Yacht Rock has polluted my brain. I’m singing Bertie Higgins, dressed like Thurston Howell, III, and wearing deodorant that smells like Pina Colada. And the most frightening aspect of the previous sentence is only one of those statements is make-believe! Cougs figured since I like blended, virgin pineapple drinks it would be a good idea to buy me Pina Colada-scented Suave deodorant. I walk around all day wanting to lick my armpits! I’m damaged! Even more upsetting, I don’t own Xander Bogaerts (3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer, hitting .308) or Rafael Devers (2-for-4, 2 runs, 25th homer, hitting .327) in any meaningful way. (I own Bogaerts in one league, but it’s my worst league, so it doesn’t matter.) I briefly mentioned this yesterday, but last year Betts and Martinez put fantasy owners on their backs (no easy feat for some of you), and this year it’s been all Bogaerts and Devers. On our Player Rater, both guys are top ten for the season (Acuña reached the mountaintop, by the by). Incredibly, neither guy has been lucky. Bogaerts upped his walks; has a BABIP in line with career norms; held all batted ball profile marks from previous years, except raised his launch angle and fly ball rate just a tad. Bingo-bango-Bogaerts! Devers’s numbers are new from him at the major league level, but nothing jumps out as a career year and he’s only 22 years old. Both guys will and should be highly ranked next year. Now, excuse me, while I go lick my armpits. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Carrasco – Cleared to throw to hitters on Friday. That puts him roughly three weeks away, in the best case scenario. The most realistic scenario is he’s added to the roster in September and works out of the pen to gear up for the playoffs. The “Less likely scenario, but still a scenario” scenario is baseball changes juiced balls to cantaloupes and hitters record ‘fruit salads’ instead of home runs and H2H owners are like, “I need homers and I’m getting fruit salads!”
Jameson Taillon – Had his 2nd Tommy John surgery yesterday. Brutal news. Shows the untold horrors to stamp card usage. What some guys will do for a free third Tommy John surgery.
Kolby Allard – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.50. When Allard was called up, I grabbed him in one deeper league and so far I haven’t started him in either of his starts, because I like having nice things and I don’t know if Allard’s nice. It was an AL-Only league, by the by, so I’m not even really using Streamonator for him, I’m justing going whee from the seat of my pants like an infant.
Danny Santana – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer. And you thought Dannys Antana was done! I actually did think he was done. I said to sell him a few weeks ago, and didn’t really believe his breakout. Of course, I’d own him, though, if he’s hitting. Then again, I don’t know if one good game in the last week “is hitting.” At UC Davis, they called me The Hedge Master in agricultural landscape class.
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-4, and his 17th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. All praise the Mezuzah!
Elvis Andrus – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and 2 steals (24, 25). Maybe Elvis is running so much because he’s trying to leave the building. (If you threw your computer out your window after that, I wouldn’t blame you.)
Gio Urshela – 1-for-4, 1 run, hitting .335, as he bats third. As frequent commenter, Silent Heat, said yesterday, “Sometimes I like to imagine the parlay odds of Gio Urshela and Bryan Reynolds winning the AL and NL batting titles.” I’d retire to Florida, buy the Queen of Versailles’s house, put a dome over it to reduce mosquitos and humidity, and live happily ever after.
Gary Sanchez – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer, hitting .235. Since we were speaking of batting averages (Silent Heat and I were), Sanchez is really starting to seem like a .230 hitter, if that good.
Renato Nunez – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .246 with four singles for the Juan Pierre-drove-his-cycle-to-a-strip-club cycle!
Jake Arrieta – Hit the IL with an elbow injury. If I had a nickel every time someone tried unsuccessfully to pitch through an elbow injury, I’d have close to a buck fifty and would be able to pay for this meter I’m standing in front of. Could someone Western Union me a dollar in coins?
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .277. Catchers are so bleh, but I did notice today (yesterday for you) that Jerry Tomato is the number one catcher on the Player Rater and it’s not close. Might be the 1st time a catcher’s done that in back-to-back years in a while. (Posey maybe? I’m not sure, tee bee aitch.)
Cole Hamels – 2 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 3.69. That’s now two of three terrible starts for him since he returned from a month-long injury. As they say in the restaurant business, he might be cooked. I’d be worried about starting him in his next start, except it’s oh so juicy (vs. San Fran).
Jose Altuve – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .307. Altuve’s has a big 2nd half going: .375, 12 HRs, 2′ 6″. Vs. a 1st half: .262, 10 HRs, 2′ 4″.
Yoan Moncada – Starting a rehab stint in Charlotte. Damn, she was always the prudish one!
James McCann – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .288. Gotta be careful about throwing one right down the pipe to McCann. (Hehe. What, I’m juvenile.)
Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-5, 3 runs and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in five games. Okay, so it’s not quite Yuli Gurriel or Gleyber vs. the Orioles, but hopefully Eloy’s coming out of his nearly season-long slump.
Paul DeJong – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 20th homer, hitting .250. Colonel Mustard with the cue ball in the corner of a large room!
Brad Keller – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.10. Had a no-hitter going into the 6th until things went sideways. Keller had a 2.12 ERA in July, and has a near-9 K/9 in August (really cherrypicking here). He goes Balty-more next, the Streamonator hates it, and, I’ll be honest, I’m not starting him, but could see it being okay (full-throated endorsement).
Mike Yastrzemski – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. He hit his 13th career HR in his 68th career game; his grandfather, Carl, needed 174 games to get 13 HRs. And Mike barely makes a blip on radars. Different game today. Blech, get off my lawn!
Sean Manaea – Expected to make only one more rehab start. Time to stash, you stashers! Not a big fan of stashing injured pitchers, but Manaea’s pitched well in rehab, and I could see a fresh Manaea pitching decently in September.
Homer Bailey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.22. I believe I said I liked Bailey better than Cashner after both of their trades. This is the saddest victory lap in the history of fantasy sports.
Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer, hitting .255. While Matt David Chapman trotted around the bases, he muttered something about Jodie Foster. Weird.
Daniel Vogelbach – 1-for-4 and his 27th homer. Thought The Jelly Donut of Swat retired, so this is good to see. He hadn’t homered in two weeks, which means he hadn’t done anything in two weeks.
Edwin Jackson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 8.62, which is also the number of teams he’s been on. It’s a fun fact. The other day I made fun of Donkey Teeth for ranking Edwin above Porcello in his top 100 starters, but, ya know what, mea culpa, Porcello is the dog doo.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer, that’s in only 250 ABs. Ya know, the ol’ 45-homer pace. As some have pointed out in the comments, Sano is absolutely beasting vs. the weird ones (lefties), and barely scratching the latitude of the Mendoza Line vs. righties.
Kyle Gibson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.28. Glad I benched him for this start, but I legit don’t know why I even own him.
Matt Albers – 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 4th save, ERA at 3.86. Fatt Albers looks like he has the lead for the Brewers’ closer job while Hader struggles. Though, it’s just hard to look around Albers. Wouldn’t drop Hader yet, unless you’re looking for a closer-cum-social media manager.
Trent Grisham – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .314. He hasn’t been as good as Boba Chette, but that’s unfair expectations. Grisham’s been leading off, and hitting.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer, a walk-off shot. I hear this upside-down airplane stamp is priceless, and I’m going to foolishly leave it by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Ryan McMahon – and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in three games, and the Rockies play a ton of home games in the final six games. Hey, I’m not telling you how to manage your fantasy team but–Wait a minute, that is what I’m telling you.
Robbie Ray – 2 IP, 1 ER but left after tweaking something in his between-inning warmups. You might want to form a Ray’er circle.
Corey Seager – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. He reminds me of a giant Saltine cracker.
Justin Turner – 3-for-5 and his 21st homer, and 4th homer in three games, hitting .292. Damn, he’s red hot, and he’s also hitting well.
Edwin Rios – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer. The Dodgers could send the Marlins’ hitting and Orioles’ pitching out on the field and win 100 games. Edwin Rios did hit 25 HRs in Triple-A, but, really, who hasn’t?
Clayton Kershaw – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Kershaw’s the blinking white guy meme pitching against the Marlins thinking about how the Mets, Phils and Nationals get to face them 75 times a year.
Dillon Peters – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. In one deeper mixed league, I grabbed Peters on Sunday for his two-start week, and, boy, are my arms tired! I’m intrigued by every pitcher who throws junk and no fastball. Peters has four pitches that he spreads around with a barely 90 MPH fastball. Likely nothing more than a 7 K/9, 2.5 BB/9, 4.00 ERA pitcher, but in lean times comes Sizzlean.
Aristides Aquino – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .372. Just sent a letter to the Reds organization offering to stand on a ladder near Aquino dressed in a tree costume in case lightning tries to strike him.
Trevor Bauer – 4 1/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 4.12. Bauer should launch himself into stands. Holy f**king f**k. You see asterisks, I see ‘uc.’ Glad I only committed one league to this drone-flying piece of garbage. Can we put Bauer on the Elon Musk rocket with Grimes and send them all to Mars? Damn it! I’m going to take a nap… *closes eyes, three seconds later, claps hands* …I’m back and it still hurts!
Max Scherzer – Feels ready for major league action. I do too every time I sit down with my pistachios and La Croix. Scherzer and I, one and the same!
Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. Ha! Pham is so committed to this narrative he set-up in 2018. Last year, he injured himself, appeared to be done for the year, then came back and tore the cover off the ball for the last six weeks. Sound familiar? You better hope it does, if you own him.
Avisail Garcia – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Mean’s while, Pham’s out here swinging one-handed like he’s The Fugitive.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – Headed to the IL with a sore back. *Grey turns bottom lip down* Person passing, “Do you need a hug?” Me, “Yes. Figuratively. Don’t touch me.”
Francisco Mejia – 2-for-3, 2 runs, hitting near-.500 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
J.D. Davis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd steal, hitting .310. Hitting near-.350 in the last week and has four homers in the last ten games. Casino pit boss, “The schmotato plays!”
Amed Rosario – 4-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .281. With McNeil sidelined, Amed led off yesterday. That would be great for him, but I’m sure Mickey Callaway will figure out someone else to hit leadoff. Maybe Matt Kemp.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.33. Best road start of the year for Matz, which, of course, naturally, was on my bench. Sonavabench! Mets pitchers have me not knowing what’s coming or going like Jennifer Connelly in Requiem for a Dream. I feel almost as stupid as Mickey Callaway, who pulled Matz after 79 pitches. Don’t worry, I had Seth Lugo (1/3 IP, 5 ER) in my lineup. Lowercase yay! Lugo hadn’t allowed 5 ER in a game since June. Dot dot dot. Of 2018. I’m charmed!
Jeff McNeil – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. This is the worst strain to a squirrel since the Great Acorn Famine of 1912, when acorns were being hoarded by the government to feed William Howard Taft.