Doe, a deer, a female deer that sounds like Chaz Roe. Ray, a drop of eleven Rays! Me, a name I call myself while looking in the mirror to check on my hair–Oh, I’m sorry, I didn’t hear you come in. I was just singing a little song I call, “Julie Andrews is One Hot Cougar.” Yesterday, Robbie Ray did the impossible. No, not strike out 11 Rays hitters. I mean, yes, he did that. But that’s not what I found impossible. I find it impossible to like him, and yesterday he made me smile a little. Sure, this ‘impossible task’ is a bit subjective, but get out of your own head, it’s all subjective! Life’s subjective! Wow, I just became an angry philosopher. Call me Socrankies. Robbie Ray’s line yesterday 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 11 Ks is almost exactly him to a T. He is a 4.7 BB/9 guy and that was his BB/9 yesterday in under six innings. He can’t go deep because of the walks, and his Ks are gorge, but also limit his IP. I don’t hate him as much as it might seem. I don’t own him, but I can understand the allure. I “allurve” Ks. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Greg Holland – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save, ERA at 1.38. Everyone can move on, this is for just Holland. “Don’t unravel, you giant scuzzpuddle of a pitching arm!” Wait, you read my DM to Holland, didn’t you? Not cool, that’s a breach of privacy.
Charlie Morton – 5 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.64. Charlie Mordecai Morton laughs at all of those that trusted McHugh and poo-poo’d him. More like McPoo, he thinks, laughing gently under his breath.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 14 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Unlike the 1st six weeks of the season, yesterday was a good day to throw a starter. Unless your name rhymes with Sklyer Taggs. Can I take some of the air out of the Sale balloon? Salloon, even? Actually, you know what, I won’t. The Orioles aren’t in the top half of the league for Ks. Sale was getting a swinging strike rate north of 33% on four seamers and he didn’t walk one single batter. That’s impressive. Hopefully, if you paid the steep Sale price (oxymoron) at drafts, you get at least a good pitcher until July, when shizz does tend to leave him if past seasons hold true.
Mookie Betts – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .290. Mookie Ballgame!
Andrew Benintendi – 1-for-6 and his 4th homer, hitting .280. You could use Benintendi’s stats as a bedtime story for fantasy baseballers (<–my mom’s term!) so they fall asleep.
Chris Archer – Scheduled to throw a simulated game on Friday. He should throw it at one of those robotic dinosaur parks. That would be awesome. Then he can bean a dinosaur in the ass and start brawl.
Josh Bell – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, an absolute mollywhopping blast into the river. Last year, Bell had the power of a Dust Bunny, this year he busts those dunnies! No idea what that means, but he really seems to be growing into his power, or is a Saberhagenmetrician darling.
Nick Kingham – 4 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.94. True Story Alert! I watched this game ready to pounce on Kingham on waivers and switched the channel about three innings in unimpressed. I said true, not entertaining.
Hunter Pence – 1-for-1, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and yesterday’s homer was a pinch-hit bomb, which takes some of the oomph out of it. “What’s the exit velocity on that?” “About 54 oomph.” Could be a hot schmotato and a Zombino, as neither are mutually exclusive. Brush up on your terms!
Delino DeShields – Optioned to the minors. To keep him company, he will be rooming in the minors with my DeShields 2016 sleeper post, my DeShields 2017 sleeper post, my DeShields 2018 sleeper post and my 2018 Willie Calhoun sleeper post. Fun times.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer and 2nd homer in, like, a few days, which is a major accomplishment for him. Odor stinks, but maybe not completely rancid.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (2), hitting .274, and the homer was another river shot. Too bad some people in the river were doing the Bird Box Challenge and missed it.
Elvis Andrus – 3-for-5, 1 run and two steals (7, 8), hitting .338. So far this year, Andrus has been the Boogie Woogie Bugle Boy of Company SWEET! *covers face, ashamed*
Kyle Hendricks – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.19. While waiting to hear how loud the boos were for Addison Russell, I saw a stat on Hendricks and it reminded me how criminally underrated he is every year. His career ERA is 3.10 in 139 career starts. Ya know, about seven seasons.
Addison Russell – 0-for-3 as he returned from suspension. Also, the Cubs announced that Ben Zobrist left the club for personal reasons. Maybe it was personnel reasons that rhymes with Shmaddison Shmife Shmeater Shmussell.
Pedro Strop – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. He hurt himself running away from his fantasy owners after his last appearance. Steve Cishek (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.18) would appear to be the fill-in, but this is Maddon, and he makes you mad, it’s in his name. Brandon Kintzler has been great this year, and, in deeper leagues, I grabbed him. Brad Brach might also get looks. What a shituation!
Jose Urena – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.82. I’ve been sonavabenched by Urena more than prolly any other starter, while getting burned by him in my lineup for when he was trounced. Few guys can be so on and so off from start to start. This is not a compliment.
Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.25. Listen, I own and like Woodruff, but even I admit I need the Streamonator with him and would not start him everywhere, i.e., in away games he’s Woodbarf.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. Moistasskiss!
Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer, hitting .356. Why not 4-for-4? Huh? What a loser!
Jurickson Profar – 1-for-6, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I’m tellin’ ya, his big defensive play on Tuesday is turning around his entire season. Watch.
Kyle Gibson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 4.19. Imagine how well he could’ve pitched if that scrub Vlad Jr. was in the lineup. I liked Gibson a lot in the preseason, and still own him everywhere. I’d say I hope this is the start of something great for him, but he has four straight solid starts, so shizz started already.
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .233. Guess who’s leading the AL in homers. One hint: You’re in his blurb.
Jorge Polanco – 5-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .344. Is it me or does he almost hit for the cycle every game? Call him Torge de France.
C.J. Cron – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Curtis Jackson is all up in da club with a hot schmotato.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .284. Okay, okay, OKAY! But what did Mitch Garver do?! Oh, not much yesterday. Well, even Cal Ripken rested, especially after a good wedgie sesh with Gregg Zaun.
Jerad Eickhoff – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.50. I’m eick’ing myself that I don’t own him in A) More leagues B) Any leagues C) There’s no C. D) There was no C, why would there be a D? E) Don’t make me go through the alphabet! F) me, for not owning Eickhoff. His peripherals are not saying he’s an ace — no one in the majors is an ace! — but Eickhoff’s numbers do say he can be owned in every league. Podcast Ralph owns him in our 12-team mixed RCL league, and it makes sense to me.
Cesar Hernandez – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and hitting near-.500 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.32. Flaherty can get your everywhere, except to six shutout innings, apizzarently. Looking at his peripherals, and he appears to be a solid buy-low opportunity — Flahertunity? His 10.2 K/9, 2.8 BB/9, 3.55 xFIP tells me he should be as good as he was last year when he had a 3.34 ERA in 150+ IP. Buy, suckas!
Paul Goldschmidt – 0-for-3, hitting .240. Member when I told you to sell him the day of his 3-HR game, and y’all mocked me? He has 6 HRs and hitting around .225 since the day after my Sell, because, ya know, you couldn’t have sold him any quicker than that anyway.
Brad Peacock – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.30. An old man in a urinal screaming, “PEACOCK!” I mean, dizzamn. Now, of course, we can’t trust anything he does, because his last start was a 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER “Please send supplies to this deserted island I’ve moved to after that Peacock start.” His .231 BABIP says he’s been lucky, but he’s not leaving as many men on as he should/can, so his overall luck is neutral. The short of it, Peacock is worth grabbing to see if he can shake out of the inconsistency.
Michael Brantley – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and two homers (8, 9), hitting .340. Best test to see if the balls are juiced? Cough into a nurses hand. Or! If Brantley hits more than 20 homers. I don’t care what he has now, I’d put $100 fake bucks he doesn’t pass 20 homers.
George Springer – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .291. Mean’s while, I’m crying into a pie tin I’ve licked clean with Giancarlo’s face.
Tyler Skaggs – 4 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.70. It’s not even the mollywhopping Skyler Taggs took, but to do it in a favorable matchup adds extra lemon juice to the open wound. Taggs, you are not it.
Jonathan Lucroy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. More so than Yelich or Cody or La Stella that Lucroy has five homers is all you need to know about how the ball is jumping out of the park. Balls so hard, homers gonna find me! That shizz cray. Ain’t it, Grey? What she order, fish filet? Ball, behave!
David Fletcher – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .306. It must be so dark and dank in Ausmus’s head. Can you imagine how difficult it is for him to see the idea light bulb that it’s a good idea to bat Fletcher leadoff every game?
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.86. Yesterday, someone asked if I were buying Boyd. On April 4th, I wrote, “He’s the first Tigers starter to start the season with back-to-back 10+ K games. This wasn’t the A lineup for the Yankees, but more “a Yankees lineup.” Still, I’m buying partly because of FOMO, and since he had 26 swinging strikes, i.e., he was fooling them real good.” And that’s me quoting me! On April 4th, I said I was buying and he was the lede! I mean, c’mon.
Ronny Rodriguez – 3-for-4, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .340. Keep talking about how I wanted to write a sleeper post for him this preseason. Yes, I’m buying him too!
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Tildaddy says this game of Monopoly is over!
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.94 vs. Clayton Kershaw – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.31. This matchup was of two guys I have no interest in owning in any league, which is super pithy! Look at Grey with the pith! Put on your helmet, boss man! Okay, this is no longer pithy.
Max Muncy – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (8) and legs (1). One benefit of answering 500 questions a day, you get a feel for where people’s heads are at. If you wanted to trade for Muncy, it would not take much.
Enrique Hernandez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. Kiké, do love me!
Justin Turner – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 4th homer in two games. Someone’s on fire and I’m not talking about his crotch!
Jonathan Loaisiga – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.50, as he was recalled by the Yankees. The Yankees were like, “Um….Lasagna?” And Loaisiga was like, “Close enough!” Most shallower leagues he’s a Streamonator call, but, not to sound cheesy, I also like Lasagna.
Yusei Kikuchi – 7 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.54. Donkey Teeth is giving me a run for my money in three different leagues. Sure, I’m beating him, but he’s real competition. I trust his knowledge. So, when he kept saying to me that I need to watch Kikuchi, I didn’t pay attention for six weeks because I’m stupid, but I watched yesterday. After he sent me a note saying, Kikuchi hadn’t given up a hit in something like eight straight innings from last Friday. I get it now, Kikuchi is confounding. His windup is vintage Goofy; his name is mellifluous; I see the beauty. Apologies to Donkey Teeth.
Mitch Haniger – 2-for-4 and a slam (9) and legs (4), hitting .243. He’s having a solid season, yet — again with some stank — YET! he hasn’t even been hot for an extended period of time.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .248, and four homers in the last five games. It’s the year 3000, someone writes a comment on Razzball, which is now run by a robot Rudy built that became sentient, and that comment is, “Should I drop Edwin? He’s hit 35 homers every year for the last near-millennia, but I don’t trust him.”
Jose Ramirez – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .205. Too early for a victory lap, but I think I was legitimately the only one who even mentioned in the preseason that he hit .218 in the 2nd half last year.
Giancarlo Stanton – Still hitting off a tee, due to his shoulder. Unless he’s changing his sport to golf, I’m concerned. He’s been sidelined how long now and he’s hitting off a tee? How is his shoulder even an issue? He had a biceps injury, I thought. I’m going to curl into my Trans-Am-shaped bed that I call GianCARlo and try to think good thoughts, but I’m officially concerned.
Matt Strahm – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Strahm, let the boys be boys! I feel like a Mr. Bungle for saying he wasn’t good after one start. Stupid call by a stupid…*catches glimpse in mirror*…ly handsome jerkhead. Mea culpa, if you dropped him.
Eric Hosmer – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, hitting .280. You can drop him, as so many of you have asked, but I’m not sure why you drafted a guy to drop when he’s doing exactly what he was always supposed to do. Mansplaningly, he’s been a bit better.
Hunter Renfroe – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, and 3rd homer in four games, and holy hot schmotatoes, Renfroe is bizzonkers right now.
Wilmer Font – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.50 as he made a spot start. Fun fact! Font wears a badge and calls himself a serif.