At the Vatican, staring at the Sistine Chapel, and Michelangelo’s Creation of Adam. Because I’ve been staring at so long, Adam morphs from bare-chested to having a Cardinals’ jersey. His, uh, lower half grows into a bat and God is not touching his finger anymore, but tossing him a meatball. An Italian man next to man yells, “Mama mia, God is throwing Joshua Baez a meatball!” I turn and ask, “You see it too?” And the Italian man says, “Of course I see! I am in your dream with you!” I wake in a sweat. That was the weirdest dream, I dreamt Joshua Baez was called up and all he did was start hitting home runs off God. Wait, I am not talking metaphorically! He was called up and he did start hitting dongs! As I said in my Buy column featuring Joshua Baez about a month ago, “Joshua Baez could be the best rookie, in general. Basically, Murakami, a top 20 player when he was healthy, or Joshua Baez? That’s pretty good company.” And that’s me quoting me! That’s still true. There’s only six weeks left, but Joshua Baez could lead the majors in homers from now until the end of the season. Could he also lead the majors in strikeouts? Yes, it’s possible. In the minors this year, he went 34/21/.256 with a 29.5 K%. If he comes close to that in the majors, he’s a top 20 player for a decade. If the Ks balloon, he might hit .180. Oh, yeah, and he hit three homers in his first game and 0-for-4 yesterday. The best and worst of both outcomes. Not bad for someone I created out of a dream. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.48. It’s all coming up McGreevy! Streamonator doesn’t like his next one, and I don’t trust him, but I haven’t trusted him all year and he’s been a solid so [blows kazoo].
Alec Burleson – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer. Twenty-one homers? Baez can do that in a week.
Jordan Walker – 3-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 24th homer. Walker was like Santa’s Little Helper when he was trying to get attention back by walking on his hind legs after the Simpsons get new puppies (Baez).
Matthew Boyd – 5 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.02. I realize in my metaphor in the opening Boyd would be God in this scenario, but I thought of it like this, “You have to be very pedantic to argue with nonsense on a fantasy baseball site,” so I left it.
Edward Cabrera – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.68 as he was activated from the IL. Wild to think I’d prefer an Uber driven by Randy Dobnak than EdCab.
Pete Crow-Armstrong – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer. I’m ready to crown him NL MVP. Is this the only way to jinx him? Ha, don’t be ridiculous! (Possibly.)
Dansby Swanson – Will go on the IL with an oblique injury. He swung the bat, missed a pitch and seemed to hurt himself. A non-contact injuries are always the worst. Well, besides contact injuries.
Cam Schlittler – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.19. One mistake the Yankees are making is not going to the Dodgers’ playbook and pretending Schlittler has an injury to throttle his innings. Opening up Dodgers’ playbook, “Um, Schlittler has a green thumb. Might be a Chia pet. Needs two weeks off.”
Ben Rice – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 33rd homer. Rice-a-HRoni!
Ryan Weathers – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.56. Went through an early summer fade (5.55 ERA in June), but has bounced back nicely. 1.00 ERA in 18 IP in August and was 3.71 ERA in July, but excellent for last five starts.
Dylan Cease – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.42. AL Cy Young preview this weekend in Toronto, and I just looked at ESPN’s Cy Young predictor for AL, and had to double check I wasn’t holding my computer upside down:
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – Hit the 7-day concussion IL. He started showing signs, feeling woozy, when he looked at his season-long stats.
Troy Melton – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 1.71. Don’t you dare regress now. I have too much on the line!
Colt Keith – 2-for-2, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .269. He has two more homers than Vlad Jr. [applies Joker makeup]
Drew Anderson – 5 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.01. Streamonator loved this start, and I also secretly like Anderson. He’s one of the few starters currently out-pitching his ERA.
Munetaka Murakami – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 28th homer, 2nd homer in three games. Get hot, you ess oh bee!
Miguel Vargas – 1-for-4 and his 28th homer, and his third homer in three games. All Vargas, no brakes!
Sean Burke – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 3.15. Similar to what I said for Anderson, Burke has shockingly solid underlying numbers — 9.9 K.9, 2.7 BB/9, though he does allow a decent amount of hard contact and fly balls.
Logan Webb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.50. Webb gem!
Rafael Devers – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 25th homer. Devers delivers!
Adael Amador – 1-for-1, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Oh, look who it is, a Rockies rookie who we were excited about three years ago! Hey, Rockies rookie who we were excited about three years ago, say hello to your mother for me! He went 11/11/.266 this year with a 11.2 K% in the minors, and I don’t know what his playing time will be for the Rockies.
Brett Sullivan – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 3rd homer this week, and the Rockies are home all week and Goodman is banged up. Picking up what I’m putting down? No, that’s a rock. I didn’t put that down.
Freddy Peralta – 4 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.27. If I were the Mets’ pitching coach, I’d be conveniently showing replays of FreddyKBB on the Rays in the Mets’ front office. “Oh, what’s this? Freddy still stinks? Huh, weird. I thought it was me, guess not!”
Ian Seymour – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.11 vs. Kyle Bradish – 6 IP, 2 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.65. This matchup was billed as, “Seymour by the seashore vs. Bradish ran away with the spoon.” (Working the 12 and under crowd.)
Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. He had a 1.81 ERA last year. I don’t know why I just thought of that. Guess I just wanted a laugh. Jokey Smurf’ing people this year with expectations.
Colton Cowser – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and his 2nd in three games and 3rd homer in a week. Everyone in the O’s system has generational fall-offsies and Cowser is no different (hitting .217 with 11 HRs, oof), but Cowser seems like a schmotato, if nothing else.
Eury Perez – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (5 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 3.23. Like Ted says about my walks that go about fifty feet and last three minutes, don’t love those walks.
Heriberto Hernandez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 18th homer, 2nd homer in four games. More of that! Her-Her! Though, Her-Her seems to be becoming a bit of a donkey with the strikeouts.
Nick Lodolo – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.52. Wow, what a delight, one straight solid start.
Joey Cantillo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.80. If he ever unlocks his command, he’s going to be a 2.70 ERA, Cy Young contender with the most mediocre of stuff. Well, his change is good. Though, he throws it with a 91 MPH fastball, which is a bit of a head scratcher.
Luis Rengifo – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Is it too early to talk about Rengifo for the Hall of Fame? No? Hmm, tough audience. Also, in this game, Jake Cronenworth (1-for-5) hit his 4th homer; Gavin Sheets (1-for-3) hit his 16th homer and Jase Bowen (1-for-1) hit his 2nd homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “This home run parlay was worth a billion dollars because no one in the right mind would ever guess these four would ever home run in the same game.”
Casey Mize – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.18. Still seems a little off from when he was on the Tigers, but can’t argue with the results in this game, otherwise you are a lunatic yelling at a box score.
Jake Burger – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Burger’s gonna eat!
Tyler Soderstrom – Hit the IL with a hip impingement. Oh no, my beautiful A’s. [camera pulls back to see I’m looking at my ass] They recalled Darell Hernaiz, one of the least interesting emulsifications. Mayonnaise, hollandaise, Hernaiz. That order.
Lawrence Butler – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and four homers this week. Just had a thought because Burger and Butler both homered in this game. A dumb waiter but for burgers! Is that something? Hmm, will think on it. Any hoo! Butler’s clearly a hot schmotato.
Zack Gelof – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 3rd homer this week, and now playing left. Can’t the A’s play every game in Bing Bong? Home and away? Please?
Tommy White – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 1st homer. I like Tommy White for average, and he’s now playing 1st for the A’s, so I can’t spend much time on him because he’ll remind me too much of Kurtz. I’m weeped out!
Reid Detmers – 8 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.78. Yeah, eff off, Mike Maddux!
Michael Massey – 3-for-4 and his 11th homer, 2nd homer of the weekend. Hot schmotato alert!
Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer. I love the joys de Witt and the Ropers!
Noah Cameron – 9 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.16. That’s a pretty good start. I kid, it’s amazing! I wrote a Noah Cameron sleeper this past offseason, I love him. Again for emphasis: I love him! He’s so underrated. With all of that said, one hit, and one walk and eight strikeouts, how many pitches do you think he threw? Under 100, of course, right? But how many? 85? 90? 95? I’m rope-and/or-doping you! He threw 115 pitches! Did Denzer Guzman foul off 30 pitches? What the heck? Is that the most pitches thrown for someone who only allowed two baserunners?
Hayden Wesneski – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.16. Good news is he only allowed one walk. Bad news is everything else. Call him Hayden Wasbadnewski.
Hunter Brown – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.67. Ya know where we’re headed here, right? See Hunter Greene’s 2026 for Brown’s 2027.
Emerson Hancock – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.30. Hancock feels under-appreciated. If you have him, you picked him up off waivers and got around a top 40 starter for free. Hancock the original freebie.
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-3 and his 13th homer. Watching this game, and all I can think is why is Yordan in left field? Do they really want him to get hurt again? Raleigh’s home run ball just cleared the fence and there was Yordan banging into the wall. Put him at DH. For the love of Giancarlo, put him at DH.
Randy Arozarena – 2-for-5 and his 17th homer, third homer this week. The Rice Bowl runneth over!
Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.10, but pulled with shoulder soreness. Woo with a boo-boo.
Justin Wrobleski – 6 IP, 4 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.56, and hit the IL with a made-up injury. When Wrobleski heard he was injured, he asked, “Why does my locker say Glasnow?”
Max Muncy – 1-for-3 and his 24th homer. Max the Munciest!
Tarik Skubal – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.85. As a winner of the Skub-stakes in an NL-Only league, is this. Dot dot dot. excellence?
Jacob Misiorowski – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.75. They’re not going to get easily rolled in the playoffs. It’s going to take some work. But the Dodgers look very beatable. Misiorowski multiple times in a playoff series is going to be trouble.
Logan Henderson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.70. I cannot wait to draft Brew Rasmussen next year. I’m gonna draft both Rassmussens. Watch me now! [does a dance move and hurts back] I’m good! Just let me sit.
Luis Torrens – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in three games, and was in Friday’s Buy column. What a flex!
Kodai Senga – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 7.79, and his 3rd save. Shruggy the Emoji with an over-exaggerated shrug. SAGNOF, I suppose.
Abimelec Ortiz – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, and he was in Friday’s Buy too. That’s five homers in 14 games. That’s pretty good! Yes, he’s going to pass Vlad Jr. in homers by next week. So what!
Kody Clemens – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, 2nd homer in a week. Rocket Jr. sounds like Jimmy Neutron’s best friend, and the Neutron Dance was The Pointer Sisters, which was written by Allee Willis, whose house I was over once and said, “Whatchu talkin’ about Willis?” and she said, “Wow, I haven’t heard that in a while.”
Brooks Lee – 1-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 18th homer. Be Water be sneaky valuable.
Alec Bohm – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer, and a five-hit game on Saturday, and a cease and desist on Friday from his mom to stop spending his money so she could steal more of it.
Patrick Sandoval – 4 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.76. Patrick bait, man, and murdered my ratios. At one point, he grimaced and was visited by the trainer, but seemed fine. I mean, besides the awful line.
Jared Jones – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.78. Streamonator actually liked this start of his, which is something I didn’t think I’d see, but hates his next one, and I wouldn’t touch him.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.71. EdRod’s nickname should be, “Wallace Shawn saying inconceivable.”
Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-4 and his 9th homer, and a ten-game hitting streak. We have time to decide if it should carry over to 2027 to break Joe D.’s record.
Michael Soroka – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.93. You know that candy, Almond Roca? It’s delicious. I call it Michael Soroka. If you don’t know Almond Roca, then cool, you’re our one reader under the age of 25.
Nolan Arenado – Out with trunk discomfort. Doctors were looking at his trunk like:
Matt Olson – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and a slam (36) and legs (3). Negative one homer to go!
Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.92. Deserved the win. Not him. Well, maybe him, but I was talking about me. Though, I guess he would’ve needed to get the win for me to get it. By the way, Tommy John, owner of 288 wins, passed away this weekend. He should be in the Hall of Fame. Incredibly dumb that he’s not. Again, he has 288 wins! No one may ever get 200 wins again! He threw 4710 1/3 IP with an ERA of 3.34. 200 IP in a season of that would be solid, he did that for like 24 seasons! What are we doing here? Stupid! Anyway, RIP, and the John family asked that in lieu flowers, send your ulnar collateral ligament.
Grant Holmes – 3 2/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.82. To do that to a guy with Holmes’s hair should be illegal. Do you have no shame with how you mistreat the Holmes jheri curl? Rick James is rolling over in his grave (from all the coke he did; common side effect is rolling over in a grave 20+ years after dying. Seriously, if you put your ear to the ground by his grave you can hear him spinning.)
