Whatever happened to Flavor of Love? That show was my jizzoint! And Rock of Love, its companion piece, was the Better Call Saul to its Breaking Bad. You can’t tell me those two shows went off the air because Flavor or Brett found love. They were both likely married when the shows aired. It wasn’t about love, it was about meeting incredible people and finding out about other cultures..and watching girls fight! So, Matt Boyd rang ’em up and rang ’em down (Is that the saying? Let’s say it is!) with a line of 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Boyd came over to the Tigers in the David Price trade, which is different than the Star of David trade, which sent a necklace to Bernie Hermowitz for a mah jong set. Sadly, Boyd is a streamer for most mixed leagues with his 91 MPH fastball and likely 6 to 7 K/9. In his next start, he gets the Royals again, and no matter what the Stream-o-Nator says, I wouldn’t touch him, not unless Mo’Nique’s taking him under her wing at Charm School (another great show!). Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Alex Wilson – 1/3 IP and his 2nd save and is definitely the closer, if people are waiting on grabbing him. The third of a inning save is slightly goofy though. I’m guessing Ausmus knows he’s gonna be fired this offseason so he’s just messin’ around now.
Alex Gordon – Hopes to take BP this weekend. I hope to have a careless affair with my pilates instructor. We all have different goals.
Johnny Cueto – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. Not sure if you’ve seen Cueto’s orange beard, but the metamorphosis into Koko B. Ware is almost complete.
Michael Pineda – Played catch yesterday. I just realized something when I saw Pineda’s picture. You don’t think his constant arm problems could have anything to do with his flat bill, do you? The Flat-Billed Pitchypus has a long history of being prone to injuries and climate change. Let’s check in with Kris Medlen to hear more. “The day after I ironed my cap’s brim I needed my 2nd Tommy John surgery.” Dr. James Andrews added, “A flat brim and one’s arm equilibrium are directly related.”
Brian McCann – Will miss a few days due to his knee. When asked if he could’ve played, he said, “I…. I… McCan’t.”
Luis Severino – 5 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 7 Ks in his first major league start. Pretttttttay, pretttttttay good. I’m not one to get excited about Yankees or Red Sawx, because we have ESPN to do that for us, but the zippity on his dippity looked mighty tasty. I just gave you my Luis Severino fantasy (clickbait!), am glad I grabbed him in one league and am annoyed I didn’t grab him in more, i.e., that’s an endorsement.
Steven Wright – 8 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks. After the game, Steven Wright deadpanned, “The only run I surrendered was a home run to Carlos Beltran. I was sorry to see him go.”
David Ortiz – 1-for-4 and his 21st homer. At some point soon, he’s gonna be a Grand Papi, right?
Josh Harrison – Began his rehab. I believe that’s of no relation to Menachem Begin.
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Okay, so this year the only O face he gave anyone was when you watched him bat while you were eating SpaghettiOs, but next year he could take the same leap as Marte.
Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Uh-oh, doode’s gone into the fire palace from the 7th Indy Jones movie that you haven’t seen yet called, Temple of Fire, Snitches!
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. The Cubs should sell shirts that read, “Our Prospects Pop Boners.”
Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.57. You know how the ref would hold up someone’s arm after Sgt. Slaughter applied the Cobra Clutch and if their arm fell three times, it was done? C-Mart looks like he’s about to drop his arm for the third time.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-6, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. It’s hilarious (not hilarious). Grichuk shouldn’t even be playing with all the Cards options, but he just won’t stop hitting.
Chase Anderson – Due back this weekend. Five imaginary dollars says you can’t figure out where he’s returning from. If you said Bermuda, you’re wrong. If you said from campaigning for president, you’re also wrong. It does seem like everyone’s getting in the race now.
Ender Inciarte – 3-for-6, 2 runs as every Diamondbacks player seemed to get three hits; A.J. Pollock (3-for-6, 1 run, and 24th steal) and Paul Goldschmidt (3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and 2 steals, 18 and 19). The Diamondbacks are like the Rockies without needing no stinking Coors. Or skunked Coors, as the case may be.
Welington Castillo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. I know what saying a catcher is hot gets me, but Castillo is about as hot as they come right now, no matter the position.
Denard Span – Shooting for rehab games next week. NRA would be happy to hear that.
Michael Taylor – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Still can’t get out of the bottom of the lineup, but should still be on your teams.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 29th homer, and his 3rd homer in three games. Please, someone tell me he keeps hitting homers and I’m just not forgetting to refresh my fantasy team page.
LaTroy Hawkins – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save on the Blue Jays. Osuna had worked four times in the last six days, so he got a day of rest, A-A-ron Sanchez was serving a suspension, and Hawkins had to move off the bench soon or his arthritis would set in.
Jose Bautista – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 24th homer. Also, in this game, Edwin Encarnacion (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 20th homer. Member the Bash Brothers? I’m gonna call Bautista and Edwin, the Cortisone Brothers.
Byron Buxton – Could begin rehab games this Friday. I wait with bated breath. Don’t fear, our dolphin readers, that’s not baited.
Aaron Hicks – 2-for-5, 2 runs. Once a schmotato, always a schmotato. No, actually that’s untrue, but Hicks looks like he’s still hot.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .278. If the Cubs are the lovable losers, the Twins are the boring, well-intentioned losers like right out of a Nicholas Sparks book, The Sanotebook.
Carlos Correa – 0-for-4, 1 run and two steals (7, 8). It’s not The Weeknd, but Correa makes it so I can’t feel my face, but I love it.
Michael Cuddyer – Hopes to return from his sore knee this Friday. Can someone Gillooly this guy?
Matt Harvey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 2.76, and he only threw 88 pitches, which alone should get a high school cafeteria slow clap for Terry Collins.
Eric O’Flaherty – 2/3 IP, 4 ER in his first game as setup on his new team, the Mets. Eric, don’t look directly into the Mets taint! It will destroy you!
Juan Uribe – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer. You know the drill. No, I don’t mean the new Clue piece, the drill. I mean, Uribe hits one homer and he usually hits a few more soon after.
Ruben Tejada – 3-for-4 as he played instead of Flores, who was watching a long distance phone commercial in the clubhouse and bawling his eyes out.
Derek Dietrich – 3-for-5, 1 run. He feels like the Saladino of the NL. Not flashy, batting 2nd for a weak team and I’m playing him in leagues because of a middle infield suckhole.
Joe Panik – His MRI on his back showed only inflammation. Sounds like a day-to-day thing, but he landed on the DL on Monday. Maybe he shouldn’t have…Ugh, what’s the word I’m looking for here? Urgent distress? No, that’s not it.
Madison Bumgarner – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks. Member when his insane amount of innings last year was a problem? I mentioned it early on, but that’s because my Magic Eight Ball told me to. Don’t shoot the messenger, people!
Matt Duffy – 2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs. I can’t wait for him to be overrated next year.
Taylor Jungmann – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks. Damn, I really should be focusing on pitchers in pitchers’ parks and not guys in launching pads like Miller Park, but I kinda end up loving all Brewers pitchers. They have so much sex appeal!
Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Phils. Was an obvious streamer yesterday, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t hate his next either.
Yasiel Puig – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Being that the Puig was in Philly, he’s lucky the Randy Wolfpack wasn’t attending the game or they would’ve blown the dugout in.
Andre Ethier – 2-for-5, hitting near-.400 in the last week. I would’ve been more forceful the other day about pointing out how hot Ethier is if I would’ve realized how few leagues he’s owned in (30%). This isn’t saying a ton, but he’s been better than Puig this year.
Chase Utley – Said he’s going to return to the Phillies to consult. Guess he was hired at the law firm, Old, Tired and Liptzberg.
Jeff Francoeur – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said the Phillies’ lineup with Franco followed by Francoeur is the first time such similar names have occurred back-to-back, since the Giants had Jeff Kent followed by Barry Bonds, when they were known as Dipshit and Diphittier.
Daniel Nava – Rays claimed him off of waivers. How will they possibly fit him in with Mahtook, Richie and Kiermaier? There’s only so much room for so many schmohawks.
Erasmo Ramirez – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.83. I want to turn him upside down and Erasmo his last three of four starts from my fantasy team’s stats. Dudeslice is way too unpredictable and I’d look elsewhere in most mixed leagues.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer. Twelve homers? Damn, we’re in rarefied air now. Assuming said air is coming in off the northern New Jersey coastline and your eyes are watering due to the toxic fumes.
Asdrubal Cabrera – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and a home run on Tuesday. Now hitting over-.400 in the last week. Hot schmotato alert!
Carlos Rodon – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 5.00. This start came against the Rays. I believe someone asked yesterday if they should start Rodon. I didn’t say it then, but if you can’t start Rodon against the Rays at home, you should not own Rodon. And, really, you shouldn’t own him.
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-3, 4 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Don’t worry, I know your steelo, I won’t suggest you pick him up.
Danny Salazar – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Not a bad start– Imma let you finish, but Carrasco made a video of the best last two starts of the year! Of the year!
Cody Allen – 2/3 IP, 3 ER and his 3rd blown save. Frank and Kathie Lee cannot be happy with Cody’s performance. Ugh, that Salazar win would’ve been nice, too. Allen’s now given up runs in five of his last eight appearances. He’s garbage and then garbage called and said, “Stop making me look bad.” I grabbed Bryan Shaw where I could and, brucely, I was surprised I was able to get him in some leagues.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer. Loved him coming into the year, and, well, that didn’t work out like Coach Taylor drew it up on the dry erase board, but Ramirez is leading off and I grabbed him in one league. Is that the Truffle Shuffle? Nope, it’s the Middle Infield Shuffle, been doing it all year. I’ve done it three times since I started this post!
Kole Calhoun – 1-for-4 and his 15th homer. Release the Calhounds!
C.J. Cron – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs, hitting .260. How much does The Sciosciapath hate Cron? He’s now batting Conor Gillaspie (0-for-3, hitting .236) in front of him. Why? Who the eff knows?! I believe Gillaspie is the type of lizard that was in the movie, The Freshman, so maybe The Sciosciapath is an igunaphile.
Hector Santiago – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.78. I have a feeling his ERA will still look solid at the end of the year, but he seems like he’s taking the slow, long way to a 3.30 ERA.
Coco Crisp – Just returned from the DL and didn’t start yesterday with a sore neck. Resting can only take you so far if you have a Viagra lodged in your throat.
Kendall Graveman – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks. Rudy and I were on the phone yesterday during this game and it went like this, “Wei-Yin Chen (pronounced incorrectly) has five freakin’ wins all year and now the O’s can’t hit Graveman…Incredible. What was that beep sound? Linda Tripp, is that you?”
Marcus Semien – 2-for-3, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 10th steal. I was about to say hot schmotato, but he’s hitting around .200 in the last week, so, with Semien, I might be premature.
Chris Davis – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 28th homer. There’s a zone, then there’s Autozone, then there’s what Davis is currently in.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 22nd homer. To think in March you were talking about how the other CarGo is the real CarGo. Please stand up, please stand up.
Taijuan Walker – 7 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks. Yes, I know, sonavabench, but you couldn’t have started him in Coors. Wasn’t worth the potential agita.
Ketel Marte – 0-for-4 as he leadoff, hitting .211. I believe it’s irony that Ketel was leading off yesterday for the Mariners because Lloyd Christmas McClendon’s managerial decisions appear to be Ketel induced.
Fernando Rodney – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 6th blown save as Carson Smith threw a scoreless two-thirds of an eighth inning. I think this blank stare by Coolio encapsulates everyone’s reaction to McClendon’s insistence on using Rodney. Annoyed and it’s getting old.
