With A Delauter That Hot, It’s A Good Thing There’s A Team Of Guardians

Eleven years ago, I wrote, “The Rockies made official what seemed inevitable for the last week, Trevor Story will be the starting shortstop in Colorado. As a visiting dignitary gets a key to the city, Story earned the shortstop job and was handed one of Tulo’s old hamstrings. ‘May your hamstrings stay forever young.’ That’s Rod Stewart doing the honors.” And that’s me quoting me! Why recap that? Because Trevor Story then hit four homers in his first three games of his career like Chase DeLauter accomplished on Saturday (1-for-3 yesterday). Eleven years ago and a few days later (I sound like a malfunctioning Abe Lincoln in the Hall of Presidents), I wrote, “The last Story with this many dongs and cruelty to the mound was Fifty Shades of Me.” And that’s me cracking myself up over a decade later! Hold on, someone’s calling me back on my phone. “Hello? Yes, I called and left a message. So, can I go back to the preseason and move DeLauter up to the top five overall? No? Why, retired DeLorean car dealer? Because you haven’t sold DeLoreans for 40 years? Oh.” Chase DePitcher, as he’s commonly referred to in my mind, has been getting praise from me for years now. He’s also had terrible injury luck. Is it luck or does he have proclivity for injuries? By the way, you can’t say proclivity aloud without sounding like Dr. Evil. He battled foot issues for years. The fractured foot was a foot he had surgery on twice before. I don’t know what’s up with his tootsies, but if they ever stage an adaption of My Left Foot, I have suggestion for the Daniel Day Lewis part. So, what do we have left (foot? No, remaining, you dolt!) to discuss here? He has no speed, big power, could hit .300 and the Guards are gonna ride him as long as he can foot the bill. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Joey Cantillo – 3 2/3 IP, 2 ER. Good news is he was able to throw 91 pitches. Bad news is he didn’t know where half of them were going.

Slade Cecconi – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER. Can’t believe the official scorer charged Cecconi with any of those 4th inning runs. In left field, CJ Doofus (got his ass!) slid and bobbled the ball that should’ve been easily caught.

Luke Raley – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer on Saturday. Hot schmotato alert! [Raley taps his head for the ABS] Hold on, Raley is saying he’s actually just a good hitter and not just a temporarily hot hitter. [stadium waits] Appeal overturned, Grey’s right! Raley is a hot schmotato.

Brendan Donovan – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. BDon going to the Pacific Northwest and becoming a 40-homer hitter.

Emerson Hancock – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 1 walk, 9 Ks. Yes, I picked him up everywhere I had room. Call me Emerson Hancock Palmer because I got my grubby mitts on him! His velo was up all spring and, if you saw Sunday’s game, his sweeper is no joke. It’s not just that one pitch. It’s no joke everything about Hancock looks legit. Actually, that sounds wrong, but he has unlocked something, and he has excellent command so even if things go bad, he should be safe. 100% all-in.

Andrew Vaughn – Hit the IL with a hamate fracture in his left hand. Brewers with a handpocalypse! That’s too bad–Hold the phone! The top catcher prospect Jeferson Quero was called up! Itch said, “William Contreras, under contract through 2028, is a good enough hitter to DH when he’s not catching, so maybe that’ll be a non-issue, but it caps Quero’s short-term upside enough that I wouldn’t be buying at the moment. The Brewers do a good job emphasizing the value of minimizing strikeouts from top to bottom, and Quero struck out just 14 percent of the time in 58 Triple-A games this season, slashing .255/.336/.412 with six home runs and two stolen bases. He’s a solid defensive catcher with good contact skills and enough power to make pitchers pay for mistakes, so he’s going to have a major league career, but he’s probably got more real world value than fantasy value. Anyway, back to throwing darts at pics of Grey.” What? Quero likely just provides flexibility for Gary Sanchez to play 1st (who hit his 1st homer on Sunday, then left the game for Yelich who homered too) and let Quero act as backup catcher. Jeferson played yesterday (0-for-1, replaced after starter exited) as he only faced a lefty. Yo quiero Quero? In NL-Only and maybe deep two-catcher, but otherwise, the playing time doesn’t seem great.

Brandon Sproat – 3 IP, 7 ER. [dons a potato sack and wanders into the freeway] Why are they beeping at me? I can’t feel things anymore or understand my basic surroundings after this Sproat start. Listen, I think it’s important to have patience in the early going, but when you give up a seven spot to the White Sox in three innings, then you don’t have to go home, but you have to get the eff off my fantasy team, you jerk!

Everson Pereira – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer. Singing his name to Everlong, and his homers are Boo Fighters.

Munetaka Murakami – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer in three games. Imma let you finish DeLauter, but Murakami’s going Big Dong. It’s now four guys who have hit three homers in their 1st three games and two were this year (Murakami and DeLauter). Think what we’re going to find is where Austin Riley was going in drafts, it should’ve been Murakami.

Colson Montgomery – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. What I’m mostly interested with Colson is his K%. It’s too early though for that.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1/3 IP, 2 ER. “Seranthony is underrated!” Three days into the season, “Maybe I should pick up AJ Blubaugh for middle relief.”

Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 0 hits, 2 walks, 5 Ks. If I had just gone into all my drafts only going after emcees, like a music video thot, I’d have McGreevy and McGonigle and be McLovin’ it! Streamonator actually loved McGreevy on Saturday, and is positive for his next start, so I could see giving him a whirl.

Jordan Walker – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. What a great sign, assuming he didn’t hit the ball directly into the dirt and then it bounced 500 feet straight into the air while he rounded the bases.

Joe Boyle – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks. Don’t fully trust Boyle, because of his command, but “zero walks” has me sitting up in my high chair going gaga.

Dylan Cease – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, vs. the A’s, who I might start calling the K’s, because, and this is going to be very obvious once I explain it, they strikeout a lot. I do expect Ks from Cease, but that the Jays had back-to-back starters record 11+Ks for the 1st time in franchise history confirms how it was the Jays vs. K’s. (By the way, the L’s were in Miami, but not the Marlins.)

Eric Lauer – 5 1/4 IP, 2 Er, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks. Jays vs. K’s and I’m not JK’ing. That’s all right, the Jays get next [squinting at the schedule] Rockies and White Sox? Then the Twins twice in April and the Angels? Manfred said let the Dodgers win the World Series and get a cushy schedule, huh?

George Springer – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. How much brain custard does this Zombino need?

Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Takeaways are everywhere and my takeaway here is he hit 2nd. That’s knowledge to go.

Kazuma Okamoto – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Vroom vroom, that’s my Okamotor.

Max Muncy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. That’s the right Muncy, the SacTown Muncy, the no panties-in-a-bunchie Muncy.

Mitch Keller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks vs. David Peterson – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. This matchup was billed as, “A deep league guy who I I didn’t want and drafted (Keller) vs. a guy who I would’ve drafted in any league, happily, who no one seemed to want.” Clearly, a lot of people called it by its billing name.

Brandon Lowe – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer. He’ll zoink-up his oblique or hammy or quad at some point. Doesn’t mean he doesn’t have power while he’s right.

Carmen Mlodzinski – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks. Was one of those NL-Only picks that almost had me interested in learning how to say his name. After watching him (95 MPH 4-seamer, 85 MPH bye-bye splitter), I might be putting him on my Streamonator call list, and one goes from there to just rostered quickly.

Nolan McLean – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Not quite sizzle McLean, but after my dung factory Sproat’d a stress polyp, I’m not complaining.

Sonny Gray – 4 IP, 3 ER. He went back to Cincy and WKRP-U’d.

Connelly Early – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. One hyped starter who actually pitched well? Thanking you, Early and often.

Wilyer Abreu – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. None of this really means anything. Three games does not make a sample size. With that said, Wilyer is in a good position to be valuable.

Rhett Lowder – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. A little bit Lowder now…a little bit Lowder now…a little bit softer now…Make up your mind now..

Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. In one league, I had one homer for the entire season, and I freaked myself a little, so I looked at the lineup and saw Eugenio, Matt Olson, Soderstrom, Machado and–it’s still March!

Jacob deGrom – On Saturday, he was scratched with a sore neck. May I suggest Icy/Hot instead of scratching?

MacKenzie Gore – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, 3 BBs, 7 Ks. He will Gore you at some point.

Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. A narrative I made up a few years ago that I think is accurate but has no evidence except confirmation bias: Older players start hot, because they’re feeling good in April, but, with their age, little injuries pile up and they are less good as they go along in the season.

Brandon Nimmo – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Nimmo found one!

Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, and two homers allowed to make sure you didn’t really buy any nonsense in the preseason about how he was fixed.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 6 ER. See, last year I went through this with Luzardo and promised myself I wouldn’t do it again this year. Promises made, promises kept.

Deyvison De Los Santos – 1-for-2 as he was recalled with Christopher Morel out with an oblique for four to six weeks. Only one way they’d call him up is Morel is out a while because De Los Santos needs mushroom. High five me right now! No? Okay. DDLS has a lot of power, but can’t imagine he leap frogs Pauley, Conine, Norby and Hicks in the depth chart to start every day, but I am a cyclops with a monocle in deeper mixed leagues for power.

Max Meyer – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Thinking of Sproat and Meyer, it’s so funny the amount of hype starters get, then they go out and pitch incredibly bleh vs. the likes of the Shite Sox or Suckies.

Owen Caissie – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, as he entered the game late for Austin Slater. I’m sorry, but you have such insane marbles in your head if you’re a MLB manager and are platooning Caissie out in that Marlins’ lineup for Austin Slater.

Victor Vodnik – 1 IP, 2 ER, and the blown save. Looked like Vodnik was gonna get the first save for the Rockies first win, but props to Vodnik for sticking to the script that the Rockies are awful.

Kyle Bradish – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER vs. Taj Bradley – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER. For the world famous portmanteau, Bradlish. (Whispers abound when he didn’t portmanteau matchup and portmanteau for portmatchup. Had Grey lost his fastball?) Clearly, neither start was great, but it’s still March. You dropping guys this early only gonna make you a Mr. Bungle. No one wants to be a Mr. Bungle.

Tyler O’Neill – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Oh, wow, he didn’t set his internal clock and overslept Opening Day by three days.

Shane Baz – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks. He just signed a five-year deal, so, if I were him, I’d suck for the next four years and 11 months. Hopefully he’s a better person than me!

Cole Sands – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save. Holy shredded cabbage! Wait, I’m thinking of Cole Slaw. If you need saves, like an hourglass on the moon, I’d move Sands up my depth chart, but this is likely going to be a fluid situation all year.

Bailey Ober – 4 IP, 3 ER. BO is strong with this one. Following Ober was Mick Abel (3 IP, 5 ER), who might be more BO than BO.

Royce Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Imagine Royce Lewis finally breaks out after everyone seemed to be done waiting for him? I call that The Byron Buxton.

Cade Horton – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Horton’s win was the coffees we had along the way.

Shota Imanaga – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. “You Shota Imanaga or you Sproata Imanaga?” He screamed at his fantasy team.

Alex Bregman – 2-for-4 and his 1st and 2nd homer. I can confidently say Bregman will hit between 24-26 homers this year if he gets 20+ homers by the end of April or only has two.

Ian Happ – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. And according to Statcast’s newest shizz about wind, Happ should’ve had a third homer already but it was knocked down by the wind on Opening Day. By the by, know what’s funny? People never want to draft Happ, then wish they had almost as soon as the season starts.

Joey Wiemer – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Here’s the thing, I nor anyone can tell if a guy is just hot the first week or breaking out. Wiemer is likely a schmotato, but ya never know.

Jake Irvin – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks. Nearly had my first sonavabench of the season in my NL-Only when I saw Irvin was throwing shutties in the first three innings. In mixed leagues, Irvin Bleh’ing but listening to a jazzy ragtime number for NL-Only.

Keibert Ruiz – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Keibert Ruiz home run in the first weekend is called, “A sign they’re using a bouncy ball.”

Will Warren – 4 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Not bad, until you consider he was facing the Giants, who accidentally left their bats in Arizona.

Cristian Javier – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. You need to be patient in almost all circumstances. With Cristian? Circumstances become circumcise, so to speak.

Tatsuya Imai – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER. More like Katsuya because he was cooked.

Bryan Abreu – 1/3 IP, 1 ER, and back-to-back terrible outings. I wouldn’t be shocked if the Astros let Abreu figure his shizz out in the middle innings while Bryan King (2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1st save) gets saves, because they don’t care who you drafted.

Zach Neto – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Everyone on the Angels hitting (Schanuel, Soler, Trout, do I need to continue) and no one on the Astros pitching well, just as we all drew it up in the preseason.

Reid Detmers – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. Don’t worry, it’ll be next year!

Carlos Estevez – 1/3 IP, 6 ER, and was wearing a walking boot on Sunday. Royals say he’s okay. Yeah, totes. Can’t walk or throw but he’s good to go! After you throw an 81 MPH meatball to Dom Smith for a grand slam, you should be immediately IL’d with a fake injury and shouldn’t need a walking boot, unless you didn’t pay your feet parking tickets, but homeboy’s selling it more than Shawn Michaels. Pick up Lucas Erceg (1 IP, 0 ER, 1st save on Sunday).

Carter Jensen – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. [shaking an al dente noodle at Vinnie and Caglianone to do something]

Seth Lugo – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Could Lugo be back to a usable starter? Confidently, “I don’t know. It’s one start.”

Reynaldo Lopez – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Line looks good? Guess what? He looked even better.

Drake Baldwin – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. The one good Baldwin brother.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks. Someone still thinks it’s the WBC.

Randy Vasquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks. Streamonator hates his next one, but this start vs. a red McGonigle-led McGotigerley team, so he has me cyclops’ing Vasquez. By the way, Rudy released his newest tool (hey now) yesterday and it’s pretty insane. We’re almost to the point where the robots are just managing our teams while we rip cigs and whistle at ladies in front of the bodega, then talk to our buddies about how the robot picked up Randy Vasquez while slamming down a chopped cheese.