The 2nd game in a row Dinelson Lamet has taken a no-hitter into the 6th inning and, this time, it went into the 7th, ending up 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 11 Ks, ERA at 1.61. I’m about to start moaning out his name like a pizza deliveryman in a porn. “I didn’t ask for sausage.” “And I didn’t ask for my salad to be hand-tossed, but here we are.” There’s no whacks on Dinelson as he keeps the whacks off. Now paint the fence! *Dinelson starts painting Mejia’s glove* No, the fence, not ‘fense. Forget it, you’re beautiful. There’s nothing to gleam from 22 1/3 IP, other than to say he’s regularly hitting 97 MPH, and, while he only has two pitches, they’re good and there’s no reason to think he can’t keep something resembling this for 40 more innings. With a drooling sly grin, “Did someone order a Meat Lover’s?” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs and 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and five homers in the last four games, hitting .333. BUT YOU DIDN’T WANT TO DRAFT HIM AS HIGH AS I RANKED HIM! FTJ! Fun the Jewels! Damn, I’m so pumped up. Let’s go!

Wil Myers – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. …and the winner is…*opens envelope*…Wil Myers! This is Wil Myers’ first Oscar, taking home the trophy by simply editing together his 2020 highlights.

Manny Machado – 2-for-4 and two homers (3, 4), hitting .213. I’ll give you anything you want, hundred dollar bills…Just Manny me, Manny me, Manny me!

Madison Bumgarner – 2 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 9.35. Pour a little out for this Bum and get his batting practice fastball a good social program to help it get back on its feet.

Kole Calhoun – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. He was in Friday’s Buy as a hot schmotato, and today I say a schmotato is delicious with ginger.

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.04. Brandon Bielak who?! He’s the 5th starter for the Astros, after Josh James was bumped. Random Italicized Voice, I know, it’s a figure of speech. Oh, yeah, people all around the country go around saying Brandon Bielak who?!

Cristian Javier – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.02. Hey, I’m just gonna leave my Sprite here on the counter in this Afghani cave/bar, while I go to the bathroom. Could you keep an eye on it for me, thanks… *four hours later* …Wow, I must’ve fell asleep–Is that my torso being used as curtains? AHHHH!!! Roofie!

Yuli Gurriel – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Galaxy brain: Without knowing what pitch is coming, Gurriel is actually the best Astros hitter.

Frankie Montas – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.57. Frankie Montas about to win the Cy Young like en bee dee and say pee ee deez nutz.

Jesus Luzardo – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.60. Just had a thought, anyone want to bet that ESPN will rank Bumgarner above Luzardo next year?

Matt Olson – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .164. All he does is hit homers! Seriously, I wouldn’t mind a few multi-hit games so all my fantasy teams aren’t batting a collective .185.

Matt Chapman – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .246. Fun fact! When he naps, he calls his bed a Matt rest.

Ramon Laureano – Ejected after charging the Astros’ dugout. Sigh. I love him for it, but my fantasy teams are not going to when he’s suspended for at least a week. So bittersweet. Bitter…then sweet…Sweet then bitter. My suggestion to the league office is before each game, someone from the Astros fights a kangaroo. Everyone lets off some steam, then they play ball.

Zach Plesac – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.29, and sent into 72-hour quarantine because he went to get rowdy-bawdy on Saturday night to party with his friends. Ugh, please, Zach Plesac, be a good boy! This sucks, and I don’t know if he’s going to make his next scheduled start vs. the Tigers. I feel for him too. When I was his age, I would go out to celebrate getting an incomplete on a Pass/Fail test.

Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.63. Don’t you dare go out and celebrate this start!

James McCann – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .360. Here I was worried Grandal would take all catcher at-bats. McCann was so cheap in drafts I could’ve had him anywhere instead I McCann’t.

Gerrit Cole – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.22. It gives me such schadenfreude joy when a top five starter doesn’t do well, I am absolutely gleeful. Comment Guy, “Yeah, but Cole still got Ks.” Yeah, I got Ks, a win and a great three starts from Plesac off of waivers!

Giancarlo Stanton – To the IL with some shizz. They said he’d stay healthy in only 60 games, they said. Giancarlo Stanton reminds me when they said Saturns were dent proof, then you kicked it and the door fell off. Screw Giancarlo and screw Saturns — you both lied to me!

James Paxton – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 7.84. K-Pax returns, luckily not with Kevin Spacey. I have little faith in him for his next start vs. the Red Sox, and they only have Mitch Moreland.

Tyler Glasnow – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.56. Most reasonable people look at this line, and think Glasnow is overrated because when he’s pitching well, his pitches are pretty to look at. Most fantasy baseballers:  Should I buy him low?

Charlie Morton – Left the game with shoulder inflammation, and he says he’ll be fine. Oh…*walks to Canadian border, gets turned away, walks to Mexico border, gets turned away, walks home*…kay. If your league is shallow enough, you need to look elsewhere. Morton’s been wonky all season, and now shoulder inflammation bodes bad, and not bad as in good.

Brandon Lowe – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .275. Get Lowe, get Lowe, get Lowe, to the window, to the wall.

Jake Odorizzi – 3 IP, 2 ER, as he was activated from the IL, as he went 71 pitches. Not sure how many starts he’s gonna need to be all systems go, but right now Odorizzi is scrambled.

Hunter Dozier – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “The lobby elevator is only five-by-five, so to stay six feet apart, I removed the ceiling tiles. I didn’t realize this would be a problem.”

Maikel Franco – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .258. I’ve owned him in one 12 team mixed league since last week, and have been saying he’s hot a couple dozen times (maybe three times).

Rafael Montero – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save on Saturday. As you prolly heard, Montero is now the Rangers’ closer. Will that last? Do dyslexic cows say soom?

Andrew Heaney – 3 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.26. Welp, he’s prolly injured. That was fun while it lasted.

Tommy La Stella – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .268. Aw sookie, here comes Tommy Launch Angle Stella!

Clayton Kershaw – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.60. If he’s watching film tape titled, “Felix Hernandez: How to Become A Hall of Famer” from eight years ago, he should stop.

Max Muncy – 1-for-3, hitting .177. Revealed he has a fractured finger. He also has same number of homers as Yelich and Alonso combined, so fracture all his fingers.

Walker Buehler – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.40. I get it; not much time to get loose this year, but is it me or is Buehler going on two years of not being able to throw six innings? Hello? Buehler?

Mookie Betts – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer this weekend as he returned to the lineup. Mookie Best!

A.J. Pollock – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .311. He needs to be canceled. .311 is racist. Disgusting.

Jeff Samardzija – Hit the IL with shoulder impingement. Andrew Suarez was recalled. That recalling went like this, “Do we have anyone as bad as Samardzija?” “Hmm…I recall someone.”

Kevin Gausman – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.05. I put my giant kumquats on the line by starting Gausman in LA, and Tyler Rogers comes in for relief and gives the game away. Thanks for ruining my childhood, Mr. Rogers!

David Peterson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.78. This was a Streamonator call from Friday’s Buy, and his next start makes a man D. Peterson look totally chic, after his previous run as a total geek.

Michael Wacha – Hit the IL with shoulder inflammation. Stroman isn’t ready to return, so the Mets will turn to *spins bottle* Mr. Met! Good luck out there, fella!

Andres Gimenez – 3-for-4, 3 runs and his 3rd steal, hitting .333. And-Gim, And-Gim number 9 hitter! On the New York Metropolitans’ line! If my team goes off track, pick him up, pick him up, pick him up! He was in Friday’s Buy too.

Jacob deGrom – 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.45. He also complained of a blister after the game, which is just great. He was one of the season’s first Sells, but really how can you ever find his production elsewhere? By the way, his opponent, Pablo Lopez, went 5 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.80.

Eddy Alvarez – 3-for-4, and his 1st steal. “This improbable Marlins’ run is coming to a close in the 7th game of the World Series. They’re down big in the 9th and, as if we haven’t seen enough in 2020, it is now snowing in Miami, and there’s no traction for runners–bah gawd, it’s Olympic speed skater, Eddy Alvarez!”

Jesus Aguilar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .306. Looking like the Marlins’ player to own for power, at least. Jon Berti’s got steals on lock, and Monte Harrison has ‘terrible looking at-bats’ down pat.

Bo Bichette – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .289. “That’s my boy!” Dante Bichette and Larry Walker simultaneously yelled that out, which led to some awkward looks.

Cavan Biggio – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .192 and leading off. Pretty bizarre he’s leading off, but, then again, Travis Shaw was hitting third yesterday, so eye roll.

Matt Shoemaker – 6 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.86. Solid bounce back start by The Cobbler in Fenway. He goes home for his next start, which is in Buffalo, the home of wild wings, and weird Vincent Gallo movies.

Mitch Moreland – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .323. Hopes to join Ted Williams and Jimmie Foxx as a Red Sox single season home run leader. If Moreland can get to 15, he has a chance.

Nathan Eovaldi – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.09. This was his third career 10-strikeout game, tying him with roughly 160,000 other pitchers.

Huascar Ynoa – 2 1/3 IP, 1 ER as he made his 1st major league start. Ynoa? No, Ydoyouask? Huascar Ynoa sounds like he’s Michael Jackson’s favorite pitcher since Shawn Chacon. Any hoo! He’s a bullpen arm, who the Braves went to rather than all the Braves rotation arms you want them to go to.

Ronald Acuña Jr. – 5-for-8, 5 RBIs and his 2nd, 3rd and 4th homer across two games. Tildaddy says you can have dessert!

Spencer Howard – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, in his 1st major league start. *long exhale* He looked better than advertised or the line. Pumping 97 MPH then dropping in 79 MPH changes. If he stays healthy, which is a slightly bigger ‘if’ than I’d like, he will be an ace. This year? Well, he’s a rookie, so will be hit or miss as he was yesterday, but the stuff looked on point.

Justus Sheffield – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.27. Streamonator loved this start as much as he’s wagging his finger like a bat at Sheffield’s next.

Dylan Moore – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .293. I see his name in the box score as D. Moore, think of Dinty Moore, and start farting, is that normal?

Austin Voth – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.80. I streamed him in my RCL (12-team mixed), and *pulls imaginary gun out of imaginary holster and blows on tip, puts gun back in holster, accidentally pushes down pants* Streamonator doesn’t like Voth’s next, and I likely wouldn’t mess with him.

Stephen Strasburg – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER as he was activated from the IL. The game will be resumed on Friday, before their night game. Strasburg is also the scheduled starter for Friday, so would be the  starter for both games on Friday. Eat a D, Old Hoss Radbourn.

Ryan Helsley – Diagnosed with Covid. I’d guess Giovanny Gallegos is the closer now. In, ya know, March of 2021. On the reals, sounds like the Cards may not play until Friday, at the earliest. I’ve benched all my Cardinals/Pirates, and would be careful about which Tigers you start, though, related question, you own Tigers? I kid; they looked like the 1927 Tigers this past weekend. Not entirely sure how Jack Flaherty or any Cardinals’ pitcher is supposed to go more than 3 IP when they do return, so there’s a chance the MLB season could be a third of the way over, and Jack Flaherty might have under ten innings total without every being IL’d. Totally normal stuff. Manfred for Manfred of the Year. He narrowly beat out Manfred von Richthofen, the German fighter pilot from WWI, only because he actively killed people.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. Shucks, might be too late to drop him or trade him away for fifty cents on the dollar. Yelich, stop doing exactly what everyone assumed you were going to do!

Mike Moustakas – Hit the IL with a quad bruise. Moistasskiss? More like Wetblanketas!

Jesse Winker – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Okay, great, terrific, adjective. Check this though, the Reds are so committed to never playing Aristides Aquino, that they put at 2nd base: Colon, Jankowski in the outfield and Galvis at short. None of them are hitting, so how much worse could Aquino be? My deep fantasy teams where I own Aquino want to know!

Anthony DeSclafani – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.00. I like DeSclafani a lot in NL-Only leagues. He’s always underappreciated and gives you some pretty-okay innings. Pretty-okay is the adjective, it describes DeSclafani’s innings. In most leagues, I’d use the Streamonator for him, and it likes his next start, assuming we don’t lose a whole team to Covid before then.

Spencer Turnbull – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.00. Managed to shut down the Pirates, who have been somewhat a Riddle. In that, they’re starting J.T. Riddle over Polanco.

Derek Holland – 5 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 8.27. Derek Holland, noted MLB pitcher and creator of the Dutch oven.