Texas Wallops And deGromit Claymate The Guardians

Yesterday, Arlington played like it never plays. Like a hitters’ park. Well, it played that way for the Rangers, at least. Jacob deGrom (6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18) had no problem. Took him 260 starts and 13 years to get 100 wins. This was win 101, and now he’s going to get his next 200 wins all this year. Don’t ask me how, use your imagination. Rangers got it started with Justin Foscue (1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) with his 3rd homer. Everyone, actually, should request a trade out of Texas. What an awful park for hitting. You go to Statcast where it says how many homers a guy would hit if he were in another park and it’s like Justin Foscue has three homers in Arlington and 78 homers in Coors. Josh Jung (2-for-4, 3 runs) hit his 8th homer. Jung should request a trade to the Yanks. They’d be such a perfect fit I can’t believe I had to think of it. Can’t you people do shizz on your own? Then Wyatt Langford (1-for-4) hit his 2nd homer. Well, he’s doubled Tatis’s total. I’ll give him that. Langford was activated from the IL on Friday, that means [doing rough math] he’ll be IL’d for a quad injury in three weeks. Finally, Michael Helman (1-for-4) hit his 1st homer. He’s a name brand Coby Mayo. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:

Joey Cantillo – 5 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.57. Oh my God, I was actually saved by his matchup in first start last week. I would’ve started him in Texas, but @NYY was too scary. Thank you, brain! I’m sorry sometimes I spell you as Brian.

Tanner Bibee – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Nice start, but he’s become incredibly mediocre in the last two years. Streamonator loves his next one, and I guess I can see it, but I am not a fan, if you can’t tell. Then again, I did like his opponent, Jack Leiter (4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.69), and look at that atrociousness.

LuJames Groover – 1-for-3 as he was called up by the DBacks. Someone this weekend asked me if I would pick up LuGaJu or LuJames Groover, and I have to admit, I thought they were effin’ with me. So, I went about my day, and I get emails from my leagues to see who was picked up and dropped (easier for me to track who’s available and being picked up then checking each league’s waivers), and I saw someone bid $11 out of $100 on LuJames, which is a big bid, and I nearly spit out my oatmeal. And I wasn’t even eating oatmeal! I then checked other sites and LuJames was an actual person. I laughed for a good ten minutes. Any hoo! No one should spend $11 on LuJames. He went 3/2/.322 with a 16.8 K% in Triple-A and looks like a solid 4020. He’s definitely no LuGaJu!

Corbin Carroll – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 10th homer. That’s three homers in June, after three homers in May. He’s played less games in June. That’s the hard-hitting analysis you’re looking for from me.

Michael Soroka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.28. He made the Nats look weak. That’s not sarcastic!

CJ Abrams – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. If he gets to 25 homers, easily within realm of possibilities, and steals 30+ bags, which he does every year, how is he not a top 15 pick next year? Not to answer, but to ruminate.

Nick Lodolo – 5 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.51. Lodolo making me want to YOLO with my bolo attached to a ceiling fan. Don’t have a huge problem with benching Lodolo until he looks better, but don’t love the idea of dropping him.

Rhett Lowder – 3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 5 BBs, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.01, as he was activated from the IL. [watching a clip of Kurt Loder signing off with the sound off] And that’s it for Lowder.

Matt McLain – 2-for-4, and his 7th and 8th homer, and three homers in two games. I can only get so excited about him, since he’s hitting .206. Sorry, don’t tell Bdon I said that. Clearly, a hot schmotato though.

Matthew Liberatore – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 4.48. Would’ve picked him in Sunday FAAB for this week if this start was good and I feel like this was him saying, “Nah, man, you’re good without me.” Thanks, Matt!

Michael McGreevy – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 hits, zero walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.99. Don’t come for The Greevy or you get the boat!

Luinder Avila – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.02. I know Lucinda Williams. I know Doug Llewelyn. I do not know Luinder Avila.

Bobby Witt Jr. – Pulled from the game with right knee soreness. We need a prayer hexagon immediately.

Noah Cameron – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.84. Now four Quality Starts in his last five starts. That’s preseason sleeper, Noah Cameron!

Bryce Miller – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 1.33. I will say it’s been an interesting year. You have seven to ten pitchers who have around a 1.50 ERA, ten pitchers who have a normal 3-ish ERA, and 60 pitchers, who suck.

Royce Lewis – 1-for-4 as he was recalled from the minors. He went down there and learned 2nd base. Personally, I would’ve taught him how to hit again, but who am I but a blogger that some have called wickedly handsome?

Josh Bell – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer. Oh, he’s absolutely hitting a homer in their next game and two more this week.

Luis Castillo – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.16. In one league, I dropped Andrew Abbott last month, before he had a great May, and last week I dropped Castillo, so you know he’s about to go off. It’s uncanny! It’s a can opening in the reverse!

Andres Munoz – 2/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.40. Just another top closer that is doing great!

Kevin McGonigle – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. His homer went 420 feet. “He’s smoking weed with his toes?” That’s Cody Bellinger.

Jack Flaherty – 5 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 5.31. No, I still don’t trust him.

Kyle Bradish – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.89. Is it April again already?

Taylor Ward – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Ya know what Ward’s year has written all over it? Him getting to next February and being like, “Oh, by the way, I was injured all of 2026.”

Colton Cowser – 2-for-4 and 2nd homer in two games. Colton Cowser sounds like a Bachelor contestant. Right now, I’d give that hot schmotato a rose.

Yohendrick Pinango – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, and 2nd homer in a week. Comatose Jays fan, “I just woke from March and I see we’re getting production from someone who sounds made-up. We must be doing incredible! Vlad Jr. chasing Triple Crown numbers? Springer another Zombino year? Huh? Why’s everyone tiptoeing out of my room?”

Brandon Valenzuela – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and third homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert, though Kirk is due back at some point this year, right?

Braxton Ashcraft – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.28. He went from being a tad lucky to now a tad unlucky. Ya know who can straighten him out? Goldilucks.

Bubba Chandler – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 3 baserunners (2 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 4.91. I’ve been pretty down on Bubba (sounds like someone at a truck stop) but he was charged with two runs, due to the guy following him letting runs in, and Bubba came in after an Opener, so maybe he feels better as a Yarbro. Worth a monocle.

Spencer Horwitz – 2-for-3 and his 8th homer. The thrill is definitely not gone, BB King.

Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.66. Next year I’m going to draft someone as my number one starter, then drop them the first week of the season for whichever random Braves starter is good the 1st week. Can’t miss!

Nolan McLean – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.98. This start came against the Padres, a team of hitters who seem to be actively trying to forget everything they ever knew about hitting. “Swing through the ball?” Machado and Tatis lick the tip of their pencils and jot down notes, then take those notes and toss them into a bonfire.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-5 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Semien’s been hot. Ew. No, seriously, he has.

Carson Benge – 5-for-5, 3 runs and his 7th homer, a double short of the cycle, hitting .265, as he continues to hit leadoff. There was insane hype for multiple rookies this preseason, but not Benge. Oops.

Freddy Fermin – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Padres should try to acquire Showhey Ohtan, Mookey Best, and Kile Tercker.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 8 IP, 1 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Not to be a hater my whole life — though, I am drinking Lemon-Lime Haterade — but I would be selling.

Emmet Sheehan – 1 1/3 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.70. Tucker dropped a ball he should’ve caught, ump missed a call on a foul tip and his velo was fine. You know I don’t love Sheehan anymore, but this wasn’t as bad as it seemed.

Dalton Rushing – 4-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Could be interesting pickup in shallower leagues if Will Smith can’t go, due to a sore neck. If Smith can go, then what a pain in the neck.

Jo Adell – 4-for-5, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting .243. All these four-hit games and no cycles. Said like the villain in Pee Wee’s Big Adventure, I want a cycle!

Zach Neto – 1-for-6, 3 RBIs and his 12th homer. Neato Neto!

Sebastian Rivero – 5-for-5, 1 run, 6 RBIs. Fun fact! Sebastian Rivero is my porn name.

Denzer Guzman – Being called up by the Angels. Can’t believe they let him go to every level of the minors. They must hate him. He went 12/9/.336 this year in 238 ABs in Triple-A, but it’s inflated, due to league. He has a good shot at regular playing time, because the Angels are hitting Wade Meckler third. I’d count on speed and that’s about it, but worth a flyer in deep leagues.

Jose Soriano – 6 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 2.96. Can you sell him because his ERA is under 3? Is that a thing? You should make it a thing.

Christian Yelich – Brewers scored 12 runs, had a season-high 10 extra base hits, and everyone seemingly had three hits. But Yelich didn’t play. Holy sit!

Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.33 vs. Griffin Jax – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Good example of: Is name value (Sandy) that much better than just using the Streamonator?

Pete Fairbanks – Did doody on Saturday, threw 39 pitches, and was unavailable on Sunday, so Anthony Bender (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.04) got the save. There’s no chance Fairbanks isn’t the closer, unless he’s hurt, and there’s always a 75% chance he’s hurt.

Aaron Nola – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 5.86. I truly hope everyone who reads Razzball succeeds. With that said (lol), if you continue to start Nola, I have no sympathy for you. He’s been terrible for roughly 18 months!

Brandon Marsh – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer, and his third straight game with a home run. Oh, and you’ll never guess his batting average. Whatever you’re guessing, guess higher! If it helps, he leads the majors in average. (He’s hitting .338.)

Austin Wells – Hit the IL with cervical headaches. Didn’t even know you could get headaches down there.

Cam Schlittler – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.87. This isn’t exactly related to Schlittler, but the Yanks’ lineup now has Amed Rosario at cleanup. An emoji that is vomiting and the vomit spells out, “Gross.”

Cody Bellinger – 2-for-4 and his 9th homer. Well, yeah, he has Amed Rosario protecting him.

Jazz Chisholm Jr. – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. And he has Caballero and someone called A. Sanchez protecting him.

Ranger Suarez – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.18. They should invent a fantasy game where you can pull your starter before the manager. Not saying I’d automatically know better, but it would be fun to make those decisions. Yesterday, I would’ve pulled Suarez at 5 IP, 1 ER. By the by, I said “invent” like Thomas Edison is out there in Menlo Park, eating at Panera and a light bulb ignites over his head, and he shouts “A new fantasy game! In a bread bowl!” Ya see, inventions aren’t linear. He might think it should be in a bread bowl, then later he realizes no bread bowl is necessary.

Tatsuya Imai – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 5.24. He has a 6+ BB/9. I may look dumb, but Imai be smart enough to avoid.

Brent Rooker – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, 2nd homer in three games, hitting .206. I would be trying to acquire the entire A’s lineup as we head into the Summer of Bing Bong.

Nick Kurtz – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (12) and legs (7). Kurtz so good!

Gage Jump – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.45. Have Jump in my RCL league, which is a 12-team mixed league, i.e., it’s shallow, so I see something in Jump, he said like a record exec listening to the Pointer Sisters.

Jameson Taillon – Left the game and it sucks for the Cubs because they have on their IL Boyd, Steele and Horton. As my Polish neighbor would say, what can do?

Ben Brown – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.74. He has one of the best pitches in baseball (knucklecurve). It’s about as good as deGrom’s slider. DeGrom’s slider is straight butter that smears perfectly right from the fridge. That’s Ben Brown’s knucklecurve.

Trevor McDonald – 5 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.15. Currently sitting at 8.5 K/9, 2.8 BB/9 and throwing zero fastballs. Wow, hadn’t seen that in some time. Zero, zilch, zippo, not the lighter. Doesn’t matter if the pitch mix is working and it is, Streamonator doesn’t like his next one and he gets these same Cubs again, which is always scary when someone just saw a guy.

Landen Roupp – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.00. Best bounce back by someone with a similar last name, since Adolph Rupp in 1941 was like, “You can call me Adolph,” then the next day was like, “Actually, call me Rupp.”