Alcantara Gives Chicago A Ride On The L Train

Way too early for retractions and corrections from the editor. I’m not going to Editor’s Note less than a week in. I’m not Editor’s Noting: You do not have to hand it to player who I didn’t like. I will not be Editor’s Noting: The guy who I said in the preseason sucked, he’s good actually. I will not be Editor’s Noting: All the bad shizz I wrote was done by a team of monkeys clanking typewriters. I will not say the guy who I liked, who has sucked so far, is stinky now. Though, Noelvi Marte needs a trade. No Editor’s Notes, in general, this early. It’s been less than a week. No take-backsies a week in! Guys are barely making their second start. With all that said (Grey’s turning this around), Editor’s Note: Sandy Alcantara going 9 IP, 0 ER, 3 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.000000000 for his 5th career shutout? Yeah, well, Sandy does seem fine, and I didn’t need to worry in the preseason, and avoid him. I’m…[trying to say sorry like Fonzie]…sawrry…sawweee….I’m wrongamundo…I’m sorely–Sorry! Are you happy? Take my blood as repayment! I don’t need it! Though (here Grey backtracks), Alcantara’s starts were vs. Suckies and Shite Sox to start the year. Hmm, maybe no Editor’s Notes yet. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Otto Lopez – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 1st homer, as he hits third. Was basically free in all drafts this year. You coulda got him with an Otto draft.

Liam Hicks – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 11 RBIs this year which leads MLB. So, he’s the better catcher in Miami? Terrific! Fantastic! Sarcastic enthusiasm!

Shane Smith – 3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 19.29. What a perfect ERA for him since that was the start of the Great Depression.

Jedixson Paez – Designated for assignment. C’mon, man, do you think we were born yesterday? Good try, Jurickson Profar! “I don’t know what you mean, I am Jerixson Poofer.” Stop lying to us! “I am Jedixson Paez.” No, you’re not!

Oneil Cruz – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. I blame Brandon Williamson for imbuing him with confidence. Stop imbuing! I don’t roster him anywhere! Well, as I said in the preseason, there would be moments when Cruz got crazy hot, but when he goes cold, it will be brutal.

Bryan Reynolds – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. One of the world’s most exciting players. Can’t find fault, won’t try.

Paul Skenes – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 9.53. Skenes figured out to throw the ball where they can’t hit it to Oneil Cruz.

Marcell Ozuna – 0-for-4, 1 run, hitting .050. He looks old. Should be DFA’d (won’t, but should). Roughly four seconds late on every pitch. Just amazing stuff, when you consider the Pirates let McCutchen, a team and city favorite, walk for this schmohawk.

Ke’Bryan Hayes – 0-for-3, hitting .067. Letting this guy take some of the worst at-bats you’ve ever seen while Noelvi is on the bench. Also, late in the game — in a one-run game! Em dash this is AI! — they let Hayes hit. I don’t know why Tito wants me to suffer. He’s giving more at-bats to Dane Myers than Marte! I suffer! Are you happy?

Andrew Abbott – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.09. Even when he seems to be getting yoinked early, he settles down. Hashtag can’t yoink the Abbott.

Garrett Crochet – 5 IP, 4 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.27. Crochet = yarn. This start = yawn. Poetry.

Wilyer Abreu – 2-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Random Bold Prediction! Wilyer will be the top ranked Red Sox hitter at the end of the year.

Roman Anthony – 1-for-1 and his 1st homer, a pinch-hit jobber. Well, yeah, he was hitting in an easy park. [thrown tomato just narrowly misses my head] What?

Bryan Abreu – 1 IP, 1 ER and the save, allowing only one homer. Not sure why the Astros are trying to make Abreu happen like he’s fetch. Bryan King (1 IP, 0 ER) is right there.

Mike Burrows – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 5.91. ERA is misleading this early, but I provide it. Burrows’s first game dug himself a hole. Hehe.

Carlos Correa – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he played short. Not sure why Pena didn’t start, but [snaps fingers] don’t [snaps fingers] be [snaps fingers] making [snapping begins to hurt arthritis] it [snaps an edamame instead] a habit.

Juan Soto – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. Sexy Dr. Pepper snuck the homer just inside the right field pole. Nice that they let that Polish man sit there.

Freddy Peralta – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks. Mets manager, Mendoza, should’ve let him finish the 6th inning, but it’s his 2nd start, and you gots to do baby time for all starters now. It might’ve cost FreddyKBB the win, and tagged the earned run on his line.

Matthew Liberatore – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 1.64. This is no slight (it is kinda) but he looks exactly like the guy you want in deep leagues and nothing but Streamonator in shallower leagues.

Tarik Skubal – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 hits, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA 0.69. Nice.

Corbin Carroll – 2-for-3 and his 2nd homer. Doctors removed his hamate bone and inserted a piece of paper with Matt Olson’s stats from right after he had his hamate bone removed and went off.

Zac Gallen – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 hits, zero walks, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Would like to see more Ks, but I ain’t complaining! (Okay, technically, I am.)

Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Au Shizz!

Ben Rice – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. A Rice-A-HRoni! Is that something?

Cam Schlittler – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.0000000000. Over here singing Elvis Costello Two Little Hitlers but with my fantasy shares, Two Cam Schlittlers.

George Kirby – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.75. Trying to remain calm with my Mariners’ starters shares because they will get random-ass starts vs. the Rockies, Giants, Angels, A’s and more at some point. Just riding this early, totally unnecessary start vs. the Yanks. Give me the unbalanced schedule please.

Nick Pivetta – 5 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 6.75. I demand you be awful every start, do not disappoint me, your biggest non-fan.

Ramon Laureano – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. If only all my outfielders can be as normal as hitting one homer a week. I’m farting in your general direction, JRod.

Noah Cameron – 5 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks. That’s preseason sleeper, Noah Cameron. Don’t cha know. Not sure why I just became Marge Gunderson. You betcha! Maybe because he faced the Twins? Ya know what, I’ll save this for my therapist.

Carlos Estevez – Hit the IL. Weird, I thought he was hobbling to the mound in a walking boot, throwing 41 MPH fastballs, on purpose. Lucas Erceg (2/3 IP, 0 ER, 2nd save) is your Royals’ closer.

Jonathan India – 2-for-5, 5 RBIs and his 1st homer. Glad they moved the fences in. Shame it means the smell of pizza is that much closer distracting Pasquantino and Caglianone.

Kyle Isbel – 4-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (2) and legs (3). Hot schmotato alert!

Joe Ryan – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.82. Don’t be an ace, and you’ll be just fine.

Freddie Freeman – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer. Dodgers look awful. Oh, it won’t continue, but if this is the best team, six-point-seven billion dollars can buy, I’d want a refund. In quarters.

Yoshinobu Yamamoto – 6 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.00. Outpitched by Gavin Williams (7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.25). Haha, what a loser! Thankfully, you started Gavin in UniqueGlow Stadium. You didn’t? Oopsie!

Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. He’s so fun, Would be funner if he had, like five homers already. But they’re not all Bangeliers.

Cade Cavalli – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.79, and should’ve had the win if the Nats’ Manager, Gen Zed, knew how to manage a bullpen. Cavalli has pretty hideous peripherals so far, but he chucky the ball 97 MPH so daddy likey.

CJ Abrams – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer, as he hits 6th. Yeah, man, you gotta get [squints at Nats’ lineup] Curtis Mead at-bats in the two hole.

J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-3 and his 1st homer. Jerry Tomato ketchup’d to that ball!

Bryce Harper – 1-for-5 and his 1st homer. That home run was powered by Bryce Harper’s last TikTok where he shows fans how to suck the testosterone out of chimp’s penis.

Cristopher Sanchez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 7 Ks, ERA at 0.79. Looked off yesterday, still motoring to the NL Cy, after shoulda’ing winning last year.

Yandy Diaz – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Yandy says he’s not a product of his Steinbrenner Field environment last year.

Griffin Jax – 0 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 18.00. Griffin Sux.

Drew Rasmussen – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.80. Rays could roll out Esteban Yan and get a solid five innings.

Brice Turang – 1-for-2, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Overreaction of the Day! Turang is going to be drafted in the top 20 next year, becoming the new Treat Urner.

Jacob Misiorowski – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.45. He looks like the NL All-Star Misiorowski and not the almost-immediately-after-the-All-Star-break Misiorowski.

Matthew Boyd – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 6.75. Shucks already dropped him in 6,175 of 6,176 leagues after his first bad start. No time to wait! Leagues are won in the first six days of the season!

Nathan Eovaldi – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 11.42. Ugh, Eovaldi starting the year like he’s about to go on the IL. He doesn’t have a sub-2.50 ERA and it’s not July. Dubya tee eff! Somewhat kidding, I think he’s a solid buy low. He should not be this bad, and has been pretty unlucky.

Corey Seager – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Crap, only six more homers until the IL stint.

Zach Eflin – Hit the IL with elbow discomfort. C’mon, O’s, stretch out Dietrich Enns. No more intermittent fasting for Dietrich, we want lifestyle changes! Though, if being real, I scrolled down to “Minor Leaguers You Should Know” for the O’s and saw Dean Kremer and chuckled. He’s practically middle age.

Samuel Basallo – 2-for-5 and his 1st homer. You can move on to the next blurb, this next bit is for the O’s front office. Trade Adley for an arm! Are you legit idiots? What are you doing? You have a catcher! You don’t need two!

Dylan Beavers – 3-for-5, 3 runs and his 1st homer. [places hand under chin and leans in] Okay, I’m listening.

Trevor Rogers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 1.38. With him facing Eovaldi, it was hard not to see how he was doing exactly what I wanted from Eovaldi, and that was when I begged my brain to stop thinking stuff.

Kevin Gausman – 6 IP, 0 ER, 2 hits, zero walks, 10 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Have him in a bunch of leagues and would love to take the victory lap, but see what I say above for Alcantara, and replace Shite Sox with the K’s.

Shea Langeliers – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Starting at a whispering and building, “Bangeliers…Bangeliers…BANGELIERS!!!” Shea Bangeliers is the 2nd catcher in MLB history to have five-plus homers through his team’s first six games of the season, joining Gabby Hartnett in 1925. Gabby Harnett went on to star in Sleepless in Seattle, Uncle Buck and other notable roles.

Luis Severino – 3 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 6.48. So, if he can’t pitch on the road either, umm…Actually, just remembered Bangeliers hasn’t Bing Bong’d yet.

Chris Sale – 6 IP, 1 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Also in this game, Rake Baldwin (2-for-3, 4 RBIs) nearly hit another homer. It’s the Year of the Catcher (minus) Cal Raleigh. Or just the Year of the CCR. You fortunate son, have you ever see the rain? Prolly if you live in, like, the world.