Reds’ manager, David Bell, who is commonly known as Dumb Bell, not because he’s the dumbest motherf*cker to ever manage a baseball team — Phil Nevin is dumber than him — he’s known as Dumb Bell, because he’s the 2nd dumbest MLB manager. (It’s a 29-way tie for 2nd.) Imagine having five top 100 prospects, all under the age of 27, and thinking, “How do I get Kevin Newman into the lineup?” This perplexed Dumb Bell for countless hours. He took a trek to visit a Buddha statue in downtown Cincy (it’s outside Buddha’s Mongolian BBQ) to ask the Buddha what he thought he should do, and the Buddha said, “Look deep within for the knowledge you possess,” so Dumb Bell dropped his pants, bent over backwards in front of a mirror and tried to find that knowledge deep within himself. Sadly, the only knowledge he now possesses is he needs to wipe better. So, Dumb’s got a new piece to play with as Elly De La Cruz (1-for-3, 1 run) was called up. Just gave you an Elly De la Cruz fantasy. Itch’s got him in the top five in his top 25 fantasy baseball prospects. Yes, he’s a pickup in every league. Oh, and “yes” reminds me of something: Where the Helly is CES? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .277. Didn’t believe Just Dong remembered his name anymore, but he’s had about two weeks now that will make him worth his draft pick even if he goes Just Dong-less for two months.
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 11th homer. Member Joey Votto? TikTok influencer who used to play baseball. Freeman would’ve been about eight times Votto’s power if he always called Cincy home. Freeman = Vocho.
Clarke Schmidt – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.96. Put in a bid for Schmidt this past Sunday, due to the Streamonator, but instead I got Luke Weaver. Some guys have all the luck, some guys have Luke Weaver.
Lucas Giolito – 6 IP, 0 hits, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Not saying Giolito isn’t an automatic no-hitter every time out — of course he is! — but the Yanks switched out Judge for Donaldson. *a low cackle that builds into a roar*
Liam Hendriks – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 6.75, and his 1st save. Oh, and he gave up a home run to Donaldson, because I was making fun of him. That’s on me. (It might also show where Hendriks is at too.)
Seby Zavala – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer. Or at least they tell me he hit two homers. It was hard to tell with the Smoke Monster covering the stadium.
Mitch Keller – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.60. We found Keller’s kryptonite: Teams that suck.
Brent Rooker – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Check out who woke up and thought it was the 66th of April.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. The tassels that J. Edgar Hoover once wore on his nipples? I got them at auction! Here, let me show them to you by this open window–NOOOO!!! Torenado!
Jordan Walker – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Thank you, Daddy, may I have another?
Willson Contreras – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. What Grey didn’t know that he was just learning was, Contreras also only had seven hits all season. Woof, hadn’t realized he was hitting .213.
Adolis Garcia – 4-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .273. Okay, we can ignore this game by Garcia, but we have to count it for Walker.
Nathaniel Lowe – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer. About to start calling him Nathaniel Yawnstipating. Somehow it makes sense that he went from Nate to Nathaniel and became a bore.
Jacob deGrom – Headed for Tommy John surgery. *eyes bulging* Wow, shocked. *the bulging eyes begin to slide down the bridge of my nose and you realize the ‘shocked’ eyes were actually painted on sunglasses* Genuinely curious how long he’s needed Tommy John surgery. It has to go back to at least 2021, right? Wonder if Mets trainers’ go-to, whenever anyone calls their name, is whistling while walking slowly backwards out of a room.
Byron Buxton – Hit the IL. Seven to two odds had it happening before May 15th, so whoever took the over did well.
Luke Raley – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .261. Buy column will be out later today on Patreon, and Friday for the rest of youse, Raley’s naturally gonna have to be in it once again.
Jose Siri – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer. Sonavabench in my weekly leagues! Should’ve just left him in there even though he didn’t start on Monday.
Zach Eflin – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.97. When you’rre facing a team whose top three hitters are Polanco, Kirilloff and Correa, yeah, you should do well. By the way, Scott Boras deserves every penny for getting teams to fight over Correa.
Louie Varland – 6 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.40. I look more favorably on starters who get hit when they’re facing matchups where you should’ve benched them. Against the 1927 Rays in Tampa? Forget that shizz.
Thairo Estrada – 3-for-5, 1 RBI as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s Get Him In Your Lineup Department said, “If you want in on my class action, my attorney said I am hundred percent in the right that Sparkletts should not be flat water.”
Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.26. Finally, some regression! And still nearly a Quality Start.
Ozzie Albies – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. May you stay short and keep reaching for the stars.
Pete Alonso – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 22nd homer. Albombso! Alonso’s gonna have 40 homers at the All-Star Break. Yeah, totally normal ball they’re using.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .214. Yikes his average is low, but I still believe, if you can buy low.
Lane Thomas – 2-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (9) and legs (5), hitting .281. Wrote a sleeper post for Thomas last preseason, and I was a year early. Thomas is way higher on the Player Rater than anyone thinks.
Stone Garrett – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and was replaced by Corey Dickerson. I think he was replaced because a righty came in, and, if that’s the case, wow, are you over-managing when you’re pulling a guy who hits a grand slam on a 90-loss team.
Pavin Smith – 2-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, as he hits leadoff. Not 100% on this, but I believe he’s had one great game each week. Never getting hot once.
James Paxton – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.81. I have been a Paxton hater in the past — a Haxter, so to speak — but he’s impressing me. Way too many games to go fully in-depth, but 12.5 K/9 and 3.38 xFIP plays.
Kyle Gibson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.87. Pretty fortunate that I lost Woodruff and Springs in one league and had Gibson to replace. Fortunate might not be the word.
Freddy Peralta – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.55. Looks like vintage FreddyKBB in some ways, but also looks like Blake Snell in other ways. Nine strikeouts is nice, but need to get deeper than five innings.
Shohei Ohtani – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 16th homer. Starting to think I might want to start him as a hitter one of these weeks.
Matt Mervis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs, hitting .183, as he hits ninth. Not saying he deserves to be hitting higher, but Ross has to play Miguel Amaya, a catcher, at DH? Mike Tauchman needs at-bats? Oh, and Morel doesn’t even play. I get he’s slumping, but not playing isn’t going to get him out of that. I’m just trying to understand what Ross is doing with the bottom half of the Cubs’ lineup. Or what he’s not doing — making sense.
Hayden Wesneski – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.72. Watching Wesneski pitch just makes me miss Steele more.
Julio Rodriguez – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .246. If he’s hitting .275 by the break, we might have to make iCal reminders to buy him low when he’s slumping next April.
Joe Musgrove – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.35. Ideally, by the time you Buy Low on a guy, they’re still Buy Low-able.
Teoscar Hernandez – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .246. Not much to write home about so far, but he’s also capable of being a top 20 overall player for three months.
A.J. Puk – Was activated. Really hope Puk goes right back to saving games. Sorry, been reading The Secret.
Jesus Sanchez – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. “Walk on water, but I ain’t no Jesus.” That’s Eminem looking at his fantasy team.
Luis Arraez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .401. Just gonna leave the cryogenically frozen Ted Williams head on the window sill. Don’t want to defrost it in the microwave.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 16th homer. Dude is like clockwork. A clock that measures months. What’s that? A calendar? Year, he’s that.
Mauricio Dubon – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .294. When Altuve went down, I grabbed Dubon in one deeper league, then I looked that he three steals and, at the time, one homer, and I kinda wanted Altuve to return faster.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 2.63. *staring at Gausman and Manoah in my fantasy draft* Meh, doesn’t matter! I can draft either one! Watch as I take Manoah!
Bo Bichette – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer. Yeah, but no steals. Right, Bdon?
Daulton Varsho – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Varsho? Var sho!
Alek Manoah – Sent to rookie-level Florida Complex League. Appropriate because going from top 3 Cy finisher to Rookie Ball is a good way to give a guy a complex.