Devon Travis was activated from the DL yesterday (1-for-4, 1 run). Be interesting to see what he can do in his return from shoulder surgery. Shoulder surgery never really stopped anyone from doing well before. “Yes, Michael Brantley? Ask your question. Okay, if you’re not going to ask your question, at least put your arm down. You can’t put down your arm? Oh.” The Blue Jays said that Travis could move up the order soon, and hit leadoff. No way, Azul Jays! You mean Jose Bautista isn’t a leadoff hitter? That’s downright shocking. I never would’ve guessed that. Shiver me Timberlands, and stockpile my hatch chiles before Trump kicks New Mexico out of the union. There’s been a lot of talk in the comments about how unenthused I am for Travis, and it’s not entirely true. I would take a flyer on him in all leagues, but it takes hitters a while to return from shoulder surgery, so I’d tempura my expectations. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Russell Martin – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (1, 2), and off the schneid. That was the Jays’ 48th game of the season. Figure each game is roughly 150 minutes, so that’s roughly 7200 hours of baseball, which means it took him 7199.5 less hours to get lucky with Alyssa Milano. Once again, hitting a baseball is the hardest thing to do in modern sports.
Michael Saunders – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .312, as he hit cleanup yesterday. The Jays lineup is an ever-growing entity like Madonna’s biceps.
Troy Tulowitzki – Sitting out with a tight quad. There will be a 15-day DL stint in his future, but this doesn’t sound like it’s going to be the one.
Marco Estrada – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 2.76 vs. Ivan Nova – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Fun fact! Marco Nova is a form of Marco Polo astronauts play in space.
Didi Gregorius – 3-for-4 and his 4th homer, hitting .275. Didi, Didi, Didi, can’t you see? Sometimes your homers don’t inspire me.
Chase Headley – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. Hey, JayWrong got a homer!
Eduardo Rodriguez – Looked solid in Triple-A for the first time since he’s been rehabbing. Definitely worth stashing. Or even mustache’ing, which is the act of placing your Pekingese just over a picture to make it seem like someone has a mustache.
Dustin Pedroia – Pulled from the game with hamstring tightness. Hamstring feels generous with Pedroia, Baco’s Bacon Bit tightness?
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-3 and his 5th homer, hitting .349. Way too early for next year debate: Xander or Correa in 2017? I think it’s still gonna be Correa, but Bogaerts is making it close.
Steven Wright – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Steven Wright’s knuckler defies the laws of gravity and penal code if the catcher is not wearing a protective cup.
Jed Lowrie – 2-for-4 as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “Get Lowrie…Till all skeet skeet skeet skeet skeet goddamn!”
Khris Davis – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Sonavabench! I don’t even know why he was on my bench. I got too many teams!
Leonys Martin – Stole his 8th base then left with a tweaked hamstring. No, take my hamstring, I don’t need it!
Adam Lind – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 6 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homers. Like a beaver preacher, can I get an A-dam?! He only had two hits in the last week, so two homers goes a long way towards someone getting hot, but he wasn’t hot coming into this game.
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. Still hitting homers every few days, but no five homers in six games stretch yet, but it’s coming. I know it is (yes, I’m partly saying this to jinx him since I don’t own him).
Robinson Cano – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer. So far he’s been well worth the subscription to Tidal.
Gregory Polanco – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 7th steal. My daisy is all out of petals and I’ve left off on, “He loves me not,” so I’m going to the florist to buy another daisy. And Cougs says I never buy flowers!
David Freese – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Hey, it’s the old number three hitter. Yeah, I don’t know how that was a thing either. He wouldn’t even be a three hole hitter on the Padres.
Jean Segura – Said he avoided a concussion. He then put his pants on over his head.
Rubby de la Rosa – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER. Pitch like that and you can Rubby all by yourself, Mr. de la Rosa. Damn, I just got all Rosie Perez on his ass.
Shelby Miller – Diamondbacks GM, Dave Stewart, said Miller might be demoted. Listen, no one could’ve seen this coming, except for anyone with even a rudimentary understanding of pitchers’ stats. But no one else really.
Yasmany Tomas – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. This was his 2nd hit in a week, so far from Yes, many.
Yasmani Grandal – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .192. Well, at least he won’t cause any catcher questions. Yes, mani.
Yasiel Puig – Benched yesterday and it turns out he was removed from Tuesday’s game due to a lack of hustle not due to an awkward slide. In related news, Dave Roberts is a very selective bar mitzvah DJ, “More hustle, less slide!”
Hyun-Jin Ryu – Threw four scoreless innings in Triple-A, reminding people to stash him on your DL now. By the way, why isn’t he Hyun-Ho Jin? A curious ignorant person is asking.
Scott Kazmir – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA down to 4.84. Going into yesterday’s game, his career ERA was exactly 4.00 in 1605 IP. I would’ve guessed that number would’ve been lower, wouldn’t you? Any hoo! Nuff about ancient history. What can he do this year? Actually, goes back to history; a 4.00 ERA sounds about right. Solid in matchups, like last night, and not safe at all in his next start in Wrigley.
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.98. Okay, but he goes to Coors next, so don’t bother.
Rickie Weeks – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer. Wanna hear something real sad? I own Weeks in one league. And it’s not in a throwback 2007 league either.
Christian Yelich – Remained out of the lineup with back spasms. He’s officially the youngest person ever with back problems, aside from that girl in high school that fell out of the local carnival tea cup ride. We were all praying for you, Karen!
Giancarlo Stanton – Has soreness in his right side. Please let Giancarlo continue to give me the O face and not have a problem with the O word.
Marcell Ozuna – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and hitting .331. Being a hitting coach is kinda like being a fantasy baseball ‘pert. “Ooh, I picked Polanco to break out!/Ooh, I got Ozuna to hit!” “The Rangers misused Delino./Giancarlo hitting .214 is not my fault.”
Logan Morrison – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Yeah, he’s hot. No, I wouldn’t pick him up either.
Junior Guerra – 5 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.30. If I say anything bad about Guerra, it’ll mean war with JB. Same goes for Guerre, Senso, Yuddh and every language Google Translate does. This start was against the Braves, and his next one will be a challenge vs. the Cards. Stream-o-Nator is meh on it and I don’t think I’d stream in most mixed leagues.
Colby Lewis – 5 IP, 6 ER vs. Hector Santiago – 2 1/3 IP, 5 ER. The Regression Fairies killed two birds with one stone. An intricately bedazzled stone.
Rafael Ortega – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 1st homer, hitting .275. Ortega hasn’t done much of anything recently (hitting under-.200 in last week), unless you count piling 17 ounces of taco meat into a shell without it breaking.
Johnny Giavotella – 3-for-5, 2 runs, hitting over-.300 in last week, raising his average forty points in last ten games. Hey, Giavotella, fist pump!
Prince Fielder – 0-for-4, 1 run as the Rangers scored 15 runs, hitting .193. Ticker tease! Actually, season tease!
Nomar Mazara – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Nomar is my way of saying uncle. *arm twisted* Nomar! Nomar! Please! Nomar!
Ian Desmond – 3-for-6, 1 run, 1 RBI, hitting .294. Somebody stayed at a Renaissance this offseason.
Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th steal, hitting .262. When you’re suspended, I’m gonna miss your pleasant Odor more than you’ll ever know.
Ryan Rua – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting .282. Serious question: Did anyone tell Jeff Banister that Joey Gallo was called up?
Bobby Wilson – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Must’ve heard Robinson Chirinos is coming back soon. Uh-oh, Chirinos!
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in two days. Yesterday, I said he’s the type of guy to get crazy hot. Today, I’m saying he is hot.
Evan Gattis – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, as he caught the game. Can the Astros play a quadruple-header this weekend with Gattis starting all four games? Asking for my fantasy team.
Collin McHugh – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 5.13. I’m such a whore for Ks this start had me look at McHugh’s peripherals, thinking about picking him up. He’s actually been nearly identical to last year, which was kinda meh aside from the 19 wins.
Brandon Belt – Left yesterday’s game after rolling his ankle. “Damn, I want back, San Fran!” That’s Tim Lincecum.
Jake Peavy – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA down to 7.26. The Padres made a 7+ ERA pitcher look like an ace. Seriously. The Stream-o-Nator saw that shizz coming too.
Matt Duffy – 2-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 6th and 7th steals. He looks like he’s going to blow through his 12 steals from last year, and here I thought Duffy’s previous season was a dream.
Wil Myers – Pinch-hit yesterday, but has been sitting with discomfort in his forearm. Myers looked great in April when he was 100% healthy, but has looked poor in May while being banged up. Playing a 162-game season is about playing with bruises and not at 100%; Myers doesn’t seem to understand this, and won’t now either because he doesn’t read Razzball.
Corey Kluber – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Right now, Kluber is opening his Samonsite, revealing glowsticks, but there’s no Asian ravers on herbal ecstasy waving them yet. Could happen soon though because with each respective start his peripherals creep up.
Jose Quintana – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.22. Even his radar blips end up being a tugboat filled with pandas rather a real scare. Unless, of course, those are feral pandas.
Asdrubal Cabrera – Left yesterday’s game with back spasms. Whatever David Wright has, it’s spreading like a grease fire through a Soul Glo plant.
Matt Harvey – Will not be skipped in the rotation. The Mets and Harvey decided on that, when they were told you can’t backdate skipping him for the first two months of the season.
Steven Matz – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.36. He has a 9.1 K/9, 1.6 BB/9 and 2.79 xFIP, which are ace numbers. He’s also made it easy for Mets fans to stick their head in the sand about Harvey. “What’s the problem with Matt’s pitching?” “Absolutely nothing.”
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.71. This was me yesterday, “Roark is only owned in 55% of leagues? I thought he was pitching well.” *looks at his stats* “Yeah, I have no idea why more people don’t own him. Must be Klara Bell owning 12,000 fantasy teams to stock his virtual trophy chest.”
Tyler Duffey – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 3.93. Why did Duffey not pitch well yesterday? Because I streamed him. You’ve heard of wanderlust? I have streamerlust. It’s when you see every guy you don’t stream do well, and every guy you do stream do crap. By the by, don’t ever say wanderlust while hanging out with your guy friends, they will have the right to punch you in the face. Unless you’re just mispronouncing a girl Wanda’s name who’s got some tig ol’ bitties.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Looks like the two days off to clear his head worked. Like LRRH, don’t think we’re out of the woods yet, but we’re on the right breadcrumb path.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .221. Chris Carter or Sano for most fantasy value this year? I think you know which one I’d go with.
Eduardo Nunez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .314. Real question: Did the Twins get a Groupon for Eduardos?
Mike Moustakas – Sounds like he could be headed to the DL, still having knee issues. That’s not to be confused with a née issue, which would be something like Jimmy Hitler.
Cheslor Cuthbert – 0-for-4. If Moistasskiss does hit the DL, Cheslor Cuthbert will play every day, which is great for all the butlers he represents in the local Butlers’ Union, but isn’t more than a hot schmotato or AL-Only player.
Whit Merrifield – 2-for-5, 1 run, hitting .348 and 2nd in the order. Whit Merrifield sounds like a Christian Garbage Pail Kid. “Bloody Mary is too scary, we need some light-in-spirit cards! Lift me up, playing cards, lift me up!” Merrifield, in all his mirth, had five homers and 16 steals in only 36 games in Triple-A while hitting .278. He’s also 27 years old, so he’s about four years past the point when he should’ve appeared in the majors. Not to take all the merrymaking out of Merrifield, but he’s not as good as he’s shown so far. Or sofa, if you’re into furniture.
Kris Bryant – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .279. Sky texted me this yesterday, “Is Kris Bryant on pace for the most boring 32 HR, 118 run, 115 RBI season or nah?” I texted back, “Rizzo too.” He replied, “Cubs offense is this slow trudging machine.” And I wrote, “Eggplant emoji.”
Jake Arrieta – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA up to 1.72. It would be lame if after his first subpar game I said something about how he was due to pitch poorly if it wasn’t for the fact that after his last five starts I’ve said some variations of, “He is not pitching as well as last year.” And that’s me paraphrasing me! His velocity is off, his walks are way up and so is his xFIP. I don’t think he’s going the way of the Harvey, but Arrieta does not look as good as last year. Does he look terrible? No, not at all. He just looks more like a top 10 starter than a top three.
Carlos Martinez – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.25. As I said all preseason, I’m not going anywhere near C-Mart due to him being shutdown with shoulder issues last September. Now that you have him on your team, pray his chips don’t break off in the bowl of Wachamole.
Matt Adams – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. That’s his third homer this week, hitting near-.500 in that time and has zero steals because he’s 312 pounds from his belly button to his neck. Hot schmotato alert!
Matt Holliday – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer. VinWins can likely tell us for sure, but Holliday seems to be the most active waiver wire add in my RCL. Literally, seriously, adverbially, he’s been on and off waivers at least twice a week the entire season. I know this because I’ve picked up and dropped him at least once a week.
Randal Grichuk – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in the past three games. You can’t spell Randal Grichuk without CARD HULK. CARD HULK HIT BALL FAR! CARD HULK APPRECIATE HELP PETER THIEL!
Ian Kinsler – Sat out again with the flu. His aunts, Myra and Mindy, flew in some soup from Katz’s Deli and his mother, Harriet, put Animaniacs on his bedroom TV to watch.
Cameron Maybin – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Yo, right now, Maybin is ridick-u-louse.
Aaron Nola – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.14. Random Prediction Alert! I’m gonna rank Nola in the top 20 starters next year, and most of the big box sites will rank him about ten to twenty spots later, but say something like, “Nola’s great value this late,” without saying he’s that late because they’re ranking him too late.
Jeanmar Gomez – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 17th save, ERA at 2.45. Fun fact! Jeanmar is Spanish for Saves by the Sea.
Maikel Franco – Left yesterday’s game after sliding into 2nd base and spraining his ankle. Apparently, spraining isn’t a portmanteau for spring training where Maikel was so good.
Peter Bourjos – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (3). …And the award for the Most Inconsequential Slam & Legs goes to… Peter Bourjuice *Sia whispers into 2 Chainz’s ear* Excuse me, Bour-joes.
Odubel Herrera – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .327. I forget who mentioned this in the comments, but someone pointed out that Odubel should be nicknamed ODB, and so he shall. Hope he gets to face Marc Rzepczynski soon. The RZE! Or Garza. The GZA! Or Anthony Gose-Face Killah! Or Name One Juan the Chef! Or Giancarlo — You-God! Or Brian McCann — Inspecktah Who’s On Deck With Your New Eyes! Or Z-I-M-M-E-R MAN!
Jonny Gomes – Was reported he retired, then he said later in the day, he didn’t retire, he just doesn’t play on a team. The thought of him trying to adjust to normal life where he had to deal with right-handed people was just too much.
