Not Bad Imai Say So Myself

Eighteen no-hitters since 1962 for the Astros. That’s true. Now, for what it feels like, the Astros have used 89 pitchers in those 18 no-hitters. Astros have no respect for the record books! Alimber Santa (2 IP, 0 ER) finished it off last night. It was his debut. C’mon! Alimber Santa? That’s not a pitcher, that’s your wife’s birthday wish the last ten years. Also, pitching in this game was Steven Okert (1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.86). The star of Wings?! Starting this no-hitter was Tatsuya Imai (6 IP, 0 ER, 4 walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 6.17). Tatsuya telling me to order the Trust Me (some LA humor; forgive me, flyover states!), and I wouldn’t dare. I started Imai (because I have nothing to lose), and didn’t even like the results, and these were the best results possible! The honest realization I had yesterday, besides the Rangers are a worthy opponent to stream against and poop on, is we may never see a one pitcher no-hitter again. And combined no-hitters stink! Goodbye from my Ted Talk. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Yordan Alvarez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. Imagining one of my hitters returning from a day-to-day injury and homering and, sadly, I can’t imagine it. Sounds impossible.

Christian Walker – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 15th homer, four homers in two games. Onward Christian Walker!

Kumar Rocker – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96. What happened to starting him after an Opener? I liked that for Kumar. Let him Yarbro! Otherwise, it’s Kumar Rocked. Not my favorite type of Kumar.

Jacob Misiorowski – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 1.83. All kidding aside, this guy stinks. For the first time all month, he gave up one run. Pee ewe! 40+ Ks and no more than one run allowed in a month ever? Four guys: Valenzuela in his one insane year (1981); Kershaw in his most insane year (2015); Chris Sale in his most insane year (2018) and The IO Update, Misio. You could’ve had Misiorowski in every league. I’m sorry, I say it a lot but it’s forgotten by the 2nd week of the season. I will say the exact same thing again for emphasis: You could’ve drafted Misiorowski in every single league without using a top pick. Forget a top pick, he was drafted on average at pick 128! No one wants to come to terms with this, except me. I am the only person living in reality with fantasy.

Christian Yelich – 2-for-4. 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. As of this writing, his back is still working. We’ll see when he wakes tomorrow!

Matthew Liberatore – 5 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.76. Okay, I thought Misio was doing filth on his own, but now that I see Liberatore is K’ing 10 guys, then we need to get a game ball and examine it. Very sus! Any hoo! Lib’s next start is on Streamonator as meh and I tend to agree.

Brooks Lee – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer, and 1st homer in May. Fun fact! For many years, Brooks Lee fought his daddy, Buddy, who wanted him to go into the family business of being a denim jeans mascot.

Zebby Matthews – 6 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.37. Zebby went from “Heart attack incoming, what have I done starting this schmohawk, he’s given up three earned in the first two innings of a two-start week I’m going to die, let me plotz out to avoid more pain” to “Quality Start.”

Cole Ragans – Felt similar elbow pain after his rehab start. Doing quick math, sign me up for drafting him around 200 overall in 2028!

Salvador Perez – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .216. I think Sal P. is kinda toast, but what does it say for Vinnie Pasketti that Perez is hitting for a better average and way more power?

Bobby Witt Jr. – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .294. Joys de Witt > Chrissy Snow.

Michael Wacha – 7 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.69. Well, 1.69 is theoretically impossible, even if you’re a yoga teacher.

Lucas Erceg – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 5.06. It’s a real testament to how awful Estevez was that Erceg was basically Altoids with a fresh breath of relief comparatively.

Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .274. Cody loves to hit homers, because it keeps the outfielders from running all over the grass.

Will Warren – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.55. First start this week wasn’t the one I was worried about. Here’s hoping his next start this week is more BOGO than no-go.

Ezequiel Tovar – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .217. Tovar retired from baseball two years ago and he has two more homers than Tatis.

Emmet Sheehan – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.70. Only was out-pitched by a Rockies’ pitcher at home. Besides that, great stuff!

J.P. Crawford – 1-for-5 and his 7th homer. Also, in this game, Dominic Canzone (1-for-4, 2 RBIs) hit his 5th homer, Luke Raley (2-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 11th homer, Randy Arozarena (3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 6th, and that’s how you Bing and/or Bong.

Colton Cowser – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. With a walk-off homer on back-to-back days for the first time since Fred Lynn in 1985. Prior to Lynn, it was Goonerberry Yoppy in 1916, who hit the ball just out of the infield two days in a row, and the other team had scurvy. Cowser is clearly a hot schmotato.

Kyle Bradish – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.86. Not sure which one of y’all dropped Bradish to turn him around but thanks. You’re better than the best pitching coach.

Shane McClanahan – 5 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.52. By any chance, did you, the dropper of Bradish, also drop McClanananananananan? Then I feel bad for your mental health, but this is tremendous content.

Jonathan Aranda – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, hitting .268. Mean’s while, Vlad Jr. is sitting out with a boo-boo.

JJ Bleday – 1-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .270. On the 30-day Player Rater, he’s a top 10 OF, and I think that’s good. I’m mostly talking to the few people recently like, “Grey, handsome face, man! So, should I drop Bleday? Ran his course, right?”

Nick Lodolo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks 7 Ks, ERA at 5.57. Zero walks — check. More Ks than innings — check. Just freakin’ pitching well — check! I’m in again, and willing to take the chastity belt off, and go YOLO Lodolo.

Nolan McLean – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.40. Reds aren’t exactly a pushover, but at Metco and you let Bleday and Tyler Stephenson (1-for-4, 2 RBIs, 4th homer) beat you? That feels like either A) He’s tipping. B) He lacks focus. C) There’s no C. I’d still Buy Low, but clearly it should take less to do it now.

Marcus Semien – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer, as he hits cleanup. Vientos (1-for-4, .232) was hitting third. Do you know how off the rails terrible your season must’ve careened to have Vientos and Semien hitting three and four? Meet the Mess, same as the old Mess.

Dylan Cease – Hit the IL with a hamstring strain. I fully believe in regression happening during a certain time period and, if a guy is on the IL during his regression era, he will not regress. This is brought to you by someone who shows clips of Bonds homering to his Tatis voodoo doll.

Trey Yesavage – 6 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 2.25. Okay, we have enough innings now for him to look at his stats and he looks like a low-end number two with injury risk, but still, looks solid.

Janson Junk – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.80. Weird, I thought he’d have more problems opposing a team with Springer (barely hitting .200) leadoff, Nathan Lukes (done zero all year) hitting 2nd, Yohendrick Pinango (a made-up name) hitting third and Okamoto, who is oh-for-April-and-May, hitting cleanup. And those are the good hitters!

James Wood – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 14th homer, hitting .267. He didn’t hit his 14th homer last year until May 28th! Way ahead of pace!

Curtis Mead – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homer. He’s been perfectly fine for an NL-Only platoon if it’s a daily league, and almost unstartable in any other league. Also, in this game, Jacob Young (2-for-4, 2 runs) hit his 7th homer. Jacoby Oung seems to get hot every week, then cool off by the end of it. Also, in this game, Luis Garcia Jr. (3-for-5,2 runs, 4 RBIs) hit his 4th homer. I saw him on waivers in an NL-Only league so I dropped him in my RCL, and I’m a moron. Finally, CJ Abrams (1-for-4) hit his 12th homer, because he’s powered by Corange Juice.

Michael Busch – 1-for-4 and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Think we’ve had a few false alarms that he was coming out of his slump, but hopefully this really is the closing of the Buy Low window and Busch goes vroom vroom. RIP.

Ben Brown – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.01. Wish I would’ve known to draft a Brown this preseason, but not Hunter. Everything under the hood continues to look good, and, a’la Snoopy, I like Brown.

Carmen Mlodzinski – 5 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.76. Streamonator actually likes Mlod a bit for his next start, and I didn’t think I’d ever see it, but I’m willing to get in.

Tanner Bibee – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.57. Guys and five lady readers, he really roped us in with that last start. Or did he?! Damn, Mr. Reversal sneaking up on ya! I just wrote him up last week and said I liked Drew Anderson more, a guy who the Tigers didn’t even keep in their rotation, so maybe Bibee fooled you, but I am above the fray.

Rhys Hoskins – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer. Rhys got a pieces of that one! Sorry, that’s terrible, I will crack a cat-o-nine-tails on my back like a Dan Brown villain.

Kyle Schwarber – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 21st homer. I’d ask what’s he on pace for, 65 homers (?), but I don’t want to summon Mr. Prorater. Guy doesn’t know how to use a door.

Brandon Marsh – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .320. Marsh is hitting markedly better this year — more contact — and is within sniffing distance of the all-time leader in BABIP, Ty Cobb (Marsh at .373; Cobb at .383). Someone spike him with their cleats for Ty.

Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 4.38. Was about to say he’s been great in May (and, yes, he’s been fine, but not great). He can never avoid one terrible start in a month. Here’s to June avoiding the gloom.

Griffin Canning – 6 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 7.54. Actually, have him in one NL-Only league and I won’t be starting him next time either, because I don’t trust him. Yet, will tell you if it changes.

Merrill Kelly – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.25. Streamonator told me to pick him up for his two-start week, and I tried but failed. [continues to crack cat-o-nine-tails on my back]

Gabriel Moreno – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, hitting .248. He’s basically Schwarber with a better average.

Drew Romo – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. I nearly picked him up for the short schedule day, but I was like, “If someone sees how incredibly desperate I am by picking up Romo, they’re gonna point and laugh at me.” Done in by my own ego.

Anthony Kay – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Just realized that Kay and Murakami likely know each other from Japan. Wonder if they share a secret hand gesture like forming a circle with the thumb and index finger. A sign of respect and oh-Kay-ness.

Rikuu Nishida – 1-for-3 as he was called up by the White Sox. He likely knows Murakami and Kay too. Ya know, because they’re now all on the White Sox. Nishida has Chandler Simpson-like speed and hit tool. He’s a Japanese Simpson. Call him Homer-san. He could get a chance to play some, but we’ll see because Austin Hays is due back soon.

Seranthony Dominguez – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.35, and the save. [hears the back-up lights] Welp, here we go again.

Munetaka Murakami – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. What’s currently going on with Murakami is hilarious. He’s hitting something like .760 with 18 homers vs. four-seamers and -.090 against breaking pitches and guess what pitchers keep throwing him. Every pitcher is like, “Yeah, he hits four-seamers hard, but I’m built different.” Here’s teams vs. Murakami: [takes 3 seconds to game plan to get Murakami out] Who’s got this kind of time?!