White Sox Bringing Rookie Nookie Teel the Break of Dawn

First off, we have to acknowledge we heard the news:

The Pope does his first miracle https://t.co/oslOBeLTWQ

— Razzball (@Razzball) June 5, 2025

U2 was right, it is a Beautiful Day. Though, I think U2 was talking about the new iPod. I don’t know, U2 sucks. Everyone with taste knows. Sorry, I am a natural born hater. So, to add to the uplifting White Sox news, they’ve called up their top prospect, Kyle Teel. Wonder what his favorite color is. [audience member throws a tomato] Geez, tough crowd. Teel was the pie contest sash color for the winner, and the prize of the trade between Soxes. Soxii? Red sent Teel to White and White sent back yarn. That’s from ChatGPT, so not sure. Here’s what Itch said about Teel when he ranked him in his top 75 prospects, “A lefty who takes a controlled approach at the plate, he really knows himself as a hitter and will probably look like a major league option in spring training. In 112 games across two levels last year, he slashed .288/.386/.433 with 13 home runs and 12 stolen bases. I’d like to control Grey’s head with a left-left and uppercut.” What? In Triple-A, Teel went 8/7/.295 with a 25.4 K% and a .380 BABIP. Looking like a 10/8/.250 hitter for this year. It’s nuts how catchers are much deeper than 2nd basemen. In one catcher leagues, I could see trying Kyle Teel if you’re struggling at catcher, but he’s mostly gonna be for two-catcher leagues. [pulls straw from mouth] I Teel you something, I ain’ biddin’ but I could see some of y’all if ya needin’. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Wenceel Perez – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer this week. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and I can’t imagine a more tantalizing teaser.

Casey Mize – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.91. Not to freak out everyone, but Mize has a lot more regression on the road ahead. Not sure there’s a fork in the road he can take to avoid, please spoon me.

Noah Cameron – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.85. Already gave you a Noah Cameron fantasy. There I declared 15-team mixed and now I’m saying everywhere, but his underlying numbers do look awful, so regression will come fast and hard — rawr!

Jonathan India – 3-for-9, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Royals have India leading off as a nod to Season 4 of The Crown.

Cole Ragans – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.18, as he was activated from the IL. I’m so super glad I decided to trust him this year. Two thumbs up. Very enjoyable time.

Maikel Garcia – 2-for-8, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (6) and double legs (12, 13). More like Maikel Gracias! High cinco me! Nada? Bien.

Ivan Herrera – 3-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .337. Currently, the 9th best catcher on the Player Rater, and has roughly 100 less plate appearances than everyone else close to him. Has been around the top 20 in $/game and basically Elly De La Cruz, in that respect. This is me giving Ivan-Herr flowers.

Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.96. It might be confirmation bias or some other psych 101 phrase, but it feels like there’s more starters this year with god-awful strikeout ratios than I remember from recent, past years. Mikolas is at 5.3 K/9, which is goofy bad. Any hoo! Streamonator hates his next, and likely won’t ever like him.

Matthew Liberatore – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.82, and left with the trainer, as if his start alone wasn’t enough to have me dropping him everywhere. Begone, you louse!

Nolan Arenado – 2-for-8, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .228. At auction, I bought the birthday card Eleanor Roosevelt gave to her mistress where she wrote, “I won’t F FDR.” Here, I’ll show you, I put it haphazardly by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Robbie Ray – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. This year’s numbers: 77 1/3 IP, 87 Ks, 1.07 WHIP, 2.44 ERA. Eight straight Quality Starts. He’s so beautiful! Not talking about his pants (this time)!

Dylan Cease – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.72. Every start I’m waiting for him to figure it out, and every start I’m left with a long, slow sigh.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in a week, hitting .317. Machado hit his 350th homer. Not this year, that would be a record, I think, some of those steroids years were crazy.

Xander Bogaerts – Says he’s dealing with soreness in the same shoulder he fractured last year. This is bad news for people who don’t have him in any leagues, and good news for your opponents, who do have him, if they’re able to bench or even drop him.

Jesus Luzardo – 2 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.46. Wish I accidentally slipped, hit my head and had an apparition telling me to drop this schmohawk two starts ago. Stupid, useless, non-existent apparition! I dropped Luzardo before this game was over. Get off my team forever, you Loserdo! You gave up an effin’ homer to Bo Bichette! I hate you!

Chris Bassitt – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Bassitt is one of the few starters who actually should have positive regression (aggression?).

Bo Bichette – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Almost accidentally wrote his name as Bob Ichette, and now I want to call him that.

Gunnar Henderson – 1-for-4 and 8th homer. A home run? Wow, I didn’t think it possible from Grounder Henderson.

Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.47. Was expecting to not love what I saw in his stats, but a 1.2 BB/9 can play in deep enough leagues. Streamonator in most shallower ones, though, since he has a 6 K/9.

Adley Rutschman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Guess there was no further the O’s could go down.

Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.07. Thought he was only capable of a Woo or Boo start, but this is somewhere in the middle. A Moo?

Cal Raleigh – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 24th homer. Narrator, “What they didn’t know was in March, Raleigh accidentally sat on Barry Bonds and he’s been controlling his arms ever since.”

David Festa – 3 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.40. You go into Bing Bong Stadium and you will be Bing’d or Bong’d.

Matt Wallner – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and his 2nd homer in four games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here now, so do what you will with a schmotato.

Tyler Soderstrom – 2-for-5, 6 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, hitting .257, and his 3rd homer this week. Thank you for your sparkling water and bat, Soderstrom!

Jacob Wilson – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .363. Could Wilson be a 20-homer, .350 hitter this year? That’s a top 30 bat. How does that fall much further than that in next year’s drafts? Not to answer but to ruminate.

Max Muncy – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .195, as he was recalled two days ago by the A’s. Did he get new glasses too? He has solid power, some speed and seems incapable of making contact. If he can figure out that last part, he could be worthwhile in mixed leagues, but more of an AL-Only play for now.

Shane Bieber – Will not be making his next rehab start and will be going to see Dr. Keith Meister instead. If a guy goes and has the requisite Tommy John surgery, then has problems with his elbow, it’s as bad as you could imagine. Wonder if he said to the doctor one too many times, “Keith Meister…The doctornator…Keitharino…The Tendon Guy…”

Max Fried – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.78. He’s one of the best pitchers in baseball and I avoided him like the plague. Lisa Simpson grumble.

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .257. I find it amusing that Cody goes to one of the best parks for a lefty and continues almost exactly the same pace as he was doing last year. Amusing, not funny.

David Peterson – 7 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.80. Sonavabench! Didn’t have the pants grapes to start him in Dodger Stadium, but I did start Luzardo, so compliments to my brain.

Francisco Lindor – Has a broken pinky toe but doesn’t think he’ll need an IL stint. Who was the wise guy who put Mookie’s night table in Lindor’s hotel room?

Brandon Nimmo – 1-for-4 and a slam (10) and legs (3). Nimmo found and stole one!

Starling Marte – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Yesterday was a Marte parte!

Pete Alonso – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, 3rd homer in two games. Albombso!

Michael Kopech – Could return this weekend along with Kirby Yates. Mean’s while, Tanner Scott (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.40) secured his 11th save yesterday. Or securrred, if Chingy is reading. Could Kopech or Yates get saves? Yes. Will they simply because they’re back? No, that’s not how any of this works. They’re not gonna get thrust into the 9th repeatedly simply because they’re back. If I had to guess, I’d go Yates over Kopech for more saves, but first they have to stay healthy.

Kumar Rocker – Optioned to Triple-A Round Rock. No relation.

Marcus Semien – 3-for-4, and his 5th and 6th homer, 3rd homer this week. You won’t find him in this afternoon’s Buy column, or find me suggesting you pick him up, but Semien might be hot (like a hotel towel).

Jake Burger – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, as he hits 8th because Bochy has to hit Alejandro Osuna 5th? A corgi pushing colored balls into a basket would be better than some of these managers.

Robert Garcia – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.28. The closerpocalypse has no let up.

Jack Leiter – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. Only one walk, and he recently said he realized he was tipping his pitches, and tried to curb that, so, I don’t know, it’s at least positive news. I do not trust him, yet, but monocle’ing.

Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.20. Like an electric car, petty lackluster under the hood — 7.6 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 4.00 xFIP, and a 37.7% ground ball rate that could lead to him getting punished. Yes, I’m trying to figure out how I can be negative here while rocking Ragans with a 5+ ERA.

Junior Caminero – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, and 37th homer in the last week. Like a Sopranos fan club might say, we love Junior!

Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. The haters are awaiting a regression. Let the haters keep awaitin’!

Ian Happ – 3-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer. Guy is so overdue. [other side of my brain screaming] Ya think?! He’s on pace for nine homers!

Isaac Paredes – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th and 14th homer, and three homers in three games. How much for Paredes to fart in Christian Walker’s pillow and give him conjunctivitis of the slugger?

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.07. I’m too lazy but I could go back and look at old comments from the first two weeks of the season, where people asked if they should drop Framber. His ERA since 4/20 is 2.43. Smoking!

Mitch Keller – 6 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.13. [opens a trench coat and reveals his true self, a terrible pitcher]

Brandon Pfaadt – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.51. Two starts ago, before his 1st blow-up, I told a few people in the comments to drop Pfaadt. I feel those people should name their firstborn after me. At least a middle name!

Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. Raising a Ketel to toast him not being toast.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .253. Recently had to drop Lou-Gu-Ju in my RCL league and the entire team started falling apart at the exact same moment. Lou-Gu-Ju was my ancient artifact that triggers a trap door. I need him back or a same-sized sand bag!

Alek Thomas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .260. For a brief moment, I saw Thomas in the box score and thought it was Lane Thomas. Then I saw Alek’s stats and realized there’s no way. Lane Thomas wishes he were doing as well as two homers and .260.

Austin Riley – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Sell! The entire Braves team is polluted like Michelle Pfeiffer’s womb in Scarface.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. Tildaddy tells you it’s time for dessert!

Drake Baldwin – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 7th homer, hitting .310, and his 2nd homer in three games. You know the Yin and Yang of Confucius? Well, imagine the Yin is the positive force of Baldwin doing well, and in direct opposition is the Yang of the Braves sucking.

Grant Holmes – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.99. Streamonator hates his next one, and I see no reason why you have to hold in most mixed leagues.

Raisel Iglesias – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 6.75. Braves pen is so bad they have a dedicated guy to blow wins and a Bummer. “Bummer, Blewett?” Yeah, no kidding! After the game, Braves manager Brian Snitker said, “I didn’t see the game from the 8th inning on, I was watching the 2nd season of Nine Perfect Strangers. It’s crazy how they’re still strangers.” Wait, it gets better, to stop the pen from blowing wins, the Braves called up Craig Kimbrel. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA–breathe, Grey, God damn it, breathe!–HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! So, to back up Raisel, I guess you can try Pierce Johnson, how painful could that be? [slowly crosses legs]