Yesterday, Matt Harvey (5 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 6.08) briefly held the honor of having the worst ERA of any National League starter at 6.08, which means Harvey is the only one happy with Shelby Miller this year. It’s time we addressed the giant imaginary rabbit in the room, Harvey. The Mets thought that Harvey’s problems were mental and considered burning all of his locker’s contents to rid him of the bad juju. Can you put his “animosity for Terry Collins” in the locker too? How about his “bitterness at not being the star pitcher anymore?” Does that fit in a locker? What about “brooding?” Does brooding fit in a locker? Someone needs to salve Harvey’s ego with some Jergen’s lotion because you can see his buttsoreness (totally a word!). His velocity looked fine yesterday, but his slider is not being located with precision. Also, check this: 1st time through the order facing Harvey: .241/.292/.373; second time: .301/.326/.518; third time: .509/.563/.764. What does that tell me? He’s having a hard time keeping his pitches fresh the 2nd and 3rd time a hitter sees him, which goes back to the slider. I don’t think his problems are unfixable, but he may need a trip to the Disgraceful List with a mysterious ailment to clear his head and figure out his slider. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Eric Campbell – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as he played first base for Duda, who is out with a stress fracture of his back, which is being made into the sure-to-be hilarious movie, Duda, Where’s My Coccyx? Campbell is the Mets’ Brett Wallace. I feel like every team has one of these last resort backups to step in once their starter goes down. The last resort backup that isn’t ownable for fantasy should have a glossary term name. Please suggest in the comments.
James Loney – With the loss of Duda, the Mets have “some curiosity” in Loney. Sounds like the Mets are the apes in 2001: Space Odyssey, but that can’t be because Loney has no stick.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, has a hit in seven straight games, hitting over-.300 in that time, and has three homers and zero steals on the year, so I might not break out the noise makers. I do always wear a party hat, though.
Stephen Strasburg – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.79. I saw someone compare Strasburg’s early season struggles last year to Harvey’s this year. Might be something to that; Stressbird was an ulcer last year for April and May, then turned the whole ship around. I.e., Trust in Inverted W and M too.
Ryan Zimmerman – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer. He now has three homers in the last nine games while hitting around .240 in that time. Zimmerman: We Can’t Have Too Much Nice.
Anthony Rendon – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .254. I looked at peripherals and I found he’s not even getting unlucky, this is who he is, which is weak. No idea what happened to 2014 Rendon, he must’ve been like Keyser Soze.
Ben Revere – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer and 5th homer in his career. Keith Morrison from Dateline sticks his head in, “OR WAS IT DENRD SPAN?!”
Wilson Ramos – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .336. Ramos pulls off his face and it’s…Joey Votto!
Alex Rodriguez – Played in a rehab game in Trenton. After the game, he stayed at a Bed & Breakfast-slash-crackhouse and dined at a lovely diner-slash-strip club. Trenton, the Sacramento of the East.
Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.95. I swear to you, if you picked him up, he would’ve gave up 5 ER. I’m not blaming you for his struggles, but I am. Look in your handheld mirror you keep on your desk. You do this to Eovaldi.
Carlos Beltran – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .275. He’s been quietly noshing on pitchers’ brain custards as a Zombino does, and productive for about a month now.
Angel Pagan – Hit the DL due to his hamstring. Doode’s injured more than he’s healthy. He should go by the name Pa-gone. Right?! C’mon, high-five the crap out of my hand. C’mon!
Hunter Pence – Out again due to his hamstring. He said, “This Gangly Manbird will flap-run again!”
Jeff Samardzija – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.54. Bit disappointed with this result vs. the Padres but then I think about how he made me eat turd stew for six months last year and I’m not disappointed at all.
Brandon Crawford – 2-for-3, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .256. Having a decent season thus far and hasn’t gotten hot for more than a few games at a time.
Andrew Cashner – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 1 K as he was activated from the DL. He looks like he’s a background extra from Kingpin.
Jon Jay – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer. The Federalist brings liberty and freedom to all fastballs down the middle of the plate!
Jordan Zimmermann – Will play long-toss on Friday. Due to his groin or with his groin? Does he have a jai-alai-shaped penis?
Ian Kinsler – Scratched with flu-like symptoms. Sounds like someone needs some chicken soup!
Justin Verlander – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA down to 4.02. This was vs. the Phils at home, which is about as cushiony as a bounce house. Stream-o-Nator does like his next start, but I’m less enthused.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Just leave your fantasy team password in the comments and I’ll pick him up for you. If your password is Greysmellslikefarts, we’re not cool.
Michael Wacha – 4 IP, 8 ER, ERA up to 5.04. When you say Wacha, it sounds a bit like you removed your dentures. You have dentures, because you’ve repeatedly punched your face for drafting him. I told everyone to not draft him in the preseason, now I’m saying you shouldn’t own him anymore.
Jorge Soler – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .206. This is about the only time Soler shined all year. Maybe it’s been that dark hole acting as an eclipse overshadowing him. You know the one, goes by the astrological name of Janus Heywouldyoublowme, who went 0-for-5 with his 6th steal in his return to the lineup. By the way, non-science fans, it’s pronounced J-anus.
Mike Moustakas – Didn’t start again due to his knee contusion. Rub some Windex on it and get out there!
Lorenzo Cain – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs, hitting .296, and stole his 6th base. *screaming through Buy Low window* Sorry, I can’t hear you, it’s shut.
Salvador Perez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Steadily climbing in the catcher ranks on our Player Rater. Next stop, Lucroy! Oh man, I just woke, JB, didn’t I?
Jarrod Dyson – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his brother from a different mother and father, Paulo Orlando went 2-for-4, 1 run. In related news, they’re playing every day! That’s good. Hence, the exclamation mark. Dur.
Brian Dozier – Still on the bench in a slump. Can’t be easy for Molitor to bench him. I mean, if he were going on production, no one would start for the Twins.
Robinson Chirinos – Could return on June 9th. He’s recovering faster than expected from his broken ulna. Too bad I don’t have a Ulna Injury Recovery category in my league.
Rougned Odor – 0-for-4 as he had his appeal heard yesterday. Bautista will have his appeal heard on Thursday. Too bad they didn’t schedule them for the same time, so one could pass the other in the hallway while they were talking to Mean Gene Okerlund. By the by, Mean Gene is at least ten years younger than you thought. How old was he in the 1980s? In his 30s? He looked so old then! Is he Benjamin Button?
Yu Darvish – Will throw 85-90 pitches in his Saturday start, and they will be the most glorious 85 to 90 pitches anyone will have ever seen. Okay, 82 of them will be. Three to eight will be jackhammered into the seats. Foul! Don’t worry, Cousin Sweatpants, we’re all good.
Nomar Mazara – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .317. No one likes a show off, and people like it even less when you hit well after I trade you away.
Martin Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.13. His BB/9 is 4.48 and his xFIP is 4.57. At some point, the Regression Fairies are going to sit on his birthday cake.
Ian Desmond – 3-for-4, 1 run and his 9th steal, hitting .287. See, I told you the Rangers centerfielder would be good this year! *slowly backs out of the room, slowly backs into a room filled with men who drafted Deshields, gulps* Hey, fellas.
Andrelton Simmons – Was cleared for baseball activities. So he can scratch himself and spit through his finger.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 2.57. Okay, you win. Teheran getting a dozen strikeouts is all I need to see. Though, according to the ownership numbers on the Stream-o-Nator, I’m the last one to come around, as it appears Teheran is owned everywhere. So, last one in on Teheran is first one out? As every tourist to Teheran has asked immigration.
Jimmy Nelson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Braves. I streamed him for this start, then dropped him before games even began, but it’s a shallow league, and in deeper leagues, Nelson has a 2.92 ERA and has done enough to go full Nelson.
Daniel Wright – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was called up by the Reds. He had a 6.4 K/9 in Triple-A, is 25 years old and I just burned seven witches and none of them told me to pick up Wright, so stay away outside NL-Only leagues.
Adam Duvall – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. This is you in October, “Wow, Duvall hit 27 homers? Hmm, I guess I should’ve grabbed him in May.”
Trayce Thompson – 2-for-4, 2 runs. Who is the hottest schmotato in the land? Trayce, of the Iron Islands.
Yasiel Puig – Left the game after an awkward slide. He slid into 2nd and said to Cozart, “How’s your dog, Rudolph?” And Rudolph passed away in December.
Chris Sale – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 2.26. Not him too! Fantasy Baseball Overlord, leave pitchers alone, they did nothing to you! “But they did,” the FBO points to a poorly crayoned picture of himself, “My feet are not that big!” “Wait, this is about pitchers, not pictures.” “Come again?”
Adam Eaton – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. I’d now say something snarky about Jose Abreu not hitting, but he had three hits yesterday. Of course, I don’t pay him for hits! (Technically, I don’t pay anyone. Ask our writers!)
Jose Ramirez – 0-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd steal. Lots of Indians hitters had better games, but Ramirez moved up in the order and had two homers the previous two games.
Mike Napoli – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal. Okay, hold up, Napoli’s stealing bases? Dude runs with cigarettes in his mouth. Worth remembering when you see Alex Avila starting for the White Sox.
Josh Tomlin – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.35. He has only 6 walks in 51 innings. Yay! And only 36 Ks. Lowercase yay.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. C’mon, 38 more homers and I will remove you from my freebie list.
Alex Colome – 2 IP, 0 ER and his 12th save. He has a 0.81 WHIP, 1.29 ERA and 28 Ks in 21 innings. In other words, even if Boxberger takes the closer job back, Colome will be worth owning. In other other words, word.
Brad Miller – 2-for-3, 1 run and 2 steals (3, 4). He’s now hitting over .350 in the last week with 5 HRs on the year. Does it sound like I’m struggling to get excited about him? This will be how I sound about DeShields in two years.
Logan Morrison – 3-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd steal, hitting over .400 in the last week with two homers. I’d say hot schmotato, but it seems like the hotter a hitter gets, the more Kevin Cash platoons said hitter. It’s almost like he coached under Joe Maddon while secretly wearing earplugs.
Jake Odorizzi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.46. He’s been almost exactly as advertised in the preseason. Solid, 7.5+ K/9, 3.50-ish ERA starter that will struggle to get wins. Pitching as advertised for anyone but a top 20 starter is real yawnstipating.
Pedro Alvarez – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer. Finally, Hitter-Tron‘s erotic overtures to metal and Alvarez makes sense.
Luis Valbuena – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. He’s hot garbage under a large man’s ass, but he does tend to get crazy hot at times, so he’s worth cyclops’ing.
Carlos Gomez – Says he’s ready for a rehab stint. Um, okay, but did he really have an injury or was he just hitting so bad he was DL’d? Or maybe the Astros did some hypnotherapy on him to make him think he was really hurt and that’s why he wasn’t hitting. Very sneaky, Astros!
Nathan Karns – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Yesterday’s matchup vs. the A’s at home seemed like a solid streaming opportunity, so what went wrong? I streamed him.
Robinson Cano – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Not even two months into the season, so 25 homers is more than doable. Anyone taking odds he actually gets to 25 homers?
Leonys Martin – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, a game-winner. Where have I read Leonys’s name before? Oh, I know, here, for the last two weeks saying pick him up.
Coco Crisp – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and has raised his average twenty points in the last ten games (hitting .248). Looks like Coco Crisp is heating up. Cerealiously.
Ryan Madson – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and the 2nd blown save in the past three games. Okay, now I’d be a little concerned. I’d pick up Sean Doolittle in all leagues, just in case. Even could see looking at John Axford, though in one league I admittedly looked at Axford and didn’t pick him up.
Ryan Vogelsong – Hitting the DL with facial fractures. That sucks, shame, hate to see things like that, so when is Jameson Taillon being called up?
Gregory Polanco – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer. Beginning to think Starling Marte is a poor man’s Polanco, I will call him Po’ Polanco.
Francisco Liriano – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 4.30. If you own Liriano, I mean this in the best way possible, you will never feel secure starting him, but that doesn’t mean you shouldn’t.
Jean Segura – Left after being plunked on the head. “You owe me a nickel.” Shut up, Eric Plunk. Segura is showing concussion symptoms and went for more concussion tests, which is a series of, “How many fingers am I holding up?” tests done while the test giver doesn’t hold up any fingers.
Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 7.09. Every Diamondbacks fan said, “I’m going to get motel-parking-lot-balcony crunk and try to forget every trade our GM ever made.”
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, hitting .300. Feels like a solid buy low moment for Blackmon, because in the summer, when balls are flying out of Coors, it’s a great time to own all Rockies.
Hanley Ramirez – Left after being hit on the toe. I could go back and find where I said Hanley would have an injury before June 1st, but let’s assume I predicted. And that’s me lazily quoting me!
Jackie Bradley Jr. – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting streak up to 28 games. I’ve been avoiding talking about him for fear of a jinx, but I’d just like to say one thing, is there a spot in the lineup before the leadoff spot? Cause that’s where JBJ should be batting. Put him in the catbird seat! Or on top of the Pesky Pole!
David Price – 7 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 5.34. *Price opens Microsoft Word, the cursor blinking in front of him, a thesaurus sits next to him, taunting him, finally* “Dear Matt Harvey, it gets better.”
Carson Smith – Underwent Tommy John surgery. Curt Schilling would’ve just put ketchup on his elbow and pitched through it.
