How did the Cubs turn Wrigley, an extreme pitchers’ park, into an extreme hitters’ park, and why do I think I don’t know her name, but that girl goes by She Nanigans? Did they tell some Cubs fan that New York pizza is better than Chicago pizza, hand them a bat and let them beat the crap out of the humidor until they rendered it useless? Something’s up, this is a conspiracy theory that is 100% true. Cubs never stop scoring this year, and they’re being led by Kyle Tucker (0-for-2, 1 run, 7th steal), but a guy who’s not far behind him and needs some shine is Pete Crow-Armstrong. I don’t know about your arm, man, but about to start calling you, Pete Yo-Batstrong. Yesterday, he went 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (9, 10), and his 2nd homer in as many games and he has 50-steal speed. This is not fluky stuff. I don’t want to say he’s on pace for 30/50 because, then Mr. Prorater’s gonna crash through my wall and I just plastered it from last time he Kool-Aid’d me. The power/speed is real, his average is .294, and he’s neutrally a .260 hitter, and he might just be this year’s Jarren Duran. Call him Jarren Deuxran. Whispers, “He actually might be better than Duran.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Not to be Mr. Bummer with the bummer’ing out, but Boyd’s peripherals show a guy that isn’t pitching this well. Lowercase yeah Boyd.
Ryan Pressly – Had his knee drained and was unavailable, so Porter Hodge (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 5.68) got the save. Cubs said Pressly will be fine by Friday. The last Pressly to have his knee drained needed it after some dance-karate.
Blake Snell – Shut down with renewed shoulder discomfort. It’s bad when Snell can’t even throw 4 1/3 IP. Dodgers will not rush him, so I wouldn’t be surprised if this is an August/September return-type thing.
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .270. …and the Teoscar goes to him in La La Land’s Dodgers!
Andy Pages – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert!
Corey Seager – Hit the IL for his hamstring. First, he underwent an MRI on his hamstring. Who the hell needs an MRI for their hamstring? You can either walk or you can’t walk. You learn that shizz when you’re roughly 18 months old.
Eli White – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. So, that’s where Eli is! I had to file an extension just so he can play baseball? What the hell!
Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.57 vs. the Cards who haven’t been good since Pujols retired — the 1st time (when he signed with the Angels). Would leave Elder for Streamonator.
Miles Mikolas – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.70 and he was vs. the Braves who haven’t been good since three Acuña tendons ago. “Three tendons ago” is also how Dr. James Andrews starts all his stories.
Edwin Diaz – 1 1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.91, but motioned to the trainer that he was injured. When a reliever motions to the trainer, it’s the most soul-crushing moment for a reliever, handily beating the Kazaam and the extinction of the flat-billed pitchypus. Mets say it was a hip cramp which doesn’t sound bad, but we’ll see. I looked for Ryne Stanek on my waivers, but he was rostered already, so I grabbed A.J. Minter, though he’s a lefty, so I don’t know if that’s gonna work for me. Reed Garrett and Jose Butto Butto Butto are there too. It’s a clusterfudge of options, and it might just be Edwin anyway.
Guys, trainers sawed off 3/4 of a inch of Edwin’s leg. He’s fine now
— Razzball (@razzball.bsky.social) April 23, 2025 at 3:15 PM
Francisco Alvarez – Him and Jeff McNeil will return on Friday. They should return wearing one jersey and the same pair of pants.
Brett Baty – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .204. Guy is hitting .071 against breaking pitches and .143 against offspeed and he gets thrown a get-me-over 92 MPH fastball. Literally the only pitch he’s capable of hitting. Brilliant game planning from Wheeler.
David Peterson – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.29. He was due for a little come-down, but he’s still a buy, maybe a buy low now.
Cristopher Sanchez – Said he’s feeling better after leaving his start with forearm tightness, and no MRI is scheduled. Ah, yeah, the ol’ day-to-day forearm tightness.
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Feel like he should’ve got the loss and an extra run tacked onto his ERA for allowing a homer to Baty.
Matt Mervis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Matt’s got Mervis of steel!
Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.56. I’m not immune to the Spring Training As God Narrative, and is there a bigger one than Sandy? I was convinced I was screwing up by ignoring him in the preseason. He was returning from serious surgery, but looked so good. I chose to ignore him in drafts and that was really hard to stay firm on.
Austin Wynns – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games that he’s played, which is not the last two games the Reds have played. Fun fact! Austin Wynns is also what people say when someone asks what’s the best city in Texas.
Brady Singer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.62. Singer is around the 30th best starter on the Player Rater; Alcantara is around the 100th best. Weird because in draft chat rooms it was all, “Damn! I can’t believe you got Sandy! Shoot! I wanted him! Ugh! I was about to take Sandy! So lucky!” when Sandy was drafted and crickets when Singer went.
Gleyber Torres – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Prorating is stupid — “Hey!” — sorry, Mr. Prorater, but it is. With that said, Gleyber prorating out to roughly 13 HRs, feels perfect.
Dillon Dingler – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. A Dingler dinger! Celebrating that by sending a poop emoji to everyone in my contacts. They’ll know why.
Justyn-Henry Malloy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .208, as he hits leadoff. Elias Sports Bureau said, “Tigers have the worst lineup for a supposed good team.” Hmm, feels kinda subjective, but thanks, Elias.
Reese Olson – 7 1/3 IP, 0 R, 2 hits, 1 walk, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.29. After seeing this start vs. the Padres, I was ready to jump on a broom, pretend it was a motorcycle and start yelling VROOM VROOM while running around my front yard. Well, I did anyway, but not because of Olson’s peripherals. Olson seems totally fine for deeper leagues, while being a bit yawnstipating for shallower leagues.
Grayson Rodriguez – Diagnosed with a mild lat strain, and will begin throwing in a few weeks. I mean, that’s what they’re saying. Why are they lying? I don’t know, I’m not the Orioles’ mommy.
Tomoyuki Sugano – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 3.54. His K/9 is 2.9! Strikeouts are not everything, but he has nine in 29 innings. He has so few I still have to spell out the number because I’m a freakin’ nerd with a hardcopy of Strunk & White.
James Wood – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .256. Do yourself a favor. A little self-help. A little chicken soup for your soul, and find a clip of a James Wood homer and watch it. It is gorgeous.
Josh Bell – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. We get it, man, you want to be traded in July. Don’t worry, it’ll happen. That was his 2nd homer in five games and he’s the type to get scorching hot, until he’s traded in the summer.
Trevor Larnach – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Hot schmotato alert!
Luke Keaschall – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 4th and 5th steal in his 5th game, as he hit 3rd. Yo, is he trying to steal my heart? [waves fan like a damsel in the 1800’s] My heavens, it is hot in here!
David Festa – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 1.38. Not going five innings vs. the White Sux makes Festa’s walk-out-to-the-mound music, It’s My Party And I’ll Cry If I Want To.
Byron Buxton – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .230. On one team of mine that is doing horribly my top hitter is Buxton. That’s all that needs to be said about that.
Christian Walker – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .202. I am on my hands and knees begging for you to get hot. At least have better stats than Casas, please!
Ryan Gusto – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.78. He was MarmosDad’s hot pickup this week in his top 100 starters, and I wonder what the Son of Marmos thinks of all this. I guesso it’s hard not to me gusto with what Gusto is doing — 9 .1 K/9, 1.6 BB/9 and looks like he might be a little bit of a breakout. He has a 94 MPH fastball, and five secondaries. That’s a lot. His cutter and change carry the Whiff weight and sinker doesn’t look terrible. In 15 teams, I’m in for now. I can’t yet in 12-teamers.
Bowden Francis – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.58. What’s funny (not funny), I watched this game for Francis, and got disgusted, but stayed around for Gusto and became undisgusted. This start could’ve, and likely should’ve been much worse for Francis.
Justin Martinez – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.0000000000000, but dealing with shoulder fatigue. It’s okay, the DBags have Shelby Miller. Insert an emoji that is standing on a chair while on the phone with a hardware store seeing if they carry rope and if they delivery.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.40. His underlying numbers still look like he’s a number one. He’s not, but as long as his numbers look that good, I’d hold.
Corbin Carroll – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Wish I would’ve got this from him last year when I had him everywhere!
Christopher Morel – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer. Morel went mush-a-boom!
Taj Bradley – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.08. Taj Ma-Ace acting more like Taj Meh-hal. Still early and his underlying numbers look better than his ERA.
Ryan Walker – 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 7.27. How weird is that last year this seemed to happen with Camilo Doval (2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.45), who now looks like the closer again, after ceding it to Walker last year. If the span of just this post, I picked up Minter and dropped him for Doval.
Max Muncy – Optioned to the minors. Actually, it’s Ma’s Muncy not Max.
Lawrence Butler – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two games, and get so hot I can’t recognize you. Please, daddy!
Wyatt Langford – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .294, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Wyatt Langford making a play for the top 10 next year. He’s in the mix!
Kumar Rocker – 1 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 8.10. Kumar Rocked.
Oneil Cruz – 2-for-5 and a slam (6) and legs (11), hitting .247. My 2024 fantasy teams with Cruz, Wyatt and Corbin are so good in 2025. Why are they mocking me?
Andrew Heaney – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.72. Why not just pick him up and ask questions later like, “Is he this good?” Just grab him and ride it out until he’s not.
Carlos Rodon – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.50. He pitched well last year — 24th best starter — and he’s pitching even better this year. Cust kayin’.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .415. He didn’t start hitting until May of last year, and had one of the best seasons ever. Welp! Maybe he should’ve been the top guy on the board in the preseason.
Emmanuel Clase – Said he experienced shoulder discomfort after pitching three days in a row. Right. Here’s how that went:
“Emmanuel, your shoulder hurts.”
“No, it doesn’t.”
“Your shoulder hurts, right?” Someone menacingly pats a baseball bat into their hand.
“Oh, yeah, I guess it does.”
Pick up Cade Smith.
Luis L. Ortiz – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.96. Losers love Ortiz. Snap! Snapped you in half! What’s that, you have him because I recommended him? Oh, the dreaded snap back. His peripherals look better than his stats, but he’s a Streamonator call in most mixed leagues.
J.P. Crawford – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st homer. He hit that an absolute mile. I wonder if he can open JRod’s eyes A Clockwork Orange-style and make him watch it until he can repeat it.
Emerson Hancock – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.71 vs. Sean Newcomb – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.43. This matchup was billed as, “Hancock vs. Newcomb, or simply: Manscaping.”
Triston Casas – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer in as many games, and the Homes are finally listed! Honestly, I was beginning to think he was finished. Done at 25. Washed before he even got dirty. Happy to say I was wrong.
Zac Veen – Demoted to the minors. Naturally! To recap you, he’s a top prospect for the Rockies. Only guys they have instead of him are Mickey Moniak, Nick Martini, Kyle Farmer and Sean Bouchard. Veen received 34 at-bats, not always looking great, but he homered on Sunday, then was benched Monday and Tuesday and sent down on Wednesday. You can’t hurt me because the Rockies already have!
