This weekend, I was kneeling in a garden, tending to my Monkey Face Orchid, when I heard some commotion outside my greenhouse. It was my much, much older wife, Cougs, screaming, “Grey! They’ve come for you.” It was the Rockies, and they were trying to send me to the minors. They trampled over my azaleas with their jackboots, dragging me through the soil, ruining my suspenders. I tried to tell them, “You have the wrong man!” Finally, they heard my pleas and checked my state ID card. Before they left, I asked, “Who are you looking to send to the minors?” They replied, “Jon Gray,” and I began to scream again, “Please! Take me instead!” So, Jon Gray was optioned to the minors. Can’t say I fully blame the Rockies, but, of course, I can try. Have the Rockies heard of underlying peripherals? Sure, the results have been miserable, but it’s Coors and everything says Gray should be much better. You really have a better replacement pitcher who is worth ruining your best pitcher’s confidence? He has the 6th best xFIP in the league with an 11.6 K/9. I honestly can’t even with the Rockies. They are the worst. Then, they brought up Raimel Tapia to fill the roster spot, so, of course, Tapia will sit on the bench. WHAT THE HOLY EFF ARE THE ROCKIES DOING?! Caps for emphasis and the hyperopic. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Our parrot, Mr. Broccoli, asked to be cremated, and we will honor him with a memorial service tomorrow, but until then we have carelessly placed his ashes by the window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!!!
Ryan Tepera – Hit the DL with elbow inflammation. Or as Ron Howard calls it, Backdraft II: Flaming Elbows. I can’t wait for the Universal City ride, Tepera’s Battered. I’d grab Tyler Clippard and you can drop Tepera if you don’t have room.
Sam Gaviglio – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA ar 3.97. Mentioned Gavi Gavi Gavi in Friday’s Buy as a Stream-o-Nator call, and it did not disappoint, except if you were hoping for a win, then it disappointed. You and your expectations!
J.A. Happ – 5 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.03. He cruised through four innings without allowing a run, and I went to brunch, then I came home and vomited up my Bennies. “Happy long hollandaise weekend…,” and spewing chunks.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.91. In his last five starts, he has a 1.24 ERA, striking out 23 and walking five, in 29 IP. He also threw more curves yesterday than in every other start this year, and has a 8.4 K/9, 1.9 BB/9 and 4.09 xFIP. Essentially, the best he’s looked since his great years in Washington. He’s not relying on the fastball at all, which is good, since it’s a garbage pitch. Also, his next start is a positive on the Stream-o-Nator, so, for the first time in a long time, I could see trying him out.
Nicholas Castellanos – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .310. The Greek God of Hard Contact is on baseball’s Mount Olympus with Kevin Youkilis and Adonis Garcia. A holy trinity of Greek players who aren’t really Greek, presided over from above by Zeus Aguilar.
Niko Goodrum – 4-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .236, and these were Goodrum’s first hits all week, but Goodrum is really always hitting .151 in our hearts, right?
Tyler Chatwood – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.54. The name Chatwood sounds like a phone sex operator, and this start is what happens when you see an actual phone sex operator. “What are you wearing?” “Nothing, big boy.” “Mom, is that you?” “What the hell are you doing calling this number?!” “I won’t tell dad if you won’t.”
Jon Lester – 5 IP, 2 ER, 12 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.25, and he pitchslapped Lance Lynn (1 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.49). As mentioned in the video above, Lester is a Sell, depending on how much you believe in Saberhagenmetrics.
Ian Happ – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .257, as he hit leadoff yesterday. No joke, I legitimately don’t think there was any reason Happ hit leadoff. If you told me Maddon was holding the lineup card upside down, I would believe you.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .221. You have about ten days to still buy Dozier low.
Mitch Garver – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .262. I was looking at some of the top teams in NFBC overall standings, specifically Lindy Hinkelman’s team, because doode wins $125,000 just about every year. I was surprised to see Garver as his 2nd catcher, then I saw Garver was hitting .500 in the last week, and I shook my head, sighing, “Lindy.”
Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 5 ER vs. the Rays, ERA up to 2.12. Welcome to opposite world. I’ll be your host, Albrey Gright. You’ll like it here; you’re wealthy and handsome now. Go out for some rich man’s chowder with that hot dame of yours!
Charlie Morton – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.55 vs. Blake Snell – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.24. “I wanted both of these guys in March, so why in the effin’ eff don’t I own either of them anywhere? Not rhetorical, answer me!” I screamed at myself in the mirror.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4 and his 16th and 17th homers, hitting .252. Fun fact! Evan was named because he used to live in a van that had an E Street Band poster covering a hole.
Edwin Jackson – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.13. As I always say, a player is not good until their 15th team.
Danny Salazar – Will have exploratory surgery. Somebody’s filming a sequel to Innerspace!
Carlos Carrasco – Will return on Friday, and Francona said he hit 97 MPH during his rehab start at Double-A. The radar gun they use in Double-A is a man, who looks like a walrus, counting Mississippis.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-4, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .296. Most shocking thing about his homer? That Jo-Ram didn’t follow him with one of his own. These two have been going back and forth in the 1st half of the season like it’s Rocky-Apollo I.
James Paxton – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.39. Still believe Paxton is a sell based on his inability to stay healthy, but not on his pitching ability. So, if you wanna play with the house’s money, go for it. Though, Hugh Laurie might have a problem with that.
Brad Keller – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.09. If I could make a Faustian bargain that I could have Keller’s first 50+ IP, but it meant I had to take his next 50 IP too, I wouldn’t do it.
Tyler Mahle – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Not quite that great on perfs (what the kids call them), but a 9.2 K/9, 3.9 BB/9 and 4.03 xFIP definitely plays. Of course, in tougher matchups, the walks go sideways, literally, and the Ks can’t hold down the fort. All of which is to say Mahle goes to Wrigley next, and you’re crazy if you think I’m starting him there.
Matt Harvey – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.91, as the Reds’ pitching shut down the Brewers Saturday and Sunday. Last time the Reds pitching shut anyone down was in 2012 with Mat Latos. By the way, Latos? Now pitching for the New Jersey Jackals. Before you feel bad for him, it’s not all bad for Mat — he divorced Dallas. As for the other Matt, he goes to Wrigley next, and no thanks, or if Rita Wilson is reading, no T. Hanks.
Jose Peraza – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .274, and has three homers this week. Yesterday’s homer was a grand salami, and the Reds have nine grand slams already this year. Elias Sports Bureau said that’s the most grand salamis since the San Gennaro Feast was held in Vegas during the AVN Awards.
Kevin Gausman – 8 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.05. I sold out Gausman pretty quickly after being excited for him in the preseason, due to his 2nd half last year. Which brings me to my point (finally!), I’m cyclops’ing him hard to repeat his 2nd half.
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-4 and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .261. He leads the major leagues for homers in July. Okay, seriously, he missed all of April, and has eight homers since June 7th.
Shohei Ohtani – Expected to return to DH this week, but not expected to pitch again this year. At least that’s what I’m saying, I haven’t read anything to that effect. Just can’t imagine he pitches again. Cust kayin’.
Kole Calhoun – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, and 2-for-13 this weekend as The Sciosciapath unveiled him as the Angels’ new leadoff hitter. Sure, he’s only hitting .168, but his OBP is .221. I mean, c’mon, The Sciosciapath doesn’t need a straitjacket. That’s just ridiculous.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .280. His home run was an absolute bomb into the upper deck. It was almost like he was trying to hit that ball all the way to Cleveland to help his former and future (in about three weeks) team.
Steven Matz – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.46. Mets have already said if they trade anyone from their rotation it will be Syndergaard, because he’s their best pitcher. Okay, they might’ve had a different reason, but this is the underlying reason.
Bobby Bonilla Day reminds me of the time in 1994 I didn’t pay $2.88 for a gallon of milk because I wanted to buy a Mike Hampton baseball card and now pay the grocer $4,750 per year for 27 years.
— Razzball (@Razzball) July 1, 2018
Luke Weaver – 4 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 5.16. Not to be the moist towelette that smells of urine, but you know Weaver’s likely been hurt since May and pitching through it, right? How do the Cards not know this? Great question, someone should send it to them: Cardinals P.O. Box Vatican.
Tommy Pham – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .247. Just when you think he’s done, he does something worthwhile. He’s a flim-Pham artist! By the by, I Googled “film-flam” by accident at first, and instead of “Did you mean flim-flam?” Google just gave me a Murder She Wrote episode titled “Film-Flam” and for a minute I thought that term was a Murder She Wrote invention.
Max Fried – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.55. The guy with the fantasy team named, Max Fried Chicken & Camargo Adams, is loving life right now, and is Wade Boggs. Fried is a 93-95 MPH fastball, plus curve and, well, he’s got two pitches and maybe a change that he throws rarely. When hitters get more familiar with him, he will need to adjust back, then they will adjust back, then…Well, this is the standard right-right-left slow dance pitchers and hitters do. He goes to Milwaukee next time out, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love it, and I’d be scared in most leagues to try him, but I could see grabbing him for better matchups.
Mike Foltynewicz – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.02. See the comment I make for Lucchesi about four inches down. Or eight inches down if a girl’s reading.
Ronald Acuna – 1-for-4, 1 run with his 6th homer on Saturday, and activated on Friday. Tilde break of dawn!
Nick Kingham – As presupposed here while having a lovely Armenian woman file my nails, Kingham will start for Kuhl. I say Kuhl indeed, and grabbed Kingham in a few leagues, though I am desperate. Thanks, Grays!
Corey Dickerson – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .296. Have absolutely nothing to go on for this other than my gut and I just ate Chipotle, but this feels like the beginning of a big schmotato run.
Jameson Taillon – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.05 vs. Tyson Ross – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.78. You starting both guys, because, “Two light hitting teams in Petco? What could go wrong?” You after, “I look like that skull emoji.”
Joey Lucchesi – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners (1 hit), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.26. Not 100% sure why he can no longer throw more than 85 pitches in a game. Is he on a perennial pitch count? Or is it deciduous? I always confuse those two.
David Price – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 4.28 vs. Luis Severino – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.98. Today, Don Zimmer won. You know what’s gonna be awesome? When the Sawx face the Yanks in the playoffs, and it’s Price vs. Gray, the game may never end due to runs being scored.
Aaron Hicks – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 12th, 13th and 14th homers, hitting .258. From Higashioka to booyakasha! I did just tell you to buy Aaron Hicks, member? Open up and buy AH? Nothing? Poison songs? No? Okay, I did. The bare essentials of Aaron Hicks’ fantasy value, and not the Bare Essentials in the new mall, is: as long as Hicks is playing in that lineup, even if he weren’t doing well, he should likely be owned. And he is doing well.
Zack Godley – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.07. I was thisclose to streaming him, but, whew, tragedy averted. Thank God, no Godley.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 18th homer. Au Shizz!
Will Smith – 1/3 IP, and his 2nd save in as many opportunities, ERA at 1.11. Ginormous headed manager + no closer = Zsa Zsa Gabor. Whoa, math’s off there. Was supposed to equal, SAGNOF galore. Do I think Smith is the closer? No. Do I think if the Giants get save opportunities when a lefty is coming up Smith will be used? Sí, señor y cinco señoritas.
Nick Pivetta – 1 IP, 0 ER and the vulture win in the 13th. Yup, that’s all he did this weekend. Good stuff. *whistles, slowly backpedaling out of the room, walks into another room that is filled with Pivetta’s owners from Friday, when he was shellacked, and on their bench on Sunday* Oh, hey, guys.
Rougned Odor – 3-for-3, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 4th steal, hitting near-.300 since we renewed our vows like Elizabeth Taylor and Richard Burton.
Avisail Garcia – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 1 RBI, and three homers this week. He went into the weekend as a schmotato, and is coming out samesies.
Carlos Rodon – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.55. Saddest thing ever? I now look at my starters like, “Hey, he gave up less runs than innings, good start!” The Grays have damaged Grey! Obviously Rodon’s not quite fire emoji on ERA, but his peripherals are even worse (6.7 K/9, 2.7 BB/9, 5.53 xFIP). As my mother-in-law says, TTFN. That’s ta-ta for now.
Reynaldo Lopez – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Subliminally, I nod my whenever this guy is mentioned. It’s a disease similar to Jimmy Legs; it’s called Lopez Head.