So I got owned. I was razzing Donkey Teeth about his NFBC league draft (use promo code: Razzball25 and get $25 off at NFBC). I told him his team stunk. I didn’t trust his pitchers. Didn’t love his drafting of a top catcher. Felt he had some injury risk in Gallo and Mondesi, but I didn’t hate the team. It was just so…harmless at the time. Then, he put it out there…out to the hoi polloi, asking who had the better team, and that was when I got owned. No one, and I’m not being dramatic, liked my team. At one point, I think Cougs used her burner account to log in and dismiss me. Here is the carnage:
— DonkeyTeeth (@DonkeyTeeth87) November 26, 2019
I can’t remember such ownage happening to little ol’ me in such a devastating, emotionally crippling way before. It was like my dog spoke for the 1st time (while I wasn’t on drugs) and said, “My name is Albert, not Ted, and I hate you.” That was the disrespect I felt! This was many weeks ago, and I am still sighing that long, hard sigh that can only come from knowing years of hurt and ridicule. Like a character William H. Macy would play. Well, life goes on, ob la di, ob la da. For those not in the know, this is a 15-team, two-catcher league that lasts for 50 rounds and there’s no waivers. You draft it, and manage it. Weekly moves for pitchers, bi-weekly for hitters, changing out on Monday and Friday. Most of the draft happened prior to the Winter Meetings, so who knows with playing time. I did it as an experiment to see what would happened if I stopped being polite and started–Wait, that’s the Real World opening. Anyway, here’s my NFBC draft recap:
C: Christian Vazquez (14/202)
C: Manny Pina (22/322)
1B: Pete Alonso (2/22)
2B: Ketel Marte (3/39)
SS: Trea Turner (1/9)
3B: Hunter Dozier (11/159)
MI: Brandon Lowe (16/232)
CI: J.D. Davis (13/189)
OF: Ramon Laureano (5/69)
OF: Marcell Ozuna (7/99)
OF: Andrew Benintendi (8/112)
OF: Brian Anderson (18/262)
OF: Austin Riley (19/279)
UTIL: Ian Happ (24/352)
Bench: David Fletcher (26/382), Ryan Mountcastle (28/412), Seth Brown (30, 442), Mike Zunino (32, 472), David Bote (34, 502), Ke’Bryan Hayes (36, 532), Jeimer Candelario (38, 562), Jose Osuna (40, 592), Ronny Rodriguez (42, 622), Jazz Chisholm (44, 652), Dom Nunez (46, 682), Brandon Dixon (47, 699), Rio Ruiz (50, 742)
P: Lucas Giolito (4/52)
P: Yu Darvish (6/82)
P: Kenley Jansen (9/129)
P: Hyun-Jin Ryu (10/142)
P: Jake Odorizzi (12/172)
P: Giovanny Gallegos (15/219)
P: Ryan Yarbrough (17/249)
P: Steven Matz (20/292)
P: Johnny Cueto (21/309)
Bench: Jairo Diaz (23/339), Freddy Peralta (25/369), Zach Eflin (27, 399), Justus Sheffield (29, 429), Jakob Junis (31, 459), Joe Ross (33, 489), Brent Honeywell Jr. (35, 519), Art Warren (37, 549), Devin Smeltzer (39, 579), Arodys Vizcaino (41, 609), Jharel Cotton (43, 639), Jacob Waguespack (45, 669), Marcus Walden (48, 712), Jaime Barria (49, 729)
SO I SEE YOU’RE A BIG FAN OF JACOB WAGUESPACK. WELL, I’M A BIG FAN OF STUPID PEOPLE, WHICH IS WHY I LIKE YOU.
Harsh, but fair, Mr. Bolden Al Caps. Let me dispel a myth, which is not to say mith, which is misspelling a myth, I don’t like everyone I drafted. The last, oh, four hundred picks are whatever. In a league like this, you are trying to make sure you have warm bodies. As mentioned in the opening, there are no waivers. You have to draft a ton of guys who may or may not see your lineup. All things being equal, you want about 15-ish SPs. I have roughly 17. Freddy Peralta, who I’m counting, might be a reliever, and, honestly, who knows with some of those guys at the end. I’m praying for seven healthy starters who are in the rotation, then two relievers. Speaking of which, we drafted so early, I don’t know if I have one closer, two closers, zero closers or five closers. Since everyone in the league was at an equal disadvantage, I’m hoping for middle of the pack in saves. To tell you, I won the saves category or will come in last is total guesswork. I can say Kenley Jansen is criminally undervalued in early drafts. If he’s healthy, he’s 100% the closer. Last year, he had a 11.4 K/9, 2.3 BB/9 and 33 saves. I’d take a repeat of that at pick 129, all day, e’eryday. Some of the later reliever flyers were just that. Jairo Diaz? Meh, I guess he could be the closer. Arodys Vizcaino? Does he have a team yet? Marcus Walden? Well, he got two saves last year. How did Art Warren happen? Or better yet, who is Art Warren? Here’s what happened there: I said to Donkey Teeth, “Hey, any good sleepers at RP?” And he said, “Call me mister.” Then after some back and forth where I apologized for making him own me, he told me Prospect Itch said Art Warren is the closer of the future in Seattle. Warren did save 15 games in the minors last year, had a 11.7 K/9, 95 MPH fastball and appeared late in the year for the Mariners, so maybe there’s something there. Or Donkey Teeth was continuing to mock me and Art Warren is an NFL franchise owner, as he sounds.
RIVETING STUFF THERE, MAN, REALLY…*DOZES OFF*…SORRY, I FELL ASLEEP. SO, DO YOU WANNA SPEAK ON YOUR OFFENSE, OR AS I LIKE TO SAY, “WERE YOU DRUNK ON VODKA AND THAT’S WHY YOU OWN KETEL?”
Trying to hold my feelings on players back until my rankings are released mid-January, but Ketel Marte is an interesting one.
PLEASE, LESS AMBIENT NOISE OF SETTING UP WHAT YOU’RE GOING TO SAY AND SAY IT.
I did not think I was going to love Ketel Marte as much as I ended up, after looking back at what he did last year. He is a legitimate .300 hitter with 27+ homer power and 10-steal speed. Maybe Altuve outperforms him on average, power and speed, but he didn’t last year, and I wouldn’t place any of those bets that he will this year. One thing that really means nothing in the grand scheme of things, but meant more the harder I looked at it for meaning was Marte’s 482-foot homer last year. Sure, it was one home run, but you don’t accidentally hit a ball that far. Other two guys who hit 482-foot homers last year: Arenado and Sano. The power, as they say, is real. And his .299 expected batting average last year was the 15th best in the majors. If you’re curious, Altuve was 53rd.
SINCE YOU DECIDED YOU WANTED TO OWN ART WARREN, AN NFL FRANCHISE OWNER, IS THAT WHY YOU DRAFTED KE’BRYAN HAYES, WHO SOUNDS LIKE A LINEBACKER?
Pretty much. Also, Prospect Itch reported to me that Ke’Bryan Hayes was a super meh infielder for the Pirates who might take over at 3rd by as soon as June, and I felt light on corner men. I usually allow myself a handful of prospects in these leagues. I might’ve taken more this year than previous years. If the O’s don’t play Mountcastle, their organization should be folded. Actually, it should anyway. (Here’s my Ryan Mountcastle fantasy.) Jazz Chisholm was just a total flyer, who I don’t expect much from, but you never know with the Marlins. They don’t hold guys down; they just trade them one year before arbitration. My Seth Brown fantasy is there, and I’m not sure why there’s no heat on him at all. His minor league numbers last year were insane, and Ke’Bryan Hayes could help my pass rush.
REAL QUESTION: DO YOU WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH DAVID FLETCHER?
I don’t even like him! And no I’m not being coy! It’s just in this league, where there’s no waivers, I love his position eligibility. If I lose anyone but Albombso, Fletcher can step in.
DONT’ EVEN KID ABOUT LOSING ALBOMBSO.
I know, blasphemy.
SO, YOU REALLY ARE GOING ALL-IN ON IAN HAPP AND J.D. DAVIS, HUH?
I KNOW, THAT’S WHY I ASKED! OKAY, LAST QUESTION: WHY DID DONKEY TEETH DRAFT SUCH A BETTER TEAM THAN YOU?
I hate everyone!