Could this finally be Brett Lawrie‘s post-post-post-post-post-post-post-post-POST-post hype breakout? I don’t want to overrate or prorate or ameliorate a past inveterate obturate to eviscerate execrate, try not to hate, love your mate, mediate or flip through cards like Michael Hutchence forth, Sandoval’s girth, Andrelton’s not from this earth, movie remake that never went anywhere was North by North. Yesterday, Lawrie went 3-for-3 with his third straight game with a homer, and he threw in a steal on Saturday, not a liar like James Frey, in Florida I need my mosquito spray, I have three albums by The Fray, said no one that wasn’t gay, which is totally okay. I was very high on Lawrie in the preseason, and right now he’s on pace for 20+ HRs, 12-15 SBs and hitting .290. On its own this would be implausible, laughable, impossible, insoluble in water, but he hit 16 homers last year, is only 26 years old and has easy 15-steal speed, so it’s not INXS of the possible. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Avisail Garcia – The news says Garcia won’t be ready to play by Tuesday due to his hamstring. I say look at his stats, he hasn’t been ready to play for years.
Mat Latos – 5 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA up to 1.84. Ooh, you know the Regression Fairies are just sharpening their five-inch heels ready to stomp on Latos even harder next time.
Zach Britton – Injured his ankle on Saturday, and was seen using crutches and a soft boot on Sunday. Ready for the “Huh?” in all of this? Britton expects to avoid the DL. I can see it now, “Liner back at him and Britton knocks it down with his crutch! He hobbles over, and soft boots it over to first. Just in time! The Murderball guys got nothing on him!” Whether someone talks some sense into Britton and he does hit the DL or not, I’d still grab Darren O’Day, and even Brad Brach or Mychal Givens, in that order.
Devin Mesoraco – Had a few days off to clear his head. I get it, he was in a slump, but wouldn’t it be better if he cleared his face?
Homer Bailey – Had a slight setback in his rehab. A female fan mistook him for Christian Bale and tackled him.
Raisel Iglesias – Hit the DL after he felt a pinch in his right shoulder. But Pinchy loves risotto! I’ll be forming a prayer hexagon for Raisel, but I have my concerns since he had a shoulder issue last September. In one shallower league without DL room, I even dropped him.
Anthony DeSclafani – Had a setback in his rehab start, saying he felt a sensation in his oblique. Hey, I’m no doctor, but a sensation anywhere sounds good. Means you’re alive. One time, the Hitter-Tron stuffed its mouth full of magnets and walked through a junkyard just to feel sensations.
Tony Cingrani – 1/3 IP, 1 ER in the 7th inning. It was a nice narrative for a few weeks, but Cingrani is not the closer. Cingrani keeps coming into the 7th inning. That’s the closer? Negroni, please! Maybe the Reds try Blake Wood or Ohlendorf as the closer, and this is the saddest sentence in the English language. A close 2nd, “I would’ve slept with you, but you didn’t try,” said any girl to any man.
Tim Adleman – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks in his first major league start. After the game, Adleman said this was more exciting than finding a loophole on a tax form.
Francisco Liriano – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.86. This was a slam dunk start. A real test for him with be next time out vs. the Cards. The preceding two sentences also appeared in their entirety on a Michael Jordan poker blog that he co-writes with Charles Oakley called The John Stockton Flop.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-3 and his 3rd homer, hitting .315, as he moved up to the five hole. Since I own Starling Marte (2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .326), who bats cleanup, and Andrew McCutchen (1-for-4, 1 run) won’t move from the third or 2nd slot, I’m fine with Polanco batting fifth. I don’t need the leadoff slot. I will now focus my energy on DeShizz.
John Jaso – 1-for-6 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. John Jaso Jingleheimer Schmidt is my hot schmotato’s name!
Hector Rondon – 1 IP, 1 ER and the loss. His season ERA is 1.13. If Rondon blows or losses another game in his next outing, Maddon’s gonna look elsewhere that quickly. As a pigeon once said, don’t shoot the messenger.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.72. He’s been better than I expected, but, honestly, seriously, interjectionly, what is the best case scenario for him? 7-15/3.60/1.30/150? More like Julio Meheran.
Joe Ross – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.79. Before we all start reversing JB’s initials on JB, Ross’s K/9 is 5.56 with a 2.8 BB/9. Ross had a good month of April. If he has a terrible month of May, it wouldn’t surprise me. Right now, his LOB% is 91% and his BABIP is .231. I.e. It’s better to be lucky than good. Unless we’re talking about my friend, Lucky, who used to make the best shrimp fried rice until a terrible wok accident.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.55. My CBS NL-Only team is silly good. Like ridunk, ridunk, ridunk. Pitchers like what, what, what. No hitters like butt, butt, butt.
Danny Espinosa – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer this weekend. In related news, Dusty Baker thought Trea Turner sang on Proud Mary.
Jaime Garcia – 6 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.73. What happened to the guy that was always good if he’s healthy? Wait, is Garcia saying he’s not healthy?
Carlos Martinez – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA up to 2.60. Maybe he was distracted because Martinez is being sued for giving an STD to a woman. Friends warned her to watch herself because they saw something ain’t right with his staff when he took a leak, but she thought they were just talking about the Cardinals’ staff.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.55. Two weeks ago I said to sell him. This week I’m saying listen to Two Weeks Ago Grey. He was onto something. “Yeah, huffing glue. Oh, I thought you said ‘on something.'” That’s Two Weeks Ago Grey.
Justin Upton – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st steal, hitting .242, raising his average almost fifty points in the last four games. *looking in a mutoscope labeled ‘Justin Upton’s Buy Low,’ suddenly it shuts* Aw, man, I need another penny!
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal. He really hasn’t done much recently, but I’m CWM’ing him so you don’t have to. The Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) got you!
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .361. Have I mentioned I called him my number one sleeper this year? Only when he gets hits? Yeah, so, your point?
Victor Martinez – 3-for-4, 2 runs, hitting .350. He’s the hottest Zombino since Charo donned her ‘cuchi-cuchi’ outfit for her 75th birthday.
Joe Mauer – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .337. Yeah, with one homer and eight RBIs on the year. Hit my snooze button for me.
Chris Archer – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA down to 5.01. Next stop, the fours! Which is like the only plural number that isn’t a thriller novel and/or book. What is it about plural numbers that is so spooky? “The (Mad Libs in a plural number) got my wife! Why won’t anyone believe me?!” Character pounds on cop car window in the pouring rain. Sure enough, no one believes him.
Jake Odorizzi – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Jays. The Rays’ pitchers have nothing but terrible matchups every single time out, but they are so good it doesn’t matter. They sure can’t buy a win though. I was saying pretty much that to Sky over text the other day and he said, “Somehow their offense got worse.” I said back, “Two words: Logan Morrison.” He said back, “Two words: Steve Pearce.” I said back, “Two words: Line up.” I cheated. The Rays have a .176 hitter in the two hole (Brad Miller, 0-for-3) and that was an upgrade to who they had the first few weeks (Logan Morrison 0-for-4, hitting .094).
Evan Longoria – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, and 2nd solo homer in two days. He’s going for Adam Dunn’s record of 42 homers with 42 RBIs that he achieved in two separate seasons, said Tim Kurkjian with multiple voice cracks.
Marcus Stroman – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.77. First game this year where I’ve seen Stroman look like the hype that follows him everywhere. Not sure if that was him or the aforementioned Rays’ lineup.
Troy Tulowitzki – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .172. With that batting average, he’d fit right in on the Rays. Imagine that, Tulo on a bad team in a bad park, he’d be on par with Danny Espinosa. Of course, people would still think he’s much better.
Wade Miley – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.06. If you would’ve looked at our fantasy baseball streamer tool, otherwise known as the Stream-o-Nator, you would’ve seen that it told you to start Miley on Saturday and how you should not go near him in his next start. This was brought to you by the National Spelling Bee, “We Spell It Out For You.”
Ian Kennedy – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.61. Watch, the only game where he looks like hot garbage in the trunk of a car parked on the sun is the one game where I owned him.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer since I traded for him. How’s Mazara doing since that trade? *takes a long hit on my vape, exhales it trying to make O’s* Yeah, I can’t do them.
Lorenzo Cain – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 3rd steal, hitting .230. Cain…Sugar! can raise his average fifty points in a week and that Buy Low is gonna go bye-bye.
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.40 vs. Vince Velasquez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.44. For those fantasy baseballers who own both of these guys, it was like they also had Semien on their team.
Carlos Santana – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Put him in the leadoff slot and he walks and steals; put him in the cleanup slot and he homers. It’s Chameleon Santana. Let’s see him hit ninth and drop a 12-6 curve!
Jesse Hahn – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. This is you and rookie pitchers. “Yeah, man, I got Berrios and Manaea!” After they pitch, “Why didn’t I just grab Hahn or Taijuan Walker?” Now, I will take you back to last year, “Yeah, man, I got Jesse Hahn and Taijuan Walker!” After they pitched, “Why didn’t I just grab Wacha or C-Mart?” Rookie pitchers are hella sexy and risky as all get-out.
Danny Valencia – Says he expects to back on Friday. That’s Valencia es-Spain’ing.
Rich Hill – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.53. A lose of control isn’t great, but he limited damage and I’m still on board. Took too much tryin’ to give up on this Hill.
Jose Altuve – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. After he hit it, he screamed, “Give me my big boy pants!”
Doug Fister – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.60. This start was Fister vs. the A’s, which is usually a sloppy affair.
C.J. Cron – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs, hitting almost .400 in the last week. C.J. Cron, Charles de Gaulle, California baseball! Cron’s starting the hot schmotato fire.
Geovany Soto – 2-for-5 and his 3rd homer, 2nd homer this weekend, hitting .344. So no one hears, in my Soto voce, he’s hot.
Matt Shoemaker – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA up to 9.15 vs. Derek Holland – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 2.48. This matchup was originally billed as “The Cobbler Goes Dutch,” and ended up being referred to as, “Clogging Folly.”
Josh Hamilton – Stopped his rehab after feeling soreness in his knee. I’m not saying he’s relapsed, but look at his most recent picture. He looks like he’s been cast in an off-Broadway production of True Romance, playing the Brad Pitt role.
Yu Darvish – Threw as fast as 97 MPH in his rehab start. Hummna-hummna-hummna. I’m so glad I stashed him in multiple leagues because this will prolly be the only time I get a chance to own him in his career.
Cole Hamels – 5 IP, 4 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks vs. the pray-for-them Angels’ offense. The Stream-o-Nator hated this start, but it was Hamels vs. the Angels, so I ignored it at my own peril. Mmm, nonpareils.
Delino DeShields – 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 3rd steal. He’s either getting hot, or he’s doing something on Sunday just to make it more difficult for weekly leaguers to bench him. For the love of DeShizz, do something!
Jose Reyes – A decision on his suspension is likely coming this week. Bud Selig had his drawbacks, but he killed 110 years of tradition and instituted interleague with less deliberation than Reyes’s suspension.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Batten down the hatch chiles, the Torenado is spinning through Arizona!
Gerardo Parra – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Barely owned in 50% of ESPN leagues, which is barely understandable, a-Parra-ently to only me.
Brandon Drury – 3-for-5, 2 runs and a homer on Saturday and Sunday, now has 5 homers. Not sure why no one is owning him, but you should be. Is it your fear of success your parents always secretly talk about with your sister? Leave your fantasy baseball team password in the comments, and I’l grab him for you.
Shelby Miller – 3 2/3 IP, 3ER, ERA up (down?) to 8.49. This is like when Rocky wouldn’t throw in the towel and Apollo was killed by Drago. Put Miller on the Disgraceful List already.
Clayton Kershaw – 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 14 K. Anything less than a no-hitter for him vs. the Padres is a complete and utter failure. Ugh, I sound like my father!
Drew Pomeranz – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Over/under for his wins this year. Eight? Is that being too generous?
Derek Dietrich – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs as he hit third, and was leading off on Saturday when he homered. Maybe PEDee Gordon left behind his stash that he had no idea he had to leave behind. Either way, Dietrich is a hot schmotato and worth looking at now that he’s playing.
J.T. Realmuto – 3-for-5, hitting near-.500 in the last week. For’Realliemutos.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-5 and his 4th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. OZUNA hurt balls for living. OZUNA get paid for this. OZUNA need to request his paycheck many times from Loria.
Jonathan Villar – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI and his 6th steal, and his 5th steal in the last eight games. With Scooter on the shoulder, Villar is now batting 2nd and I wouldn’t be surprised if that remains even when Scooter eventually returns. Definitely worth grabbing Villar, in the non-Biblical way.
Chris Carter – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers, hitting .278. The Brewers are tied for the 2nd most homers at home in the majors with the Rockies, only trailing the Diamondbacks. That’s not a small sample size — that’s what he tried to say! — that will likely be how it is all year. Miller and Coors are not just a pitcher’s nightmare in bars.
Domingo Santana – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Domingo fun day!
Rick Porcello – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.76. Porcello has always been a guy with a great walk rate (career 2.2 BB/9), but so far his walk rate is at 1.7. With a 1.7 BB/9, he could have a 6.5 K/9 and be ownable. Right now, he has a 10 K/9. Yes, he should be owned. Yes, in every league.
David Price – 7 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 6.14. Don’t worry, Red Sox fans, I’m sure he’ll get better in year seven of his $217 million contract.
Travis Shaw – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! Red Sox fan and resident prospect writer at Razzball, Ralph, wrote a piece of fan fiction about the makeover of the Sawx’s 3rd base position from Sandoval to Shaw called, “Pygmalion: Going From Pyg to Lion.”
Nathan Eovaldi – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 5.46. The only thing faster than Eovaldi’s fastballs is how fast fantasy owners want to drop him.
Alex Rodriguez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer. That was his fourth homer in the past 11 games, and third in the past four. A-Rod said he’s seeing the ball well, almost as well as you can see his dates’ Adam’s apples.
Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.02. A 1.02 ERA is hard to quibble with, but because I’m a quibbler, he really hasn’t felt like owning an ace, and I do own him on multiple teams. I don’t know, I want 15 Ks in 7 IP. Or a one-hitter. Or Kershaw in a mullet. I’m greedy, y’all!
Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 3.03 vs. Noah Syndergaard – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA up to 2.51. This game was billed as “The Bum Gaarden,” which left some disappointed when the game was shown in San Francisco during brunch.
Buster Posey – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer. The San Fran brunch crowd also had no interest in a Buster Posey.
Tim Lincecum – Will host a showcase on Friday. There will be two different plates for brownies.
Hunter Pence – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer. I was listening to Peter Gabriel’s Games Without Frontiers the other day and I was like, “How is this not Hunter Pence’s walk-up song?” It’s so weird, I can’t believe The Gangly Manbird doesn’t have this blaring as he approaches the plate. “Pence plays with Posey, Posey plays with Span; Span plays where once it was Willie, Willie is happy again; Willie once played for Leo…”
Joe Panik – Missed past few days with a groin injury. In typical Panik fashion, he ran around the clubhouse screaming, “My groin! My groin! My junk holder!”
Matt Cain – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.00. All-Star Weekend Idea! The day before the All-Star Game, when they’re doing the Home Run Derby and the other nonsense that 12-year-olds and 70-year-olds enjoy, you have a throwback All-Star Game. Every year you go back seven to ten years, so you get players that are A) Still alive B) At the point in their career where you’re like, “This guy was an All-Star? He’s awful!” C) There’s no C. This year, you can do 2009! Leading off Ichiro! Batting 2nd Jeter! Andrew Bailey, Josh Beckett, Josh Hamilton, Joe Nathan and Ben Zobrist, to name a few. On the NL, Hanley, Pujols, Utley, Heath Bell, Zach Duke, Lincecum, Matt Cain. Finally, Johan Santana gets to play again. Now Justin Upton can be the All-Star you drafted! Brad Hawpe can return from wherever Brad Hawpe went! Tell me you wouldn’t watch this.
