Not that long ago, I remember hearing a story. One I will recount for you here, but you can’t tell anyone else. Promise? Okay, there was this guy Brandon Bielak, and he was real into attachment parenting and had to put up with his stupid father, Nick, and dopey brothers, Tony and Joey Lawrence — Whoa. Well, the Teen Beat on, and I’m reading this from an old TV Guide with Miss Piggy on the cover, can you tell? Brandon Bielak is an enigma. Nothing exists on him, besides Matt Roush’s blurbs. Confession Alert! I used to collect TV Guides. What an absolute nerd. Any hoo! Bielak was found on waivers by me (or was it in an abandoned refrigerator — wait, wrong show), and he went 5 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.76. He works with a 94 MPH fastball, and a ton of secondary pitches with the curve hooking hard, and looking especially nice. He’s very serviceable, bordering on more. He could be a back-end fantasy starter for years to come. Now, I’ve streamed this guy a few times, and Streamonator thinks Bielak next start is even better — with no Big Bang in sight. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Pressly – 1 IP, 1 ER, and another blown save, ERA at 9.82. Put him in the shizzbox with all the other pitchers I keep pointing out that are obviously not right that is clear as day, but their teams keep trotting them out. Pressly is hurt and/or a scrub, but let Scrubb close!
Giancarlo Stanton – Has a Grade 1 hamstring strain. The good news is that’s the least severe strain. The bad news is he’ll likely strain something else while rehabbing his hamstring.
Clint Frazier – Was called up and didn’t play. As discussed on the podcast yesterday, Frazier might be the first Yankees redhead. Though, the book is out on Red Ruffing because of black and white photography. I’d be shocked if Frazier gets everyday at-bats, but is worth grabbing in some deeper leagues if he does.
Jordan Montgomery – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.17. Line doesn’t indicate it, but he pitched a solid game. Was only beat by a home run to OZUNA (his 4th). OZUNA make love to your Jo-Mo’mery. Streamonator doesn’t love Jo-Mo’mery’s next start, but it’s borderline, and I could see it.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 9th homer. He was pulled from the game early, because Aaron Boone wanted to scare the shizz out of his owners.
Zack Britton – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.35, and his 6th save. Hey, ‘member Aroldis tested negative and was good to go like 10 days ago? Whatever happened there?
Touki Toussaint – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 7.27. Touki did it all and Fred Durst called it dookie.
Ronald Acuña Jr. – Out with a sore wrist, and will have it examined today. Bro, I am not having a good time.
Ken Giles – Jays said he’s recovering well and could be throwing soon. Best case scenario, he returns in about three weeks. Worst case scenario, he returns in three weeks and completely destroys your ratios, then goes back to the IL. That might be the most realistic scenario too.
Anthony Bass – 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.86. He got beat by Marlins catcher, Francisco Cervelli. Think that sounds weird? The game was in Buffalo with fans standing on the highway to watch. Overheard: “Hey, you think this is safe?” “Yes, we’re wearing masks.” “I mean standing on the on-ramp.” As nature intended, a Bass was beaten by a Marlin. Luckily, the Jays won’t be facing the Mariners.
Bo Bichette – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .286. Larry Walker must be proud of Dante’s son. Because Larry’s from Canada, not because Larry looked after Dante’s main squeeze on long road trips. C’mon.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. If you own Ryu and started him here, be very thankful. The wind was whipping and that stadium looks like the Hackensack Bulls’ park. Without the luxuries, Montgomery Brewster lavished on his team too.
Austin Romine – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .308. I’m a Romine owner, lettuce rejoice.
Tim Anderson – 1-for-4, 2 runs as he was activated from the IL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “I forgot my mask at home, so that’s why I’m wearing a slice of bologna.”
Edwin Encarnacion – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 2nd homer as he returned to the lineup after a week. I truly believe Edwin could wake up from a 14-year slumber and homer.
Eloy Jimenez – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .233. My boy Eloy!
Max Scherzer – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.75. For a guy coming off a great game and an under-3 ERA, it doesn’t completely track, but he doesn’t look himself. Just not as overpowering.
Trea Turner – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many–WHERE ARE THE STEALS?! I have literally everyone else on my team for power. Steal a base!
Andrew Kittredge – Left the game with a sore elbow after five pitches. One of the shortest episodes of Mr. Kittredge that PBS has ever produced.
Michael Brosseau – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in the last three games. Fun Fact! “Dude” and “gnarly” are things Brosseau.
Austin Hays – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer, hitting .214. Hays has been far from what I expected of him in the preseason, all 15 months of it, but there’s time and I still like Hays a lot. Cyclops with a monocle, if nothing else.
Bryce Harper – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .324, and 2nd homer in as many games. The bats are starting to heat up, which is what was heard in a kitchen right before we got in this mess.
Zack Wheeler – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Was expecting more vs. the ‘more. So…smores? Screw it, let’s munchie!
Kris Bubic – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.40. A Bubic plague on your team.
Jesse Winker – 2-for-2 and his 2nd homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Is he available in leagues? He prolly shouldn’t be, but if he is then hot schmotato alert!
Matt Davidson – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Game Show Host, Matt Davidson, caught Covid, was out for two weeks, returned and went right back in the lineup. Aristides Aquino can’t even catch a break.
Yonder Alonso – Traded to the Padres as he reunites with his brother-in-law, Manny Machado, last seen at Thanksgiving dinner. Why does it feel like Yonder wants to be friends with Manny so bad, and Manny’s sister is like, “He likes you, be nice to him.”
Kirby Yates – Missed Monday and Tuesday’s game because of general soreness. Ironically, that’s one level below Major Pain. I’d grab Drew Pomeranz (recorded his 4th save), if in need of saves, and, really, who isn’t in need of saves.
Manny Machado – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .232. This might be his last home run now that Yonder’s watching his every move. That’s gonna make for fun road trips!
Garrett Richards – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.74. Would’ve drafted him in every league in February if I had known it was going to be a 60-game season. Incredibly, I did not know that. Go figure.
Ryan Braun – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL. He recovered from an infection in his index finger and vows to find a different way to relieve himself of wedgies.
Manny Pina – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st and 2nd homer, hitting .368. Hey, there’s a pandemic, so how is there a Jimmy Buffett concert? Because we’re drinking up Manny Pinas!
Eddie Rosario – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 5th and 6th homer, and three homers in the last two games. Always criminally underappreciated. Not sure why. Pretty similar to Nelson Cruz, in that respect. Maybe it’s a Minnesota thing, but Joe Mauer used to be crazy overrated, so don’t think that’s it.
Byron Buxton – 3-for-4 and his 1st steal, hitting .262, and has three homers in the last week. Don’t love Buxton, but I see comments about him. At worst, he’s a top 40 outfielder, which is rosterable everywhere.
Nolan Arenado – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Wow, I can’t believe I found this AT&T stock certificate from 1938, it must be worth a fortune! I’m just going to leave it carelessly by this open window–NOOOOOO! Torenado!
Charlie Blackmon – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBI, hitting .500. Don’t bother defrosting Ted Williams’s frozen head, just chuck it in the bin.
Kyle Freeland – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.45 vs. Zac Gallen – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.74. As if we didn’t have enough signs of the apocalypse, now we have Coors pitching duels.
Mike Minor – 4 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.49, as he threw 76 pitches. There was no injury. He was just on a pitch count. One that Nolan Ryan could hit at the age of 73.
Joe Musgrove – Hit the IL with triceps inflammation. Joe Musgo? Joe Musgrief? Okay, will work on it and report back first thing.
Mike Clevinger – Placed on restricted list with Plesac. They’re going to be in quarantine for at least 72 hours. Their quarantine is a Cinco de Mayo theme and they’re gonna be doing tequila shots with twelve of their closest friends. Scratch that, hearing now they can’t have a party in quarantine, and will be returning their Quarantinceañera signs.
Anthony Rendon – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Put away the smelling salts. Rendon doesn’t need them anymore.
Ramon Laureano – 1-for-3. He was suspended for six games, and will appeal. Mean’s while, Joe Kelly was suspended for eight games for making faces. Suspension protocols are as firmly set as Covid protocols. And, if you want to come at me with, “Grey, you’re super handsome but Joe Kelly could’ve killed an Astros player with a beaner to the melon.” Joe Kelly has no control, and never hit anyone. But if you want to go on that ‘Kelly tried to commit murder’ narrative, then why wasn’t he suspended for longer than Alex Cintron? Surely you have to think attempted murder is worse than starting a fight, and, yes, I called you Shirley.