Alec Mills (9 IP, 0 ER, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.93) threw a no hitter for everyone who is like, “I hit 66 on the speed gun, ya think I can be a major league pitcher?” Alec Mills threw a no hitter for everyone who ever said to themselves, “I look kinda like a landscaper for a Target parking lot, but am unemployed. Maybe I can pitch in the bigs.” Alec Mills threw a no hitter for everyone who once said, “I’d make a pretty mediocre minor leaguer, but am already on the 40, and the Cubs haven’t promoted a prospect in five years, so maybe I can pitch for the Cubs all year.” Alec Mills threw a no hitter for the one guy who woke yesterday and said, “I’m going to have the best day of my life today,” but not the person who said that, and thought eating a whole bowl of nacho cheese was their best day ever. Alec Mills, while not a great major league pitcher, like that man who ate the whole bowl of nacho cheese, had himself a great day. Going forward for him, I’d use the Streamonator, so that’s a pass. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Anthony Rizzo – 0-for-6, 4 Ks, hitting .205, including one 0-fer against Orlando Arcia, who was up there throwing 45 MPH to make Alec Mills’s 66 MPH junk look fast. 0-for-Sixes to the Izzo makes me want to vomit and drop him to waivers.

Dean Kremer – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.64 vs. Jordan Montgomery – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Dean vs. Jordan was a Worthy matchup and not much McAdoo about nothing. Going forward for all pitchers at this point I’m only worried about what Streamonator thinks about anyone.

John Means – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.63 vs. J.A. Happ – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96. This matchup was billed as J.A./Means Just Apricot. Natural sugars are really where it’s at, tee bee aitch. Also, Happ has a better ERA than Max Scherzer, Patrick Corbin and Stephen Strasburg, so enjoy that little nugget of mind poison.

Renato Nunez – 2-for-4 and his 11th homer, hitting .251. I’d love nothing more to stick my head out a window and scream Renato’s a hot schmotato, but my window’s closed and dude has not done much recently.

Daulton Jefferies – 2 IP, 5 ER as he was called on Saturday to make his 1st major league start. Jefferies has appeared in three straight prospects to stash lists by Sir Itch-a-Lot. Itcher Brooski (legal name) said previously, “(Daulton’s) got plus command of a solid three-pitch repertoire featuring a plus changeup. I think he could be good right away and visibly better than the modest expectations associated with his prospect pedigree, and Grey’s pedigree is dumb.” Okay, not cool. I wouldn’t mess with Jefferies this year.

Matt Chapman – Hit the IL, and needs season-ending hip surgery. How long does it take to recover from that? Not joking, seriously asking. Hello, anyone? This speech-to-text feature works fine, but Ask Jeeves sucks. Okay, after an old-fashioned googling, Chapman might miss a few weeks of next season. A few years back, Buster Posey had a similar surgery and was out late-August to Opening Day.

Vimael Machin – Was called up to start at 3rd base in place of Chapman. I used to have an acupuncturist I called Ma Chin, I wonder if they’re related. What a lovely lady who I briefly considered having an affair with but she was 107 years old. Any hoo! His minor league stats are egregious and I’m passing. Unlike Ma Chin, who I made a pass.

Jake Lamb – Signed by the A’s to play 3rd after hearing my Ma Chin story and decided they wanted to move on quickly.

Tommy La Stella – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 5th homer, hitting .277, as he played 3rd base while the A’s distance themselves from my Ma Chin story.

Frankie Montas – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 5.86. I saw Montas’s line vs. the Rangers and I was like who could’ve possibly hit him, then I saw and I was just as confused.

Rougned Odor – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, and his third homer in three games. When he gets hot, Odor gets funky. Also, I’d pick him up.

Lance Lynn – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.40. Way past this point, but imagine the White Sox (or any contender) traded for Lynn, they’d be immediate World Series contenders.

Cristian Javier – 2 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.22 as he entered in relief. Dusty forgetting Javier’s supposed to be a two-start starter this week is either classic Dusty (rooting for this one) or Javier had a throw day in the middle of a game.

Mookie Betts – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. Mookie Best!

A.J. Pollock – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. How many Pollocks does it take to hit ten homers? One, apparently.

Chris Taylor – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in the last two games, and, yo, where’s Gavin Lux? Anyone see him? Can we get some coordinates?

Johnny Cueto – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.78. Alex Dickerson had a false positive for Covid and the Padres/Giants didn’t play Friday and Saturday. Ya know what’s crazy? I said the MLB should figure out better testing in July when they were getting false positives during Summer Camp, and here we are with two weeks left of the season and Manfred is still farting into his hand and smelling it. Very cool stuff.

Kevin Gausman – Hit the IL with elbow tightness. It’s weird to only play six weeks, then have guys start shutting it down for the season, but there’s nothing normal about this season. These last two weeks are going to be an absolute adventure trying to find arms for your fantasy teams.

Wil Myers – 2-for-6, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .296. If he wants that MVP, he better step up his game, Adam Duvall is running away with it. All totally normal stuff.

Ian Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER 1 hit, 3 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.64. Where does the line start to draft Anderson in 2021? Back behind the line to draft Paddack in 2020? Are you being sarcastic? That ain’t cool.

Adam Duvall – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, and 10th homer in the last 14 games. I can’t be any more furious at Adam Duvall. He could’ve wished for the end of Covid, but instead wished to hit lots of homers. Way to care about humankind, jerko.

Ozzie Albies – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Next year there should be absolutely no discount on Albies. He’s so talented and this year was just a goof. Will there still be a discount? I think so. Cha-ching.

Max Scherzer – 5 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.04. The Washington Baseball Team is a mess this year, but it might be the best thing to happen for Corbin, Scherzer and Strasburg. Limit their innings, let them get healthy for next year.

Spencer Howard – Hit the IL with shoulder stiffness. Sounds like someone needs muscle relaxers and a shot of vermouth. Howard’s done until next year. Move on, not-so-young man, move on.

J.T. Realmuto – Will undergo an MRI on Monday, and hide the results if they’re bad because homeboy’s trying to make some duckets in the offseason free agent market.

Sixto Sanchez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.69. When I watch Sixto pitching, I blow kisses at the TV, is that weird? Okay, what if it’s normal and you’re weird?

Braxton Garrett – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks in his major league debut. They’ve greenlit a Facts of Life remake with Mrs. Garrett being played by Toni Braxton?! *intern whispers in my ear* I see. Well, that’s disappointing. So, this why the Marlins keep trading away all their great pitching prospects. They have like five of them waiting in the wings. For Braxton Garrett info there’s Prospect Itch’s Miami Marlins fantasy prospects. For this year, I don’t think we see him again, nor would I trust him.

Brad Keller – 9 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.06. Brad Keller’s going to get Cy Young votes and I will now cackle like a madman for the next twenty minutes. *Cackles for five seconds* Meh, got bored of that.

Salvador Perez – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .333. Now has multiple hits in his three games since returning from his eye issue. After about a month, the optometrist told him his eyes were 20/20, and he was like, “No, any year but 2020!”

Hunter Dozier – 3-for-3, 3 runs and his 6th homer, hitting .261. Sonavabench! Don’t even ask why I had him benched, because, honestly, I have no idea. I think I was trying to max all those stupid alluring 7-inning doubleheaders even though hitters only get like an extra two at-bats, assuming they’re not benched for one of the games. What a rip!

Dakota Hudson – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at…Guess. This was one good start, right? Okay, what if I told you his ERA is 2.92, and better than Zac Gallen? Would that move your proverbial needle?

Brian Goodwin – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. Then replacing him was Aristides Aquino, who hit his 1st homer. Let the GGOATOAT roam!

Eugenio Suarez – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .211. The average is gonna be a woof from me, dawg, but five straight games of two hits and he’s hitting .250 and doing exactly what you hoped from him, so easy on the woofing.

Sonny Gray – Hit the IL with a mid-back strain. Well, that explains why he was so bad in his last two starts. Now I’d like an explanation why he made those starts and didn’t just sit out rather than ruining my fantasy teams. I will take the answer off the air.

Tyler Glasnow – 7 IP, 4 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.47. Where is he being drafted next year? Still high with people expecting him to suddenly go 7+ IP every start and have a manageable ERA or did the people who drafted him this year get sufficiently scared?

Ji-Man Choi – Hit the IL with a Grade 1 strain of his hamstring. Bye-Man Choi.

Charlie Morton – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.14. See no reason to be owning Morton for these abbreviated starts. Don’t need no short-game man.

Christian Arroyo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Roll ’em R’s for Arroyo and grab him for the hot schmotato goodness!

Yairo Munoz – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 1st steal, hitting .382, hitting leadoff, has had a hit in every game except one in the last eight games, and I picked him up in one mixed league. What else do you need? (Hopefully nothing, because that’s all I have.)

Zach Plesac – 7 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.20. Someone wishes they went over to their friend Bungo’s for an unmasked party rather than make this start.

Triston McKenzie – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.91. The Regression Fairies love Glow Up on Netflix (so do I, if I’m being honest), and they will destroy your ratios.

Nelson Cruz – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer. It’s gonna be so cool seeing Nelson Cruz and Pujols challenge Bonds’s home run record when they’re both in their 60s.

Ryan Jeffers – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and third homer in his last five games. I’m not too embarrassed to admit I put in a waiver claim for Jeffers dropping Roberto Perez, which will 100% backfire on me.

Nolan Arenado – Missed yesterday with a sore AC joint and it’s bothered him all year, which might account for his poor year by his standards. Not sure why one needs an AC when they have Torenados to circulate the air. Could prolly get that thing removed.

Andrew Heaney – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.02 vs. Ryan Castellani – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 6 walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.46. If you started one or both of these guys in Coors, let me ask you something, do you carry your oversized pants grapes in two bowling ball bags?

Kevin Ginkel – Was optioned to the alternate training site. In the lead for the Diamondbacks’ one save the rest of the year will be Stefan Crichton. Why Crichton? It’s a mystery.

Zac Gallen – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 3.15. He started his career with 25 straight Quality Starts until his last start, then this start happened and Zac Gallen is broken. Hope you’re happy.

Dee Strange-Gordon – 1-for-4 and his 2nd steal. Recently, he changed his last name to Strange-Gordon. Guess that’s better than acting strange and changing it to Tony Plush.

Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Impressive move to AL this year. Not because of the DH, because that’s everywhere, but pitching in Buffalo Wild Winds Stadium has to take its toll. Well, no toll, because you can’t leave the country.

Lourdes Gurriel Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. On a related note, Gurriel’s the best junior in the Jays’ lineup. What happened to Vlad Jr.? Is he, dare I say, overrated?

Bo Bichette – 0-for-4 as he was activated from the IL on Saturday. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “No, I don’t think I had it upside down. The infrared thermometer said my temperature was 9.86. I should go home and get under the blankets.”

Robbie Ray – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 6.85 vs. Seth Lugo – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.63. Robbie Ray out-pitched Seth Lugo to prove the point that nothing in 2020 is predictable. Way to go, Ray. You made a point that was made already by a pandemic, you big dummy.

Jeff McNeil – Left yesterday’s game with gastrointestinal discomfort. This comes only a few days after Aaron Boone announced that Aroldis Chapman crapped himself on the mound as he closed a game. Today’s roundup was brought to you by Gravy Leg. I bet McNeil will be grateful to get back to Flushing.