If you had 75 hours into the season for when Joakim Soria would become the closer in Detroit, you win a brand new car*!  *Prizes not included (there’s no car; stop being greedy, you instead get words pieced together by the Fantasy Master Lothario).  The Tigers’ pen is more of a pencil and a dull one at that.  Where for art thou, Willie Hernandez?  My kingdom for Todd Jones!  Poopie Grande by any other name is still Poopie Grande.  That was Shakespeare, you ignant boo-boo!  The Tigers did get better yesterday with Joe Nathan, hitting the DL with a flexor strain in his elbow.  Like when you remove that hair from your lip mole, it’s addition by subtraction.  For those of you that drafted Soria, well done.  Hopefully, he keeps the job all year.  If Barry Manilow can find love, anything’s possible.  By the by, all this time I thought he put the emphasis on Dee in Mandy.  Guess I was wrong.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Justin Verlander – Could return next week.  Kyle Lobstein will fill-in this Sunday.  Lobstein is the least fear-inducing pitcher name since Boof Bonser.

Alex Avila – 1-for-1, 4 runs with three walks for the Joey Votto Cycle!  Avila is piquing my interest.  Quack, quack, China Chef, I’m a mother-effin’ piquing duck!

Jose Iglesias – 4-for-4, 3 runs, hitting .857 through two games.  Yeah, it’s crazy early, but I think we have our first legitimate hot schmotato.  He wasn’t getting cheapie hits and in his first game he stole two bases, which tells me he’s hungry.  I like hungry.  It’s good for fantasy when a guy is hungry.  If Iglesias keeps going like this, before too long, he could be batting leadoff in a stacked lineup.

Anthony Gose – 3-for-6, 1 run, 3 RBIs.  Should be a cheap SAGNOF flyer, i.e., Hey, Gose….I feel the need…The need for speed!

Anibal Sanchez – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Twins.  Solid start, but against a major league offense he’ll be winning more 6-4 games, rather than shutting out his opponents.

Yoenis CespedesTigers scored 11 runs and Yoenis went 1-for-5.  Ticker tease!

Jake Peavy – On track to start on Sunday, after it was rumored he would go on the DL.  I’m guessing this shituation will change at least 17 times before Sunday.  With the 14th and 15th change, oh, so similar, yet different!

Brandon Belt – Has a minor groin strain, after undergoing an MRI on his groin.  I bet E.L. James could do something hilariously erotic with that.   “Put both feet up here.  No, not up there.  Up here.”  Anatasia takes his foot and places it in her mouth.  Incredibly, she moves his second foot into her mouth too.

Chris Heston – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks.  When Bochy went to remove him, Heston grabbed the ball, raised it triumphantly above his head and said, “From my cold dead hands!”  Heston could stay in the rotation for Cain since Vogelsong sung a terrible tune two nights ago, but Heston throws around a 89 MPH fastball and only had a 6+ K-rate in Triple-A, so I wouldn’t mess with him outside of an NL-Only league.

Nori Aoki – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI.  That Aoki is wrapped in Nori-deliciousness!

Matt Duffy – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and hit 2nd because he replaced Panik in the lineup and Panik was hitting second.  Ah, the ol’ White-Out lineup card management system made famous by Jim Leyland.

Casey McGehee – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, which came off Evan Marshall because no good ever came of drafting a middle reliever.  I love owning middle relievers to help with ratios, but they never feel safe in April.  It’s like you need until May to figure out which ones are gonna be good each year.

Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was outdueled by Aaron Harang (6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks).  That stings, Porcello.  That’s like your wife bidding more for Harang in a charity date auction.

Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and Frenchy’s first Freedom Fly in his first start.  Je suis Jeff!

Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-3, hitting in the two-hole.  Not much to see outside of deep leagues, but Phils don’t really have anyone else to hit in the two-hole so Ruiz could get some counting stats.  Lowercase yay, counting stats.

Michael Pineda – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  If you like Michael Pineda and making love in the R.A. Dickey Oh, sorry, didn’t hear you come in.  Pineda looked decent last night, and I expect big things from him this year.  Me likey, Mikey!

Andrew Miller – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save, looking dominant, after Dellin Betances was brought into the game in the 8th and gave up one run.  I will say this, I appreciate Betances giving us clarity on the Yankees bullpen situation.  That is very cool of him.  So, if you need Holds, grab Betances.

R.A. Dickey – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Solid enough, but, unlike JayWrong, I don’t have unconditional love for Dickey.  I meant that as it sounded, not as it sounded sounded.

Brett Cecil – 1/3 IP, 2 baserunners, blown save, and looked much worse than his line shows.  I don’t think he’s done just yet, but I do think he should be.  Enter stage right… Enter stage right… Enter… Someone open the curtains already!  Roberto Osuna!  God, it’s me Grey and Osuna should be the closer, like, yesterday.  Gibbons and the Blue Jays may not want Osuna to get that sorta pressure that quickly, but he didn’t seem fazed to step on the mound in Yankee Stadium with the bases loaded.  I grabbed Osuna in all leagues where I could.  If he’s not the closer, he will be an insane K-rate middle reliever.  Mark my words.  Don’t mark them with a Sharpie.  Doode, you just mucked up your ‘puter.

Scott Kazmir – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 baserunners, 10 Ks.  “Siri, remind me to tell people to trade Kazmir in July.  No, I don’t want to book a trip to India in July.  Forget it.”

Brett Lawrie – 3-for-5, 1 run, now batting .308.  Put that in your golden sombrero!

Mark Canha – 3-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs.  Canha had a huge spring, nearly as huge as Kris Bryant’s (Member him?  Me neither!), and Canha had 20 homers in Triple-A last year for the Marlins while batting .303.  He’s always shown power, too.  The caveat, no idea where or when he plays.  Same could be said of everyone on the A’s, but with no track record in the bigs, it makes it harder to trust Canha.  For now.  Muahahahahaha.  Sorry, I’m recently possessed.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-3, 1 run, 1 RBI.  In the lineup, Semien followed Phegley.  Ain’t that always the case?

Shelby Miller – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Member when it seemed like the balls were juiced?  You remember, it was like a day and a half ago.

A.J. Pierzynski – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Will be interesting to see how that Pollock gets platooned.  The A.J. one.  The Diamondbacks outfielder.  Dur.  Who else would I be talking about?

Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Averages about 93 MPH and had a decent not great K-rate last year.  I’m not on board yet, but I’d watch him like a cyclops with a monocle in very deep leagues.  He did have a 3.55 ERA in the 2nd half last year.

John Jaso – Headed to the DL.  David DeMessus and Some Guyer will fill-in for him.  Neither are great options outside of AL-Only leagues for some cheap speed.  I like DeJesus a tad bit more, but he’s no fantasy savior.

James Loney – Hit the DL with a strained oblique.  Allan Dykstra, or as his fans call him “Fails” (some fans!), was called up to replace him and start at 1st base.  He’s shown some pop in the minors (16 HRs in Triple-A last year), but that was in the PCL, which is like hitting with an aluminum bat on the moon, so 16 homers there might translate to Ecksteinian power.  Dykstra has always sported a great OBP, though sometimes that’s just due to him never swinging.  I remember trying that strategy in Little League, and we see how well that turned out for me.  In AL-Only leagues, I’d take a $1 flyer, but would rather entrust my IRA to Lenny Dykstra.  By the by, Allan Dykstra went 0-for-1 yesterday, then Tim Beckham pinch-hit for him.  They were both drafted in the 1st round of the 2008 Amateur Draft.  And that’s why Billy Beane trusts eggheads!

Jake Odorizzi – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks.  I had to go back to my top 60 starters to remind myself why I didn’t like Odorizzi this preseason, because he strikes me as a guy I would like.  After reading it, I’m still not sure.  Stupid January Grey!

Seth Smith – Sidelined with groin tightness.  The Mariners trainer thought at first Seth ran into Tiffani Thiessen.  Turned out The Lisper’s Nightmare just had a stiffy.

Michael Brantley – Scratched with back stiffness.  Same ailment that was bothering him in the spring.  Uh-oh, Chirinos!

Carlos Carrasco – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks.  I think anyone who didn’t draft or want to draft Carrasco has never seen him pitch.  He doesn’t just strikeout out hitters, he makes suckers look stupid.  There should be a separate rate from K-rate, a Sucker:Stupid rate.  Carrasco had a 1 to 1 Sucker:Stupid rate last night.  Every sucker he K’d looked stupid.

Jacob deGrom – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks.  I said earlier in this roundup something like, “What happened to the juiced balls from about three days ago?” and I realize what happened.  Opening Day is all the flashy names that ESPN and Yahoo touts as aces, but yesterday was the debut of all the nasty pitchers I told you to draft.  You’re welcome.

Ryan Zimmerman – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first home run.  Watch out for Sky’s MVP pick!

Jordan Zimmermann – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Is it me or do the Zimmerman(n)s always do well on the same day?  Well, the 12 games started by Jordan that Ryan is actually healthy for.

Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  I’ve drafted Hosmer for the last two years, and I believe that’s the first time he’s homered while on my team.  Now we’re on the log flume and we’re having fun!

Lorenzo Cain – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Cain…Sugar! is gonna be insane value for where he was drafted if he stays in the three hole and puts it together a 10+ homer, 25+ steal season.

Tyler Flowers – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  You would’ve been better drafting Flowers and Avila than those other guys you drafted.  Ah, catchers.

Avisail Garcia – 3-for-4, 1 run.  Grey Sounding Like He’s Out On A Limb But Really Shouldn’t Be Viewed As That Pro Tip!  Avisail will be drafted in the top 75 next year.

Eddie Butler – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I was admittedly watching mostly Carrasco last night, but I flipped here and there to see Butler and…Meh.  You’re no Butler, more like a Man-maid found on Craigslist.

Corey Dickerson – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  He’s hitting a home run every other game, because Weiss can’t bench someone who hit a home run in the last two days.  What a schtickerson!

Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his first home run.  I just got chills thinking about the Rockies hitting in Coors.  Wait a minute, Cougs, shut the window, I’m freezing!

Justin Morneau – 0-for-4.  Almost didn’t start yesterday due to getting hit by an errant throw on the neck the night before.  Wilin Rosario was temporarily put in to replace Morneau, but then Morneau talked his way into the lineup.  Morneau said, “Skip–”  And Walt Weiss heard enough and removed Rosario.

Wilin Rosario – Hit the pinch-hit, game-winning home run in the 10th inning, because he’s actually good.  Too bad Walt Weiss is actually stupid.

LaTroy Hawkins – 1 IP, 2 ER and the blown save.  You know what goes real well with an noodle-armed closer?  Ottavino.

Wily Peralta – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks and one homer allowed.  Ah, Wily, you throw so hard, yet make it so hard to like you.

Scooter Gennett – 0-for-4 as he hit eighth.  And I’m done with him.  I don’t have time for bird sex and I don’t have patience for a middle infidel that isn’t hitting and in the bottom of the order.  Here’s to you, Jose Iglesias!

Gerrit Cole – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Well, here’s one guy I liked in the preseason that didn’t look so good.  I will say this after this clunky sentence opening, Cole looks completely hittable in some starts and then dazzling in others.

Todd Frazier – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer.  Yeah, but two games and still no steals.  Huh?  Huh?  Yeah!

Billy Hamilton – 3-for-5, 1 run and 3 steals, (2, 3, 4). How cool would it be if he stole 100 bases?  Okay, I’ll specify.  How cool would it be for me because I actually drafted him?

Hisashi Iwakuma – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks.  Hisashi my dashi — slurp, slurp, bloop, bloop, blast!

Brad Miller – 2-for-4 and his 1st homer.  When you wish middle infielders had more eligibility, you have a problem.  Why do I want to own so many of these guys?

Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks (zero walks).  I got the sense during draft season I was the only ‘pert that liked Shoemaker, and I still do.  Solid Ks and doesn’t walk anyone, which should result in keeping his club in the game and a solid ERA.  Don’t sleep on the Shoe!  Unless you’re Evan Gattis’s old homeless buddies.

Matt Joyce – 1-for-4, 1 run as he played over Cron.  *shakes fist*  Sciosciapath!

Scott Baker – Could be the Dodgers’ fifth starter.  Depends on if Mattingly uses his pinkie when counting or jumps from his ring finger to other thumb.

Joel Peralta – 1 IP, 0 ER and the easy(ish) save!  I own Peralta and not Hatcher, so I want this to be how the Dodgers saves happen while Kenley is sidelined, but it’s still likely in flux.

Adrian Gonzalez – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs with 3 homers, to bring his total to 5 homers on the year.  Next stop, Bonds!  Yesterday, I posed a question to youse that said I wonder if older players are better out of the gate, since they wear down as the season goes on and younger players get more comfortable.  The results are in!  Commenter Chris wrote, “Players who are 31+ in age saw their OPS go down 55% of the time (11 of the 20 hitters).  Players who are <31 in age saw their OPS go down 44% of the time (22 of the 50 hitters).  Adrian Gonzalez was the player over 30 who saw the biggest increase in OPS in the second half of the year last year.”

Brandon McCarthy – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Sure, but he had an excellent xFIP!

Andrew Cashner – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Also a great xFIP!  Watch out in those Benjamin Netanyahu leagues!

Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-4 and his 1st home run.  On the one team I have him, I’ve gone to waivers and picked up a corner infidel replacement for Middlebrooks five times in the last three days, but didn’t push click to drop Middlebrooks.  If Uribe would’ve homered on Tuesday, I might not own Middlebrooks anymore.  How’s that for a big vote of confidence?

Yonder Alonso – 3-for-4, 1 run and back-to-back three hit nights.  Who’s over Yonder now?

Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks.  This could be the 2nd year in a row where Lynn gets no love from the fantasy community and puts up another top 30 starter season.  You’d think the fantasy community would want love anywhere it could get it.

Jake Arrieta – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Cubs fans were said to be so enamored with how Arrieta was pitching that they didn’t want to go to the bathroom while he was on the mound.  Though, that could’ve been the river of urine running out of the one working bathroom.

James Russell – Signed a minor league deal with the Cubs.  In his picture, he looks like a fat DeGrom.  Call him DeNomnomnom.