Cavan Biggio will be promoted today to join Vladimir Guerrero Jr. Soon, Bichette will join Guerrero and Biggio and the Jays’ master plan to reunite the 2005 All-Star Game in the luxury boxes will be complete. “How’s Darin Erstad Jr. look?” “More like Darin Ersatz!” “I don’t get it.” “Ersatz means an inferior substitute.” “Is that some thinking man’s humor? I don’t like that.” That was overheard in the Jays’ front office. Here’s what Prospect Mike said about Biggio this preseason, “At 23, Biggio had a solid 2018 campaign at Double-A. He hit .252 with 26 homers, 20 steals, and a walk rate of nearly 18%. He has the pedigree and patience to make it in the pros and the power to hit 20-25 homers, but he also strikes out a lot and I’m not sure what position he’ll end up at. This could mean he ultimately finds a role as a super-utility type like a Swiss Army knife. Speaking of which, anyone know where Grey is, I want to harvest his liver.” Okay, what now? This year, Biggio cut down on his Ks, and held his walks, hitting .306 in Triple-A, while adding in his usual mix of power and speed. I imagine he takes over for Sogard and hits leadoff. Sogard? So long! I added Biggio everywhere I could because I have a sickness for upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – Will also be called up. Yeah, okay, whatever. Did your dad play a pivotal role in the 2005 All-Star Game?! Hmm?!
Kevin Cron – Promoted by the Diamondbacks. You know how good your prospects are now by who they’re related to that either plays or used to play baseball. “Is he C.J. Cron’s son?” “Brother.” “Was C.J. Cron ever in the 2005 All-Star Game?” “Okay, shut up, Jays!” So Kevin Cron was going to be featured prominently later today in the Buy column, but here we are and he’s been called up. You thought C.J. Cron was a black sheep of managers around the major leagues because he hits 30 homers every year and then gets released, traded or benched the following year? We have a new disrespected member of the Cron family! About to start calling them the Cronerfields. “Hey,” pulls on collar, “We get no respect.” The Crons’ family picnic goes like this. “Did anyone bring the sandwiches?” “Yes, but the dog pissed on them then the dog ran away.” Crons’ Family Christmas Special, “Who brought the turkey?” “I did, but the turkey turned into a zombie and waddled out the oven door, hailed an Uber — without a cellphone! — and took off.” Damn, Crons, you are sad! So, why is Kevin Cron also receiving no respect from his team, the Diamondbacks? Because he’s just being called up and he has 21 homers with a .339 average in 44 games in Triple-A and he’s 26 years old! What more did he have to do? Well, I guess nothing now, but still, that they waited this long? No respect, I tell ya! Cron has a pretty big bat, and could sneak into 20+ homers in two-thirds of a season. His projections (as with all rookies) are at the Prospectonator.
Josh Naylor – Promoted by the Padres. And you thought today would be a light schedule! That’s me talking to myself. Naylor had 10 HRs in Triple-A with a .299 average in only 45 games, so ready, Freddy. However, playing time is an issue for Naylor (and possibly Cron). Naylor might be up just to DH in Toronto. Honestly, I have no idea where else he would play. 1st and bench Hosmer? No. I mean, you might want that to be the case, but no. Left field and bench Renfroe? Again, you can wish that into existence, but no.
Josh Bell – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .339. He may as well go to the plate every time, entering from the bullpen, because this is totally out of left field. If you asked Josh Bell if he was headed for a career high in homers in the preseason, he would’ve told you, “Really? How do I do that?” His own mother, Ma Bell, works for the phone company and is like, “I’m sorry, you’re breaking up, what’s that about my son getting that dong butter?”
Gregory Polanco – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .278. That’s in only 24 games. Someone got the memo that baseballs are dripping wet with juice.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (5) and legs (8), hitting .244. *adjusts headset microphone* “Hello, welcome to my Ted Talk. Is it Ted Talk or Ted Talks? Anyway, just wanted to say I’m not a fan of Marte. The Starling one. Does everyone like my black turtleneck?”
Charlie Blackmon – Left the game with a small issue with his calf. I guess that means he’s got a *pinkie to mouth* moo-moo.
Austin Riley – 3-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, because, of course he did. Or, rather he’s a handmaid and it’s Austin of Coors. Also, in this game, Tyler Flowers hit his 5th homer. The Braves’ home run hitters remind me of the bootleg DVD I have, Austin/Flowers: The Fly That Couldn’t Be Shagged.
Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.33 vs. Madison Bumgarner – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.10. These pitchers look like they’re been remarkably similar, but Bumgarner has been much better with an incredible spin rate. You don’t have a Spin Rate category in your league? Aw, shucks, neither do I.
Jorge Polanco – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .344. Too bad he’s going to finish behind Didi in All-Star Game voting.
Miguel Sano – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd and 4th homer, and has all four homers in the last week, because he just returned. Oh, you best believe he’ll be in this afternoon’s Buy column, and to add a little Grey stamp of approval, I’ve owned him all week in my RCL (12-team mixed league). So if I can make room in the middle of my stunods, I know you can.
C.J. Cron – 5-for-6, 3 runs and his 13th homer, hitting .278. If I know MLB managers, like I think I do, Cron will be released or benched before the next game.
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 9th and 10th homer, hitting .270. Someone asked yesterday Schoop or Cano? I’m not even sure it’s close. Is it close? This is like Brad Pitt or Gary Busey. I mean, they’re both white. Okay, maybe that’s not fair. Maybe it’s more like Skeet Ulrich or Johnny Deep. If you squint, they kinda look alike. But, yo, why you squinting? You need glasses?
Tommy La Stella – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .302. It’s getting to the point where I, swear to God, predicted he was going to homer. Call him by his full name, Tommy Launch Angle Stella.
Matt Harvey – 2 2/3 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 7.50.
— Razzball (@Razzball) May 23, 2019
Yandy Diaz – Hit the IL with a left hand contusion. Can’t he just swing his bicep at the ball?
Avisail Garcia – 1-for-5 and his 9th homer, and, like, his 12th homer this week. Damn, I really Mr. Bungled dropping him earlier this week. Definite hot schmotato, and, he’s one of those guys who has an aura of “will break out at any moment,” which might mean bacne or home runs. Maybe both.
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and his third homer in the last four games. Okay, it’s fair to point out yesterday was also about the Rays facing weak Indians pitching. That was something we all expected to hear in March!
Tommy Pham – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .290. Hoping for a matchup of Pham vs. Strahm so I can just scream around my house like I’m Sticky Fingaz from Onyx. By the way, who on earth would think a very gangster name was Sticky Fingaz? Sounds like you’re a wide receiver with too much Stickum. I wanna put Stickum on my tongue and place a Steakum on top of it for a Stick-yum. Hey, Sticky Fingaz, have you tried moistening your fingaz with baby oil?
Willy Adames – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, hitting .245. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but Adames has three homers in the last week, and the Rays are facing some scrub pitchers in Cleveland. That is so crazy still.
Dylan Bundy – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.67. The Yanks did Bundy a solid, which is to say they put out their #2 lineup, which was already their #2 lineup, due to injuries, so Bundy faced the Yanks’ 4th worst lineup. That’s two times two vs. two plus two, nerds!
Renato Nunez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer in two games, and third homer in four games and he’s about to go to Coors. This was also Rudy’s hitter to stream this week, due to the Hitter-Tron, if you remember back on Monday. This past Monday. You can’t even remember Thursday? Forget it. What am I saying, you already have.
Clint Frazier – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, and third homer in the last three games because: Orioles pitching. Frazier could’ve been in this afternoon’s Buy column, but I forgot to add him. Hey, at least, I’m honest. Honestly lazy! I snapped myself!
Luke Voit – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 12th homer, hitting .263. I checked out our Player Rater to see where Voit stood vs. other 1st basemen, and was shocked to find him running neck and neck with…Any guesses? Nah, not Alonso, Voit’s way behind him. Going into yesterday, he was running neck-and-neck with–Well, I should say running neck-and-thicc since it was Daniel Vogelbach.
Masahiro Tanaka – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Since Tanaka was able to work around Mancini and…*searching for another Orioles hitter to mention*…is that Russ Martin playing short? Oh, it’s Richie. Wait, the guy from Bon Jovi is playing short for the O’s? That’s kinda cool. I mean, great hair.
Anthony Rizzo – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .274. HR to the Izzo!
Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer as he hit leadoff. Yeah, that OBP tho, amiright? Actually, youiswrong, his OBP is much better hitting in the 6, 7 or 8 spots of the order. Don’t be putting logic into this, which is what Eminem should say about his songs.
Aaron Nola – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.53. Member those days when an ace could face any team and it didn’t matter? They’d just go out and throw a great game. Way back in the Roaring 2015’s when Vlad Jr. was 15. You’re old, my dude!
Jean Segura – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 3rd homer in the last nine games. Could’ve sworn he homered more often recently than that. He does have a 14-game hitting streak, so hold onto your coffee machine, Ghost DiMaggio!
J.T. Realmuto – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .273. Jerry Tomato loves hitting in Wrigley, huh? Thanks for asking, Clunky Intro Sentence! He has two homers in Wrigley with a .204 average. Eat a D, Confirmation Bias!
Corbin Martin – 3 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.97. Rookie pitchers, man, rookie pitchers. That’s deep, and palatable.
Lucas Giolito – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.77. Just mowed down the Astros like nbd. Not to harp on this, but Giolito is breaking out finally, right? Right, yes, he is. Look at how long it took him for it to connect. Not every pitcher is Chris Paddack. So, put that in your pipe that reads, “I love rookie pitchers,” and smoke it. Cool pipe, by the way, is that a corn cob?
Eloy Jimenez – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer. If this is him figuring things out A) It was less than 100 ABs! B) He could hit 30 homers the rest of the way! C) There’s no C!
Steve Pearce – 3-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Under his helmet, he wore his World Series cap and something just clicked.
Justin Smoak – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer and his 2nd homer in as many games. He won’t be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but where there’s Smoak, there’s a hot schmotato.
Garrett Cooper – 1-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, and he will be in this afternoon’s Buy column, but he’s here…now…*touches hand to your chest* I can feel your heartbeat, just like I can feel Cooper’s, so why don’t we stop fooling around and settle down? I just asked you to go steady. You as in Cooper, not you as in you! Stop touching my leg!
Trevor Richards – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.14. Richards might be the only pitcher who throws a changeup to setup a fastball, so, by essence of its name, doesn’t that make his fastball his changeup? *motions with hands an explosion next to my head*
Matthew Boyd – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.11. With so many pieces moving back and forth to keep track of, I find myself constantly confusing my thought on Turnbull and Boyd. Turnbull is not that good, and will continue to regress; Boyd, on the other hand — were we using hands? — has some sparkling peripherals — 10.8 K/9, 1.9 BB/0, 3.52 xFIP.
Shane Greene – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.29, but blew the save when he gave up five unearned runs. Holy ticker shock! All I saw was the Marlins scored five runs in the 9th and I was halfway out of my 1st floor window when I saw Greene’s runs were unearned.
Stephen Strasburg – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.25. The Nats’ starting rotation should pool their money together and go out and sign Kimbrel. Seriously, what would happen if the players were like, “We’re going to each give two million dollars each, and we want Kimbrel?” That’s like when you were younger and your mom would take you out for Mother’s Day and she’d pay, and by ‘younger’ I mean two weeks ago.
Juan Soto – 3-for-3, 2 runs, and a homer short of the cycle, and a 7-game hitting streak. Sexy Dr. Pepper got his head on a Sodastream and is percolating!
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 12 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.63. Matz tied his users to the WHIPping post, but I’m glad I didn’t watch this game. Lots of baserunners sends my blood pressure through the roof like I’m David Simon on Twitter.
Carlos Gomez – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1), hitting .188. Gomez makes up one part of the Mets’ crapumvirate outfield of Davis, Gomez and Lagares. Could be worse, the Davis in left could be Rajai and not J.D. Sorry, King, but what are you, 47 years old? The Mets’ outfield of Rajai, Carlos Gomez and Lagares should be on a reality show for finding the best defense with the worst bat called The Biggest LUZR.
Jeff McNeil – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. I guess Jeff can’t play while McNeil’ing.
Robinson Cano – Hit the IL with a quad strain. He hurt himself running to first, which has him befuddled because he swears he warmed up properly before the game by doing laps, which means he wrapped himself in a Snuggie and had Mr. Met drive him around the park in the bullpen cart.