For thousands of millennia, which is millions of years, Samoans were a persecuted people, due to their big bones. One Samoan, Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la told one reporter, “If you ordered a flank steak, and got a thick ribeye, you’d be so pleased,” then Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la got choked up, “But if you order a five-foot, six-inch man and get a 485-pound man wearing a grass skirt, you make fun.” However, through all this ridicule, the Samoans always had their main industry on the island. An industry that sustained their people. An industry that brought everyone together. However, this industry has taken a hit this last year. This industry is manufacturing tiki torches. Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la said, “Now tiki torches make us racist?! We’re big-boned Islanders, we can’t be racist!” Now, the Samoan people may have had their torches snuffed, but have a new bright spot: Sean Manaea. He’s not big-boned and he has no apostrophes in his last name, but I can assure you he is Samoan. He’s also a straight dazzlenozzle so far this year. His command is at a minuscule 0.6 K/9, and his xFIP is 3.40. His velocity is a little off, and his Ks haven’t been outstanding, but in the early going, with pitching as it’s been, I’d buy Manaea everywhere. If not for him, do it for Fa’a’la’a’la’la’la. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Chris Iannetta – I used my waiver claim the other day to pick up Iannetta, which is to say I don’t think very highly of my waiver claim.
Tyler Austin – Imagine if one of these secondary guys on the Yanks clicks, it’ll be like Jay Z and Beyonce having everything, and also having the world’s cutest kid. Tyler Austin, you better not be Blue Ivy! I can only handle so much!
Ryan Flaherty – More of a hot schmotato than anything, but if you grab him exactly when you drop Jack Flaherty, you can switch the two like Indiana Jones and two idols, and a wall won’t come down on your team.
Yolmer Sanchez – The White Sox look better than I expected. They don’t look great — they might strike out every game like they’re facing a pitching machine that has taken over the world with 128 MPH fastballs in a dystopian future. Yolmer, incredibly, has been one of the better contact guys.
Brian Anderson – Not overly impressed with the Marlins, so I’m like everyone who has ever seen and/or heard about the Marlins, but Brinson and Anderson have peaked my interest, which is not a euphemism for a pup tent, which is a euphemism.
Christian Villanueva – In three months, we’re going to look back at this first week and think, “Damn, I wish I grabbed (insert name).” It’s not 100% clear who that player is yet, but I’m leaning towards Villanueva.
Miguel Andujar – Did you hear about the senile Latino? He kept calling everyone, “Andujar.”
Eduardo Escobar – I don’t want to say you’re Robert De Niro in the Awakenings with your reaction time, but are you waiting 79 games into Polanco’s suspension to pick up Escobar?
Cory Spangenberg – With Wil Myers on the Dizz-Elly (totally a saying!), Spangenberg could see more playing time. I could’ve also listed Hunter Renfroe, and, what do you know, I just did. Snuck it up on you! Or sneaked, if some nerds are reading. NERDS!
Dansby Swanson – He’s hitting over .300 through, like, a week. So early, Shirley. I hear that loud and clear, 10-4, good buddy, but maybe, who knows, Swanson’s figured out that special something, like, hitting a baseball. Worth a flyer to see.
Aledmys Diaz – Not sure how his injury is healing, but I will bet everything Cougs and I have in our life savings that Diaz returns before Tulo. Though, if you heard our last podcast, since then, Cougs has decided our dog, Ted, needs a behavioral psychologist, so you can imagine how much we have saved. Very frugal, my wife.
Jake Marisnick – Jake 61*nick is playing like one of those vintage years from Drew Stubbs. Not every day, but when he does play he’s homering and/or stealing.
Lewis Brinson – Yes, he’s about a month away from a Quad-A label, but I still have faith. George Michael said you have to. Not sure why he said it standing next to a 1950’s computer he called “The Sports Machine.”
Keone Kela – How do I get in one of these leagues where a closer like Kela is available? Do I have to pay? Because that would be even better.
Keynan Middleton – I have no idea what The Sciosciapath is going to do if the Angels have a lead in the 9th. I’m almost positive Middleton, Bedrosian, Parker, and The Sciosciapath all don’t know either, but I would grab Middleton.
Jacob Barnes – Is it me are there like fifteen hundred Jakes/Jacobs now playing baseball? Lot of kids growing up idolizing Jake Westbrook. Any hoo! Knebel’s gone for a few, at least, and more likely a while. I grabbed Jeremy Jeffress, but that was out of desperation. I’d grab Barnes, then Josh Hader, for vulturing saves. And even, maybe, oh, God, I can’t believe I’m saying this, Fatt Albers.
Nate Jones – Joakim Soria looked cooked yesterday, and not a gentle sauté, but a ‘sitting under one of those heat lamps for six hours until even bacon is inedible.’ I could see grabbing Jones, just in case.
Jake Junis – Tyler Mahle – Reynaldo Lopez – All dem early starter breakout candidates! “What about me, Papa Roach?!” I don’t know about you, Kyle Gibson, and please don’t call me Papa Roach. “Sorry, was grasping at nicknames, and that was my LAST RESORT!”
Jordan Montgomery – I like Jo-Mo in the big picture, but, for his next start, he’s also another Stream-o-Nator call. “Have you thought about me? Once when you were passing a junkyard? That’s so nice to hear.” *snorting through tears*
Alex Wood – Selling early is a goofy prop bet. Similar prop bet to: who is going to die at the end of The Americans’ final season — Paige, Stan, Elizabeth, Phillip or Henry in a hockey game? Or maybe Ronald Reagan because we’re not sure what year it will end. If you look at the Fantasy Baseball Buy/Sell Tool or our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer (not clickbait at all), you’ll see one thing jump out at you, we’re still looking at preseason value on sells. With all that said (Grey’s turning this ship around!), Wood doesn’t look right. His velocity is down. Could it be the cold weather? His 1st two games were in Arizona and Los Angeles so, yeah, uh, no. I think Wood might be a long man impersonating a starter — i.e., a shower, not a grower. While the impersonation is decent, he’s no Rich Little. I still like Wood compared to a lot of starters, and I wouldn’t trade him for a chicken wing battered in Flaming Hot Cheetos, but I would explore offers. (Actually, that chicken wing sounds delicious. Can you throw in an ashtray filled with gravy?)