The title is referring to 24. I never saw 24. Well, I’ve seen the number. I never saw the show. No interest really. Not my sorta thing. I do have a Kiefer Sutherland story though. I think I recapped it in my book, Who Is Grey Albright? Long story short, at my first job ever in Boston (and really only job ever where I collected a weekly paycheck), I was working in a film production office and someone called for the producer and I asked them who they were. “Tell him, it’s Kiefer,” and I was like, “Kiefer? Kiefer who?” “It’s Kiefer Sutherland, you jackass!” I wasn’t made for answering phones, apparently. Y’all gotta admit; you hear the name Kiefer out of context and it’s a bizarre name. Though, it wasn’t fully out of context, I suppose, since it was a film office. Any hoo! Whatever Trevor Bauer did prior to yesterday’s game, do it again! Was it the pre-game chucking of a softball three-quarters of hectare? Then do that! Yesterday, he went 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners with 14 Ks. Well, hello, there. Can you stay a while? Maybe I can make you a Cuba Libre and some Brazilian cheesy bread? His peripherals are gorge too — 11.5 K/9, 3 BB/9 and a 3.03 xFIP. Of course, his opponent, Sonny Gray went 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, and thus illuminates the problem. Gray was solid too, a game ago, and now look at him. I’d grab Bauer for some Ks, but the risk is enormous. He doesn’t just happen to have a 6.00 ERA even after yesterday’s game. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Bradley Zimmer – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .314. He’s been totally respectable when he’s played. Like someone searching Instagram for twerking, you should be expecting a but. Well, you’re right. But I’ve felt some malaise owning Zimmer. The whole platooning him in and out of the lineup when the Indians face lefties, and seeing other players just hitting better has me like an emoji with straight lips and a straw hat that looks like it’s above hanging out with other emojis. Like your emoji poop don’t stink! I hate that emoji! Sorry, lost it for a second.
Yonder Alonso – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st steal, hitting .290. Yup, totally predictable year from Alonso. That’s predictable by a time traveler.
Dustin Pedroia – MRI revealed no structural damage on his wrist, but he’s still headed to the DL. The doctors said of his wrist MRI, “It was like trying to look at an MRI of a sardine. So many tiny bones.”
Pablo Sandoval – Returned from the 10-day DL, but didn’t start. Ants living by 3rd base are like, “When we getting our shade back?”
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .214. Do it for the month of June, and you’re forgiven.
Jose Quintana – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 5.60. I’ve been saying for a few weeks now he doesn’t look right and you need to move on. Hopefully that gets through your turtle-like shell at some point.
Todd Frazier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He’s so overdue for a 12-homer in 15-game stretch that he’s about to give birth to a 17-pound baby in 72 hours of labor.
David Paulino – Called up to start today for the Astros. Prospector Ralph ranked him in his top 100 prospects and said, “A 6’7″ giant with a lanky, but strong frame, and frontline starter upside. Paulino is another talented young arm that could factor into Houston’s rotation (or pen) this season. Also, Grey is so dumb.” Hey, c’mon! Couple of things about that, I Google six-seven and it says, “Excuse my charisma, vodka with a spritzer, swagger down pat, call my shizz Patricia.” Also, Andre the Giant was official giant measurements at seven-four. I grabbed Paulino in one deeper league, but he might not be around long, so no need to rush in most leagues.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .261, as he hit ninth. Damn, I know the Astros’ lineup is stacked, but Bregman’s homered four times in the last ten games. Surely, you can move Reddick to the nine hole, and don’t call me surely or a Reddick.
Jose Berrios – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. But no one sells their soul for only three solid starts! Or do they? Muahahahahaha. Nah, Berrios is a hold, Astros are just a tough matchup.
Eric Skoglund – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks in his first start. You know there’s someone in his family that is like, “I can’t believe Eric dropped the umlaut from our last name.” Skoglund doesn’t have me wanting to pick him up, but he has me seriously considering streaming Ian Kennedy against the Tigers today.
Maikel Franco – Sat out again yesterday. He’s dealing with an illness. It’s been diagnosed as “sucks-so-bad-at-this.”
Vince Velasquez – Left yesterday’s game with a right flexor strain. As someone who was starting him more times than not, thank you for finally getting injured. Praise be to Vela.
Howie Kendrick – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .319, and stole a base yesterday. Okay, it’s not much, but he’s hitting 2nd and maybe has a little schmotato in him.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .284. If I were allowed within 500 feet of him, I’d hug him forever.
Cameron Maybin – Sounds headed to the DL with an oblique strain. If Maybin is nothing else, he sure is injured a lot. Not the best quality, but it is a quality.
Parker Bridwell – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks in his first start. Fun fact! Bridwell is the Afghan word for a woman who looks good on a wedding night, but no other day. Less fun fact! Bridwell looks like a bullpen arm.
Eric Young – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI as he hit leadoff. If you need SAGNOF, Young’s a decent grab in deep leagues. By the by, Young was in center and Ben Revere was in left. Between them, they have just under 20 fly balls of 300+ feet in their careers.
Dinelson Lamet – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.70 thru two starts. Looks like your standard Hodgepadre. Ooh, All-Star Game Weekend Idea! You know how Century 21 gives away a house to one lucky fan if a player hits the most home runs during the derby or something? Okay, new idea! You put hidden cameras in Starbucks and you watch as Dinelson goes in and says his name, essentially, “Danielson.” First barista to spell it right on his latte, wins a house. Who wouldn’t watch this?
Austin Hedges – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer. Let me guess, you dropped him on Monday. Oops.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .174. I believe that was Schwarber’s first hit this season. I might be off, but not by much.
Nelson Cruz – Left yesterday’s game with calf tightness. Or as a rapper might say, “Baby cow say ooh…”
Kyle Seager – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .262. Seager’s started the year real slow. Coors Field, “Hold my beer…” I’m not doing that right, am I?
Jean Segura – 4-for-6 and his 7th steal, hitting .345. Damn, had no idea he was hitting for that high of an average this year. It’s almost like he’s been hitting Coors all year, but then he’d just be peeing, I think.
Tyson Ross – Will go for another rehab start, because his last one was an atrocity. This might be one of those DL stashes where I drop him before he even starts for me.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and five steals this week. Five! Sorry, felt that emphasis was necessary.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. All aboard the Soo Choo train! Okay, all are prolly board, but he’s been hot.
Matt Andriese – Left yesterday’s game with a groin strain. Too bad, I liked streaming him on occasion. Yes, I’m bummed about another man’s groin.
Steven Souza – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and hitting like .900 in the last three games. Souza’s angling for a lede in this Friday’s Buy column.
Tim Beckham – 3-for-4 and his 3rd steal. Since Tim Anderson’s schmotato-ness seemed to run its course, I grabbed Beckham in one league for his MI-ness, and Tim Anderson hit a home run yesterday, his 6th. Why don’t I leave well enough alone?!
Kenta Maeda – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.21. I picture a very long line a pitchers waiting to start for the Dodgers. With that in mind, now picture Robert De Niro in Goodfellas waving Karen Hill down an alley to get a fur. Okay, I’m De Niro and Maeda’s Karen Hill. “Keep going, Maeda. Keep going. The furs are beautiful by the waiver wire. Go ahead.”
Logan Forsythe – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 1st steal. He had a home run the previous game and is hitting leadoff for a team I’d own anyone if they were hitting leadoff.
Michael Wacha – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.99. He can go get furs with Maeda too.
Kolten Wong – MRI showed no damage in his elbow. It took the doctors, Cards and Wong about fifteen minutes of hijinks before getting on the same page. “We’ve looked at the Wong elbow.” “Can you look at the right one?” “We did, and it’s Wong.” “What’s wrong with it?” “Nothing. Hold on, my phone is buzzing. Hello? Sorry, Wong number.” “Wait, was that for me?”
Jedd Gyorko – Out on paternity leave. Get used to Gyorkoing for a while Jedd.
Yoenis Cespedes – Was able to hit on Tuesday. Terry Collins said, “So he’s making strides.” Wait, did he run too?
Tyler Pill – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks in his first start. I saw he had a positive score on the Stream-o-Nator yesterday, and I was like, “Okay, so, basically, every Mets starter at home is a positive, huh?” And I didn’t trust it. Teach me (nothing, really, I still won’t trust Pill).
Lucas Duda – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 4th homer in the last week. I wish I wasn’t so stocked at corner infidel on all of my teams or I would pick up Duda everywhere.
Zack Cozart – 2-for-3 and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .350. Damn, he’s going on a two-month-long schmotato. Might need to readjust my mind pants and reconsider calling him a schmotato.
Jose Peraza – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 11th and 12th steal, hitting .259. If the Reds’ offense were as bad as people thought it would be in the preseason, Peraza would be a star on that team, but the offense in Cincy is top ten and he’s been relegated to bouncing all over the lineup.
Luis Severino – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.93. Someone yetserday asked if I’d start Severino, and I said something along the lines of, “Why would you not?” Still not totally sure. Do people regularly not start their good pitchers? Pro tip: Start your good starters.
Brett Gardner – 2-for-5 and his 10th and 11th homers. Also, in this game, Matt Holliday went 2-for-5 with his 10th and 11th homers. Elias Sports Bureau said this was the first time two players hit their 10th and 11th homers in the same game since 1939 when Ted Williams and Raycess Marky did it for the Red Sox followed by a rendition of Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah on the front of a city bus.
J.A. Happ – 4 IP, 2 ER on a pitch count as he was activated from the DL. It might be easier to tell you who is not on the DL.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .289, as he returned from the DL. Kidding, but you didn’t know at first.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .251. Having a month of May that him and his owners likely wish would never end (9 HRs, .315), but like every great month that burns bright, comes a moth burning its wings driving a Kia Icarus. So poetic!
Kendrys Morales – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .264, and 2nd straight game with three hits, and third home run this week. Morales of the story: he’s hot.
Russell Martin – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Catcher questions 3, 2, 1…
Robbie Ray – 9 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (zero BBs), 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Ray came in second for the lede today, but the way he’s pitching this year, he’ll get a lede at some point. For those thinking I’m a Johnny-come-lately or a Ray Tardy, I gave you a Robbie Ray sleeper.
Jeff Samardzija – 4 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.63. Coincidentally, today is Punch Someone Who Mentions Samardzija’s xFIP Day.
Orlando Calixte – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs as he was called up and hit leadoff. The cons for Calixte, he’s got very little pedigree. The pros, maybe he gets crazy hot for a week before fading into oblivion like all Giants call-ups. Another pro for Calixte is California is the sixth-largest economy and we got all your avocados, Wyoming!
Bryce Harper – 0-for-5. Was suspended for four games for charging the mound. Like a bridge made of bananas, he’s appealing his suspension.