[doing A Beautiful Mind math on the window of a Harvard dorm] Teoscar gets hurt…Chris Taylor does nothing going on three years…Enrique Hernandez does more than anyone thought possible for, like, five years, but it’s still really not much…Add in Muncy stinking up the joint…Throw in the Dodgers not really liking Hyeseong Kim even though they were the ones who signed him…Subtract seventeen starters to the IL, which isn’t important for this math problem, but I’m still factoring it in…How did they spend three billion on a team and have four starters and one is Landen Knack, again, irrelevant, but I’m factoring it in…Add in having a great catcher in Will Smith…No, the other Will Smith…No, not the other other Will Smith…Then DFA Austin Barnes…carry the catcher to the majors and the answer is…Dalton Shushing is promoted! Crap, it’s Dalton Rushing, I think I did the math wrong. So, the Dodgers called up Rushing or they’re trying to get into a fraternity. He had a line of 5/1/.308 in 107 ABs in Triple-A and he’s clearly ready. Ready to do what? I haven’t the foggiest idea. I am only being 15% sarcastic when I say I think the Dodgers promoted Dalton Rushing to showcase him for other teams for when they trade him in July for a starter. He has zero places to play unless Will Smith is hiding an injury we don’t know about. Or, knowing the Dodgers, they can just make one up for him. And if you’re wondering if the Dodgers can just DH Rushing and forgot who the Dodgers’ DH is, do you even watch baseball, bro? Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 13th homer. Yeah, he’ll prolly go to the bench for Rushing. Absolutely! Great call, actually!
Max Muncy – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .191. Max is the Municiest!
Andy Pages – 3-for-4 and his 7th homer, hitting .291. Was starting to get the feeling people were already moving on, so glad Pages hit this homer. Stave off the “drop Pages” questions another couple of days!
Hyeseong Kim – 2-for-2 and his 1st homer, hitting .360. Dodgers are so uncommitted to him, that he homered and they still removed him for Miguel Rojas. Oh, Rojas is not good, by the way.
Tyler Soderstrom – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. And you said he retired after April, silly you!
Jordan Westburg – Suffered a setback and now he might not be back until mid-June. Westburg better not be pulling a Kotchman. (Original glossary term!)
Gunnar Henderson – 4-for-9, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, hitting .275. How about we end May with 12 homers, June with 22 homers and enter ASB with 28 homers? Can I make that request? Then I will stop being mean.
Cedric Mullins – 2-for-8, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. Mullins means to think over or, archaic definition, is to act as a top 40 outfielder. Both accurate. Right now, at least.
Brooks Lee – 3-for-9 and his 4th homer, hitting .260. Fun fact! Brooks Lee is also known as Be Water.
Trevor Larnach – 3-for-9, 2 runs, 3 RBIs, and his 7th homer, hitting .250. Rise of the Larnach Monster. Well, Rise-ish, he’s in the top 20 for OF on the 7-day Player Rater. That’s schmotato stuff!
Willi Castro – 2-for-7, 3 runs, 1 RBI and a slam (2) and legs (2). Three legs if you include Willi.
Bailey Ober – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.72. He will have an ERA under 4, but it’ll never get too low in the 3’s. He’ll keep floating it towards 4.00, only to about face when he gets very close. His promise to you is for you to feel like dropping him, but never making it make sense to drop him. The Ober Promise.
Kyle Manzardo – 1-for-3 and his 10th homer. This might be the 1st time I wasn’t sonavabenched by him all year. Instead, I benched Kurtz, who sonavabenched me on Tuesday. Yes, this is all about my stupid teams!
Gavin Williams – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners (1 BB), 6 Ks, ERA at 4.29. His 10.9 K/9 is encouraging, his 5.1 BB/9 is goofy awful and his 1.5 HR/9 is just bad. If he can fix his control, he could be a big Buy Low, but yesterday was the first time he seemed to understand to stop throwing walks. Judging that as encouraging but not everything, and that’s my Gavin to Gavin coverage.
Jose Ramirez – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Yesterday, I said after his 7th homer he was now a HOFer for me. No longer! Eight homers is too much! Call it off! It’s gluttonous!
Logan Henderson – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.45. That’s 11 IP, 3 ER, 16 Ks through two starts. Will he stay for a third? Yes, grab him! Jose Quintana hit the IL with a shoulder issue. I don’t know why they can’t call up Misiorowski too, but I’m miserableski about it. Everything the Brewers touch with pitchers turns to gold. (If healthy, don’t bring up Woodruff’s eventual return.) In Triple-A, Henderson had a 12 K/9, 3.3 BB/9 and 2.40 ERA in 30 IP, and I already told you to pick him up. What are you waiting for?
Rhys Hoskins – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .292. Hoskins came a triple short of the cycle. That’s the worst John Buck Halloween costume.
Sal Frelick – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer, hitting .271, as he hits leadoff and Brice Turang (0-for-3, 2 runs) moves down. Turang’s a speed-only guy or a mostly speed guy or a speed-first guy, at least! You know that, so of course they moved Turang down to the five hole! Marbles in managers’ brains be pinging around.
Bryce Miller – Hit the Ineffective List with elbow inflammation. When did he acquire that issue? After his first ineffective start or his fifth straight? Such a joke. Like we’re all a bunch of idiots. He can’t pitch currently and he now suddenly has an elbow issue. Sure.
Luis Castillo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.65. Never doubt what a Mariner pitcher can do. Well, except Miller. And Hancock. And Gilbert. Okay, so some M’s pitchers.
Paul Goldschmidt – 1-for-2 and his 5th homer, hitting .346. Au Shizz!
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4 and his 15th homer, hitting .412. But he didn’t force the pitcher to throw a homer to the hitters in front of him, so what good is he? (Yes, I know Grisham had a homer robbed. Still doesn’t count. I looked it up.)
Will Warren – 5 IP, 2 ER, 4 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.61. Streamonator is meh on his next one, and I can’t say I fully trust him; the Ks are nice though, can’t lie or nose will grow.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 7.05. Commissioner of my fantasy league has stopped answering my emails asking if I can get credit for Eduardo Rodriguez’s great peripherals and have his ERA ignored.
Eugenio Suarez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 13th homer. Fun with numbers that only I like! Since last All-Star Break, Suarez has 33 homers; Juan Soto has 26; Kyle Schwarber has 34. Until next time!
Ketel Marte – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 4th and 5th homer. Get drunk on Ketel, I slur at the police officer, showing him my H2H opponent’s team.
Shelby Miller – 1 IP, 1 ER, ERA at 1.45, and his 3rd save. You don’t get closer to giving up a lead and blowing a game than Miller did. It was him vs. Chris Koss, who will make you jump, jump, but Shelby locked it down. Miller does not seem long for the closer role, if being honest, though he’s likely the guy for now.
Jordan Hicks – 2 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.55. He’s suffering from Bryce Milleritis. Only cure is a visit to the doctor for a made-up injury.
Jung Hoo Lee – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Jung Hoo! “Lee, I believe.”
Ryan Pepiot – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.93. Opened his player page, saw a 7-something K/9, closed his player page. He’s fine for deeper leagues or if he can shave a half walk off his BB/9.
Chris Bassitt – 5 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.16. In direct comparison to Pepiot (since I just looked at his stats), Bassitt’s pitching much better. Not even close, tee bee aitch.
Yimi Garcia – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 3.71, and his 3rd save. This save was mostly because Hoffman worked the previous games. Yimi’s next save will be because Hoffman has stunk for the last three weeks.
Michael Toglia – 2-for-4 and his 6th homer, hitting .215. A road homer? Warren J. Schaeffer working his magic! (I don’t know if there’s a J. but his name sounds like there should be a J.)
Wyatt Langford – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. This shot was an oppo taco, which in Texas comes without beans.
Adolis Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 6th homer. He’s one hot streak away from having a much better season than I expected. And a cold streak away from having what I expected. A crossroads!
Patrick Corbin – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.35. Streamonator suggested you stream Corbin last night and next to his name it said, “No, seriously.” On a side note, do you know how bad a team has to be to suggest you start Patrick Corbin vs. it?
Spencer Strider – Showing diminished velocity in his simulated game. Emoji that widens its eyes and doesn’t know what to say.
Bryce Elder – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 4.50. When I googled Bryce Elder, Google said, “Are you sure you don’t mean Bryce Eldridge?” Hmm, bad sign.
Kyle Stowers – 3-for-4, and his 9th and 10th homer. Saying Stowers is due to regress while he continues to pound the ball makes one seem like a total arse. A donkey’s butt, a jackass’s ass. Butt, the stats are saying that.
Agustin Ramirez – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer. Him hitting DH and third is all you really should be worried about. Until that stops, you should stop asking about dropping him. For unstints, I picked up Goodman the 1st week of the season because he was hitting cleanup and DH. I have not considered dropping him since. I can say this so many times, but you will still ask about picking your catcher scab, so ignore all of this.
Ryan Weathers – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks as he was activated. Sure, pick him up! I don’t hate it or him! Do it, love it, enjoy it, caress it! Be one with your pick up. I will only say, you don’t just come back from the issue (forearm) he had and stay healthy the rest of the year.
Seiya Suzuki – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Seiya ball!
Maikel Garcia – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .300 in May with six steals, hitting .297 on the season, so ‘natch that, baby. Preseason sleeper!
Michael Lorenzen – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.76. He got into the 8th inning on only 84 pitches. In today’s game, that alone is momentous. We need to talk about the Royals’ pitching lab. Not today, I’m tired and this is already over 2000 words.
Isaac Paredes – 1-for-3 and his 6th homer. Seeing him in front of Christian Walker in the lineup had me thinking, had anyone retired from baseball but kept playing like Walker? I’m a trivia buff and curious.
Clay Holmes – 6 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.14. He was the tough luck loser. Which is different than telling someone, “Tough luck, loser,” but sounds very similar.
Oneil Cruz – Missed his 4th consecutive game and only six more for the free pass to the IL.
Nick Lodolo – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.42. This was against the White Sux, so he was actually charged with five runs.
Spencer Steer – 2-for-4 and his 4th homer. Remembering how excited I was by all things Reds in the preseason and wondering why I was cursed.
Michael A. Taylor – 1-for-3 and his 2nd homer. His entire career is more impressive when you realize under his uniform Michael Ann Taylor wears a pants suit.
Xander Bogaerts – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Not to take anything away from him (which is what I say right before doing that), but it was off Kyle Hendricks.
Taylor Ward – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in three games. He’s two homers in this month away from having six homers each of the first two months. That’s a 36-homer pace.
Tanner Houck – Hit the Ineffective List with “Yo, my shizz is very broke.” Red Sox said officially it was “right flexor pronator strain,” which is just a Mad Libs of an injury. He [verb] his [which side] [flexor or plexor] [pronator or purpnator] with a [strain or tear]. Laughing at the former Mets’ GM who was fined and suspended for making up injuries, as if he was the only one.
Alex Bregman – 3-for-4 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games as he reminded his past manager, AJ Hinch, what he can do, and showed his future manager, AJ Hinch, what to expect.
Hunter Dobbins – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.90. “Hand it over.” That’s Hunter Greene and Hunter Brown pulling Dobbins’s Hunter card. If you want to check Streamonator for Dobbins go for it, I’m not picking him up.
Tarik Skubal – 6 1/3 IP, 5 ER, 8 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.67. “Best” pitcher in baseball. Ugh, how do I delete scare quotes? Siri?
Riley Greene – 3-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in a week. If you ever find yourself thinking, “I wish Riley Greene was better,” find a deeper league.
Sonny Gray – 3 2/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 4.50. Sonny Gray, you are as oxymoronic-sounding as Grey Albright and as devilishly handsome and as reliable usually, so what happened? Well, let’s start with the mustache–Oh, you Sonny, not me Grey? Um, it was a bad matchup. Let’s move on!
Masyn Winn – 5-for-8, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 5th homer, 2nd homer in as many days. Also, in this game, Alec Burleson (3-for-6, 4 RBIs) hit his 3rd homer as he actually played for once.
Lars Nootbaar – 3-for-8, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer, and 2nd homer in four games. Noot-Noot-chugga-chugga!
Jesus Luzardo – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 2.00 vs. Erick Fedde – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners (4 BBs), 3 Ks, ERA at 3.44. This matchup was billed as, “Jesus/Erick, or what Liane Cartman says to her son.”
Aaron Nola – 3 2/3 IP, 9 ER, ERA at 6.16. Told you not to draft him, told you if you did draft him to drop him, and yet I still see him over 50% rostered.
Alec Bohm – 1-for-5 and his 2nd homer. Also, in this game, Kyle Schwarber (1-for-8) hit his 15th. A Bohm buh buh Schwarbomb!
Jordan Romano – 1 IP, 0 ER, 3 Ks, ERA at 8.22. I’m glad I picked up Romano like an Italian standing over a plate of pasta, and I can’t believe it hasn’t blown up in my face yet, but — again with some stank — BUT! it is extremely crazy that Alvarado (1/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.79) is now randomly a LOOGY in the 8th.
Matt Carpenter – Retired from baseball. He said he wanted to play still but a job never materialized. Geez, this Carpenter guy is a real martyr.
