Do you hear what I hear? Carrolling?! The Christmas Carroll decked the halls Friday night, with an O Holy Night indeed. Yes, Corbin Carroll gave us some summer Christmas vibes going 3-for-5 with his 12th and 13th home runs of the season including a 355-foot grand salami in the seventh that was the icing on the gingerbread persons putting the Diamondbacks ahead 9-2 over the Tigers and they never looked back. The 22-year old outfielder slash phenom slash heartthrob slash luscious locks haver slash desert dweller is now slashing a meaty .307/.391/.575 with the 13 bombs, 32 RBI and 18 stolen bags on the year! Don’t look now but that’s a top five player on the player rater, guys and five girl readers (hi mom!). CC is currently third below only Freeman and Acuña and above guys like Aaron Judge, Yordan Alvarez and Shohei Ohtani. Oh, you’ve heard of them? If you are above Shohei on any list you are doing something very right. The grand slam was the first of his career, as was the multi-homer game, and for the dude who leads ALL players in fWAr at 3.1, Corbin is clearly also the first of his kind. I mean, imma let you finish Taylor, cause your Eras tour looks like a once in a lifetime event to behold, but Corbin Carroll is putting together one of the best rookie season of all time! He’s currently on pace for a 30/40 season, with over 100 runs scored and a .960 OPS. Over the past two weeks he’s hitting close to .400 with six homers, five steals, 15 runs scored, 16 RBI and a 1.243 OPS. This is a bit of a painful memory I’m sharing, but I had a chance to draft Carroll in the third round and went with Michael Harris II instead and that’s a decision that I have to live with for the rest of my life. Ohh, the regret! Never again will I disrespect the Christmas Carroll like that. Forget the Rookie of the Year convo, pfft, that’s for children, you could be looking at the 2023 NL MVP! Have a day, rook! This kid’s a bon-a-fide star! Ha-cha-cha!
Here’s what else I saw in fantasy baseball Friday night:
Isaac Paredes – 3-for-4, 2 HR (11), 6 RBI. Rays Pride Parades weekend means more dongs for Isaac! That was not a gay joke! (it was) I swear I’m an ally! It’s funny (incoming unfunny thing) how similar this Rays and Rangers’ team are, they have guys that can contribute (and homer) at every position, solid starting rotation, decent bullpen. The biggest difference is the Rangers paid a lot of money for these things and the Rays picked them up off the curb. Also while I’m ranting, these are the two best teams in the league right now yet we get another rehashed Yankee/Red Sox match up on Sunday night baseball? Do better ESPN! It bad enough we have to listen to A-Rod for two hours.
Josh Jung – 1-for-4, HR (13). Jung like a Josh! That means it’s a long one. Yay, more dong jokes for pride weekend!
Leody Taveras – 2-for-3, 2 HR (5). Leody Taveras, not to be confused with Leonys Martin, who is definitely a totally different person and player, with a completely different name and everything, and he’s hitting over .300 in the past week with three bombs. Own all the Rangers! Yes, even Suarez now!
Tyler Glasnow – 6.0 IP, 1 hit, ER, 3 BB, 6 K. OK, Tyler Glasnow you have my attention. His first win since returning from an oblique injury that sidelined him for the first two months, Tyler has had quite the gauntlet since returning with starts versus the Dodgers, at Boston and now Tejas Friday night. Overall, Oppenheimer’s has been lights out since returning, so it’s a shame he was only trending on twitter for looking like Thomas Shelby.
Andrew Heaney – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 5 K. The Regression Fairies are coming hard for Heaney, beware. They can see that reunion match up with the Angels, they are huge Ohtani stans and want him to stay with Anaheim forever. They don’t care about Shohei’s desire to win a championship and they will destroy your ratios.
Jake Rogers – 3-for-4, 2 HR (8) slashing .171/.267/.438. Roger, Rogers! What’s your vector, Victor Martinez?
Javier Baez – 2-for-5, HR (4). Spencer Torkelson had two hits. It’s a little jarring to me just how bad this line up is. I mean, I know Riley Greene is hurt and Torkelson sucks but the other bad teams have some exciting prospects at least. Two years ago at this time, I was swooning over the staff of young arms, now I want nothing to do with them. Luckily, as I typed this I must have willed this into existence. The Jace Jung clock begins. You’re welcome Tigers fans!
Merrill Kelly – 6.1 IP, 7 hits, 3 ER, 2 BB, 5 K, 8th win. I feel like Merrill Kelly doesn’t get the props he maybe deserves? Is it because he’s buried in the desert and no one knows about him like a Jokic in the mountains situation? The guy literally started in the WBC, is that not a world stage? He struck out Ohtani for god’s sake, I will never forget that!
Austin Hays – 2-for-4, HR (7). That’s a five game hit streak for Lavender Hays, who’s requesting you meet him at midnight, and don’t bring Matt Healy, swifties.
Gunnar Henderson – 3-for-3, run, 2 SB (4). Jorge Mateo also stole number 17 and 18. Don’t look now, but someone’s batting almost .500 this month with two homers and two steals. I said don’t look! The steals are nice to see because they remind me of 2022 Gunnar, and the times we had together. That’s vintage Gunnar. Just me, G, and MH2. Chillin so hard, rippin’ bs, freestyling, and not hitting under .200. Oh, boy things were so much better then, in particular my batting average.
Tyler Wells – 6.2 IP, 5 hits, 2 ER, BB, 4 K. It’s hard to believe Baltimore now has several pitchers who I’d consider boring but “safe” starters. Times change!
Felix Bautista – 1.0 IP, 2 K, SV (17). Needed just 10 pitches. What’s amazing to me is the O’s traded like the best closer in baseball last season (Jorge Lopez), and got a lot of guff for it too, and immediately replace him with a new best. Be best, Milana! So yeah, he’s the best. The new King Felix. Yes, his 1.16 ERA, 1.06 WHIP are very pretty, but the fact that he’s struck out 64 of the 126 batters he’s faced this year (half!) is unreal. The sweetest of sassy molassys to Felix!
Mookie Betts – 2-for-5. HR (17), 2 RBI. Went back-2-back with Freddie Freeman, his new bestie. Mookie Best would never lack hustle. Sometimes I wake up in cold sweats and uncontrollable night terrors remembering the Boston Red Sox actually traded a real life future HoF superstar like Mookie. I sincerely hope Chaim Bloom does, too.
J.D. Martinez – 2-for-3, RBI. With the ways he’s been just donging, you’d think he wasn’t batting close to 200 in the past week, but he is.
Ranger Suarez – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 2 BB, 8 K. Ranger Danger! I told you to own all Rangers! All of them! This one’s got a 1.63 ERA over his past three starts. Also, those three straight starts have all been of the quality variety. Who even does that anymore?? Ranger does!
Gregory Soto – 1.0 IP, K, W. Jose Alvarado – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, BB, 2 K. Alvarado was back and throwing gas, may not be long before we see him in a high leverage situation again. Don’t drop your Craug Kimbrels outright, but Alvarado should see some save opportunities.
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 3 runs, game winning HR (17) in the bottom of the ninth. Death. Taxes. And Kyle Schwarber hitting bombs in the month of June.
Jack Suwinski – 3-for-4, 4 runs, HR (12), 2 RBI. We told you to BUY him two weeks ago! I hope he’s done stuff between now and then!
Ke’Bryan Hayes – 5-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBI, SB (7). I don’t know why but I tried to type his name Ke’B Ryan. The Bucs had 17 hits in this one. This is the second five hit game for KBH and this looks like the ceiling for him. He may never have the power we once hoped he’d have but he’s batting close to .600 in the past week and I think that’s pretty cool.
Francisco Lindor – 1-for-3, HR (12). Is Lindo gonna put the Mets offense on his back and carry them for the next month without Alonso??? My one team that owns him that’s in last place sure hopes so.
Rich Hill – 7.0 IP, 7 hits, 2 ER, 2 BB, 6 K, 6th win. Dick Mountain wanted to get this one over quickly, he’s got a hard 9pm bed time and doesn’t want to miss bingo at the senior center.
Tylor Megill – 3.2 IP, 11 base runners (ELEVEN), 7 ER. Well, this could be the last time we see Tylor the run creator for a while.
Yusei Kikuchi – 5.0 IP, 4 hits, 2 ER, BB, 4 K. I actually liked Yusei in this start a lot Friday. So much I almost convinced myself to stream him.
Sonny Gray – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 2 BB, 5 K. Sonny boy was the tough luck loser in this one, but still a loser, no matter how tough. Speaking of tough, he gets the Astros next week and regression fairies be looming, yo!
Royce Lewis – 4-for-4, run. BUY! Rusty much? Couple more games like this before we truly see Royce Roll. Time to add him before that happens?
A.J. Smith-Shawver – 5.1 IP, 3 hits, 0 ER, 2 BB, 2 K. SO basically, as long as you’re not Mike Soroka you’re worth owning if you’re starting for the Braves. The swing and miss stuff has been a little underwhelming so far, but nothing a cake match up with the Tigers in Detroit can’t fix. Yeah, I’d stream that!
Josiah Gray – 5.0 IP, 2 hits, ER, 4 BB, 6 K. If you started him in Atlanta you have bigger balls than the Oklahoma softball girls. You gonna double down on that luck for his start in Houston next week? Your move, chico!
Eury Perez – 5.0 IP, 5 hits, ER, 2 BB, 6 K. Of all the rookie starters this year, Eury may not be the best but he has been my favorite. Which could be a category in some weird Dan Pants obsessed stalker fan’s league. Still, the numbers are real pretty 2.17 ERA, 1.21 WHIP and a 30/13 K/BB, and the highlights are even better. Here’s hoping he stays up even when Trevor Rogers returns, and if you are in fact a stalker, please, reach out! Say hi! I’d love to hear from you.
Dylan Cease – 6.0 IP, 4 hits, ER, 2 BB, 7 K. Back to back decent starts and things are starting to get back on track, even if those starts were against Miami and Detroit. He gets a true test in Los Angeles next week and I’d advise starting him with your eyes closed for that one.
Liam Hendriks – 1.0 IP, 2nd win. Don’t look now buy your boi Liam is the closer again. Makes you feel all tingly, warm, and fuzzy like! That didn’t take long. He must have Bryce Harper’s super regenerative genetics to heal so quickly. Not a lot of guys could take a 15 day IL stint for cancer. But Liam is no ordinary guy.
Dylan Floro – 0.1 IP, 2 hits, ER, BB, K, 4th L. I’ve been Floro’d! So four Ls is kind of a lot you guys. He also intentionally walked Andrew Benintendi, who hasn’t made hard contact in like 10 years, to face LouBob and like why? I didn’t realize intentional walks were still a thing. I wanted Dylan to run away with the closer job as much as anyone but methinks AJ Puk who returned this week might get another shot.
Jordan Montgomery – 6.0 IP, 3 hits, BB, 6 K, 3rd win. StreamONator loved this start but I was all like “nah.” And this is why ChatGPT is ultimately going to replace me. JoMo has had some tough luck and gets a nice start versus the Giants next week. Progressive fairies hovering!
Jordan Walker – 3-for-4, HR (4), 2 RBI slashing .278/.333/.433. BUY! Well Obviously! Hmm. Looks more like a slugger than a Walker to me? I guess that stint at AAA was good for him. *dodges tomato* Michael Harris, Gunnar Henderson and Triston Casas and their collective .200 batting average looking at Jordan Walker like, woah, he must have really pissed off the manager to get sent down like that. SMH. More games like this Air Jordan and maybe Ben Affleck will make a movie about you someday.
Nolan Gorman and Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, HR (15), 2 RBI. Nolan Arenado was also 2-for-4 with his 12th bomb. The Nolans are gonna share a blurb for now on as a space saver. It’s just more efficient this way!
Ben Lively – 6.2 IP, 10 hits, 7 ER, BB, 8 K. Are we all so blinded by how cool Elly DLC is that we can’t see this Reds team is still very bad?
Logan Allen – 6.0 IP, 9 hits, 5 ER, 2 BB, 4 K versus Cristian Javier – 5.0 IP, 7 hits, 4 ER, 3 BB, 2 K. And it just got out of hand from there as both teams’ bullpens collectively gave up a total of nine additional runs in 16.1 innings before ultimately this happened. Also, can someone explain to me the hashtag #GuardiWWWins? Why the three Ws!?
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-4, HR (10) 3 BB. There is a certain time of year when JoRam goes absolutely bonkers and everybody wonders why we don’t talk about him more. Then you think, oh, maybe cause he’s in Cleveland? But then what about LeBron? He is Cleveland. In reality it’s because he’s only the best player in the world some of the time. Now is one of those times.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-7, HR (2), 3 RBI. He’s been all kinds of bad but the 370 foot shot to oppo fieldo was the least bad thing he’s done all year. It was actually very good. I liked to think this means better things are ahead for Jose but you wouldn’t actually believe that, would you?
Esteury Ruiz – 2-for-5, run, RBI, SB (30). That’s 30 stolen bases for Esteury! Let me spell it out for you THIRTY. It’s June. So 30 bags in 65 games. The league leader last year Jon Berti had 41. He’s on pace for 70+, and I haven’t worried about steals since week 3! Life is good!
Trevor May – 1.0 IP, 2 K, SV (2). Now saved back to back games as the A’s won three games in a row for the first time all year! So May may (may may!) be worth an add if Oakland is actually gonna try to win some games this year.
Mike Moustakas – 2-for-3, HR (3). Yep, definitely forgot you were in the league. How ya been? Say hi to ya mother for me.
Nolan Jones – 0-for-2, run, 2 BB, SB (4). BUY. I’ve been trying to make NoJo happen for weeks and the fact that he has first base eligibility when first base is a barren wasteland filled with fire and ash where even light cannot escape, only makes him more intriguing.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-5, HR (5), 2 RBI. BUY. So apparently all the Pads needed to get going was a washed up slugger who can’t do anything but hit balls into seats. It sure looks purdy though. I’m guessing the Coors Field backdrop doesn’t hurt either. Definitely ride this while you can but beware the 0-for-30 stretch is just around the corner.
Fernando Tatis Jr. – 2-for-4, HR (12). Manny Machado, Brandon Dixon, and Trent Grisham also homered as five of the Dads 15 hits went yard. This is what we thought the San Diego offense would look like.
Yu Darvish – 5.1 IP, 5 hits, 4 ER, 4 BB, 6 K, 5th win. Friday I’m in Love with Yu. I mean this is about as good as you can expect at Coors Field right?
Marcus Stroman – 6.2 IP, 6 hits, ER, 4 BB, 5 K, 7th win. MaStro conducted another stellar performance and holds some pristine ratios 2.42 ERA, 1.04 WHIP. I owned him all over LAST year, of course, and I remember these 6-7 IP, 1 ER starts coming often but with a lot more disastrous blow ups peppered in between. Stro hasn’t had any blow ups this year but I’d be weary one is lurking. No jinxies!
Joc Pederson – 4-for-4, RBI. Batting .400 since returning from a hand injury, no not the Tommy Pham slap, his own hand!
Adbert Alzolay – 1.0 IP, 2 K, SV (3). Mark Leiter Jr. – 1.1 IP, 1 hit, 2 K, HD. At my most recent AAA (Adbert Alzolay Anonymous) meeting we talked about how Adbert has the potential to be a top of the line closer but Manager Ross prefers to use him in all high leverage situations. So Adbert is the clear cut best arm in this bullpen, but that doesn’t necessarily mean he’s going to get all the save chances. No wonder I drink so much.
Carlos Estevez – 1.0 IP, 1 hit, ER, BB, K, SV (17). He’s converted all 17 of his save chances. This team has a long history of some storied closers in the past, at least when they’ve had success. So yeah, I think having some stability in the ninth is a very good thing for the Halos!
Luis Castillo – 6.0 IP, 6 hits, 3 ER, BB, 10 K. 26 whiffs in this one! Not too shabby, combine that with a 2.70 ERA and 0.99 WHIP, uh, that’s a yes please and a thank you. Whatever prospects C-Attle sent to Cinnci for Luis and still kept Elly, good job!
Mickey Moniak – 1-for-3, HR (5). An absolute Moniak! He’s not as appealing when he’s not batting lead off sure, but Mickey says you can take your appealing and split!
Shohei Ohtani – 5.0 IP, 3 hits, 3 ER, 5 BB, 6 K, 3-for-4, HR (17). Well, of course, I started him at pitcher, how could I not! Owning Shohei is total stress I tells you. Talk about white people problems, that’s you feeling no sympathy for me. Will I ever make the right call on this? Probably not! But at least, at the end of the day, I still own Shohei Ohtani.
Alex Verdugo – 2-for-5. Was benched by Manager Cora Thursday for lack of hustle, but as someone who watches all the games he looks to me like the only player that actually gives a damn. I guess that’s why I’m not Mr. Manager?
Garrett Whitlock – 6.1 IP, 7 hits, ER. BB, 6 K, 3rd win. The first of what we hope is many storied match ups between the two Ge(a)rrit(t)s. Luckily in this one, Garrett with an A and two Ts was Whitlock’d down, in and loaded. Hard to recommend any Sawx starters right now, as they’re literally starting QAnon homophobes on team pride nights for no good reason other than they’re big dumb idiots who don’t check twitter. Also, why is the team doing whatever they can to make sure Corey Kluber is shamed out of his MLB contract? Still, the Judge-less Yankees who were I should mention again, without Aaron Judge, could not get anything going off Whitlock and he’s probably worth a stream next week in a juicy match up with Colorado. I know, my excitement is palpable.
Josh Donaldson – 1-for-4, HR (5). NGL this was a shot. The longest hit ball of the night at 450 feet. JD’s got four hits since coming off the IL, all homers. Still, if you’re thinking about adding Donaldson for help I’ma tell you “ur actin’ desperate,” “don’t be thirsty,” and to “quit simpin’.” But maybe…
Gerrit Cole – 6.0 IP, 7 hits, 2 ER, BB, 6 K, 1st loss. Well of course his first loss was coming from the Red Sox, off the Rafael Devers bomb no less. Natch. That’s Raffy’s seventh career homer off Cole and 16th RBI over the past two years. If I had an intern I’d make them research a more lopsided batter/pitcher rivalry than this one. I recall Goldschmidt really owning Tim Lincecum, but Devers/Cole might be one of the bigger ones I can remember. If you got better please share, but Devers son’d Cole again like a true daddy would, and thankfully it was just in time for Father’s Day.
Thanks for reading! Questions? Problems? Complaints to management? Advice, small gifts, or large bribes? Please leave it in the comments below. Join us next Saturday for another Friday recap as fantasy baseball continues next week, all week long!
