It’s time for the Dodgers’ mailbag with your host, Grey Albright and I’m here with Dave Roberts. First question up, Billy from Toluca Lake asks, “Why didn’t we sign Johnny Cueto?” Dave Roberts runs full-speed towards 2nd and slides head-first…safe! Well, that doesn’t exactly answer the question, but he is still quick. Okay, next question, “Was there ever a chance of re-signing Greinke?” Dave Roberts brushes dirt from his uniform and motions for the ump to call him safe, and he likely would’ve been safe if we were in a game and not just taking questions from Dodger fans. Okay, next, “What exactly is Brandon Beachy doing as a Dodger?” Dave Roberts takes off for third, what a speed demon, though we’re not sure what that has to do with the Dodgers losing pitchers one per hour. Early yesterday, the Dodgers announced Hyun-Jin Ryu hit the DL with elbow tendinitis. There’s no clear timetable for his return, but I’d guess sometime in the future. Him returning in the past seems to be a long shot, at best. Ryu didn’t look good after he returned from injury and I wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t return until next season. If you have no DL room, you should look on Redfin. Might be time to get in a bigger place. For now, I’d drop Ryu. Next up for the Dodgers was Clayton Kershaw would be shut down indefinitely. Ouch. I hate to see the top guys in the game get shut down. It hurts the game that we all love. Oh, who am I kidding? I don’t own him, and am pumped about the teams that do have him, losing him. Schadenfreude! If he’s shut down now, I’d say the earliest he could possibly return is mid-August. Filling in will be Julio Urias and his special brand of 5 IP, 3 ERA, blink-and-you-miss-it starts, which makes me wonder if he’s seen himself pitch. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.30. “Kazmir, how do you feel about pitching every other day?” Then Dave Roberts slides headfirst into home.
Chase Utley – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Yesterday, Utley won the Dodgers’ Heart and Hustle Award. Presenting him the award was Ruben Tejada, who Utley immediately took out with an aggressive slide.
Justin Turner – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting .266, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-5 and his 13th homer. Wow, it had been so long since I had a home run from the catching position on my team, I forgot I had a catcher. That gives me three homers on the year from my catching slot in a 12-team league. As Brad Ausmus would say, oy gevalt.
Anthony Rendon – Out still with the flu. Wonder if he got it while flying, cause then it would be ironic.
Reynaldo Lopez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. Well, now Dusty may just keep him in the rotation. *makes nutter rolly finger motion on side of head*
Jhonny Peralta – Hit the DL with nagging pain in his thumb. I love when a guy is DL’d on Tuesday after I’ve already set my weekly lineup on Monday. We should have a term for this, when players are DL’d on Tuesday, screwing weekly fantasy team owners. Please suggest in the comments.
Kyle Zimmer – Will have thoracic outlet surgery. Fun fact! Thoracic surgery is popular in the insect community.
Michael Brantley – Feeling more discomfort in this shoulder. Dung, dung! That’s the donezo bell being rung. It doesn’t make a ding sound, but rather a dung sound. Hey, we tried, but if you have Brantley stashed on the DL, you can go ahead and stash someone else. By that, I don’t mean draw a mustache on someone, but I can see how you could think that.
Danny Salazar – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.75. I guess his shoulder is feeling better. If only the 405 shoulder can clear up that fast.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Do we hear top 40 on the Player Rater for all players? Yes, we do.
Francisco Lindor – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .303. Lindor doesn’t sweat Napoli though, he’s top 25.
Nick Tropeano – Has a tear in his elbow. I don’t mean his elbow was in prison, and it had a tear drawn on it with a sharpened chicken bone and ink. I mean, it has a rip. All aboard the Tyler Skaggs train, next stop, Hopefully-Useful-Ville!
Albert Pujols – 3-for-3, 6 RBIs and two homers (18, 19), hitting .252. Well, it took for eff-all long enough for him to finally get there, but he’s passed the .250 mark in batting average. Hey, I’m not saying it’s great, but for 30/100, .250 is all you need to not have any real negatives.
Jett Bandy – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! When Jett Bandy hits a home run, right as the ball makes contact, onomatopoeias spin out like in Batman.
Ian Desmond – 3-for-4 and a slam (17) and legs (16), hitting .315. Syd Barrett never even shined on this much.
Robinson Chirinos – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his two homers (7, 8). Is it me (it’s me) or does Chirinos do nothing for months at a time then hit a couple of homers in a game then immediately revert back to “Uh-oh Chirinos?”
Chad Kuhl – Was optioned to the minors. Did someone sneeze out the name Glasnow? Or am I hearing suggestive sneezes? Just in case, I would grab Glasnow now.
Gregory Polanco – 0-for-3, 1 run as he returned to the lineup. I was mentioning this in the comments yesterday, I was kinda hoping for a DL stint, because now if Polanco reinjures himself he’s going to be out another 15 days. Oh, well, let’s think happy thoughts. Hey, what am I doing starting an e-commerce site with a Blue Jays pitcher? Oh, no, I said happy thoughts, not Happ e-thoughts.
Francisco Cervelli – 0-for-2, 1 RBI and his 4th steal as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department says, “Okay, who put the picture of Nic Cage in the urinal? That freaked me the hell out.”
Jameson Taillon – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.44 as he was activated from the DL. That came after a 2nd inning line drive that was measured at 105 MPH hit off Taillon’s head. Taillon went down in a heap for a good couple of minutes, then got up and kept pitching. Thankfully, we’re in the 1950s with absolutely no knowledge whatsoever of the affects of head trauma and how it may not be obvious at first that someone has a concussion. As for Taillon, yes, you should own him. Here’s hoping the knock to his head doesn’t hurt his memory on how to throw his curve.
Junior Guerra – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Know the Brewers’ luck? Their best pitching prospect to come along in years is 31 years old. I’m kidding. They have Jimmy Nelson and…Um…Is Jungmann still a Brewer?
Koji Uehara – Left yesterday’s game with a strained pectoral. Well, that was fun while it lasted. Frankly, my dear I don’t give a damn about Scarlett Uehara, and Brad Ziegler is now the Red Sox closer.
Brock Holt – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. Ya know (how would you), I keep looking at Holt on waivers, thinking about grabbing him. He’s hit in eight straight games, hitting .400 in that time. You need to bench him when the Sawx face a lefty, but I would grab him.
David Ortiz – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 23rd homer. Isn’t weird how steroids never come up with Ortiz? You remember he failed a drug test, right? You don’t? Oh, yeah. He said, “I was using what everybody was using at the time,” regarding his 2003 failed drug test. Whatever, I’m not a truther, Cust kayin’.
Rick Porcello – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.47. Wow, Stream-o-Nator hated Porcello’s start yesterday vs. the Giants in Fenway. Not exactly sure why. Porcello isn’t a huge K guy, but stays around the plate and…*nods off* What was I saying? Oh, yeah, Porcello, he’s kinda boring, but a’ight.
Noah Syndergaard – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.43 vs. Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.60. One guy who has elbow spurs and one guy who has looked spurious as of late. Play on words points! Both came out like a librarian in the At The Movies’ balcony, quieting critics.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.13. If you’re ranking just the safest starters in the game — not the most upsidey, just safest — where does Quintana come in? Top ten?
Melky Cabrera – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .298. He’s hitting around .330 in the last week, and, on the year, he’s been about as valuable as Jose Abreu (0-for-3). Yes, that’s pathetic.
Brett Lawrie – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer, hitting .252. For the record, he’s been about as valuable as Abreu too. I think we found our new bleb.
Todd Frazier – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 27th homer. Prospector Ralph traded me Frazier for Abreu. Oh, and he offered it to me. Hmm.
Zack Greinke – Played catch on Tuesday. He hired Norma Rockwell to paint the picture of his game of catch. Not the artist of a similar sounding name, but the porn actor.
Jose Bautista – Will begin a rehab assignment today and should be back by the weekend. Barring any setbacks or bar fights with Rougned Odor.
Marco Estrada – Expects to return on Friday. Finally, there’s an end in sight for this game. The Jays’ clubhouse attendant keeps saying Polo and there’s been no response.
Aaron Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 0 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Member when I was worried about Sanchez having poor matchups? I’m such a jackass.
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .266. For the Edwin!
Devon Travis – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Has now hit in 7 of his last ten games, and has finally moved up to the leadoff slot. Let us rejoice in the Gibbons.
Jim Johnson – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and his 3rd blown save. Predicting Jim Johnson’s first save would’ve been tough, because the Braves don’t have many save opps. It’s like trying to figure out when Steve King of Iowa is going to say something dumb about a minority. Ya know, because it might take two weeks to see a minority in Iowa. The scary thing is I grabbed Johnson for Braves saves and I can’t, honestly, imagine him closing games effectively. I could see grabbing Maurico Cabrera next, which I can imagine turning out well.
Ender Inciarte – 1-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 10th steal. 2nd time this week I’ve mentioned him being hot. Just call him Ender Incinerator.
Cody Reed – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, EAR at 6.75. Stream-o-Nator loved this start; it was against the Braves; don’t get any ideas about his next start, semicolons are fun.
Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 1 run, which comes a day after he homered. It doesn’t take a rocket surgeon or even an Eugenius to know that Suarez is hot.
Anibal Sanchez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 6.60. Six-Sixty is also the weight of the man who would have to sit on me to force me to pick up Anibal.
Tommy Milone – 8 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.71. Of course, it was a pitcher’s duel between Anibal and Milone. Baseball, you are like a cat, doing whatever you wanna do.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-4, 1 run, 3 RBIs and his 23rd steal, hitting .312. Nunez is sixth in the AL for batting average, right behind Bogaerts. A cat that plays catch, but a cat nevertheless.
Joe Mauer – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 2nd steal, hitting .268. Member in April I said he wouldn’t get to 10 homers? Meh, I don’t even remember, I think I did. Well, he’s at 7 homers. One big week and he could get there. Anyone taking the odds that he gets three more homers in ten weeks?
Alex Bregman – Hinted yesterday that he would be called up this weekend. I said the other day with my Yulieski Gourriel fantasy that Bregman would be delayed, but I didn’t mean delayed a week. Then on the podcast yesterday, I was contrite, saying I think I was wrong, and Bregman would be up soon, and how I didn’t know what contrite meant. Bregman does appear to be only a week away, and I would grab him.
George Springer – 1-for-5 and his 21st homer, hitting .255. I’d like to see him moved down from the leadoff slot, but I got enough fish to fry on other teams, specifically with C**nt Hurdle.
Dallas Keuchel – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.70. You know you’re not in a charmed season when your ace goes against Dillon Overton and walks away with a no decision. And Shannen Doherty was at the game.
Ryon Healy – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .316 in a few games since his call-up. You best believe I’m a cyclops with a monocle on this guy.
Blake Snell – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (3 BBs), 9 Ks, ERA at 3.11. This start came in Coors. You know how when you’re a kid you’ll jump off the roof of your house to Snuka onto some flimsy mattress? That’s the only thing I can think with Snell. He didn’t know to be scared in Coors.
Evan Longoria – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer, hitting .290. In Coors, Longoria is 2009 Longoria. *looks at his numbers* Actually, 2016 Longoria is 2009 Longoria.
Steve Pearce – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer as he was activated from the DL. I told you to pick him up yesterday. How did I know? Cause he’s in Coors, doode.
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.93. One K? What a velocitease.
Chase Headley – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. On a slow night, Headley touches all four bases. Usually it’s just a triple with an error.
Mark Teixeira – Hasn’t played in a few days due to fouling a ball off his foot. Trump said about Teixeira, “What a loser, I’m on the balls of my feet with no pain! Sad.”
Starlin Castro – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. I don’t really follow politics, but I watched Chris Christie audtion for when Judge Judy retires, saying Hillary was guilty of letting two Castro brothers off. Is Starlin one?
Didi Gregorius – 2-for-3, 2 runs, hitting .299. If the Yankee team wasn’t so stymied by the past, Didi would be hitting in one of the top two spots in the order. Gregorious is hitting almost as much as he’s talking.
Chris Davis – Still out with a stomach virus. He must’ve caught some nasty bug. Like Jeff Goldblum dressed as The Fly stuck in traffic. Just a nasty, nasty bug.
Vince Velasquez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 5 Ks. Ton of walks, but the Marlins didn’t capitalize BECAUSE THE STUPID HOME RUN DERBY JINXED GIANCARLO!
Tommy Joseph – 2-for-3 and his 13th homer, and 2nd home run in as many games, and and that’s 13 homers in only 49 games, and and and he has five homers in the last eight games. Hot schmotato alert!
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4 and his 10th steal. Regular ol’ Jason Kendall, this Realmuto! I will now call him Jason Tendall Realmuto.
Christian Yelich – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .318. On a related note, Yelich took to Twitter yesterday and denied taking part in a sex tape that supposedly features him. I can only imagine filming him was Jeffrey Jones.