*balloons fall from the ceiling, sirens go off* Oh my God, what did I win? Little ol’ me was the winner of the “Only Person To Put Dustin Garneau In A Headline?!” *more sirens, more balloons* I’m also the winner of the first person ever to mention Dustin Garneau in a lede?! *yet more balloons, yet more sirens* Okay, what is it now? I’m the first person to mention Dustin Garneau three times in one lede? Great, can we kill the sirens? My neighbors are gonna get annoyed. What do I win anyway? Dustin Garneau on my fantasy team? That’s the worst prize ever! So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an NL Only league that was hosted by Scott White at CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than Amanda Bynes. This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team NL-Only team and some thoughts:
C: Carlos Ruiz ($1)
C: Dustin Garneau ($1)
1B: Brandon Belt ($20)
2B: Daniel Murphy ($16)
3B: Hector Olivera ($11)
SS: Jhonny Peralta ($15)
MI: Chase Utley ($1)
CI: Chris Carter ($17)
OF: Dexter Fowler ($17)
OF: Gregory Polanco ($24)
OF: Matt Holliday ($14)
OF: Ender Inciarte ($16)
OF: Michael Conforto ($17)
UTIL: Rymer Liriano ($1)
P: Jacob deGrom ($26)
P: Max Scherzer ($32)
P: Carter Capps ($11)
P: Andrew Cashner ($10)
P: John Lamb ($3)
P: Brandon Finnegan ($3)
P: Drew Pomeranz ($2)
P: Jeremy Hellickson ($1)
P: Adam Conley ($1)
Bench: Bud Norris
Bench: Kirk Nieuwenhuis
Bench: Mike Foltynewicz
Bench: Jameson Taillon
Bench: Jose Pirela
Bench: Edward Mujica
Bench: Cristhian Adames
IT’S APPROPRIATE THAT YOU DRAFTED A CRISTHIAN BECAUSE HIS NAME SOUNDS LIKE CHRYSANTHEMUM AND THAT’S THE FLOWERS I’LL BE PUTTING ON THE GRAVE OF THIS FANTASY TEAM
I hear ya, this team is wonky as all get-out. I can pinpoint the moment when everything went wrong. Imagine Scherzer was dogsitting for me and I had to drive him home afterwards, and, as soon as he stepped out of my car, I saw a gummy bear on his butt, reached up and plucked it off. Only TMZ caught it on video and edited it to make it look like I was saying, “Sweet, sweet can,” when I was really saying, “Sweet, sweet candy.” In hindsight (literally), it appears I intentionally grabbed Scherzer, but I didn’t. The way the pitching staff is listed is how I drafted them. I grabbed deGrom for what I thought was a fair price and was like, “Okay, now I’ll grab a few starters in the $10-20 range and be done.” Then one (!) player later, Scherzer is nominated and I had him listed for $35. So, I figured I’d go to $32 and let someone else take him. DOH! That changed everything, and, since it came about ten picks into the entire draft, it changed every everything. Ideally, you want to spend around $80 on pitching, I spent $89, but in a completely imbalanced way. Can I win with this pitching? Yes, but I can’t have anything happen to deGrom or Scherzer or I’m done.
CAN I ASK YOU A FO’REALLY QUESTION? OKAY, FO’REALLY, WHAT’S WITH YOUR OFFENSE?
I just went by our NL Only 12-team rankings. Do I like all of these schmohawks? I haven’t liked Utley in six seasons, okay? I haven’t liked Holliday since he was on the Rockies, a’ight? I’m not saying I’d draft this team in a 12-team mixed league. Luckily, it’s not. I nearly hit all of my projections needed to a T. According to my projections, I’m a little light on power and average. I’m surprisingly right on for runs, RBIs and a little high on speed. Is it fun to rely on the 2007 All-Star Team of Utley and Holliday? Nope. But it’s the nature of the league. Some other teams have an outfield that includes Dietrich, Duvall and Lagares. I like those guys, but they’re not starters. Another team has starters that include Middlebrooks, Marlon Byrd, Ethier, De Aza, Kike Hernandez and Freddy Galvis. Another team’s starting outfield includes Jesse Winker, Markakis and Michael Taylor. Again, I like some of those guys, but as my starting outfield? My team isn’t Hotline Swing, but it’s also not as bad as you might think it is looking through mixed team-colored glasses. Finally, I obviously don’t want Jhonny Peralta anymore — or dhonny’t wanlta, if you will — but I drafted this team two weeks ago, so thank God Jose Reyes is an abusive husband and Adames might see ABs.
OKAY, YOU OBVIOUSLY CAN JUSTIFY ANYTHING, SO LET’S HEAR IT ABOUT THAT BULLPEN!
Yeah, I don’t have one. Saves are easily my weakest category. It’s not really close. For a league like this, you want one solid closer. They don’t go cheap either. Here’s some prices: Papelbon $17, Familia $21, McGee $15, Melancon $21, Rondon $19, Grilli $11, etc. I had already spent too much on Scherzer and deGrom and, brucely, I was reeling, so I gambled on a cheap-ish saves gamble…. Carter Capps. Or as he’s better known, Carter TOMMY JOHN SURGERY. Yeah, that gamble worked out perfect. Almost as much as my last $30 investment in Powerball. I’m a winner, I can feel it! So, now the Last of the Mujicas may be my best bet for saves, because David Hernandez has triceps soreness. That’s totally gonna work out for me! *dons Trump for President t-shirt, walks into Mexico*
LEAVE ME WITH SOMETHING POSITIVE, OTHERWISE MY WHOLE DAY WILL BE BUMMED OUT. THIS IS AFTER ALL ABOUT ME.
Polanco…Belt…Conforto…Finnegan…Rymer…Foltysomethingwitz, I have upside, guys and five girl readers! By the by, one of our girl readers is commissioning a Razzball commenter league. Meet your future wife on Razzball and invite me to the wedding (if there’s going to be good food)! This league will come down to who can avoid major injuries, because at the top of the waivers right now is a backup Padres catcher and some guy named Yhonathan Barrios. Seriously, I’d vote for Trump if he outlawed all uncommon spellings of John.
