As George Bush Jr. once said, “Fool me once, shame on you, you can’t fool me again because we won’t get fooled again,” then he was joined by Pete Townshend in a duet that made sense at the time, but now seems inconceivable. GB was right on, and that’s how I initially felt about Matt Moore. How many times could we be fooled by this guy? What’s that? Twelve? I was asking that rhetorically, I didn’t want a number. Why did you just say thirteen? I don’t want a number! Whether it is twelve, thirteen or one time fooled, it doesn’t *pinkie to mouth* Matt-er. Yesterday, Moore went 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners with 10 Ks. He now has a 10.3 K/9 and a 1.5 BB/9. That walk rate, I mean muah. That with a 8 K/9 would have me interested. With a 10+ K/9? Yes, please and thank you, to get politely excited. On a related note, not sure how this happened, but I have an abundance of AL East pitchers in different leagues. Great, terrific, adjective, except when they face New York, Boston and Toronto, which is basically every game. FMFBBL! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Alex Colome – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. Saves can come at any point. Sure, it took Colome longer to get a save than it will take Chrissy Teigen to get hot again after the birth of her child, but Colome could easily get three saves this week. Maybe she can join John at my gym. Yeah, I was creeping on the treadmill just to take a pic of John Legend. Maybe if this blog shizz don’t work out (pun), I can paparazzo!
Brandon Guyer – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Who hit four singles and completed the Juan Pierre cycle? That Guyer?! *pointing my thumbs at Guyer’s name* He’s hitting in the two hole, and Brandon’s gayer because he’s hitting .353. Ya know, the other definition of gay, not that there’s another wrong with any definition of it.
Erasmo Ramirez – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 4 Ks. So, I was only three years early on this guy. I went to pick him up in all of my leagues, saw he gets the Yankees in the Boogie Down next and turned him down for what?! Actually, for that reason, bad next matchup.
Nick Hundley – Placed on the 7-day DL with a concussion. He should be fine when his DL stint is up, plus or minus 750 days.
Trevor Story – 1-for-3 and his 1st steal. He went 2-for-12 with 7 Ks this weekend. Cust kayin’. Literally.
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-4 and two homers (5, 6). Auntie Em, hold down my Jose Canseco Sportflics while I’m holding down my Mark McGwire Beanie Babies during this Tor-enado!
Jon Lester – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.21. Two Rockies were also caught stealing in this game by Lester and Ross, which is the first time in, like, ever, according to Elias Sports Bureau.
Felix Hernandez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.00. F-Her tied Randy Johnson for the Mariners’ all-time strikeout record. To honor him, he threw six walks in five innings. On a related note, you wish F-Her and The Big Unit could always be tied together.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks. This was a matchup of ex-teammates from Rakuten, a city that took its name from an audio cue on Street Fighter. Tanaka and Iwakuma’s spouses watched the game from a bar in Japan with a group of men that won a gameshow where they had to eat a bowl of ramen while in the spin cycle of a washing machine.
Alex Rodriguez – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd home run. C’mon, only 75 more homers to extreme awkwardness for everyone in the front office of MLB!
Jake Arrieta – 8 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.23. Four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, eleven, twwwwwwweeeeeelve! Someone get me The Pointer Sisters, I have an idea for a song!
Aaron Nola – 5 IP, 7 ER. That Nola’s safe like right after Katrina, but at least not as boring as Treme.
Carlos Ruiz – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Or as it should be marked on his scorecard, ADHR.
Ben Revere – Aiming for the 2nd week of May. Assuming this means when he’s aiming to return and not that someone put a calendar in the men’s urinal.
Jonathan Papelbon – 2/3 IP, 2 ER and the blown save in Citizens Bank Park. I’m sure the Philly fans were nothing but gracious. A few of the sweeter Philly fans even booed to help drown out the expletives.
Gio Gonzalez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.69, which is also code for Billy Butler standing next to a couple lying head to foot. The Favorable Matchup Gods are smiling on Gio so far. First matchup was the Braves, yesterday was the Phils and next is the Twins. Obviously, the Stream-o-Nator likes him there too.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .359. The guy who drafted second and took Paul Goldschmidt, “It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. It’s gonna be okay. Man, I’m high up here on this ledge.”
Kevin Jepsen – 1 IP, 0 ER and notched a save on Friday and Saturday, securing himself in the closer role until Perkins re-perkinates.
Trevor Plouffe – Left yesterday’s game with an intercostal strain. Plouffe goes the dammit!
Oswaldo Arcia – 3-for-5, 1 RBI, and a homer on Saturday. Twins look like they’re just about done with Buxton and Arcia could be the answer, in fantasy leagues too. I grabbed Arcia in one league, and looked for him in others but he was already gone. If you’re hurting for some upside, I could see giving him a chance.
Albert Pujols – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Ninth round!
Nicholas Tropeano – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.84. I trust Tropeano about as far as I can throw him, and, though I was once recruited to throw shot put for my local synagogue, I would not touch Tropeano outside of deep leagues.
Ryan Madson – Notched his third and fourth saves this weekend as Sean Doolittle came in for one out in the 8th on Saturday. Apparently, without any announcement, Madson became the closer. I have a theory. The A’s are super cheap so rather than tell Madson he’s the closer, they’ll use him as such, then, when it’s time to talk money for a contract, the A’s can be like, “You were the closer? I don’t remember anyone announcing that. We’re paying you 7th inning money or we’re gonna trade you for Yasmani Grandal.”
Mike Moustakas – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer. Moistasskiss!
Kris Medlen – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 2.38. Doesn’t look like a bad start, but he has eight walks and eleven Ks thru two starts. Belch.
Adam Wainwright – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER. After the game, he called 12,657 different people to tell them they need to shut up and trust him on their fantasy team. He may no longer have dynamite stuff, but the customer service is terrific.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. This is what it’s like owning a Cardinals hitter, “Ooh, Aledmys Diaz is hitting everything, batting over .400. I’m gonna pick him up! Dot dot dot. Hmm, he was benched for Gyorko… Ooh, Gyorko is hitting homers. I’m gonna grab him! Hmm, now it’s Diaz again. Let me try Hazelbaker, I mean they can’t bench him. And they benched him.”
Zack Cozart – 2-for-4, 1 run, hitting .483. I told you to pick him up the day after the season started, and today I’m saying I told you to pick him up the day after the season started. How’s dem apples? Delicious!
Shelby Miller – 1 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 8.53. Left Saturday’s game after scraping both his knuckles on his follow-through. Curt Schilling’s ankle laughs derisively.
Yu Darvish – Nearing a rehab assignment. His arrival time will depend on whether he needs to stop at his bookie’s.
Adam Jones – 1-for-5 and his 1st home run of the season on Saturday. Between Adam Jones, Adam Wainwright and Matt Adams, it’s been the worst year for Adams since 37,848 years ago, according to the Truth Book.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and, like, his 4th homer this week. Salty is about as appetizing as too salty, but if it walks like a hot schmotato, hits like a hot schmotato, it’s a hot schmotato. How’s that for a syllogism?!
Ian Kinsler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. The positives: his page in the Jewish athlete pamphlet keeps expanding. The negatives: who’s paying for all of this paper?
Jose Altuve – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Fun fact! Altuve thought The Big Short was autobiographical.
George Springer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Have a feeling we’re about to see one of those 12 homers in a month-type runs.
Jason Grilli – 1 IP, 1 ER and the blown save as Arodys Vizcaino had the day off due to being asked to throw 35 pitches on Friday. So, Arodys can close games every fifth day? C’mon, the Braves don’t even have a game on Monday. Did someone play Fredi Gonzalez the PSA recorded by Jeff Nelson?
Yasmany Tomas – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and two homers (1, 2). I told you last year he’d be good eventually! I just didn’t mention it would be for one random game vs. one of the worst pitchers in baseball.
Brandon Drury – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run. Hasn’t really done anything so far (hitting .241, 2 RBIs coming into this game), but I’m cyclops’ing him in case he starts to break out.
Gregory Polanco – 3-for-4, 3 runs 1 RBI and his 13th walk of the season, tying him for the major league lead. Pretty solid. Dot dot dot. For a six-hole hitter! Move him up already! David Freese is hot garbage!
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-6 and his 2nd homer, and 2nd in as many games. He hasn’t had multiple hits in a game in almost two weeks, which is likely nothing, but I wasn’t a fan of his in the preseason. I think the Dreadless Pirate is on the wrong side of 29. Yes, I’m an ageist.
Juan Nicasio – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. Went nine up, nine down with four strikeouts to start the game, and it looked like clear sailing like a WASP from the Cape, but then the 4th inning happened where he gave up all three runs. I watched a lot of the game and he was in decent control, and limited damage as a solid starter would. I’m big-time on the fence with him for his next start, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like it. Likely will be a league by league decision. Or a decasio.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Bullpen session was scratched with a groin issue. TMI!
Scott Kazmir – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.43. Velocity? Where we’re going we don’t need velocity! And that would be to the DL. Fo’serious, how long until he hits the DL with a mysterious injury? Two weeks? Three? After his next start? Where’s Darvish’s bookie? I wanna make a bet.
Carl Crawford – Will begin his rehab assignment next week in Triple-A Oklahoma City. Hopefully, he’s Okie dokie! Amiright?!
Kenta Maeda – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.47. Damn, I wish I owned him somewhere. You Maeda me mad! I originally thought he was a notch below Iwakuma, but not I think he’s a few notches above current Iwakuma and about the same as Iwakuma when he first arrived here. (God forbid anyone were to compare a Japanese pitcher to a non-Japanese pitcher.)
Joc Pederson – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. So far his strikeout percentage is 36.8%. It’s still early, which is why he’s not batting .098.
Aaron Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks in Fenway. Sonavabench! Well, I didn’t capitalize on having him in my lineup, but at least he filled me with confidence. Not confidence in being able to choose when to start and sit guys, but confidence in Sanchez, in general.
Kevin Pillar – 3-for-4. Sadly, that came with no counting stats because he was moved down the order because he was hitting around .170 in the past week. Glad to see Pillar remembered he wasn’t being paid to just stand there.
Corey Kluber – 6 IP, 6 ER. He’s been a real joy to own. About as great a joy as watching that movie, Joy. I know, I know, he wasn’t helped by his outfield. I remember a day… *standing now, with my fist on the lectern* …A day when he didn’t need help from his outfield. A day… *walking out from behind the lectern, audience sees my Bermuda shorts, wondering why they’re listening to this idiot* …A day when Kluber could overcome poor defense. Thank you for your time, bingo will begin in just a few minutes.
Matt Harvey – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER. I’m not saying it was because they had him pitch too many innings last year, but I bet Harvey would like me and everyone else to say that as he pointedly looked at Terry Collins with his best “I told you so” eyes.
Travis d’Arnaud – Sat out yesterday; he left Saturday’s game with an elbow contusion after being hit by a pitch. He now has as many hits with his bat as he does with his elbow.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .308, and five straight games with a hit. Could be a rising hot schmotato in a sea of MI-tatoes.
Steven Matz – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks. And you wanted to drop him after his last start. Uh-oh, I feel a rhyme coming on. Tsk tsk. Drinking that lobster bisque, rocking a C64 with a floppy disk, going to see a chiropractor with a slipped disk, wave-wave Carlton Fisk, I got egg whites, where’s the whisk?! You were too scared to start Matz, afraid of the Indian bats? Their lineup’s got holes! And the Indians’ bats should be miniature totem poles.