Happy Labor Day, everyone! Today, we celebrate all of those mothers who are in labor giving birth to us, so put your legs up, grunt real hard and scream at a loved one that they are a “bastard” or a “weasel-d*cked moron who isn’t even the real father.” You’ve earned this day, male or female, though I’m not sure how men earned a Labor Day. Do I have this celebration right? Any hoo! University of Seinfeld Dean Kremer made his major league debut yesterday vs. the Yankees, going 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 7 Ks. The Orioles acquired Dean Kremer from an Animal House cosplay kegger, where he was lecturing kids on alcohol–Wait, hearing now he was acquired from the Dodgers in the Machado trade. He led the minors in strikeouts in 2018 and 2019, which is a backhanded minor league compliment. If you’re in the minors leading the league in something, it means you’re good enough to excel (check) but not good enough to push your cheap club to promote you (check). Though, in fairness to Kremer, the O’s are especially thrifty, as anyone watching one at-bat with Mountcastle can attest — dude looks like he could’ve been up two years ago, spitting on tough pitches. Kremer looks like he could struggle with command against a better lineup. The curve was the standout pitch, freezing hitters. The fastball look fine (94-5 MPH), if he commands it well. Overpowering? Far from it. He seemed to control the fastball better than the offspeed pitches, so he could be a sneaky backend fantasy pitcher in 2021. For this year, I’m looking at the Streamonator over owning him. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

DJ Stewart – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer with all three coming in the last two days. *touches front pocket, hears sizzle sound, pulls out from the crotch area of pants a hot schmotato*

Anthony Santander – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Sounds like he’s going to miss the rest of the year. That sucks for my fantasy teams, and for him, I imagine.

Gerrit Cole – 6 IP, 1 ER (4 unearned), 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.63 vs. Keegan Akin – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.08. Cole was out-pitched by Akin. I will now stick my head out a window and cackle at the moon.

Gleyber Torres – 0-for-1 as he was activated from the IL on Saturday, and didn’t start on Sunday. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department handed to his co-workers a written note that read, “I forgot my mask at home, but I had masking tape and white bread, which is why I have this on my face.”

Deivi Garcia – Sounds like he’ll be up mid-week to start again vs. the Jays. As his Friday start showed (and Clarke Schmidt’s relief appearance), in redraft leagues, these guys could be good, but they are very risky. In a lot of leagues, the Streamonator is better than rookie-nookie.

Kwang-Hyun Kim – Hit the IL with a kidney ailment. He might pitch again this year, but looks like it won’t be for at least week or two. In his place, Carlos Martinez is ready to go on Tuesday. C-Mart will likely be limited by having not thrown in a game in a month and not being a good starter in two years.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .317. Au Shizz!

Tommy Edman – 1-for-5, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, hitting .263. He only has one steal on the year, which is disappointing, but the Cards also have half a season left, unlike their opponent last night, who are 60% done with the season. Yup, totally normal stuff.

Anthony Rizzo – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. HR to the Izzo!

Chris Paddack – 4 2/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.75. On one hand, he’s going to be much cheaper next year. On the other hand, this year sucks to own him. On a third hand that is candle made out of a hand dipped into wax, I’m not sure I trust him anymore.

Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .311. FTJ! Fun the Jewels! He sparks joy in my jewels.

Tejay Antone – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.49. Long overdue to discuss Tejay Rookie before he Shatner’s all over le Majors. Tejay had TJ in 2017, and has regained his velocity, pumping 96 MPH fastballs, but has never shown the ability to miss bats, like this year — minor league ~8 K/9. Command can also be an adventure, and he’s old for his lack of experience (27 in December). Feels like a guy who impresses on his 1st look, then flames out.

Mitch Keller – Could rejoin the Pirates in the next week after falling victim to the dreaded, mysterious oblique. With only time for him to throw a few starts, and maybe not for longer than a few innings, I don’t have the itch for Mitch.

Nick Castellanos – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .243. The Greek God of Hard Contact hit that one off Kuhl in a protest to all Greek diners trying to put a coal-fire pizza oven in their kitchens. Stick to your rotating spits!

Brandon Woodruff – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.91. Loved this guy in the preseason, and he’s just barely above Paddack, almost a tie. Call him Lime Wedge. Ya know, just above a Pad Thai.

Shane Bieber – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 1.25, as he moved his record to 7-0. He now has a better record than any other Bieber.

Sandy Alcantara – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.78. I am loving my Marlins pitchers! Bet you didn’t expect me to say that. Then you weren’t paying attention in the 17-month preseason, because I had multiple Marlins pitchers in tiers I would draft, and I own them. Plus, Sixto. Muah!

Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.00. The universe says there can only be one good T. Rogers per year, which is really hurting the Giants’ and Twins’ relievers. Streamonator hates Rogers’s next start, but I could see streaming him if desperate, and who isn’t?

Starling Marte – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (6), hitting .306. Welcome to the Miami Marlins starring Starling Marte with featured guest, Starling the Marlin, and introducing, Starling “Not Matt Joyce” Marte!

Blake Snell – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.74. Or as Drunk SpongeBob would say, “yOU nEEd tO DRAft aCEs.”

Randy Arozarena – 3-for-4, and his 2nd and 3rd homer, and three homers in his last three games, but that’s, like, five games ago. Could be worth picking up, or ignoring completely. So hard to say with Cash.

Justus Sheffield – 7 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.34. Quietly having a little bit of a breakout. Hopefully it stays quiet, and no one picks up on it. Justus.

Justin Dunn – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.09. I saw he was a guy on the weekly pitcher planner as a guy to “STREAM,” and I was like, “Aw, sookie!” Then realized I was looking at Sunday and not Monday, and I almost bid $45 for Dunn in weekly FAAB, because I have lots of smarts.

Kyle Lewis – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer. He’s cooled off a bit–I’M MESSIN’! He’s hitting .315. What do you want from him? He was freakin’ free in drafts!

Joey Gallo – 1-for-4, and his 8th homer, hitting .179. His home run was a moonshot, which was measured as 433 feet, but with gravity different on the moon, who’s to say the actual distance?

Leody Taveras – 2-for-4 and his 2nd homer, hitting .238, as he hits leadoff. I don’t know for sure, but I think Leody Taveras is Willy Taveras in a sugar-coated shell.

Tony Gonsolin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 0.76. As I mentioned in Friday’s Buy column, this was a Streamonator pick, and I’m not sure you can drop him.

Corey Seager – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 10th and 11th homer, hitting .331. If I’m being honest, I kinda don’t trust anything from this season, like this whole season is Adam from the Netflix show, Dark, but if we are to trust it, Corey Seager is becoming a superstar. Or maybe him and Cody Bellinger are trading good and bad outcomes, like Adam and Martha (if I have anything right about the show Dark, which I likely don’t).

Matt Kemp – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, as he returned to Dodger Stadium. Who says you can’t go home again? What did you say, the restraining order against you? Oh, yeah, that’s prolly a good reason.

Madison Bumgarner – 4 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 8.44, as he returned from the IL to lead the Diamondbacks to a 5th place finish in the NL West? To help the Diamondbacks secure the 1st draft pick next year? Not entirely sure, honestly, why he returned. For the rest of his career, you’d like to see Bumgarner follow Kershaw into the light, but seems more like it’s F-Her ‘n Bum in the dark.

Donovan Solano – 3-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .344. Just went to look at his player page, expecting to come away impressed and, well, um, interjection, not so much.

Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.70. If you started Skubal in Minnesota, your pants’ cantaloupes might be bigger than the marbles in your melon.

Willi Castro – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week. Willi or won’t he? Castro or can’t say? Shooting craps or crap? Shoots and two latters.

Victor Reyes – 2-for-4, 1 run and his 6th steal, hitting .318. If you’re struggling for steals, and who isn’t, then I’d look at Victor Reyes, who is doing what we wanted from Treat Urner, while Treat does what we wanted from Cody Bellinger.

Bryan Garcia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.69, as he got his 1st save. Did I just make up the name Bryan Garcia? Give me more credit than that. If I were making up a closer name, I’d name him something like Chuck Fiery. In the last two days, Jose Cisnero and Gregory Soto went poo, and Buck Farmer is the visual representation of a big bag of poo in overalls. Don’t think this team is worth speculating on, but as always, go with the guy who actually got a save.

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .314. When you see Freeman, do you see an aging rocker singing Free Bird being watched by a pigeon who is mimicking him by singing Freeman? Meh, maybe it’s just me.

Marcell Ozuna – 3-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .320. OZUNA has eye on MVP. OZUNA bought Willie Hernandez’s MVP off eBay.

Josh Tomlin – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.77 vs. Patrick Corbin – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.34. 2020 pitching: Where Positive and Negative Regression Never Happens.

Teoscar Hernandez – Hits the IL, and sounds done for the year. In related news, we’re all cursed. I don’t know which voodoo priest got us, but if I had to guess it was when I stepped on the toe of the guy at Cinnabon who had face paint and a nose ring. Yeah, he cursed us.

Rowdy Tellez – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Between facing the Grade-A garbage that is the Red Sox, and hitting in the Buffalo Wild Winds Stadium, I’m all-in on any marginal Jays, and with Teoscar out, grab Tellez.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 4-for-6, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .290. Owned in 82% of leagues, so he’s less available than Tellez, but should be unavailable.

Robbie Ray – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.51. Robbie Ray seeing a Quote of the Day calendar, “Wherever you go, there you are,” and crying.

Bobby Dalbec – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, which has come in a week since his call-up. As someone who owns him, it’s pretty puzzling when he sits out or bats at the bottom of the order. Yesterday, the Red Sox had two catchers in their top five hitters. Oh…*climbs to the top of Machu Picchu*…kay.

Jose Peraza – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). I told you he was a sleeper! *slowly backpedals out room, and enters a room of Peraza drafters, dodges thrown tomato*

Matt Harvey – 2 1/3 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 11.70. Jokes aside, how is Harvey in the league? He’s sucked for like five years now, and he sleeps with his teammates’ wives. Is he like some kind of clubhouse morale booster because everyone bonds over hating him?

Edward Olivares – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Is there time to cyclops because I’m hella intrigued by this guy. I’m like a pimento poking around in this Olivares.

Edwin Encarnacion – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .179. Fun fact! Edwin Encarnacion is the first person to hit .179 while passing for 179.

Dallas Keuchel – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.19, but left yesterday’s game with lower back soreness. As soon as I read his injury update somewhere else, I will repackage that information for you in a fun, easy-to-digest blurb.

Seth Lugo – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.05. Lugo might be on all my fantasy teams next year. He feels like a guy who will be drafted around the 50th starter off the board and return a fantasy number two.

Jacob deGrom – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.69. Next year, Bieber or deGrom? Yeah, prolly deGrom, and I’m not drafting either, but Bieber has age way on his side.

Pete Alonso – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and two homers (9, 10). Al…2xbombso! Make love to my pants!

Jeff McNeil – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .291. Yikes. One homer? Castle Woofenstein.

Wilson Ramos – 1-for-5 and his 3rd homer, hitting .226. Statcast clocked Wilson Ramos on his home trot with an hourglass.

Brandon Nimmo – 3-for-6, 2 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .256. Nimmo is wet and fishy!

Framber Valdez – 7 IP, 8 ER, 13 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.61. Looks like Dusty Baker found his newest workhorse. Call him, a Frarabian Horse.

Kyle Tucker – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .284. Just thought of something. You know how Mike Bolsinger is suing the Astros because he claims their cheating forced him to suck, and out of the game? I wonder if Tucker has a lawsuit because he could’ve been called up sooner if the Astros’ hitters sucked.

Aledmys Diaz – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in the last four games. Game temperature was 108 degrees in Anaheim. That’s Fahrenheit. The Angels retired the Kelvim scale.

Lance McCullers – Hit the IL with neck irritation. Obviously from watching line drives get shot back over his infielders.

Jose Altuve – Hit the IL with a knee sprain. Due to his size and precariousness of the injury, the doctor he went to was an 8-year-old who had won 12 straight games of Operation, and when Altuve heard a buzz, he swung at a changeup.