Happy Presidents Day, or as it will be known next year, King Trump Day. Since you’ve got the day off from that job you tell your wife you’re going to every day only to sit in the car beneath an underpass where they filmed 97% of last year’s True Detective, why not get your fantasy on? Not your fantasy where it’s you and that girl from high school in a tub of Alphabet Soup! That fantasy baseball fantasy! Because you know what would be really cool? If you could join a fantasy baseball league that was against, like, 1000 other fantasy baseball teams. But not a 1000-person league, where people are trying to figure out who the back-up third baseman is on the Single-A Astros affiliate, the Corpus Christi Amscrayers. No, this is a 12-person league designed so you compete against eleven other people in your league, then 90 other leagues of twelve. That would be cool. Oh, wait, we’ve done that. It’s called the Razzball Commenter Leagues, and they’re back, and you don’t even have to be a commenter to join it! For a limited time only, get your loved one a fantasy baseball league! That’s right, your hearts go pitter-patter or you’re dead on the inside (my condolences). Since back in June when you abandoned your fantasy baseball team because it was totally sucking and you returned to your cubbyhole of leftover Chinese food and Teddy Grahams, you’ve longed for this day. As Bob Marley sang, this is your redemption song, mon. Or womon, for our five girl readers. It’s time again to join some fantasy baseball leagues. Before you close all of your extraneous porn windows and rush to sign up, let’s explain how these fantasy baseball leagues are going to work. We’re going to have a bunch of leagues and crown a winner from each, then we’re going to crown ONE winner from all of the winners. We will be crowning the winner by taking each team’s points and multiplying it against a ‘league competitiveness factor.’ If you want to see how it worked last year, go here. (You’ll see a name up there that you might recognize as the eighth best — ME!) So we’re going to fill up as many fantasy leagues as we can for the next seven weeks. Each fantasy baseball league will be a mixed league, 12 team, snake draft, roto, 5×5, 5 OFs, one Middle Infielder, one Corner Infielder, one Utility, 9 pitchers, 20 game eligibility, 180 Games Started max, 1000 IP minimum. Like last year, we will again be going with TWO DL SLOTS. The only things you need to change from the default settings is the 180 Games Started and the TWO DL SLOTS. Please be vigilant about having the exact same league rules and setup as everyone else. The lineup is also known as: C/1B/2B/SS/3B/CI/MI/5 OF/UTIL/9 P/3 BENCH/2 DL with 180 Games Started and 1000 IP minimum. The fantasy leagues will be played in ESPN and they will be free to join.
We’re going to start with twenty leagues of 12 and see how we do from there. To join a league… Sorry, again for the people in the back of the room:
TO JOIN A LEAGUE
Click the LINK in the ‘League Link’ column (see below grid) and enter the PASSWORD at ESPN. Emails are there for some leagues, but you shouldn’t need to email anyone. You can join as many leagues as you like. If you join less than ten, people may make fun of you.
TO START A LEAGUE
Please create a league in ESPN based on the league rules reference above. Step by step: Hit Create. Then Create ESPN Custom (middle option), Name League, Change to 12 Teams, Restriction Type: None, Open to All Users, Access: change to Private, create Password, leave as Roto and Snake, Make Draft Date and Time, Create. From Default settings all you have to do is change to TWO DL SLOTS and 180 Starts by pitchers. So, you go to ROSTERS and Click “Edit Roster Settings.” There, change to 2 DL Slots and 180 Starts (the counter will change to 20.0 per slot). Then SUBMIT Roster Settings. Finally, Create Your League! (Important Note: Make sure league is viewable to public but requiring a password to avoid non-Razzballers joining.) When that’s finished, click here. You will be permissioned shortly so you can add your league info to the Google Doc (the below grid cannot be edited from this page). On that Google Doc, you will need to enter your name, league link, password and please UPDATE the number of openings as your league fills up. That’s it. Oh, and don’t use your bank account password. (Here’s a video Jay made to help some noobs. Is noobs spelled with zeroes or oh’s? Hmm, that might make me a noob at spelling noob.) You can start as many leagues as you like. If you start less than ten leagues, again someone could mock you.
THE BIG PRIZE
You win bragging rights. Not just any bragging rights, but the bragging rights that you beat a thousand or so other people, and you can emphasize the “or so” as emphatically as you’d like. What? Not enough? Okay, for this year’s prize we’re taking the bull out of bulloney. We are upping the ante. “Hey, Olympic high jumper, can you jump over this ante?” No, you can’t, it’s been upped too high. LOOK, it’s a bird…it’s a plane…it’s our ante! “Excuse me, astronomer, is that a satellite orbiting earth?” No, son, it’s Razzball’s ante. They upped it. This year we are giving away an autographed baseball of the player who is my avatar. That’s right, an autographed baseball of… Well, you have to win to find out who the player is. Next, we’re giving an autographed baseball of the one, the only Oscar Gamble! That’s right, Rudy’s 3rd cousin, once-removed, Oscar motheffin’ Gamble! Finally, the winner will receive a $250 Best Buy Gift card, which can buy just about anything (under $250). I recently bought a TV that sits in the underneath of my toilet seat so when I whizz I can watch TV. Granted, I bought this in a dream I had and I was married to Sofia Vergara in said dream, but this must exist, right? Also, for s’s and g’s, I’ll throw in a Razzball t-shirt because I have 14,000 of these and sewing them together was a bad call; Cougs doesn’t want Razzball bedsheets. But, most importantly, you will be crowned the 2016 Razzball Commenter League Champion. Okay, now sign up…