Anibal Sanchez picks up the win is something I never thought I’d get to write again. I haven’t owned him since 2016, but my ERA and WHIP still haven’t recovered. Well, the Aniballer is back and he shut down the Chicago Cubs Friday night pitching six innings, allowing just three hits, no runs and a walk while punching out six for his first win. He’s now rocking a sultry 1.29 ERA and 1.21 WHIP with a 14/5 K/BB rate through two starts. Not amazing, but a whole lot more amazinger than the 6.41 ERA, 1.59 WHIP he put up last year in 28 games. Oh bah gawd, the WHIP! It burrrns! My favorite thing about Anibal is that his ESPN profile page has a pic of him in a Twins hat, a team which, to my knowledge, he has never played for. Hmm, suspect. Clearly, we cannot fully trust Sanchez just yet but two straight quality road starts against two of the leagues best offenses has got me #tbt’ing to 2013 Anibal! That was Sanchez’ best year statistically and 2 years before the cold, sad, crushing, harshness of the city of Detroit damaged his psyche irreparably. It may not be Miami, but Anibal is in Atlanta now, and they do have Migos. Also, it’s the National League which is a better place than any to revive your career. Sanchez has a fairly nice match up at home versus the Phillies next week and I might take a chance seeing if I can rebottle some of those good ol’ fashioned 2013 Anibalic K-Roids I used to get on the streets of the ‘Roit. B Rabbit sold them to me. April has always been Sanchez’ best month statistically so if you’re going to buy now might be the time. Anibal’s available almost everywhere and he’s at the very least worth watching as he tries to win back our trust in Atlanta. Maintain Aniballer status, and maybe I’ll consider streaming you next week. I won’t tell my ratios if you don’t.
Here’s what else happened in fantasy baseball Friday night:
Preston Tucker – 2-for-4, 3-run HR (3). The homers are cool and all, Tuck–can I call you, Tuck? Nah? Okay, the home runs are cool, Preston, but I need you to start sucking hard so I can see Ronald Acuna in my outfield by the end of the weekend. Like really tank it, 2015-2016 Braves style. Can you do that? Ty bb.
Ryan Flaherty – 3-for-5. Speaking of Braves style–Flaherty is 2018’s new hottest middle infielder pick up right now *holds hands over mouth like Stefon* He’s got everything: hits, a couple steals, uhh, a .484 BABIP, err *cough* ahem, and even a BUY from Grey who said quote, “He’s already cooled off from his scorching start, and he kinda sucks.” That’s high praise, folks!
Vince Velasquez – 6.2 IP, 4 hits, ER, BB, 7 K. Vinny Velasquez is my prototypical pitcher. All the Ks. All the BBs. All the upside. All the heart attacks. This could be the year VV breaks out and when he does my ratios will thank me after all those years of abuse.
Jacob Faria – 5.1 IP, 2 hits, ER, 2 BB, 7 K. I trust Jacob just as Faria as I can throw him! Zing! But seriously, he’s gotta be better than his 8.18 ERA, 1.91 WHIP. If someone abandoned ship after he was obliterated by the Sawx I’d grab him for his start versus Tejas next week.
Justin Bour – 2-for-4, HR (3), 2 RBI. His third homer in three days, batting .208. He’s their star player. It’s Marlins Beisbol, folks! It’s just sad. Maybe they should market it this way. 2018 Marlins: Sad baseball, for sad b o y e s and emos! Get hooked! 1-800–SAD-BALL Take it away, Logic! “I just want a lossssss! I just want a loooo-osssss! I just want to lose today/I don’t want to be goooo-ooood!”
J.B. Shuck – 4-for-4, 2 run. One of just four players with a four hit team debut in ever! Awww shucks, Shuck! I reckon dat right ‘dere is purdy darned impursive. I do declare.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-3, HR (3), 2 RBI. So CarGo hasn’t exactly had the resurgence I’d hoped for so far as he’s batting just .255/.278/.510. But the 3 homers and 9 RBI ain’t peanuts and cracky jacks. Gonzalez does most his damage in the summer anyway. To review: own Anibal Sanchez in April, Carlos Gonzalez in July. What about the other months!? Idk! Keep reading?
Yadier Molina – 2-for-4, HR (5), 3 RBI. Yade Dade, he likes to pahtay. Molina’s slashing .288/.296/.596 with 5 homers and 11 RBIs. He’s the best fantasy catcher hands down! Ezzz. Which is kinda like being the best Hobbit movie.
Luke Weaver – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, BB, 7 K, 2nd win. Hey, speaking of hobbits– Luke Star Wars! Come at me, nerds! Rebel deserter and all-around holographic dude Weaver now holds a jedi-like 2.08 ERA and 0.98 through three starts. The force is strong with this one, Dumbledore!
Devin Mesoraco – 2-for-4, HR (1), 2 RBI. LOL @ your catcher.
Jordan Mongomery – 6.0 IP, 5 hits, 3 ER, 4 K. I have trouble fully buying in on JoMo, and its not just because he pitches in the AL-East or that he’s on a trash team or that his team is garbage or that I’m-not-biased-that-team-is-legit-traaaash, it’s something else.
Aroldis Chapman – 1.0 IP, 3 K, SV (2). When dat girl u lik text u back “kkk.” Then u kno she racist.
Aaron Hicks – 3-for-3, 2 HR (2), 3 RBI. He was almost the lede, folks! Tryna get all those sweet NYC City clicks. Two home runs including a inside-the-parker off the DL. Were you even hurt, bro!? Now you have my attention, Django. Trash team’s aside, the trash man himself, Aaron Hicks is worth an add everywhere he’s still available simply due to sheer proximity to Big Sexy, Judge, Grego and Garry.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, HR, (2), 3 RBI. Whata night for Eduardos!
Steven Matz – 5.1 IP, 3 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 5 K, 2 HR, W. Mr. Matz has been just good enough to be owned in even shallow leagues and just bad enough to make owning him scary on the ol’ erra. I like Matz a lot, but I have a hard time believing he will often pitch deep enough into games to get wins, but I like him.
Todd Frazier – 3-for-4, 2 HR (2). The Mets have such a make shift line up of players you never really want to own but end up winning the whole darn thing for you. Frazier is that guy. Gonzalez, Reyes, Bruce, Cabrera are the other that guys.
Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-4, HR (4), 3 RBI, SB (1). A BUY! The slam & legs! In Canada, they cover it with curds and gravy, budday! New year, new team, new love? It’s fake love, Canada Drake. The fantasy expert waters are a bit luke warm on Aledmys, partially because he has yet to take a walk this year, but I say why walk when you can run (he stole a base) and hit dingers!
George Springer – 2-for-4, 2 HR (3). Springer about to Sprung! Top 10! Lezgooo!
Gerrit Cole – 7.0 IP, 3 hits, 2 ER, BB, 14 K. Gerrit did his best Parzival impression and logged into the OASIS striking out 14 Rangers using only his Ultra Low Latency VR Goggles, touch-sensitive power glove, and borderline obsessive knowledge of 80s pop culture. I hope you’re ready, player one. Imma bout to strike you out with John Hughes references.
Cole Hamels – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 7 K. When ur not even the best Cole pitching in Tejas anymore.
Joey Gallo 1-for-4, HR (4). 3 strikeouts. Has now struck out 17 times this year, which is nothing compared to Giancarlo’s 25, but still. He’s basically like Stanton except Gallo still hits home runs. JK, Michael, I will always love you.
Andrew Heaney – 5.0 IP, 7 hits, 3 ER, BB, 7 K. Putting on a Shohei? Believe it or not, Andrew Heaney was almost the lede but I couldn’t think of a headline then he had one bad inning and I went “Nah” real quick like the second half of a Drake meme. Still through the first four innings I was like the first half of a Drake meme. He has a rough match up with the Red Sox next week but if he survives that I’m all aboard the post-post-post-post-POST hype sleeper train for Heaney. Get on while there’s room before Shohei fans buy out all the seats.
Albert Pujols – 2-for-5, HR (3), 3 RBI. Ungrateful millenials and their smart apps and snap phones. Alby taught Shohei everything he knows. Back in Pujols’ day, sluggers slugged and pitchers pitched. These days, these look-at-me glory hogs with their showboating and their high 90s heaters, curveballs that would break Steph Curry’s ankles, ninja batspeed and see-ya-later slams. They’re disrespecting the game! Smh.
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, run. Sho. Hei. Oh. Tani. Say it with me, Jerry! “SHO-HEI OHTANNNNI!!!!” I asked Grey if I could write a weekly post where I just gush about Shohei for 2000 words. I don’t think he’s getting my emails. You may have noticed I slyly snuck in some Shohei love into the Pujols blurb, I’m almost done with my Ohtani comic. It combines concepts and scenes from your favorite mangas with the DH, SP we all know and are falling dangerously more in love with by the game. About to start a Facebook Petition page urging the Sciosciapath to finally bat Ohtani next to Trout. He belongs beside the best in the world. I’ll give it another week.
Ian Kinsler – 3-for-4, 2 SB (2). He’s no Shohei (last reference I swear), but he’s got four hits, a home run and two steals in just two games since returning from the DL. Those are Shohei numbers, folks. (I lied!) He’s leading off for one of the hottest teams in baseball, and the Angels seem like they have something special going right now. *cough Mike Trout cough* The last time the Angels were a special team we got rally monkeys and thunder sticks. Probably the two worst things about baseball in the early 2000s. Let’s not make the same mistake twice.
Tyson Ross – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, 0 ER, BB, 5 K. Ty has always been a true Hodgepadre at heart. Why did you ever leave to go to Tejas of all places. No wonder you’ve been hurt. The 3.50 ERA is meh but 14/4 K/BB is more “oh ok, now I see.” Overall 7/10 Will stream again.
Mitch Haniger – 2-for-4, HR (3), 4 RBI. Even thinking about writing a blurb about makes me sleepy. Or it could be those two ambien I just took. Zzz?
Khris Davis – 2-for-4, 2 HR, (4), 3 RBI. Kish Davish! The power Khris compels me! The power of Khris compels me!
Andrew Triggs – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 4 K. I always confuse Triggs and Tyler Skaggs, probably cause they’re medicocre-ish AL West pitchers and I’ve streamed them both. Sometime I plan on going with Triggs but then at the last minute I Skaggs. Keeps my opponents off-guard.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, HR (5). “But can he get on base?” asks Brad Pitt Moneyball meme. Who cares as long as he’s hitting ding dongs! Also, memes can talk!? My dream! It’s really happening.
Zack Greinke – 6.1 IP, 5 hits, 4 ER, BB, 7 K, first win. Owning Grienke, I feel like I’m living in A Quiet Place watching his starts. I’m like cool-guy Jim from the Office turned bearded dad hunk, tip-toeing around the first five innings/50 minutes and everything is going just fine and I’m married to babe Emily Blunt then all of a sudden a giant unexplained, hard-to-see monster comes out and destroys my ERA and WHIP in the 6th and errybody is literally speechless. Oh no wait–was that a spoiler? Shhhh! Oh, no was that?! Not shhh? err, maybe I should just be quiet…or not!? I don’t know!
Cody Bellinger – 3-for-5, HR (2). OK, so he’s a little bit off his homer per-game pace of 2017, but it’s still early. In fact, he wasn’t called up till late April so this time last year he still had yet to even hit a big league home run, so there’s that! Hmm. I’m just not going to say anything and will assume/hope the Dodgers can fix this quickly somehow by throwing money at it.
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!