If a tree falls in a forest, but no one drafts the tree does it make a sound?  That’s what it felt like this weekend at Razzball.  I’m sure a ton of people were angry that Daniel Murphy fractured his finger, but I heard nary a peep from the Razzball faithful.  I’m guessing because of where I ranked him.  According to FantasyPros, the top person ranked him 26th overall.  The worst ranking of him, and, oh, it’s just silly.  Some total numbskull ranked him 150th overall.  Wait a second, I’m that numbskull, and the awful ranking was actually him 26th overall.  I should’ve wrote an overrated schmohawk post for him, but I didn’t because I didn’t want to write this in February, “He’s old, and will get hurt.  End of post.  So, did everyone already take down their Groundhog’s Day decorations?”  I honestly couldn’t figure out why people were drafting him.  His projections were 22 HRs, .310.  I mean, okay, but kinda big whoop, no?  Meh, I guess it’s irrelevant now since I know none of you drafted him.  Right?  Riiiiiiight?  The good news is Garrett Hampson and Ryan McMahon should see more at-bats, and, just as I say that, the Rockies played Mark Reynolds at 1st base on Sunday.   Oh, Rockies, you dumb, dumb team, which is different than the creative team behind Dum-Dum lollipops.  They’re terrific.  Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Jon Gray – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks.  Solid start to the 2019 season even if the lineup he was facing is the Marlins’ Murmurers’ Row.

Sandy Alcantara – 8 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Alcantara sounds like a song by Dean Martin, and, if he keeps pitching like this it will be amore.  He has crazy upside but similar downside.  If his command goes sideways — literally — then he could be in for a 1 1/3 IP, 7 ER start or two, but he could also harness his command and be one of the top breakouts.  In deeper mixed leagues, I’m interested.

J.T. Riddle – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Maybe it wasn’t Realmuto that was good in Miami, but any Jerry Tomato can succeed there.

Mychal Givens – On Saturday, 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks as he got the 8th inning of a 3-1 game, and the save went to Mike Wright (2/3 IP, 0 ER), but he didn’t start the inning.  Then, yesterday, Givens (1 2/3 IP, 1 ER) came in again in the 8th and Paul Fry got the save, so…*tears up all SAGNOF of the Orioles*  I don’t know.  Bullpens are a complete mess, and soon the fantasy leagues we know and love will all be Holds+Saves leagues, because this is a shizzshow.  I haven’t dropped Givens, because he did seem destined for the save, until shizz happened in the 9th on both days.  I will now laugh myself into a crying fit that I own an Orioles’ reliever who I’m justifying reasons to hold.

Renato Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer as the O’s managed to work his bat into the lineup while still playing Rio Ruiz, which brings me to, how can the O’s not work Nunez and Ruiz into the same lineup every day?

J.A. Happ – 4 IP, 4 ER.  Yankees fans watching their team struggle against the O’s, but still happy because Sonny Gray got rocked is the most Yankees fan thing ever.

Yu Darvish – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER with seven walks.  He threw 57 pitches before a ball was put into play.  57 is also the varieties of Heinz.  Heinz is a sauce.  And Yu was throwing like a man who was sauced.  See, makes perfect sense.  Darvish’s start could’ve went worse, he could’ve ran Javier Baez over with the bullpen cart.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs, and his 1st homer.  HR to the Rizzo!

Delino DeShields – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1).  I told you he was a sleeper! *under breath* Twelve years ago.

Asdrubal Cabrera – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .455.  Hot schmotato alert!

Lucas Giolito – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 8 Ks.  As they say, “It always clicks on the 43rd career start.”

Jose Abreu – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer, hitting .364, which is *raspberries lips*  Yoan Moncada (2-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) is hitting .462.  Now we just need our boy, Eloy (0-for-4, hitting .182).

Brad Boxberger – 1 IP, 3 ER as he entered the 7th inning.  Okay, either MLB managers think 1st-week-of-the-season games are only seven innings long, or there’s no closers this year.  Ian Kennedy closed Saturday’s game, then afterwards Ned Yost said, “Kennedy and Wily Peralta were his favorites for saves. Also, I’m retiring after this year so who gives a fu–”

Noah Syndergaard – 6 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks vs. Stephen Strasburg – 6 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks.  Mean’s while, the guy who owns Matt Shoemaker in your league is in 1st.  Fantasy Baseball:  When You Want Your Hobby To Cause You Stress.

Trea Turner – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and a double slam (1, 2) and legs (4).  20-year-old Grey, “How sexy is that shot girl at Senor Frog’s?”  40-year-old Grey, “How sexy is Treat Urner and how he can hit a ball 400 feet and steal 70 bags?”

Sean Doolittle – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER and the blown save, though he was an escape goat as he got the vulture win.  Why does it feel like this year a fantasy baseballer (<–my mom’s term!) who owns a handful of closers is going to win this year’s Rolaids Award for taking the most Rolaids during the year?

Francisco Lindor – Will visit with an ankle specialist in Green Bay on Monday.  I thought Green Bay was only known for their chiropractor, Dr. Wince Lumbardi.

Jake Odorizzi – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 11 Ks.  Okay, so the Indians’ lineup is an abomination, but that’s definitely a start that’s got my attention.  The Streamonator hates his next start, and I can understand why, so it’s a wait and see on Odorizzi for now, but I’m definitely a cyclops with a monocle.

Michael Pineda – 4 IP, 0 ER, 5 Ks in 40 pitches, as he was pulled because the Twins know that at any point Pineda will revert to a piñata.  I keed.  He was on a pitch count.  Be interesting to see what Pineda can do against an actual major league lineup.

Trevor May – 1/3 IP, 0 ER as he entered the 7th inning and was vamos’d after two batters.  Those mumblings of May as the closer?  They’re now grumblings.  Blake Parker and Taylor Rogers are currently in the committee, but I like Blake Parker to emerge.  Or submerge, as in my head into a sink of ice cubes like something Nicholas Cage would do if he were trying to figure out bullpens.

Aaron Sanchez – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Real question:  Have the Tigers recorded a run yet this season?  The Jays pitchers are not this good.

Freddy Galvis – Out with lower back tightness.  Galvis had played in 162 games in each of the previous two seasons.  In related news, Cal Ripken Jr. called up Gregg Zaun to say, “I’m sorry about all of those wedgies.  I was just stressed about Freddy Galvis.”

Trent Thornton – 5 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 8 Ks vs. Matt Moore – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Can I just take one moment to say how awful the Jays’ and Tigers’ lineups are?  The top of the Jays’ lineup is Danny Jansen, Brandon Drury and Justin Smoak.  On some teams, all of those guys would a nine-hole hitter.  The Jays would get swept in a best of seven series vs. their Triple-A team.  Thornton’s projections on the Prospectonator don’t look awful — 8+ K/9, low-4 ERA.  His delivery looks like someone off-screen is singing the Hokey Pokey, which might be why he usually throws every seven to eight days vs. every fifth day.  For now, I’m interested in AL-Only leagues, but having a hard time of imagining him on a mixed league team of mine.

Spencer Turnbull – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the BJs, who suck.  I hope you didn’t buy into the Turnbullsh*t.

Bryse Wilson – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER.  I’m just going to leave this Fresca on the counter of this al-Qaeda-owned bar and head to the bathroom.  Can you watch my drink for me?  *four hours later*  That’s weird, that guy looks like he’s wearing my kidney as a hat…AHH!!! ROOFIE!!!

Kyle Wright – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 walks, 4 Ks.  Hard to draw massive conclusions about the Braves starters because they were in The House Where Greg Luzinski Ate, but, yeah, kinda meh.  On a related note, the NL East is stacked.

Andrew McCutchen – 1-forp3, 2 runs and his 2nd homer.  Shoot the entire Phillies lineup directly into the veins of my fantasy teams.

Bryce Harper – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer.  Worth every penny so far, which the Phils fans have been showing by preparing rolls of pennies to throw at him.

Alex WoodReds said the original timetable of a mid-April return was “a little aggressive” for Wood, which sounds like a #metoo teachable moment.

Sonny Gray – 2 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 mound visits and 1 start that’s going to be tough to blame on the Yankees.

Trevor Williams – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Not bad for a guy who was so discounted in drafts that when you clicked to draft him the draft software was prompted to say, “Are you sure you don’t mean Trevor Richards?”

Brandon Woodruff – 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks.  This is hilarious in a very un-hilarious type way.  The other day someone asked Rudy while his projections don’t like Woodruff at all and mine do.  So, he said, “Grey’s not taking into account Woodruff pitched better in middle relief.”  I replied, “That’s not true.”  That’s classic underestimating of Grey.  Instead of saying something like, “My projections discount Woodruff more than Grey, because mine don’t think Woodruff can bring his new pitches he used in middle relief to the rotation.”  Or maybe, “Grey thinks the two pitches Woodruff began throwing in middle relief last year will be carried into the rotation.”  Nope!  Rudy says Grey’s not taking something into account.  Even though in part of the 750 words I wrote for Woodruff this preseason, I said, “He had a 2.03 ERA (2.34 xFIP) and 11.5 K/9 as a reliever, and 6.32 ERA (5.10 xFIP), 7.5 K/9 as a starter.”  And that’s me taking Woodruff’s middle relief into account!  I told you, hilarious!

Corbin Burnes – 5 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks.  Mr. Burnes was egggggggcellent.  This was his first career start, and his first nine outs were all Ks.  His fastballs were 95-96 MPH and his sliders were hitting spots away and…boing!  Not to throw a wet towel in the hamper for some enthusiasm damper, but it’s hard to imagine him avoiding bumps on the way to being a top 50 starter.  To mention another starter who had his debut, Paddack will be better this year, but Burnes will be ownable, and you should try to find room for him.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-2, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer, tying the MLB record for most consecutive games with a homer to start the year.  Gonna go out on a limb and say if he hits a home run every game this year, he’s going to repeat as MVP.

Dakota Hudson – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER.  This was a tough start in The Park Once Known As Miller, but, even in deep leagues, I want to see something from Hudson before trusting him.  Or her.  The name Dakota always throws me off.

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4 and his 4th homer.  Au Shizz!  *a tumbleweed rolls through his sell window, I pop my head up*  I still think he’s a sell.  *a thrown rock just misses my head*

Paul DeJong – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer.  Colonel Mustard did it with the hammer!

Michael Wacha – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Wacha was overshadowed by Burnes, but that’s not to throw shade at him.  Play on words points!

Brett Anderson – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks.  Solid start vs. the Los Angles Is 45 Minutes North If There’s No Traffic And There’s Always Frickin Traffic Anaheim Angels, but he gets the Sawx next and the Streamonator isn’t having it, and I can see why.

Frankie Montas – 6 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Finally, Frankie Montas is out of the shadow of co-star Bryan Cranston!  This start was against the Angels who have Trout and nothing.  The Ghost of The Sciosciapath won’t even let David Fletcher get starts over La Stella; I’m cry-snorting WTF.  As for Montas, he’s had huge K years in the minors, but that hasn’t translated to the majors yet.  Emphasis on yet.

Khris Davis – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer, hitting .250.  On a scale of 1 to 10, how surprised would you be to find out Khris Davis is actually a machine that was made to hit homers and .247?  I’m at about a 5.

Zack Godley – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER.  How about that bounce back tho?  Amiright?

Ildemaro Vargas – 1-for-5, 1 run.  Really hoping Eduardo Escobar just had a random day off and he’s not in some kind of whacko platoon with the Wild Seas of Vargas.

Cody Bellinger – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 4th homer, but really, like, his 62nd homer.  Like a middle-aged man, Belly and belts go hand-in-hand.

Walker Buehler – 3 IP, 5 ER and zero Ks after only pitching once in Spring Training.  Okay, now I’m concerned.

Tyler Glasnow – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks.  After putting together a wretched spring, he looked.  Dot dot dot.  Not bad.  I’ve seen better.  I’ve seen worse.  I’m still in.

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-4 as he hit leadoff.  This weekend Yandy is a mover of mountains and up fantasy boards. His muscles have little Gold’s Gyms built on them, but, until this weekend, it seemed like he had those air muscles that looked good in a Speedo, but couldn’t hit a home run.  So far, that’s not been the case, and, if he’s playing every day, he’s a guy I’d try to add in all leagues.  Hot schmotato alert!

Austin Meadows – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Awaken the sleepers!

Yonny Chirinos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 2 baserunners, 6 Ks.  Think I might like Yonny more than just what the Streamonator says, but I don’t think it matters for right now because he gets the Giants next and would start him everywhere.

Collin McHugh – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks.  Someone should ask someone who doesn’t trust Woodruff to keep gains made in middle relief last year, why should we trust McHugh to do exactly that?  By the way, I trust Woodruff and McHugh, so I’m not the one to ask.

Nick Margevicius – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks in his 1st career MLB start and 1st start above High A ball.  The Padres weren’t kidding when they said they wanted to get younger.  They’re gonna be fielding sonograms soon.

Chris Paddack – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks.  Just threw my TV through the window for only owning Chris Paddack in 6 of 10 leagues.  Doode looked so money he’s replacing Andrew Jackson on the twenty.

Jeff Samardzija – 5 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 2 Ks.  *singing totally off-key*  “Samardzija is…a…Shark doo doo doo doo doo doo…”

J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  Just Dong because it’s never too early to smack a dong and get it on.

Rick Porcello – 2 2/3 IP, 4 ER.  You do not want any part of the M’s right now.  Even if Domingod isn’t hurting you, he’s in your peripheral vision messing with your head.

Omar Narvaez – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer.  The Never Narvaez people must be wishing they were never Never Narvaez.

Jay Bruce – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 2nd homer.  Knew I should’ve went with him over Trout.

Hunter Strickland – Hit the IL with a lat strain that will knock him out at least a couple of months.  In his place saving games for the Mariners will be *looks around the bullpen, freezing up, stares at the camera light* Inner monologue, “Damn, I’ve been gearing up for someone to ask me…Gearing up…Gearing…”  Blurts out, “Cory Gearrin!”  However, on Sunday, he got the save opportunity, walked the bases loaded and was relieved by Chasen Bradford, who got the save.  Also, they have Rosscup, which sounds like a frat game that involves Solo cups and Ross Perot — “Ross, put on your pants and stop ruining elections!”  Anthony Swarzak returns on April 2nd and is my favorite for saves in Seattle while Strickland is out.  Finally, Rumblelow got Saturday’s save, but he’s actually a name for a backyard wrestling tournament.  “Welcome back to the Rumblelow!  We’re brought you by my dad’s accounting business — He’s Quicken to the point!  In our next match, it’s Willie “The Homeless Man From 7-11 Parking Lot” vs. The Masked Accountant, who looks a lot like my dad.”