Let’s just go on what logic tells us. Not Logic, the rapper, but logic the thing you’ve been chipping away at with your weed smoking. In 2015, Billy Beane traded Drew Pomeranz to the Padres for Yonder Alonso. At the time, we have to assume Beane wanted a slugging first baseman. A guy that could hit 25+ homers. Okay, so they dealt with terrible Alonso for two years, and, then, when they get what you think they had to be hoping for, they trade him for a prospect (Boog Powell) that many believe is a bench player. Now, even if Powell pans out, you had in Alonso what you wanted already. I’m beginning to think Beane just does trades to do trades. If you were to hear in fifteen years that Beane was trying to make the A’s worse to get out of Oakland, would anyone be surprised? Moneyball 2 is going to be starring Jamie Kennedy and straight-to-DVD. Any hoo! Alonso loses some value going to the M’s because he’ll likely platoon with Danny Valencia (hit his 13th homer on Sunday), though, I guess it could be argued this is a positive move for Alonso, because he’s hit .188 vs. lefties this year. As for Powell, the A’s might promote and platoon him because what do they have to lose? Or rather, what do they have to win? If they’re lucky, Boog will bring some of his trademark ribs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Felix Hernandez – Hit the DL with old. The only cure is a blood transfusion from Bartolo Colon or Peter Thiel.
Nelson Cruz – 3-for-9, 4 RBIs and his 23rd and 24th homers. Somewhere, Mark Whiten’s like, “I would’ve hit eight homers if I had a doubleheader to work with.”
Salvador Perez – Hit the DL with an intercostal strain. That’s bad news, unless they’re misspelling intercoastal and they’re in south Florida. Perez will likely be out for a month. Or if Lauryn Hill is learning Spanish and reading, how many meses does Perez miss in a daily? Hopefully not many, many, many, many, many.
Whit Merrifield – 4-for-10, 4 runs, 2 RBIs and a double slam (12, 13) and legs (18), with homers on both side of the doubleheader, for the Ernie Banks Special! Whit’s not bad for a guy that sounds like he shows up at games in an Izod and Ted Knight pants.
Mike Moustakas – 3-for-8, 2 RBIs and his 31st homer. Moistasskiss!
Sean Rodriguez – 1-for-2 and his 3rd homer as he was traded from the Braves to the Pirates. Sean-Rod is like the fungus on a bathtub. You think it’s gone, but it just keeps reappearing. You basically need to move into a new house to get rid of it.
Jameson Taillon – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 4.60. This start came against the Padres, so rather than saying Taillon is back to being solid, it’s merely indicative of him having a heartbeat.
Felipe Rivero – 1 IP, 2 ER, and his 1st blown save, and has now given up two runs in two of his last three appearances. Sigh. Imagine that, a guy who was overworked for four months is actually tiring out. What a shock! I don’t know, maybe don’t bring him in the 8th inning for every save. Nice job, C**nt!
Dinelson Lamet – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 3 walks, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.12. With Dinelson, it’s whack’s on, and whack’s off. On Saturday, the whack was off. Still, no faith in him going forward.
Matt Joyce – Suspended for two games for using an anti-gay slur. Last time he borrows Yunel Escobar’s eyeliner.
Chad Pinder – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting near-.400 in the last week, and–Oh, who are we kidding, no one’s picking up Pinder.
Sean Manaea – 3 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.15. Don’t worry, he’ll break out, as soon as Beane trades him away.
Tyler Skaggs – 4 IP, 3 ER as he returned after a three month absence. If I had a nickel for every time Skaggs returned after a long absence, I’d have around fifteen cents, and since a Nigerian prince just informed me I won 5,000,000$ (sic), I don’t need your fifteen cents! Skaggs is the type that projections systems love because his underlying numbers are great. It’s those pesky surface numbers like ERA and being able to pitch longer than five innings, that should have him on waivers in most mixed leagues until we see something.
Matt Shoemaker – Will have season-ending nerve surgery and be sidelined for 3-4 months. Performing the surgery will be Dr. Steve Shin. If you ask the doctor his name mid-sneeze, he replies, Dr. Steve Shin-Soo Choo.
Mike Trout – 1-for-4, 2 runs and a slam (22) and legs (13). Mee…eye…kah Trow…t? Is that how you say this guy’s name? Who is he?
Bud Norris – 1/3 IP, 2 ER and his 3rd blown save, ERA up to 4.09. I’m not a big fan of dropping quote-unquote closers, but this guy quote-unquote sucks.
Cole Hamels – 9 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.59. Hamels might’ve pulled off the hardest thing to do. He might’ve transitioned into an older pitcher without missing a beat. F-Her, CC, and countless other guys were not able to make that transition as smoothly. Due to this, I will call him Caitlyn Hamels.
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 30th homer. He was in Friday’s Buy column, and will be in next week’s (if he continues to hit homers, and isn’t picked up in the requisite 50% of leagues).
Matt Belisle – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 1st save. I just had to type it out, because I can’t believe it either.
Brian Dozier – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, but left with an illness. We can be pretty confident saying, after he left, he didn’t vomit in the bathroom.
Aaron Altherr – Hit the DL with a hamstring strain. Seems to be suffering from Mat Gamelitis, a condition that sidelines prospects when they finally get a chance to play.
Maikel Franco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer, hitting .230. C’mon, get to 25 homers. It’s all I ask (though, if you want more goals, a .255 average would be welcome too).
Aaron Nola – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.12. I know this was likely a sonavabench for most of you since he was in Coors, but you have to be encouraged about how flat-out dominant he’s been. Here’s Lance’s Aaron Nola fantasy.
Kyle Freeland – Hit the DL with a strained groin. *Groucho Marx cigar wag* What a weird thing to find in your colander.
Justin Turner – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (13) and double legs (3, 4). His average has come down a bunch (.260 in July, and sub-.200 in August), but you have to expect him to get crumby on occasion, with that beard and all.
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (32) and legs (7), hitting .264. Guys and five girl readers, look at his stats, then remember he missed the first month of the season.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, zero walks, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.53. Hyun-Jin loves the competition that’s happening in the Dodgers’ clubhouse right now. He said it pumps him up when people ask him, “Ryu?” He’s like, “No, Yu is Ryu!”
Steven Matz – 5 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 5.77. His slider is said to be flat, but it looks more round like a meatball to me.
Drew Pomeranz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at…Guess. Go ahead. I’ll wait. *watches the eighteen-hour, Ken Burns documentary on Vietnam, feels shellshocked, paints camouflage on face and performs Martin Sheen’s Apocalypse Now opening scene* Give up? 3.36 ERA! Wow, that threw me for a loop. I didn’t realize Pomeranz was doing that well. As the Latin fantasy baseball ‘pert would say, mea culpa. I said to avoid him, and he’s obviously worthy of more attention.
Krispie Young – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 6th and 7th homers. Krispie creamed those balls! For those of you that just found us after Googling “Krispie creamed those balls,” I know cake-sitting is a thing, but donut-sitting is a thing too?
Eduardo Nunez – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, hitting .400 on the Red Sox and .319 overall, and this was his 2nd homer in the last three games, and superlative, superlative, superlative on this guy since he was traded to Boston.
Lance Lynn – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 3.12. At this point, I hope he ends the year with an ERA under 3.00 to really confuse others next year when he gets overdrafted.
Adam Wainwright – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.00, as he was activated from the DL. Member when Wainwright called in to a radio show to argue his fantasy value? He did, you don’t need to Google. Any hoo! He should now call in to people’s homes who still own him, and apologize.
Jose Martinez – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 8th homer. Random Prediction Alert! By the year 2024, there will be one team where every player is named Jose Martinez. They’re coming.
Paul DeJong – 3-for-5, 1 run, and a home run on Saturday (15), hitting .284. My favorite waiver wire pickup sounds a lot like my favorite fancy mustard.
Luis Castillo – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 3.64. Is it me (it’s not) or do the Reds grow high-K, high-walk pitchers on trees? Reduce the high walk seeds, pollinate the command seeds and get rid of the angiosperms! Just something I kinda learned in high school biology!
Zack Cozart – 1-for-5, 1 run as he returned from the DL. He needed to return this weekend, if he had any hope of hitting the DL three more times this year.
Willson Contreras – 2-for-4 and his 20th and 21st homers, hitting .281. Damn, he keeps hitting like this and Joe Buck is going to start thinking about Contreras in late-night seshes.
Kyle Schwarber – 1-for-3 and his 18th homer. Ugh, Joe Buck so conflicted.
Brian Goodwin – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. Michael Taylor is due back any day now, so Goodwin might be back on the bench or at best platooning. By the way, I had an idea for Dusty. For Halloween, he should go as an hors d’oeuvre, complete with toothpick.
Tyler White – Called up to platoon at 1st base. He could be on the weak side of the platoon, but he did hit three homers this weekend, so that might extend his playing time and raise his schmotato and lower his past specter of garbage.
Roberto Osuna – 2 IP, 4 ER and his 7th blown save, ERA up to 3.47, and 2nd appearance in his last four where he gave up multiple runs. You put your man jewels on the train tracks of life, starting Nola in Coors, and he gets out fairly unscathed, while Osuna and Rivero come along the train tracks of life with one of those old-timey railroad push trolleys that they pump up and down on the jewels, and not in the good way.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs, hitting .275, but whatever on that, he has three homers in the past seven games while hitting near-.400. So fresh, so schmotato.
Matt Holliday – Hit the DL with a tweaked lower back. Can’t spell tweak without teak, but, either way, he should just be on the pine.
Jordan Montgomery – 5 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. Tough matchup too in Cleveland. I have concerns about Montgomery — workload is creeping up, can’t go deep into games, could be tiring. Sure, these are one concern disguised as three, but what does that matter?
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 35th homer, hitting .299. All rise…
Luis Severino – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 2.91. I already want to draft him for 2018.
Danny Salazar – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.32, but a lot of that ERA is irrelevant. He’s return with such gusto you’d think he was an Italian wind. Fun fact! The Nike swoosh in Italy is called a gusto. No, it’s not, but it should be. Salazar’s an immediate grab in all leagues, he looks like the number one ace that everyone thought he’d be in the preseason. Well, at least I thought he would be.
Carlos Carrasco – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.06. K-zar fixes whatever it was that was broken and Carrasco breaks down. It’s like they’re on a scale set at mediocre, and, as one pitcher does better, the other pitcher needs to be more terrible to level the scale back at mediocre.
Michael Brantley – 1-for-3 and his 9th homer, hitting .300, to go with 11 steals on the year. On our Player Rater, he’s flirting with being a top 40 outfielder. Hopefully, he doesn’t buy the guy in front of him, Shin-Soo Choo, a drink.
Zach Davies – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.18 and his 13th win. Somebody’s vying for Murray Chass’ Cy Young vote!
Jimmy Nelson – 8 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.24. He ended up with the tough luck no decision. “Which is why he’ll never be Cy Young.” Damn, that’s harsh, Murray Chass.
Orlando Arcia – 1-for-3 and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in the past three games. Hot schmotato alert!
Alex Cobb – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.80. Stream-o-Nator loved this start on Saturday, and hates his next one. Like a lonely farmer, I’d get off that Cobb.
Steven Souza – 2-for-4 and his 24th homer, hitting .269. He’s been top 35 on our Player Rater. Not top 35 outfielders, top 35 overall, around Anthony Rizzo. Yup.
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners (zero walks), 11 Ks, ERA at 3.94. He is on the precipice of breaking out. He’s got a rock hammer, a poster of Rita Hayworth and 25 years to his life.
Jose Urena – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.60. Fun fact! The arena where STDs battle it out is a urethra, which many doctors call an Urena.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. OZUNA wait for his pitch. OZUNA mime taking number at deli counter when entering batter’s box.
J.T. Realmuto – 2-for-4 and his 13th homer. He now has one home run in one day since he started telling people his initials stand for Just Trout.
Brad Ziegler – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save. Mawr Lichaels and Zodd Tola questioned why I bid so aggressively in Tout Wars for a closer like Zigeler, who has a 6+ ERA. A Tout Wars league that I’m at a 10 or higher in every category except saves. A Tout Wars league that I’m winning be 20 points. Somebody doesn’t understand SAGNOF.
Jeimer Candelario – Will be promoted for a few days while Jose Iglesias is on bereavement. The Candy Man can, but not in two-to-three days.
Nick Castellanos – 1-for-4 and a slam (16) and legs (3), hitting .239. Eek. I say eek, because when you stop to look at Castellanos’ season stats, well, they’re awful. 16/3/.239? Kole Calhoun wouldn’t even f*ck those stats.
Manny Machado – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .257. You know who he’s going to be in the 2018 preseason? Bryce Harper from this preseason.
Jonathan Schoop – 1-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer. Also, in this game, Chris Davis (1-for-5, 2 RBIs) hit his 18th homer and Trey Mancini (3-for-4) and his 18th homer. Somewhere, the Ghost of Earl Weaver is praising the O’s station-to-station baseball and kicking cloud on a dead ump.
Joey Rickard – 4-for-4, 3 runs and a slam (4) and legs (6), and a triple short of the cycle. Damn, you’re making me Joey Rockhard. What? Gross? My b.
Tim Beckham – 1-for-4, 1 RBI and three straight huge days leading into Sunday. Dan Pantalones gave you his Tim Beckham fantasy on Saturday morning, and I’ve been saying to pick him up since he was traded to the Orioles. I’ve also been saying, why exactly did the Rays give him to the O’s, but that’s more of a real baseball question vs. a fantasy one. You can discern real baseball from fantasy because there’s more spitting, but the same amount of scratching.
Mark Trumbo – Will be activated from the DL on Wednesday. He only has to hit 20 homers in six weeks to salvage his season. Nothing to it!
Chris Tillman – Demoted to the bullpen. This is like when a cop gets sent to jail. Now Tillman has to live with the guys who he’s been terrible to all year. “Oh, hey, Richard Bleier, what’s up?” “Well, if it ain’t the guy who had me come into a third inning last game.” *throws him against the wall* “You better not turn your back in the shower!”
