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My schmohawk posts are like the fantasy equivalent of Final Destination.  First, A.J. Pollock loses his season, then Kyle Schwarber is carted off the field after running into Fowler.  If I were Miguel Sano, I’d look both ways while carefully crossing to the plate to strikeout.  And Tulo, well, I would just stay in the hyperbaric chamber that you sleep in for your hamstrings.  I’m not sure if it was the writing of the posts, publishing of the posts or simply thinking about writing the posts that jinxed these players.  Where does my kavorka start and end?  Is it okay for me to think bad thoughts about Trevor Story?  How serious are my premonitions?  Oh, and one side note, you never want to see anyone get hurt, but how on earth did Schwarber get hurt and Fowler was fine?  Schwarber’s got like 200 pounds on him.  Damn, Dexter Fowler is one strong bean.  So, Schwarber has a sprained ankle and is headed for an MRI today.  He could be gone for a while, which could help Jorge Soler see some light, though I’m not sure this won’t just mean more playing time for Matt Szczur, Javier Baez (when he returns) or Kris Bryant into the outfield.  I’m not even joking; Maddon’s playbook is written in hieroglyphics and the Rosetta Stone didn’t make it through baggage claim.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

John Lackey –  6 IP, 6 ER.  Whew, thank God, I have all of these safe starters!

Anthony Rizzo – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  HR to the Rizzo!  Oh, and seriously, people were waiting until the 2nd round to draft him?  C’mon.

Jean Segura – 2-for-4 and two home runs (2, 3).  If you heard the last podcast, you might remember the moment when J.B. said he’s been targeting Segura all preseason.  It’s memorable because there’s a long pause from me until I finally incredulously say, “Why didn’t you mention this when people were drafting?”  It would’ve been nice to know!

Jake Lamb – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs. I wonder if they’d let Lamb into The Cotton Club?  Lamb will be in this afternoon’s Buy column.  That’s right, it’s triumphant return.  You can hardly wait!  No, you!

Jay Bruce – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs with his 1st and 2nd homers.  I Googled “Bruce on a tear,” and I found countless websites by middle-aged women where they recounted stories of Bruce Springsteen’s jeans torn a little too close to the crotch.  I then Googled “Jay Bruce on a tear,” and the results said, “Yeah, it’ll last for a few weeks, maybe a month.”  Damn, my Google sounds cynical.  Let me try this, I’m Googling “Do you believe in the golden rule?”  The results are “Those with gold rule.”  Damn, Google, you’re bringing me down!  Last year, Bruce had a solid 1st half — 13 HRs, 6 SBs, .251.  Then, in the 2nd half, Bruce’s wheels fell off, which would’ve been fine if he was Born to Run, but he was Born in the U.S.A., and we take cars to work here.  So, the Glory Days of Bruce being a top 20 outfielder are behind us, and I’m not getting in the Tunnel of Love with him and The Ghost of Tom Joad, I’m just here for a little Thunder Road.

Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Hot schmotato alert!

Robert Stephenson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (2 BBs), 1 K.  The guy who brought the K placards to the game was glad he also brought his book of Sudoku.  Stephenson has nice upside, but, in his first major league start, he missed his spots a lot and gave up a ton of fly balls, which is not great in that park.  If he keeps getting starts for the Reds, I’m going to continue rolling with him in an NL-Only league.  Looks a bit early for mixed leagues.

Jeanmar Gomez – The Swedish/Venezuelan relief pitcher has been tabbed by Pete Macktheknife as his next closer.  Macktheknife came to that conclusion after he played a game of chess with the Grim Reaper.  Okay, it was just Odubel Herrera wearing horns and carrying a pitchfork, but same diff!  Jeanmar throws 89 MPH and has around a 6 K/9, so, of course, I picked him up everywhere I could.  SAGNOF!

Carlos Ruiz – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Ruiz rounded the bases pretending he was playing Mario Kart, he says it helps with his ADHD.

Ryan Howard – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  After the game, Howard appeared on QVC with Lori Greiner.  A special one-time promotion, Ryan Howard, $50 million in salary and Darnell Sweeney for anything.  Phone lines are open.

Cedric Hunter – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 1st homer.  The Phils might be the first club that has an entire lineup that could be all Rule 5 players.  They just need an injury to Maikel.  Hunter seems to have stolen away the outfield time that was pegged in the preseason for Tyler Goeddel.  Hunter had nice minor league numbers last year (12 HRs, 11 SBs, .283), but he’s ancient (28) to have never seen any real major league time.  Maybe he surprises some pitchers, but I wouldn’t expect a ton.  Though, my excitement would grow if he changed his name to Freddryer Hunter, cause that would be sauce made of awesome.

Howie Kendrick – Cleared for rehab games.  Gangster Rudolph said, “I was cleared for reindeer games, beeyatch!”

Yasmani Grandal – Also cleared for rehab games.  Gangster Rudolph said, “Same.  Peace sign!”

Alex Wood – 5 IP, 5 ER.  I’m having a hard time remembering when this guy was good.  Speaking of which, he faced Jake Peavy (5 IP, 4 ER).

Joc Pederson – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Even if he hits 25 homers by the All-Star break, you won’t believe it’s real until he does it for the whole year.  See, I know you.

Hunter Pence – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run, a grand slam.  Looks like The Gangly Manbird took his breakup with Steph Tanner in stride.  A long, awkward stride.

Joe Panik – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs.  Take him in a draft, and you’ll be glad you got Joe Panik’s.  Now he wanna pound the ball until it stinks.  Brandon Crawford (1-for-4, 2 runs) can be my shorty in an ill convoy.  Let me hit you from the back, girl, I won’t catch Evan Gattis’s hernia.  Get your butt off the couch, you got Marcus Semien’s furniture.

Adam Conley – 1 IP 3 ER vs. Tanner Roark (4 IP, 3 ER).  Both pitchers were undone by a 90-minute rain delay after top of the 2nd, which is ridiculous.   How can umpires not just delay the start of the game?  Do they not have Weather.com?  Are the giant effin’ nimbostratus clouds hanging overhead not obvious enough?  Do the umps need an instant replay of the last time it rained?

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his first steal.  Now has one more steal than Dee Gordon.  Lowercase yay.

Bryce Harper – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd home run.  Glad I didn’t have a chance to draft him this year.  Wouldn’t want him making the rest of my players feeling inferior in my fantasy clubhouse.

Adam Jones – Out with oblique discomfort.  Very funny, Pac-Man doesn’t even have obliques.  He’s a round, freakin’ yellow dot with a mouth.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and his 1st home run.  Machado hit third yesterday behind Joey Rickard (1-for-4 and his 1st homer) and Nolan Reimold (2-for-4).  Someone should let Buck Showalter know he has his lineup card upside down.

Joe Mauer – 2-for-4 and his 1st home run.  Over/under for his home run total is what?  Nine?  He has one already.  Would anyone take the over?  Anyone?

Danny Santana – 2-for-4 and his 1st steal.  After Dannys Antana made me eat my misplaced S last year, there’s reports that he’s found his stroke like Billy Squier.  Still doesn’t have a full-time job, but is worth cyclops’ing.

Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  He pitched a little better than the line because Trevor May came in and gave up two inherited runs.  Trevor May would be good (back in the minors).

Ubaldo Jimenez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (zero walks), 9 Ks.  There’s probably nothing here in shallower leagues, and this game was vs. the Twins, but zero walks to nine Ks is nothing to scoff at, you scoffer.  I’m not picking him up yet, because his next matchup is awful, but he had surprisingly decent K (8+ K/9) and walk (3-ish BB/9) rates last year.

James Loney – Signed with the Padres.  He will automatically become their 2nd best hitter.  I’m not even joking.

Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Santiago will have a 3.25 to 3.60 ERA all season and not be owned by anyone.  Mean’s while, everyone will know if they should pick up Finnegan, and he will give up 5 ER in his next 4 IP.

Yunel Escobar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  I wanna say that’s the Angels first home run, but I think it’s also their first hit all year.  “Angels play the Padres and zero-zero game goes into the 22nd inning, news at eleven.”

Sam Dyson – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER, but the earned run came when the Rangers went back to Shawn Tolleson and he gave up a moonshot to Albert Pujols (2-for-5, 1 RBI).  I’d still continue to hold Dyson in a non-sexual way.

Derek Holland – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks.  I watched a special the other night on Real Sports about bike culture in Europe, and, long story short, does Holland ride his bike to work?

Michael Brantley – Headed for Columbus for workouts.  He’ll start with light running, fielding drills and trying to find something to do in Columbus.

Josh Donaldson – John Gibbons said Donaldson could return to the lineup today vs. the Red Sox.  Gibbons then slid into the circle of reporters taking out three, screaming, “I’m safe!”

Lance McCullers – Will begin a rehab assignment on Monday.  That sounds wonderful and doesn’t jive with my definition of the Mondays.  That feels more like a Sunday Funday or a Casual Friday or even a let’s-see-if-this-door-is-really-dent-resistant-Saturn-day.

Carlos Correa – 0-for-4.  Who is this loser?!

Tyler White – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 1st home run.  Mr. White did it was a baseball bat in the Stadium.  *reveals cards*  Ms. Peacock with a candlestick in the library?  Are candles in a library safe with all of those dusty books?  So, White has three games played, batting .667.  Means nothing, small sample size, she said, but I still picked White up in my RCL.  Maybe he gets demoted to a bench/role player in June when Reed comes up, maybe I don’t care because I might drop White in another few days when he cools off.

Preston Tucker – 1-for-2 and his 1st homer.  I went to look at his stats to get a feel for him and… He’s white?!  Talk about a Reggie Cleveland All-Star.  Tucker has some power upside, but he’s failed to live up to anything for a while now, which hints at Quad-A.

Mike Fiers – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Tears for Fiers with their smash hit, “Shout…Shout…You can’t get anyone out!”

Starlin Castro – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer.  If he has his best season of his career (which actually would be a very valuable season) and I think he can, I’ll wonder why I was the only one who saw it coming.  Literally the only one.  Not even Castro himself.  And that’s my story and I’m sticking to it!  Damn, that reminds me of Trevor Story.

Mark Teixeira – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd home run in two days.  This Zombino has been almost going on as long as The Walking Dead, a show that I’ve never seen and have absolutely no desire to see.  Something about every single person who watches it saying some variation of, “It was great…at times…five seasons ago.”  It’s almost like its viewers are zombies too.

Didi Gregorius – 1-for-3, 1 run and his 1st steal.  Will Gardner, Ellsbury, Te(i)x, McCann and A-Roid get hurt already, I need Didi and Castro to move up the lineup!

Brian McCann – 2-for-4 and his 1st home run.  He’s fine, don’t take this the wrong way, but the Astros and Yankees fed off some lousy pitching in their opening series.  And Zombinos love to feed off live humans.

Nate Eovaldi – 5 IP, 5 ER.  Yeah, okay, but he threw the ball fast!

Mat Latos – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners (1 Hit), 2 Ks vs. Kendall Graveman – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks.  This matchup was billed as Graveman vs. One Foot In The Grave, Man.  I’m honestly not sure if Latos looked good or the A’s are just awful.  Like Altuve, I’m going with the latter.  The Stream-o-Nator doesn’t like Latos’s next start, and I’d avoid.

Adam Eaton – 2-for-5.  He’s had a lot of hits so far this year (hitting .563), but not much else to show for it.  It’s like he’s Eaton rice cakes.  *high-fives self*  Ow, carpal tunnel!

Jose Abreu – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Good to see he’s in the right head space after visiting his homeland, Cuba, this preseason for the first time since he defected.  He hadn’t seen his son in three years.  Abreu said through a translator, “My boy looks just like me.  I’m glad we named him Frank Thomas Jr.”