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“Worse thing that God ever spit up.”
“What? No, I’m looking at what Jake McCarthy did so far this year in the majors.”
“So, you think Hitler was better than Jake McCarthy–”
“Shut up about Hitler!”

Jake McCarthy recalled in that above exchange and to the majors. I’d say he was hideous to start the year, but I’m afraid of a defamation suit being filed by the word “hideous.” “Ya know, I’ve had about enough of your disparaging.” That’s the word hideous. There was a reason why Jake McCarthy was on a bunch of my teams to start the year. It is illuminated by his four homers and four steals in only 22 games since he was sent down. He has great speed and power. I know you drank away most of what he did from your memory. This post: A splash of knowledge refreshing your Mind Eraser. Jake McCarthy can absolutely be worth rostering in every league. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Austin Riley – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th and 9th homer. Welp, we got the time on a short schedule day, so, “What’s going on with Austin Riley?” He’s not hitting the ball into the air enough. It’s pretty obvious, tee be aitch. His fly balls were down, getting a bit pull heavy, prolly not getting into fastballs well enough to get more sliders, which he loves more than Vogelbach. I don’t see any issue to worry about, and the Buy Low window might now be shut. He could have 14 homers by this time next week and his entire season looks right back on track for what you expected. Unless your expectations were obscene. Get your expectations out of the gutter!

Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in as many games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but guess what? Chicken butt? No, he’s here now.

Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.59. Is Nola the best terrible pitcher or not? Not or yacht? Not or yacht?! I’m thinking yacht, but maybe it’s not. Speaking of yacht, can I ship him off for an actual ace? Yacht or not? “Next up on Yacht or Not: Toto’s Rosanna!” *guy in Hawaiian shirt buzzes in* “Yacht!” “Yacht is coh-rect!”

Dylan Dodd – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 6.64, as he was recalled with Tonkin hitting the IL. Since Dodd’s on the Braves, he will be as good as 2021 Ian Anderson or as bad as every other year Ian Anderson. Last night, he looked like “every other year Ian Anderson.”

Alec Bohm – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. Bohm goes the dynamite!

Bryce Harper – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Can’t see Bryce and not think about this:

Kyle Hendricks – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER as he was activated. He likely should’ve retired three years ago, but he’s out there fighting for all us who question whether we still got it. So, here’s your reminder, we absolutely do not have it still.

Dansby Swanson – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Feels like he’s hit home run number five about five times. Who’s keeping score here? Something’s wrong.

Pete Alonso – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (19) and legs (1). Albombso!

Carlos Carrasco – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.75. Feelings for Carrasco equal and/or on par with feelings for Berrios. Might be good, but you’re gonna have to really twist my arm to get me on board with them again. ACKSUALLY think Berrios might even be slightly ahead of Carrasco for now, i.e., I need to see more from Carrasco.

Alek Manoah – 3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.53. Like I said for Nestor Cortes yesterday, at a certain point in the season, you have to think to yourself, do you want this guy bringing you down all year or do you want to try and start pitchers who are good vs. who should be good? Manoah is built like an anchor, but there’s no reason why you need to keep letting him bring you down.

Zach Eflin – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 0 Ks, ERA at 3.17. Eflin? More like Ef K’ing. Got ’em! Raise your hand and high five me! No? Okay. Eflin was inducing a lot of ground balls yesterday, but was getting Ks previously, so I don’t think it’s anything but a random occurrence of weird or the Rays’ cheat team decided that was the best game plan for yesterday.

Luke Raley – 0-for-2, 2 runs and two steals (5, 6). Also, in this game, Taylor Walls (0-for-3, 1 run) stole two bags (10, 11) and Wander Franco (1-for-2, 2 runs) stole two bags (16, 17), and The Rice Bowl stole one (6). Rays are going to be the first team with nine guys go 20/20. Like a bunch of Hugh Downs and Barbara Walters.

Julio Teheran – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, as he started for the first time since 2021. So, Teheran returns, it’s just too bad I’m not talking about the international spy thriller on Apple TV. Kinda surprised the Rays or Braves didn’t sign Teheran. Two very weird organizations who seemingly need all kinds of starting pitching yet they just keep winning.

Michael Conforto – 4-for-4 and a slam (11) and legs (2), and his 3rd homer in four games. It’s so funny to me that some people claim there’s no such thing as a hot hitter. Sure, brah, Conforto is always a 5-homer per week, .450 hitter.

Kyle Gibson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.82. Seeing that Kyle Gibson would’ve been a better draft pick than Alek Manoah, then standing in front of dartboard, and asking someone to try to make a bull’s eye.

Clarke Schmidt – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.58. This month he’s got four of five decent (not Quality, pe se) starts, and the next one is vs. the Mariners, which is usually safe.

Seth Brown – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. How about that fantasy sleeper, Seth Brown?! Okay, but he was injured, so maybe he’s still coming around. Him and that fantasy sleeper Jake McCarthy! (Oy vey.)

Ty France – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 4th and 5th homer, and third homer in two games. Ty with the double French fly! Clearly, he’s heating up if he were dropped in your league.

Logan Gilbert – 8 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.60. He’s been spectacular, when looking at his peripherals. Lo-Gi an ace.

JP Sears – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 1 K, ERA at 4.70. Streamonator is actually positive for Sears in his next start, something I didn’t think I’d ever see, so maybe a streaming opportunity.

Elias Diaz – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, as he bats third, and is even DH’ing. He’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column. If a hot catcher doesn’t get you running back on a holiday weekend, I don’t know what will.

Pierce Johnson – 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.53. It’s fair to wonder, why is Pierce Johnson the closer? As a philosopher once said, “Trying to figure out Bud Black, there madness lies.” Daniel Bard (2 IP, 0 ER) has a 0.69 ERA. Or even Brent Suter (1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 0.87), who has been off the charts good, could close. For each week’s Buy column, which is coming later today, I try to give you a great middle reliever, and I nearly named Suter that the last three weeks, but the Coors thing has scared me. Know who it hasn’t scared? Suter.

Brenton Doyle – Finally hit leadoff and then, after colliding with the fence, was carted off the field. Then, insult to injury, the Rockies walked it off. Rockies said it’s just a contusion, and Doyle is day-to-day.

Nolan Jones – Being recalled by the Rockies. Possibly to fill-in for Doyle, and it’s unclear how long that will be for. It’s so batshizz crazy that Jones was in the minors anyway. He has 12 homers, 5 steals and is hitting .356 in only 39 Triple-A games and he’s 25! What are they waiting for, him to reach retirement age? Wait, it gets funnier. He was called up once this year already, and didn’t see a pitch! Now? Oh, he is absolutely never playing! Will not happen! Bud Black needs to get Charlie Blackmon at-bats. There is way too much riding on the one-year deal with Profar! They gotta make sure Profar can get another deal next year with another team. Sorry, Nolan Jones, maybe come back when you’re 32 and have done poorly in a few other cities.

Jorge Soler – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .261, and his 4th homer in five games. Jorge Soler is the greatest Christopher Morel since Barry Bonds invented Christopher Morel’ing.

Garrett Cooper – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer of the Coors-stand. (Keg stand?) Benched Moniak to start Cooper from Monday-Thursday, and it paid off. *blows on knuckles, wipes knuckles on shirt, sees ketchup that was on knuckles is now on shirt* Damn!

Miles Mikolas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.23 vs. Luke Weaver – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.45. Ah, yes, the ol’ pitchers’ duel of Luke Weaver and Miles Mikolas in Great American Smallpark. *shakes fist* Baseball, damn you for being so goofy! Streamonator was positive on Mikolas in Cincy yesterday, which makes me think that robot got some tricks up its tin sleeve. It also loves Mikolas in the next start. It rightfully hates Weaver everywhere.

Hunter Harvey – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.86, and the blown save. Appreciate that they’re trying to get Harvey saves vs. Finnegan, but someone get Harvey on the same page.

Manny Machado – Unlikely to be ready to return on Friday. You do not have to hand it to him.

Trent Grisham – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (1). Thought about how Trent Grisham was good that one year and I had to open his stat page to make sure I wasn’t misremembering from a fever dream, and I. Dot dot dot. Think it was a fever dream. He was good in 2020, but that’s a goofy year. He really wasn’t good in any real year.

Rougned Odor – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games. Won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but could be a hot schmotato.

Blake Snell – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 5.04. He didn’t do it yesterday, but we should start calling “4 2/3 IP with the lead, but getting lifted for a reliever” a Snell.

Alex Faedo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zerowalks, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.15, but, in four starts, he’s allowed only one walk, and has recorded 22 strikeouts in 21 2/3 IP. Last night, had the slider working in a big way, and the change to a lesser extent. Usually I’d see his name, scramble it and think, “O, fade,” but his peripherals look gorgeous. It might be because his arm slot is back to where it was when he was first drafted, and touted. I’m intrigued, y’all! Can’t see going in yet in 12 team mixed or shallower, but definitely in everything deeper, and monocled in 12 teamers. Though, it might be a team by team call.

Akil Baddoo – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Yabba dabba Baddoo!

Lucas Giolito – 3 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, 7 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.98. “Giolito’s back!” exclaimed the Devil as he tempted everyone to get back in on him just to get Giolito to explode on everyone’s fantasy team. “Are we sure?” questioned the angel on the other shoulder who was mostly ignored.

Gavin Sheets – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer. Boy is that drunk. Ya know, seven Sheets to the wind.

Sam Bachman – Called up by the Angels. Good news, Bachman was the 9th overall pick in the 2021 draft. Bad news, it was a terrible selection.