“Alexa, for Amazon Prime Day can you order me Clorox? Thank you, Alexa. Now can you order me clips to hold my mouth and eyes open? Thanks, Alexa! Now can you order me a large man to pour the bleach into my mouth and eyes while shoving me into my oven? Oh, and Alexa, if you can get German Marquez to do it, that would be so appropriate!” German yesterday? Guten tagged! Here’s a visual metaphor for you: A German U-boat filled with men, one toilet and only Taco Bell to eat for a blitzkrieg of runs. Marquez is driving me insane but he is not an Uber ally, because he is dead to me. Goodbye, Nazi In Exile, enjoy your long walks along the Chilean coast and your alpaca farm where you shave little German helmets on your animals. After 2 2/3 IP, 11 ER, ERA up to 5.12, I will never draft you again or any Rockies pitcher. I should’ve learned my lesson from Jon Gray last year! (Though, he’s been okay this year — shut up, Contrary Grey!) In my deeper leagues, where I have no choice, I’ll still be sadly starting Marquez in away games. *sees his next start is in Yankee Stadium* Lowercase yay! He might be Deutschland but I’m Dunceland for owning him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Evan Longoria – Hit the IL with plantar fasciitis. Is it me or do a large number of corner men get plantar fasciitis? I wonder if Bodie or Wee-Bey ever got plantar fasciitis.
Brandon Crawford – 6-for-9, 4 runs, 9 RBIs and his 7th, 8th and 9th homer. Just the way I drew it up for my Rockies doubleheader when I started Marquez and collected a bunch of 0-fers from my Rockies hitters. It was the blurst of times!
Mike Yastrzemski – 4-for-10, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. I streamed Yaz for a batty call, but since it was against my Marquez, it really felt like effin’ my stepsister.
Michael Chavis – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, his 1st career grand slam, hitting .259. Something we should know about this year, if you’re betting against guys to stop hitting, you’re gonna be wrong more than you’re right.
Rick Porcello – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.37. How good has he been? Worse than even German! That’s the new cutoff for how good or bad pitchers have been: the Line of DeMarquezation.
Andrew Benintendi – 2-for-5, 1 run, 3 RBIs, hitting .268. *kicks someone (thing?) wearing a Benintendi jersey* Oh, crap, I thought you were a lifeless mannequin! My bad!
Brandon Workman – 1 IP, 0 ER, and his 4th save, ERA at 1.70. Imagine not realizing Workman should be your closer for three months.
Trent Thornton – 1 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.25. Second straight disaster start for TT against Boston. “Round trip ride on the T – next stop Kenmore Square….ly hit balls be hit against a starting pitcher?”
Billy McKinney – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, as he was recalled. Recalled by whom? His loved ones, I’m sure. Maybe people with a similar name who get his mail? Might be recalled by them.
Adam Plutko – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.40. I’m pretty sure a Plutko is a dirty sex act we can’t discuss.
Oscar Mercado – 3-for-5, and a double slam (5, 6) and legs (7), hitting .284. Cooled off a bit after his immediate hot streak upon being called up and upon is a word you never want to say in-person to anyone. You will get a fat lip.
Harold Castro – 2-for-4, 1 RBI, hitting .322, and hitting near-.600 in the last four games. Should’ve mentioned this yesterday, but Castro’s a flaming hot schmotato. Viva el Harold!
Jeimer Candelario – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. Been rocking Jeimer for about two weeks in a few different leagues. Has five homers in July in 10 games. Can’t spell Jeimer or homer without mer, coincidence?!
Jordy Mercer – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd and 3rd homer, hitting .213. Commissioner Rob Manfred took the 2nd home run ball off Mercer’s bat, ran a series of tests on the ball, read the tests, shredded the tests and said, “Things look normal here. Now freeze frame while I’m giving a thumbs up.”
Chris Taylor – Hit the IL with a fractured forearm. Initial x-rays came back clean, then the 2nd x-ray machine said, “Go home, ya drunk 1st x-ray machine.” Batt Meatty was recalled, and Kiké should see more playing time.
Cody Bellinger – 4-for-6, 4 runs and his 32nd and 33rd homer, hitting .341. Bellinger sing-songy, “Hey, Yelich? Anything you can do, I can do better!” Yelich, “Eat ass?” Bellinger sing-songy, “Anything better than–What the hell, man?”
Clayton Kershaw – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00. For long-time readers, it might’ve been a surprise to some that I placed Kershaw in my top 100 for the 2nd half. I still worry about him throwing a full season, or a full half of a season now, but he’s been great when healthy. Unlike literally every other pitcher I own.
Max Muncy – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 24th homer. After the game, Muncy said, “If Bumgarner is traded to the Phils, consider that home run off him.” Lay off him, Max!
Alex Verdugo – 3-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .311. The good news is he is facing the Phils, who give a shizzton of homers. The better news, Verdugo is hitting near-.450 in the last week. The even better news, the rule of three lives on!
Scott Kingery – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer. He was hitting .091 in the last week, so hopefully this is the start of something and no more K’ingery. High five the crap out of me! No? All right.
Zach Eflin – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.16. Six innings and seven runs? That’s a mere inning from Marquez!
George Springer – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer, hitting .306. If you’re not hitting three homers a day, really, what are you doing? Taking a siesta?
Max Fried – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.08. Sonavabench! How do I start Marquez and not Fried? How, LORD?! Any hoo! This was like Fried’s best start since April (thereabouts), and was in Milwaukee. Though, the Brewers seem scary on paper, but trees are extinct, we’re looking at computers and the Brewers have not been playing well for a few weeks now. Either way, the Streamonator likes Fried’s next start, but he has a blister on his hand, so he might be skipped. Stay tuned! Or not. Your choice.
Ryan Braun – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .270. Frequent commenter, knucks, said this yesterday, “I saw that Ryan Braun made a batting stance adjustment after seeing something about Bellinger during the break. He’s been hitting the ball hard coming out of the break.” And that’s me quoting knucks!
Tyler O’Neill – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. If you’re not hitting multiple home runs, who are you, Vlad Jr.? Vlad Jr. in real games, not Vlad Jr. in a Home Run Derby. I added O’Neill when Ozuna first went down to a whammy on the middle digit, and now he has three homers in three games.
Gregory Polanco – Left his rehab game with shoulder soreness. Arghfortunate! Ya know, instead of unfortunate. No? Okay.
Willson Contreras – Hit the IL with a strain of his arch on his foot. The Cubs said out the left side of their mouth they were trading for Martin Maldonado, then, out of the right side of their mouth, said Contreras will be back in ten days. I tend to trust a left side of a mouth, but maybe the right side isn’t lying.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-5 and his 20th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Hot schmotato alert and hot-under-the-collar alert for Joe Buck.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-5 and his 22nd homer. No joke, any home run from Puig that isn’t followed by a benches-clearing brawl has to feel like a win.
Eugenio Suarez – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. Damn, instead of 22 homers, I could’ve just wrote ” “. Member that? Or was that a Jersey thing? Putting quotes as a way of saying same? I faintly remember this when people wrote things out still.
Kyle Hendricks – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.46. If you started Hendricks, you should let out a major exhale to mimic the hot air that was blowing out yesterday at Wrigley.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .302. In another game, Mike Freeman (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer. Elias Sports Bureau said the last time two Freemen homered since 1776 when teabagging was all the rage in Boston.
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Solid bounce back after four straight starts from Giolito where he failed to get out of the sixth inning and two starts where he gave up six earned.
Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th and 27th homer, hitting .221. Edwin could roll out of bed, put a parrot on his shoulder and hit 35 homers until he’s 50.
Gio Urshela – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .301. Was listening to the Yankees broadcast yesterday and they said something like, “The way this organization found the talent in Urshela when no one else saw it and gave him an opportunity, is astounding.” Yeah, the organization also injured Andujar on purpose so Gio could play, I’m assuming.
Nate Lowe – Didn’t start yesterday, but was seen working out at third base. Wonder if he brought in his own dumbbells or just used Yandy’s gym that he built by the third base bag. This is good news for Lowe, because, with the return of Lowe (not confusing at all!), Lowe doesn’t have a place to play.
Travis d’Arnaud – 3-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 7th, 8th and 9th homers. Travis d’Arnaud always hit well in New York, except, well, of course, when he was actually on a New York team. Now d’Arnaud is going by the more French-sounding, Champ-used-to-be-in-Shea. Or The French Terminator, d’Arnaud. “I’ll be Basque.” They’re French puns, you frog lovers! As for d’Arnaud, he’s okay if you’re hankering for a catcher scab pickin’.
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.55. Even he’s been better than Marquez! Barely though, so don’t be telling me Marquez de Shat is literally the only garbage pitcher this year.
Zack Wheeler – Hit the IL with shoulder fatigue. *paints face to look like an aluminum can* Drop me off at the junkyard and recycle me! I’m useless in this form! So, how about those 2nd half starters to buy low? Huh? Pretty awesome, right? I’m so cursed I can’t even say anything except I’m a bleeping bleep bleep bleep. Mets say Wheeler could be back next week, but the Mets doctors once diagnosed a pitcher with a torn labrum and prescribed them a dental dam, so who knows.