Luis Severino will be called up to face the Red Sox on Wednesday and presumably will stay in the rotation for the busted, no-candy-giving Pineda. I say presumably, because can we really be sure about anything other than smart stuff coming from my brain, but not being able to come up with a synonym for stuff? It’s rhetorical, don’t rack your brain custard. Severino’s minor league numbers are eye-popping like John Lithgow in The Twilight Zone: The Movie (not a dated reference at all!). In Double-A, a 11.4 K/9 and a 1.91 ERA in Triple-A. Yup, I’m like a migrant worker cherrypicking stats, but I’d gamble on Severino in all leagues for upside. He looks like he might be the 2nd coming of wonderful with a splash of yummystiltskin. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4 and his 29th homer. Why couldn’t I had fallen into a coma the day I thought it was a good idea to drop him in April? Is a brief coma too much to ask?!
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. If there’s any justice to the Yankees doing well again this year when they should really be as bad as the Red Sox, the Yankees will make it to the playoffs and Ellsbury will have a huge series so Janie and Johnny Schmohawk all draft him high again next year.
Stephen Drew – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs, hitting .199. Siri, how well has Drew hit the last few games? Hot schmotato here? “I’m sorry, Grey, I do not understand gibberish, especially not with that Jersey accent.”
Jeff Samardzija – 4 2/3 IP, 9 ER. You know how people put a a string of characters together for comic cursing? A’la, What the #[email protected]&%*! is wrong with you? In that vein, Samardzija should be the fantasy baseball version of random characters together for cursing. A’la, What the Samardzija is wrong with you?
Alexei Ramirez – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, 2nd day in a row he’s homered. Hot schmotato alert!
Corey Dickerson – Fractured his ribs and hit the DL. You know the “merely a flesh wound” guy? Dickerson’s been the exact opposite this year. He walks five feet and is incapacitated.
Rafael Betancourt – Sadly (for me), it looks like Tommy Kahnle has the inside job on replacing Axford and Betancourt is remaining a setup man. Kahnle features a 96 MPH speed ball and it doesn’t matter if that’s who Weiss is turning to. Maybe we can position Betancourt behind Weiss and sing the chorus “turn around bright eyes” from the Bonnie Tyler classic, Total Eclipse of the Heart, but I wouldn’t hold my breath unless I was wearing scuba gear.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Owning Moss (didn’t start), Heyward (2-for-3, 16th steal) and Grichuk on one team is a nightmare in CBS leagues that lock lineups at the start of day rather than the start of an individual game. Why does CBS do this? You can’t tell me they don’t have the capability; every single other fantasy site does it, so they can figure it out, right? C’mon, Les Moonves, do something besides another effin’ CSI!
Jaime Garcia – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks. Guess his ERA. Go ahead, I’ll wait. *taps finger, scratches chin, does a salsa dance with my dog, Ted* His ERA is 1.98!
Chris Tillman – Doubtful for today’s start due to a sprained ankle. Sounds like Tillman took a spill, man. High five me! C’mon!
Ubaldo Jimenez – 4 2/3 IP, 6 ER. 3, 2, 1…Disgraceful List stint! Well, maybe not that fast, but it’ll happen any day now, Annie Potts.
Chris Davis – 1-for-2 and his 26th homer. Now with 40 homers since the break. Okay, seven, but math is for nerds.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 29th homer. As most of us know, J.D. stands for Just Dong, and Martinez is Spanish for a shopping mart. So this is probably why I had a dream last night where I was in Guatemala City and went into a Just Dong Mart shopping for my fantasy team, only I was confronted by something entirely else.
Daniel Norris – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks in his first start for the Tigers. I asked J.B. to breakdown Norris in this week’s pitching profile, but we’ll see if he does. I’ll say either way I’m not impressed by Norris. He had way too many walks in the minors and I could see him putting up some disastrous starts.
Anthony Gose – 2-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and two steals (15, 16) as he leadoff and in this game while The King of SAGNOF Rajai Davis (1-for-4, 1 run) hit ninth. With Yoenis gone, both guys have been starting and taking turns leading off. I grabbed Rajai in one league, dropping the Chicken Vacuum, Dyson, but Gose looks to be the lead choice to hit first. Between OK! Magazine and this, there’s no respect for royalty anymore. If you need SAGNOF, I’d grab either, Gose first.
Jose Iglesias – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .318 and now looks to have permanently taken over Yoenis’s spot in the two-hole. Church!
Tommy Milone – Hit the DL with a mild left flexor strain. His right flexor said, “This is so like you!”
Mike Pelfrey – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks. I came thisclose to streaming him yesterday, but I’m not completely daft so didn’t.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-2 and his 23rd homer. No surprise here, but the top 2nd baseman for fantasy on our Player Rater is a tight battle between Dozier and Altuve. By the by, for noobs, if you type 2b into the space below Pos, it sorts by position. (Crazy how high LeMahieu is.)
Hisashi Iwakuma – 8 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks. Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP! Iwakuma’s perifs look a tad off from where they have been in previous years, and it’s just that ‘tad off’ that makes him close to a streamer for shallower leagues, but I’d likely try to hold him to see if yesterday was the start to get him going, i.e., the start that starts him.
Nelson Cruz – 2-for-5 and his 29th homer. Sorry to do this to his owners, but I’m putting the kavorka on him and he will be hurt right after his 32nd homer.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks. I’m kinda gaga-caca-cuckoo for this guy, and if he’s not getting his rope yanked by Showalter and the O’s, he’s worth owning in just about all leagues.
Ben Zobrist – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, after homering twice on Saturday. JB and I talk about Zobrist on the podcast that’s coming later today, as well as all trades that went down in the previous week. Today’s show is crackerjack! Not as in, it’s two crackers who don’t know jack.
Yordano Ventura – 7 IP, 5 ER. I’d prefer to get in the batter’s box right after one of Yordano’s teammates has been hit by a pitch, then own Yordano right now.
Roberto Osuna – 1 1/3 IP, 1 ER and the save. Maybe that’s what Gibbons meant when he said Osuna and Aaron Sanchez would share the 8th and 9th. That Osuna would be brought into an 8th inning that Sanchez is pitching in and take the ball into the ninth. As I said the other day, I’m not too worried about Osuna losing the closer job. And I’m a worrywart…Oh, no, the ceiling is falling! Oh, never mind, I just went on my tippy toes.
Chris Colabello – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Cola’s showing some pop still, but he’s become a platoon player and has lost most of his fizz.
R.A. Dickey – 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.06. This start came against the Royals, but his next start is vs. the Yankees in New York, so the vs. Royals’ Dickey was clean, but him Coming to America is a concern.
Martin Perez – 8 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. Mike Leake 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. That’s the exact inverse of how I’d own them in mixed leagues, Leake before Perez. Also, for what it’s Werth, I tried to edit Leake’s Wikipedia page to read, “Leake is not related to the baseball pioneer, Curt Flood,” but it gave me a notification, “Because of people like you and Carson Cistulli, we can’t really be open source.” Take a chill pill, Wikipedia!
Clayton Kershaw – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. So, what you’re saying is, he’s healthy. Noted.
Mat Latos – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 1 K, but his win was ruined when Jim Johnson (1 IP, 1 ER) gave up a homer to Kole Calhoun (2-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer). Speaking of the Angels (sorta!), a frequent commenter, Teddy Heater, won a DraftKings contest last week and he’s going to be throwing out the first pitch at this upcoming Angels game on Saturday. Seriously. I didn’t believe it either, but it’s fo’reallies. J-FoH and I are going down there to witness someone on the Angels mound, wearing a Razzball t-shirt, throwing out the first pitch. If anyone else lives nearby and wants to join, please do. We’re sitting on the 3rd base side in section 105. I’ll be the one with a mustache and holding out my hand for a free beer from you.
C.J. Wilson – Done for the year after being diagnosed with an elbow impingement. His namesake Curtis Jackson aka 50 Cent suffered a similar injury while ‘making it rain.’
Howie Kendrick – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer. He’s been quietly having a solid season. He’s like Marcel Marceau with a bat!
Andre Ethier – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homers. The words you’re looking for are, “I would’ve been better off drafting Ethier than Puig, eff me.”
Jesse Hahn – Could stay shut down for another month if not longer. That sounds weird, ‘stay shut down.’ Shutted down? Shut downed? Shat down?
Aaron Brooks – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks in his first start with the A’s. Fun fact! Aaron Brooks is the name WASPs use as their John Doe. WASPs, they have their own world! Less fun fact! Brooks isn’t very good.
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.12. That’s my boy and 2.12 was my college GPA! Simpatico!
Jason Kipnis – Could hit the DL with a sore shoulder. I won’t bother saying I told you to sell him six weeks ago, I’ll only say I won’t bother to tell you I said to sell him while telling you I said to sell him. Semantics, perhaps, but you’re the one quibbling. Y’all a bunch of quibblers!
Joakim Soria – Got the clean save after Mark Melancon threw only a partial inning. I saw the box score and was immediately filled with anxiety like DLzebub himself sat on my shoulder, whispering ugly thoughts. Luckily, Melancon was simply ejected from the game because MLB rules dictate a game be played like this is the 1870s and everyone must wear a tie.
A.J. Burnett – Will undergo an MRI on his elbow after being placed on the Disgraceful List. Um, Burnett, if you weren’t just threatening to retire for the last five years to hear yourself talk and actually wanted to retire, now seems to be that time.
Neil Walker – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and third homer in the last ten games. In further good news, if you own Walker and Scooter, you can re-brand your fantasy team, “Old People Gotta Move Too.”
Giancarlo Stanton – Said his recovery has been slower than expected. Don’t blame me, I told you to sell him in redraft leagues and have been secretly applying lotion to all his appendages while he sleeps.
A.J. Ramos – 1 IP, 2 ER, but was the escape goat yesterday as the Marlins rallied on the back of Heckaverycrappia’s homer. Ramos has blown five saves on the year, given up six earned in his last two appearances and the Marlins should be vamos’ing to another closer, except the Marlins don’t strike me as a club that cares. Cishek failed for about six weeks before being removed. It’s worth owning Carter Capps and Mike Dunn, in the order, for potential vulture saves.
Jose Fernandez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.13. He is 99.9% butter with only trace amounts of margarine in his toenails that he trims regularly.
Lucas Duda – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer after homering twice on Saturday. “A rising fireball of fire straight zooming out of Metco, and the fireball is Duda. Fist extended like Mighty Mouse. And I want real orangey fire. Something that will pop.” That’s a Mets fan describing the patch he wants custom made to sew on his denim jacket.
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4 and his 7th homer. Didja know every time Murphy is in the lineup his name is streaked, still wet from Wilmer’s tears?
Curtis Granderson – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 17th homer. I’m having a hard time imagining a playoff team with Grandy as the leadoff man. I’m sure it’s possible, but my imagination is failing me.
Noah Syndergaard – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.66. Love that he’s doing this; very happy for him. When does he need to get shut down again?
Anthony Rendon – 3-for-4 and his 1st homer. I’ve started him every day this year that he’s been in the lineup and benched him once — yesterday. Sonavabench!
Chase Utley – Will begin his rehab assignment. If that involves a DeLorean, it’s a positive.
Julio Teheran – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.59. We often joke here at Razzball about Teheran and the turbulent region of the world where his name calls home, but I’m reminded this weekend not of how junky Teheran has been as a pitcher this year, but of The Iron Sheik and how he improbably outlived Roddy Piper. That was like a horn bet in my death pool.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-4, 1 run and homered (4) on Saturday. The Cubs also announced that Schwarber would stay with the club even after Montero returns. This will hurt A) Coghlan and Montero’s playing time. B) Anyone who has a black heart and can’t appreciate Funzies with Schwarber. C) There is no C.
Kyle Hendricks – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks vs. the Brewers on Saturday and Clayton Richard (6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks) on Sunday. The Brewers punted their last two months of the season like they’re Reggie Roby kicking angel balls in heaven, so I’d stream against the Brewers, and Stream-o-Nator should be able to guide you in that direction.
Kris Bryant – Left Sunday’s game after banging his head and neck on a slide into second. I once banged my head and neck sliding into third a’la Chasing Amy, but sliding into 2nd is a whole new pickle.
Hector Rondon – 1 IP, 1 ER and his 16th save, ERA at 1.88, but since he gave up a run, here comes Motte in their next game! I’m half kidding and half saying this so when Motte does save a game this week, I can say, “See, I told you.”
Hank Conger – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and two homers (7, 8) on Saturday. I maintain, as I’ve always maintained, if he would’ve just got the starting job in Houston in April, he could’ve had a monster year, which is not to say a Monster year, which is what all speedsters have now that greenies are banned and they need to drink 17 energy drinks prior to every game. “Hamilton’s stealing home!…And running right to the bathroom. What a Monster day!”
Carlos Correa – 1-for-3 and two homers on Saturday (11, 12). Fly, Icarlos, fly!
Collin McHugh – 7 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.27. He’s owned just about everywhere, according to the ownership numbers at the Stream-o-Nator, but in shallower leagues, I wouldn’t be afraid of dropping McHugh for a guy with better matchups.
Steven Souza – Hit the DL with a fractured hand. Damn, that’s his Souza playing hand.
Brandon Guyer – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer. He should get everyday playing time with Souza out, unless they go with Mikie Mahtook…*bursts out laughing* Sorry, I tried to say his name with a straight face. Mikie Mahtook?! Sounds like a Navajo pop idol. “Now, ladies and gentlemen, Mikie Mahtook with his latest dance craze, ‘Get Your Slicker, We’re Rain Dancing.'” In the minors, Mikie actually hasn’t been bad…*looking at stats, realizing something* Sorry, I Mahtook him for someone else.
Richard Shaffer – Will be called up by the Rays to be their DH, after hitting 16 homers in 54 games in Triple-A this year. He fills me with Zimmermania! Can Shaffer come over and play the dreidel with me? He’s a former first round pick that was hideous after his signing. This year it looks like he might finally be coming around, but he still strikes out way too much. Think Chris Carter-type Ks. Worth a flyer in deeper leagues to see if he can surprise some pitchers without resorting to hiding a cat in a closet.
Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.86. The Stream-o-Nator says his next start will only get easier. Looking like a bunch of incoming goose eggs Odorizzi with a side of jam’on it!
Henry Owens – Will be called up by the Red Sox on Tuesday. Too bad he didn’t come up on Wednesday for a battle with Severino. Henry Owens sounds like a child star, doesn’t he? Bad segue alert! My friend’s twins were cast as the babies in Fuller House (the Full House update for Netflix). In related news, my friend’s eight month-year-olds are making more money than all of us. Kill me now! Any hoo! Owens is touted as a top Red Sox arm in the minors, but I’m pretty sure he’s being touted more because everything that comes with the Red Sox comes with a heaping of hype. From what I gather, Eduardo Rodriguez has better stuff, and we see how far that’s taken him. I’d gamble on Owens — that stupid poop! — in very deep mixed leagues and AL-Only, but hold off for now in shallower leagues.
Rick Porcello – Hit the Disgraceful List. Turns out he’s not supposed to be a near-6 ERA pitcher. Who knew?!
Pablo Sandoval – Hasn’t started in four straight games due to a bruised forearm. I am so very, very happy to report that I’ve finally dropped this bleb in my one league where I owned him. It’s like this 375-pound wart has been burned off my hand and now I can wipe my ass without encumbrance.