don’t know, but it feels that way.
Michael Brantley – Expected to debut on Friday. Who is this fresh-faced guy I’ve heard so little about? *sounding out name* My-kale–Oh, I hate kale. *intern whispers in my ear* He’s not made of kale? Well, good, good. So, Brantley will be debuting, which puts his next DL stint at about April 18th. Have fun!
Corey Kluber – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.40. If this is his usual bad April, he might have a negative ERA this year.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-3, 2 runs and a slam (4) and legs (1). Not great, but just wait until his 2nd half–Hold on, uh-oh, I’m in Old Take Mode. How do I refresh my takes? Shift-Command-Take? Where’s the Take button?!
Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. This homer’s exit velocity was 348 MPH. One spectator said, “It burned my eyes to watch it leave the stadium.”
Matt Davidson – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .263. Eat a D, Tuffy Rhodes!
Jose Abreu – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting 400. Boring only if you don’t appreciate fantasy value. That’s me side-eyeing you without you even seeing it coming. *karate chops the air* Hiya!
Aaron Hicks – Took 80 swings on Wednesday. At the 79th swing, he said he was going to go to 81, but then, man, that 80th swing.
Luis Severino – 7 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.38. I think the only one that can stop Severino is Severino. I don’t fully know what that means, yet I still wholeheartedly believe it.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. 57 to go!
Aaron Judge – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Or was it Giancarlo hitting a home run with a monocle? OR WAS IT?!
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Note to opposing pitchers, just walk the bases loaded, walk in a run vs. Didi, then take your chances with Drury.
Alex Cobb – Threw a simulated game. He did well, saying, “That VR experience is so lifelike.”
Dylan Bundy – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.69. Nice.
Dallas Keuchel – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.27. There doesn’t seem to be any playoffs hangover for the Astros’ pitching in the early going. Well, Keuchel has been a little meh, and only one of them is really worth his salt.
Noah Syndergaard – 4 IP, 2 ER, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Beginning to think he’s the Icarus of pitchers. How about you fly a little bit closer to earth and go seven innings and only put up a 9 K/9 instead of a 12+ K/9? Yo, you Icarusyndergaard or you major league pitcher who wants to maybe get a win and pitch 170+ IP in a year?
Pat Neshek – MRI showed no damage in his shoulder. It did find an autographed Ken Griffey Jr. rookie card though.
Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.61. His first inning was bumpy like Edward James Olmos’ face, but then he settled down with a nice cup of the middle to end of the Mets’ lineup, and looked fine.
Rhys Hoskins – 2-for-3, hitting .471, and his 2nd steal. Guys and five girls, Hoskins is becoming Au Shizz right in front of our eyes. Praise Rhysus!