Yesterday, Chandler Simpson went 1-for-3 with his 1st steal as he was called up on Friday. I know OJ, I know Jessica, I do not know Chandler. [sees he stole 104 bags in the minors last year] I now know Chandler. Where his steals total is, it should just say, “Holy schnikes.” Or if that’s too long, just put, “NUTS.” Or maybe, “WUT,” or how about, “OK, I’M HORNED UP.” I know what you’re thinking, “That’s too big to fit, Grey!” That’s what she never said! I have a feeling we have to make the steals columns wider where Chandler Simpson is concerned. He might be the first person to steal 1,000 bags in a season. Said like The Jerk, “I just want this chair, this lamp, Chandler Simpson and Bubba Chandler. And this dog.” Simpson also makes a lot of contact and hit leadoff on Saturday. Could he be special? Give him 300 at-bats and he might steal 50 bags and hit .270. Am I concerned Kevin Cash will do a “Dur, I’m a big dummy,” and platoon him, making him hard to roster in weekly leagues? Indeed, but grab him just in case the at-bats are there. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Shane Baz – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.22. One bad start, breathe. Rays starters couldn’t get Trent Grisham out, unfortunately. Don’t try to understand it.
Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.82. He’s pitching about as well as last year when he had a 3.60 ERA, but he has a homer-allowed problem and that’s Big Trouble in Big Stein.
Devin Williams – 1 IP, 4 ER on Saturday, ERA at 9.00. I’ve been holding Weaver everywhere for weeks. Devin has moments where I think he’s fine, but then, kablooey, and I wouldn’t want to onomatobe-ya if you roster Devin.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (3). But no wings!
Trent Grisham – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, as he hit leadoff in front of Judge. I have an experiment I’d like to do. Let me hit in front of Judge to see if I can homer.
Max Fried – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, 2 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.42, as he carried a no-hitter into the 8th. What will finally one day derail Fried? Me liking him.
MJ Melendez – Sent to the minors. Let’s see if MJ returns for the NBA Finals.
Michael Wacha – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.15 vs. Tarik Skubal – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.83. This matchup was billed as, “One guy was drafted in the top 15 overall and one guy around the top 225, can you tell which from their Sunday lines?”
Casey Mize – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.22. As Tyra would say, Mize makes me smize. Streamonator hates him, and I can see why. His peripherals are an emoji that ate four-day-old sushi and is feeling a little queasy. Call him Queasy Mize.
MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 13 Ks, ERA at 3.41. What an incredibly unfortunate, and painful sonavabench!
Jake Irvin – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.68. Somehow I started Irvin in the same league where I benched Gore, and I wish I could travel back in time and ask Last Monday Grey what on earth he was thinking. Could I have hit my head on Tuesday and knocked some sense into me?
Ezequiel Tovar – Hit the IL with hip inflammation, which could linger all year. If not for the White Sux, the Suckies would easily be the worst team. This gives a boost to Amador and [looking at their depth chart and not the most desirable jobs of the 1860] Farmer.
Chase Dollander – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 7.36. See, that’s what I was worried about. You can’t have a starter who you can’t start at home. It doesn’t work, because then they go to, like, Dodger Stadium or Petco and you don’t want to start them there either.
Zac Veen – 1-for-6 and a slam (1) and legs (1). “Hey, I’m out of firewood, but I have this arm–Hold up! He moved! Veen is alive!”
Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Two years ago, Luzardo was drafted as a top 20 starter. Last year was such an abomination that he was barely drafted a #5 this year. Well, if you got him, you got lucky, because he’s back on that 2023 shizz.
Agustin Ramirez – Being called up by Miami, even if his name sounds like another Florida city. No, not St. Ramirez. This guy looks special with the bat (legs), as far as catchers go. Though, Adley looked special and is hitting, like, .210. In Triple-A, Ramirez had 3/5/.258 in only 66 ABs. Five steals for a catcher in 18 games makes him pickuppable (totally a word!) in all leagues. He looks legit like prime Realmuto. Call him Reallymuto.
Javier Sanoja – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. Fun fact! Sanoja was a controversial American Idol contestant.
Garrett Crochet – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.13. Prolly my biggest regret is not having Crochet in any league. Quite the yarn I’m spinning, huh?
Wilyer Abreu – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Hey, look who it is, the 1st week of the season schmotato! Hey, 1st week of the season schmotato, say hello to your mother for me!
Paul Skenes – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 34 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Feel like I’m the only talking about how down his strikeouts are this year. Am I?
Steven Kwan – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .325. The homer was off Mitch Keller (5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.18). Keller/Kwan also sounds famous for his hour-long matches with Dusty Rhodes.
Kyle Manzardo – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .212. Ya know what’s weird? Those earrings that stretch people’s ear holes. I just shuddered thinking about them. What’s also weird is Manzardo seemed like a low-power, high average 1B, and he’s been exactly the opposite.
Emmanuel Clase – 1 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 7.84. I am howling in schadenfreude at how awful Clase is. Yo, is he Carlos Marmol in disguise?
Logan Allen – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.11. His peripherals are so bad I’m not sure I’d start him even if the Streamonator liked him.
David Bednar – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 13.50, as he was recalled. He looked great in the minors. Newfound even! Like a guy from Newfoundland with a big slobbering Newfoundland. Santana hasn’t looked irreplaceable and I’d imagine they want Bednar to close, so don’t be surprised if that happens sooner in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.
Luis Severino – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 1 K, ERA at 3.31. And never draft starters within the top 100 ever again. Don’t do it. I’m not warning you. I’m subliminal messaging you into being smart.
Chad Patrick – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.11, and I’m over here sitting on a Grayson Rodriguez that I drafted in the top 75 for some godforsaken reason.
Logan Henderson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.50. As I said the other day, “His 40.7 K% was 3rd in Triple-A and everything is Whiff City — 94 MPH fastball with a 34.6 Whiff% and 82 MPH change with a 46.4 Whiff% — and a 88 MPH cutter and 83 MPH slider that keep people honest. I’ve been stashing him since Day 1 in one NL-Only league. I am a fan. In mixed leagues? Monocle’ing, clearly.” And that’s me quoting me! In 15-teamers, I could see grabbing him, but Tobias Myers is due back any moment.
Rhys Hoskins – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a slam (3) and legs (1), 3rd homer this week. Hot schmotato, but what I really want to mention with the Brewers/A’s game is Hoskins’s steal was one of 10. Was the opposing catcher Langeliers trying to hit a cut-off man, the pitcher?
Grant Holmes – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.22. He entered to a remix that Limp Bizkit calls “Touki.” The Shroud of Touki can do wonders, but it’s gonna have to since Holmes has a 5.6 BB/9.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .305. Legit thought he was having an awful year, then I saw how he’s hitting vs. Gunnar.
Drake Baldwin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, 2nd homer in three games that he’s played. Elias Sports Bureau said, “The Braves’ catcher slot has accounted for 98% of their home runs, we think. Someone spilled coffee on our hard drive.”
Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs, and his 3rd homer, hitting .233. His Statcast looks solid. Though, hitting under .200 on breaking pitches is a bit concerning. I’m less worried today than I was two weeks ago, but still not all the back to preseason level of trust.
Chris Sale – 4 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 6.17. Every top 100 starter sucks.
Byron Buxton – 2-for-5 and his 4th homer, as he hit 2nd. Luke Keaschall (1-for-3) hit 7th as Ty France (0-for-3) hit third. France has been hot (for Jerry Lewis), but managers are very dumb. France’s track record of being meh is as long as French military losses.
Landen Roupp – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Yes, I purposely put Roupp after Sale to highlight who you could’ve had for free in every draft. Chris wasn’t no Sale, you get me?
Justin Verlander – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.47vs. Yusei Kikuchi – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.38. This was a matchup was billed as, “Two guys I like less than I likely should, but there’s 50 other pitchers to choose from, so who cares?”
Zach Neto – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Neato!
Dylan Moore – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer. In March, “Why are you drafting Dylan Moore?” In April, “Are you a witch?”
Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 3rd homer in three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, and 4th homer in the last week. I’ve become an ass man.
Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 5.60. Okay, I don’t know if he’s hurt or what, but I wouldn’t start him in any league until I saw a good start, even if the Streamonator likes his next.
A.J. Puk – Hit the IL with elbow inflammation. A period J period is done periodt. IL him and hope for the best. Bullpen chart is updated immediately upon news, by the by. Seems clearly Ju-Ma’s job until we see something different, which we might.
Tirso Ornelas – Recalled by the Padres. In AAA last year, he went 23/7/.297 with a 16.1 K% and 9.7 BB% and more conjunctions in his name than anyone in history. Gonna call him Conjunction Junctiornelas. CJ is likely a platoon player and only 15-team mixed and deeper at this point, but he does have speed and power.
Luis Arraez – Left the game after colliding with Mauricio Dubon at first base, who gave him the shoulder on his 152-pound body and Arraez, well, let’s just say I don’t think he was a two-sport athlete who lettered in football. Seems like he’ll be out a good week on the 7-day IL for a concussion.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in two games. Fun the Jewels trying to prove my sell incorrect, and maybe it will be, but he’s had one semi-full season in five years.
Framber Valdez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.50. Guy should be a city planner he deals with so much traffic on the basepaths. Literally all my worst starters were taken in the top 100.
Hayden Wesneski – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.91. He’s still got my wholeski heart.
Hunter Greene – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.35. Regression Fairies love Hilary Duff, they can’t help themselves with fro-yo, and they will destroy your ratios.
Elly De La Cruz – 1-for-4 and a slam (5) and legs (7). Inner monologue, “Just appreciate his slam and legs and don’t look at how Austin Hays went 4-for-6, 4 runs, 1 RBI, as the Reds scored 24.”
Noelvi Marte – 5-for-7, 3 runs, 7 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he homered off Jorge Mateo, a better prospblock than pitcher.
Austin Wynns – 6-for-7, 2 runs, 6 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and the homer was off Gary Sanchez, i.e., Wynns’s homer was a Mirage.
Adley Rutschman – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .208. Great thing about fantasy is a team like the Orioles can lose by 20-something and there could still be something for people who have Orioles. Though, I don’t roster Adley and Gunnar refuses to get hot, so it’s not so great.
Mark Vientos – Day-to-day with groin discomfort. That’s nothing Mrs. Met can’t help with. Ayo!
Kodai Senga – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.79. Guy’s making Saberhagenmetricians point like Leo in Once Upon A Time In Hollywood.
Clay Holmes – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.16. He’s striking out guys at a much higher rate than when he was a reliever. Put him in the Bat Cave with prunes and no toilet because that is batshizz. Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, but I’d start him.
Francisco Lindor – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 3rd homer. To Was Not Was’s Walk the Dinosaur, Open the door, get on the floor, everybody love Francisco Lindor…
Matthew Liberatore – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Last week I picked him up so I would have incentive to monocle, and this week I’m saying his 8.6 K/9, 0.7 BB/9 should be on a team in all but the shallowest of leagues.
Tyler Mahle – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.68. That’s a 69 if someone has one nostril clogged from a cold. Mahle has 25 Ks in 26 2/3 IP and a 0.82 WHIP. A Ranger pitcher is excellent, as you thought in March, it is not deGrom. Do Mahle’s peripherals back this up? Ha, not even close. He looks like barely a Streamonator call, but when good be grooving, ride the wave.
Wyatt Langford – 1-for-3 and his 3rd steal, as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said to his co-workers at the elevator bank, “I ate seventeen hard-boiled eggs at Easter brunch, so it’s better if I take the stairs.”
Blake Treinen – Hit the IL with forearm pain. Said it felt like they trying to cram a “fivearm” in there.
Roki Sasaki – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.20. The hilarious thing is we’re going to be sipping Championship beer out of a trophy in September, and not even remember we had issues with Roki back in early April.
Tyler Glasnow – 4 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.71, and left with leg cramps, i.e., he’s got a Joey Meneses leg.
Shohei Ohtani – 0-for-3 as he returned from the paternity list. Ohtani’s dog Decoy is gonna be walking around on its hind legs like it’s Santa’s Little Helper. Shohei and his wife named the kid, Parlay, which is curious.
