I was combing through pictures on the subreddit r/WaffleHouseHotcakesShapedLikePresidents, marveling at a hotcake shaped like Harry S. Truman — did you know the S stood for Syrup? Then I clicked on the Reddit user who posted that pic, Ididyourmomssomanytimes, to see what other things besides Truman hotcakes they were interested in, and I saw they were also on r/fantasybaseball, only this was fantasy as in D&D and Cecil Cooper was a wizard and the father of the little black kid in Stranger Things. Any hoo! If I were on the real fantasy baseball subreddit, I’d find a lot of talk about Kyle Tucker, this you can be sure of, said like Gordon Ramsay. Tucker is already stashed by Prospector Ralph in my RCL — that *ucker! Why the hype? Pardon me as I sprinkle chia seeds on your brain. He’s hitting .315 in Triple-A with 12 HRs, 13 SBs and he’s only 21 years old. Kinda unfair that the Astros have this waiting in the wings, but, since they do, you know they will not wait very long to come him up, since (two since’s one sentence, grammar!) they are playing to win it all. So, what are you waiting for to grab Tucker? Cecil Cooper’s put a spell on your arms? Aw, shucks. Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
John Hicks – Or Tom Murphy. Stop me if you’ve heard this one before. Tom Murphy and John Hicks walk into a Fantasy Baseball Buy column, and the bartender says, “Why the long face?” And they say, “We heard there was a Sarah Jessica Parker lookalike contest happening here.”
Jake Bauers – Weird stuff with how long it’s taking for people to pick up Bauers. Are you worried you need two spots for him? Bauers is one guy. A 15/15/.280 hitter. Essentially Kiermaier without the injury history of the “Merely a flesh wound” guy.
Ryon Healy – Fun fact! Ryon & Healy was the working title for Turner & Hooch.
Danny Valencia – Or as he’s known to a select few in SoCal, Danny Awesometown has a few homers this week. I feel like I’ve explained this so many times, but very few know about it and it absolutely cracks me up every time. The Awesometown reference is because Valencia, California tried to change their name to Awesometown to strum up tourism. They’re famous for a Six Flags and a Red Lobster. So, naturally, vandals wrote on every Awesometown road sign, “Not” Awesometown. I’m dead emoji. Here’s a good read on the rebranding, if you’re interested.
Wilmer Flores – I often make fun of Wilmer for crying after he was almost traded, but he is definitely one of my favorites because of the crying. Dude cares! (Which sounds like a bowling charity.) It’s also why it drives me nuts that the Mets seem to try anything they can to get Wilmer out of the lineup. If David Wright were healthy (hold your laughter), they’d bench Flores in a second for a .185-hitting corpse. With that said (turn this ship around!), Flores has been hot.
Brad Miller – My MI shituation is best exemplified by Golden Earring’s lyrics from Twilight Zone when they sang, “I’m fallin’ down a spiral, destination unknown. Double crossed messenger, all alone. Can’t get no connection, can’t get through. Where are you decent middle infielders on waivers?”
Ketel Marte – I’m listening to all kinds of shizz on my iTunes today, so excuse me, but Crooked I said it best, when he rapped, “Money from the trap house, beef pull the Macs out, stuntin’ pull the ‘llacs out, in case you cats doubt, I’m picking up every player I write about.”
Adalberto Mondesi – I’m all for guys having issues with their fathers, so I was thinking what would be better than Mondesi dropping his dad’s first name? Best I’ve come up with (after thinking on it for 12 seconds), Adalberto is the name of his mom’s mailman.
Derek Dietrich – Straight shooting here: Dietrich has 11 homers and is hitting .300. Now look at the crap you have on your team, you telling me that’s worse than all your players? That’s nearly better than Rhysus! (Sorry, Rhysus, but you brought that on yo’self.)
Jorge Polanco – I went over George Sunkenplace the other day, but that was Jorge Bonifacio. How many Jorge’s trying to get a leg up? Would’ve expected more from an Astro. Hoping Polanco returns to ride the bench instead of my new All-Star, Eduardo Escobar, but I feel that is not 100% likely. Maybe they platoon. Honestly, I’m not sure, but in deeper leagues, it’s worth grabbing Polanco (13/13 last year) to see his playing time. By the way, if you have to think if your league is deep enough, it is almost 100% of time not deep enough.
Mark Trumbo – Feels like a guy who almost assuredly will be some people’s idea of a sleeper next year. They also thought Miggy was a good bargain this year. Either way, Trumbo has been hitting bombs recently.
Randal Grichuk – During the week, there’s just so much going on that I can’t possibly mention everything, but it did not go unnoticed that Grichuk hit leadoff the other day. Oh. *after a 4-month search on Nepal’s Craigslist, hires a sherpa, travels through the worst conditions man’s ever known to reach the summit at Everest* Kay.
Seranthony Dominguez – Putting aside Gabe Kapler and his penchant for snorting green M&M’s and pulling pitchers every 7th pitch, look at Seranthony’s stats. How is he available? He has a 0.66 WHIP with 34 Ks in 25 2/3 IP. That’s ludicrous.
Zach Eflin – Here’s what I said the other day, “We are results-driven in this crazy hobby that takes 8,000 man hours and rewards us with a $45 check from our closest frenemy. Since we are results-driven, I can understand why we may not have picked up Eflin yet. He only has a 3.02 ERA, 9+ K/9, 2.2 BB/9, 94+ MPH fastball, 32nd best xFIP–Wait, these are good results. Okay, now I’m not sure why you haven’t picked him up. Fear of success like your mom says?” And that’s me quoting me!
Joey Lucchesi – Hey, it’s Joey Lucchesi of the Brooklyn Fuggedaboutits. Hey, Joey Lucchesi of the Brooklyn Fuggedaboutits, say hello to your mother for me. I like Lucchesi, but his results since his return from injury have been scattershot like a stuttering porn actor, however, the Stream-o-Nator is calling this one, like it calls funeral parlors for something to do on a Friday.
Sean Newcomb – Briefly mentioned Newcomb the other day as a guy who had worse peripherals than his ERA and hype may indicate. So, I’m back here again to rub salt in your gash. *shudders* I mean, okay, you have problems with moist, but gash is good? That is in the top five worst words in English language — gash, moist, cancer, secrete and yeast. So hard to lance a boil without a moist secretion coming from a gash, huh? Any hoo! I believe people still like Newcomb — it’s a recently purchased hairbrush, what’s not to like? — so you should be able to trade him for something worthwhile. I’d check the Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer, but I would not sell him for a ride in Jame Gumb’s wicker basket.