Happy Black Friday! Oops, sorry, I mean Happy African-American Friday! As I type this, I’m being trampled at Bed, Bath and Beyond. “There’s enough Scrub Daddys for everyone!” The Diamondbacks got a head start on Black Friday sales on Wednesday when they traded Jean Segura, Mitch Haniger and Zac Curtis to the Mariners for Taijuan Walker and Ketel Marte. What’s that old axiom, if you don’t know who the sucker is at the table, you’re the sucker. Mariners, you’re the sucker. If anyone forgot that the Diamondbacks fired Dave Stewart immediately following the end of the season, this was a reminder. If Stewart were still there, the Diamondbacks would’ve traded Greinke for Todd Walker. As Dave Stewart would say after reading that, “I’m not mad at ya.” Don’t love the move to Chase Field for Walker, but the NL West makes that medicine go down a little easier, chim chiminy chim chiminy chim chim cher-ee! Walker had a 8 K/9 and 2.5 BB/9 last year in 134 1/3 IP. That goes up to 8.5 in the NL West and he’s pretending to yawn as he puts his arm around a low to mid-3 ERA. The only thing that’s stopping you from nodding your head like a plus-size Pez is that Walker hasn’t done it yet. He’s only 24 years old, not doing it yet isn’t a great excuse for never doing it. For 2017, I’ll give him the projections of 12-11/3.44/1.18/153 in 160 IP. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this offseason for 2017 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
The Dodgers were one of the hottest clubs offensively coming into this game, so, what happened? Baseball happened, and Matt Moore throws a gem — 8 2/3 IP, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.95. There’s no sport like this anywhere in the world. Though, my 89-year-old Italian grandfather says the bounce on the bocce ball court can be tricky. By the way, I recounted the other day on the podcast how he drove back from Florida, non-stop, in flip-flops. So, yesterday, he went to the doctor because his foot was bothering him and the Pakistani doctor said it was due to the flip-flops. He said, “Get out of here! Your people wear nothing but sandals!” So, great start by Matt Moore, no dur, but he threw the most pitches in a game this season at 133 pitches. Why do you think? Because he can’t throw strikes. Dodgers just happened to feel like swinging at balls. That’s what I hope she didn’t say! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
“‘I need a bouncy C. Not a bouncy castle!’ Billy Beane screams into his headset, when an intern interrupts him and his daughter, practicing her guitar, while they are both on a treadmill. The intern tells Beane that Jesse Hahn has a blister. The intern turns and it’s Jonah Hill. Fat Jonah, not “He doesn’t look right skinny” Jonah. Beane then looks at the camera to establish empathy and says, “Get me Sean Manaea.” Only he adds three extra syllables to Manaea’s naeame. And…scene!” The producer smiles, “That’s a great pitch. If only Manaea looks that good. High-five!” So, Manaea has been called up to start on Friday. He’s looked downright fantastic thus far. Upleft fantastic too. He’s a six-five Samoan, but he doesn’t weight 475 pounds. He could be the Rookie of the Year; his stuff is that TNT with SVU reruns. I also think there’s more downside here than, say, Berrios. He’s had moments where his command leaves him, and he becomes a 5+ IP, 4 ER guy. His delivery looks to me like he could get wild very easily. Wide range of possibility here, could be a #1 or could be a #4-5 that you only own in AL-Only leagues. Of course, I’m taking the flyer in all leagues for the chance he comes up and wows upsides our fantasy heads. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
As George Bush Jr. once said, “Fool me once, shame on you, you can’t fool me again because we won’t get fooled again,” then he was joined by Pete Townshend in a duet that made sense at the time, but now seems inconceivable. GB was right on, and that’s how I initially felt about Matt Moore. How many times could we be fooled by this guy? What’s that? Twelve? I was asking that rhetorically, I didn’t want a number. Why did you just say thirteen? I don’t want a number! Whether it is twelve, thirteen or one time fooled, it doesn’t *pinkie to mouth* Matt-er. Yesterday, Moore went 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners with 10 Ks. He now has a 10.3 K/9 and a 1.5 BB/9. That walk rate, I mean muah. That with a 8 K/9 would have me interested. With a 10+ K/9? Yes, please and thank you, to get politely excited. On a related note, not sure how this happened, but I have an abundance of AL East pitchers in different leagues. Great, terrific, adjective, except when they face New York, Boston and Toronto, which is basically every game. FMFBBL! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
My schmohawk posts are like the fantasy equivalent of Final Destination. First, A.J. Pollock loses his season, then Kyle Schwarber is carted off the field after running into Fowler. If I were Miguel Sano, I’d look both ways while carefully crossing to the plate to strikeout. And Tulo, well, I would just stay in the hyperbaric chamber that you sleep in for your hamstrings. I’m not sure if it was the writing of the posts, publishing of the posts or simply thinking about writing the posts that jinxed these players. Where does my kavorka start and end? Is it okay for me to think bad thoughts about Trevor Story? How serious are my premonitions? Oh, and one side note, you never want to see anyone get hurt, but how on earth did Schwarber get hurt and Fowler was fine? Schwarber’s got like 200 pounds on him. Damn, Dexter Fowler is one strong bean. So, Schwarber has a sprained ankle and is headed for an MRI today. He could be gone for a while, which could help Jorge Soler see some light, though I’m not sure this won’t just mean more playing time for Matt Szczur, Javier Baez (when he returns) or Kris Bryant into the outfield. I’m not even joking; Maddon’s playbook is written in hieroglyphics and the Rosetta Stone didn’t make it through baggage claim. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
*balloons fall from the ceiling, sirens go off* Oh my God, what did I win? Little ol’ me was the winner of the “Only Person To Put Dustin Garneau In A Headline?!” *more sirens, more balloons* I’m also the winner of the first person ever to mention Dustin Garneau in a lede?! *yet more balloons, yet more sirens* Okay, what is it now? I’m the first person to mention Dustin Garneau three times in one lede? Great, can we kill the sirens? My neighbors are gonna get annoyed. What do I win anyway? Dustin Garneau on my fantasy team? That’s the worst prize ever! So, I took on the monsters of the industry in an NL Only league that was hosted by Scott White at CBS and I came away with a team that is more imbalanced than Amanda Bynes. This league is deep so hold onto ye old hat. (If you want a shallower league, play against me and hundreds of your closest buddies in the Razzball Commenter Leagues.) Anyway, here’s my 12-team NL-Only team and some thoughts:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Josh Hamilton was acquired by the Rangers as originally reported by Dan Pants on Saturday. Gammons, Dan Pants, Heyman, that’s the top three most quoted baseball reporters. Dan Pants is a bit more optimistic than me for Hamilton’s return to the Land of Spurs, Twinkie-frying and hats with gigantism. I wouldn’t own Hamilton unless I had a free DL spot and don’t expect much from him. I’ve chimed this triangle before, but have you recently seen Brett Butler? She looks like she’s 89 years old. She’s 57. Have you seen Lohan recently? She looks like she’s 50; she’s 28. Haley Joel Osment just looks awful, I don’t know if he was an addict. Addicts age poorly. Hamilton, 33, has the body of a 60-year-old. Breaking down left and right just getting out of bed. He says he’ll be back in a few weeks, but he’ll go down to another injury, and then when the doctor goes to prescribe something, Hamilton won’t be able to take it due to his addictions and he’ll be back on the DL. It’s a feel-good story (if the only other stories you’ve ever heard involve Amanda Bynes), but I wouldn’t bother. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
If you had 75 hours into the season for when Joakim Soria would become the closer in Detroit, you win a brand new car*! *Prizes not included (there’s no car; stop being greedy, you instead get words pieced together by the Fantasy Master Lothario). The Tigers’ pen is more of a pencil and a dull one at that. Where for art thou, Willie Hernandez? My kingdom for Todd Jones! Poopie Grande by any other name is still Poopie Grande. That was Shakespeare, you ignant boo-boo! The Tigers did get better yesterday with Joe Nathan, hitting the DL with a flexor strain in his elbow. Like when you remove that hair from your lip mole, it’s addition by subtraction. For those of you that drafted Soria, well done. Hopefully, he keeps the job all year. If Barry Manilow can find love, anything’s possible. By the by, all this time I thought he put the emphasis on Dee in Mandy. Guess I was wrong. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
I just went over the top 10 for 2015 fantasy baseball and the top 20 for 2015 fantasy baseball. Those were exciting, fun, adjective posts! I took a Snapchat of myself reading those posts and had to delete it after one second it was so hot! Now, this post, well, it’s the top 20 catchers for 2015 fantasy baseball. Most of you know how I feel about catchers. If you draft a catcher any time before the first 100 picks, you don’t know how I feel about catchers. Let me freshen up your cocktail with a splash of insight. I don’t draft top catchers in one catcher leagues. I Reggie Roby them. Last year, Posey was the top ranked catcher at the end of year. Yet, he was only the 8th best 1st baseman. The best catcher can’t spray aerosol deodorant on the top guy for another position. The last time Buster Posey had a huge season he followed it up with a stank season that had you wishing for that aerosol deodorant. In the top five catchers last year were Posey, Santana, Mesoraco, Lucroy and Gomes. Only two guys were drafted in the top 100. No one should draft a top catcher because there are no top catchers. They’re all hot garbage with a side order of gefilte fish, or kapelka as Q-Tip calls it. Catchers are unreliable to stay healthy; the job is grueling and takes its toll on offensive stats. There’s not much difference between, say, the tenth best catcher and nothingness. Last year, Dioner Navarro was the tenth best catcher. He was on waivers the entire season. He was the tenth best catcher with 12 HRs and .274. Yo, Q, forget kapelka, Dioner Navarro makes me vomit. Finally, a reason that is new to this current crop of catchers — they’re actually deep in mediocrity. You can draft the fifth best catcher or the 12th best and they’re tomato-tomato said with a different emphasis. Because I ignore the top catchers doesn’t mean I’m starting the top 20 catcher list at number twenty-one; some of you might want to know the top catchers. You can lead a horse to water, but you can’t make them draft d’Arnaud. In two catcher leagues, catchers are a little more valuable, but I’d still prefer to avoid them. You can see other top 20 lists for 2015 fantasy baseball under 2015 fantasy baseball rankings. Listed along with these catchers are my 2015 projections for each player and where the tiers begin and end. Anyway, here’s the top 20 catchers for 2015 fantasy baseball:Please, blog, may I have some more?
Koji Uehara has been removed from the closer role temporarily after surrendering two homers in a blown save on Thursday night. This was just the latest in the series of unfortunate innings. In his last six appearances he’s given up a total of 10 runs and 14 hits. Owners know Uehara has been very un-Koji like for a while now, posting a 5.09 ERA in 17.2 innings since the All-Star break, while opponents have batted .307 against him. Bad news for Koji owners, but for those desperate for saves in these final weeks, this news could be Mujica to your ears. Edward Mujica will reportedly take over as closer for the next few days. If you’re scrambling for saves, Edward could be one of the last of the Mujicas available as far as closers go. Is that enough Mujica puns for you? Because I made a whole list of them. Sorry, they’re all pretty bad. Mujica’s numbers aren’t quite as bad, but they’re not great either. He’s got a 4.13 ERA and a 1.36 WHIP on the season, but he’s been much better since the All-Star break posting a 1.53 ERA in 17.2 innings, with batters hitting just .242 off him. He should be able to net you a couple saves over the next week, but he’s no sure thing to lock up the job for the rest of the season. Manager John Farrell said the plan is for Uehara to regain the role, but its certainly possible Mujica could run away with the job. Just don’t drop your Koji Uehraras just yet. Regardless, if you’re as desperate for saves as I am for compliments and affection, Edward Mujica in the closer role could help save your fantasy season.
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:Please, blog, may I have some more?