(NOTE: THIS POST WAS RELEASED EARLY THIS WEEK ON OUR PATREON. IT’S $10/MONTH)
“Please welcome to the stage, De La Cruz, the Spanish-language De La Soul cover band, and their smash hit, “Sábados.” De La Cruz sings, “Sábados es a Sábados, Sábados es a Sábados, Sábados es a Sábados, Sábados es a Sábados…” A kid squints, unsure if he’s in the right place. He asks the kid next to him in Spanglish, “Hola, amigo, I thought es concerto was about Elly De La Cruz?” The kids says back, “Sorry, I only English and Spanish, separately.” So, Elly De La Cruz and Oneil Cruz don’t just share a last name. They look like the zygote split at exactly six foot, five inches. They are the Big John Studd and Hulk Hogan locked-up, forehead-to-forehead, throwing 107 MPH bullets to first and hitting 120 MPH lasers into the bleachers. Elly De La Cruz and Oneil Cruz are both 40/40 threats with contact issues. If Elly De La Cruz is called-up within a few weeks, they’ll likely both be drafted within a round of each other next year. They are the Wonder Twin Powers. Regarding Elly De La Cruz and when he’ll be called up, I figured later this year, but I could be wrong (would be the first time), and I don’t want all of you to miss out. My figuring had a lot to do with Christian Encarnacion-Strand is much older and should be promoted first, then De La Cruz would be called up, but it doesn’t need happen to like that. They’re both ready, and De La Cruz might be younger, but is actually better. De La Cruz could be a top 50 overall player the rest of the way, and absolutely should be stashed. He’s definitely ready for his walkup music: Meany, meany, meany, meany (Decir que?), Meany, meany, meany, meany (Decir que?) Anyway, here’s some more players to Buy or Sell this week in fantasy baseball:
Patrick Bailey – When I realized Phillip Bailey got his start with Earth, Wind and Fire, I took a 45-minute detour through their entire catalog. Also, ironically, their arguably biggest hit, September, starts, “Do you remember…” And I had forgotten I went to Allee Willis’s house once, and she co-wrote that song. RIP to her. What does this have to do with Patrick Bailey? Literally nothing. How many man hours have been wasted with the internet? The internet is mankind’s last big invention, because once it was invented people started wasting time googling, “Who was the first person to call a cooter a beaver and vice versa?” By the way, how did they ever stop googling nonsense to invent Google? Any hoo! Patrick Bailey is filling in for the injured Bart, who really hasn’t been very good. Bailey has been a solid contact and power guy in the minors. Could hit 15 homers and .260, but likely is only good for a week or two.
Matt Thaiss – Any truth that Mos Def calls this guy Phat Thighs? Yes, that is accurate. It’s also accurate that he’s been hitting recently. Side note: Nearly listed Tucupita Marcano this week too, so we’d have wall-to-wall old school rap with the smash hit, I Left My Wallet In Tucupita.
Keibert Ruiz – He’s hotter than, well, to quote him, “*!%^@*@^%” Wait, that’s Q-Bert.
Luke Raley – He stole nine bags in High-A in 123 games. A league where they don’t even try to throw anyone out. Then stole seven bags in just the month of May. Yeah, things are totally normal in MLB with steals.
Spencer Steer – He looks kinda like a 25-homer, .280 hitter. For this year at least. Then he will disappear. The Braves develop a 2014 Julio Teheran every year and the Reds create a 2017 Scott Schebler.
Ryan Noda – Noda sounds like what someone calls their grandmother, right? Meh, maybe it’s me. Either way, Noda’s been hitting, and has the best hard candies.
Rougned Odor – Has been one of the top producers on the 7-day Player Rater. The problem with Odor is, boy, does he stink! The other problem is because he usually stinks, it’s hard to trust him enough to pick him up. Even when hot. So, then you want to pick him up, but can’t and regret it. A hot Odor stinks even worse.
Zach McKinstry – He’s on pace for a 15/40 season, and is barely being talked about. That’s how batshizz crazy steals are this year. If you’re not stealing 60 bags by July, are you even trying? On today’s episode of Runnin’ & Stealin’, we have Zach McKinstry. “Hey, Zach…” “Thanks for having me!” “Right…so…uh…Aren’t you a Quad-A player?” In all seriousness, when was the last time the Tigers had something good happen to their team out of nowhere? I guess the other Tigers player in this post, Akil Baddoo’s 2021 season. Some teams have interesting players each week; the Tigers have had one every 24 months. Excuse me if I don’t trust McKinstry completely, but his peripherals point towards a 7-10 homer, 25-steal season, and he won’t face lefties. Not 15/40, but not unusable.
Bryson Stott – Have begun to move away from ESPN ownership numbers. We have R% for roster percentage on all of our tools: See Player Rater. I bring this up, because I included Stott here because ESPN says he’s available in shallower leagues, but I don’t believe it. He’s at 40% at ESPN, and eligible for this post, but way over 50% everywhere else, including 96% here, and not eligible.
J.P. Crawford – He will be terrible 21 weeks a year and good three weeks a year. We’re in one of those good weeks. When J.P. is rocking, the knocks come knocking.
Chas McCormick – Is he as good as Chas McMonosodiumGlutamate? No, he’s not, but he’s been hot.
Bryan De La Cruz – You grabbed Elly without Bryan? Listen, you have to have the De La Cruz pair! Plugs One and Two for your fantasy lineup.
Mickey Moniak – Feel like by the time Moniak is picked up he won’t be worth picking up anymore — his strikeouts are still egregious and his walk rate leaves a tad bit to be desired. Quite a hard sell on this buy!
Marcell Ozuna – Since I was just looking Suwinski’s stats, I realized how much his stats look like Ozuna’s, except Suwinski actually steals a few bags.
Akil Baddoo – Yabba dabba Baddoo!
Isiah Kiner-Falefa – Chicks dig the long ball, but chickpeas dig the Israeli Diner Falafel.
Tylor Megill – This is also a Streamonator call. “I don’t think we should remove all streetlights for roundabouts. I’ve spoken with some of those streetlights and they’re terrific, if you get to know them.”
Ben Joyce – Not sure how many people saw him pitch, but it’s one of the best I’ve seen this year from a young reliever. In case you skipped the name this blurb is about, this is re: Joyce!
Miguel Castro – Like Fidel in jorts, this bullpen is likely Chafin/Castro.
Kendall Graveman – Liam Hendriks deserves all the kudos for his off-the-field battle — every Kudos candy bar in the world plopped right at his feet — but, rightly he doesn’t seem like he’s being thrust back in the 9th inning. So from “The news is grave, man, about the closer” to Graveman is the closer, for now at least.
Jason Adam – Kevin Cash never should be trusted to go with one guy as the closer, and you should never trust a guy with two first names. Of course, two negatives make a positive, so clearly Jason Adam is the closer.
Anthony Rizzo – Every May into June it goes like this, “Wow, Anthony Rizzo is having his best year ever, and he’s had some great ones!” Which in July/August invariably becomes, “Hey, whatever happened to Anthony Rizzo? Is he still playing?” From Rizzo to Donezo, the Story of Anthony Rizzo as the Season Progresses. “Rizzo can’t Progresso” isn’t just about how a nice Italian boy prefers his momma’s Minestrone rather than the canned variety. His back issues invariably catch up to him, and right now his BABIP is showing a guy who is getting lucky while striking out way more than every year, except his rookie year back in 2011. I wouldn’t trade Anthony Rizzo for a Chewbacca costume made of human hair, but I would go to our Fantasy Baseball Trade Analyzer and explore options.