On Saturday, Stephen Strasburg went 7 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 15 Ks, ERA at 2.94. That’s right, fifteen strikeouts, a career high. Ah… If only every starter got to face the Padres in every game…*wavy lines* Hey, Danny Salazar is facing the Padres? This is awesome! Wait, why is he walking a guy with a .260 OBP? Did he just give up a homer to Erick Aybar? He’s having an epileptic fit trying to pronounce Szczur?! He’s wiping a booger on my Reggie Jackson rookie card?! How does he even have my Reggie rookie card?! Mom, did you give Danny Salazar my Reggie rookie card?! Oh my God, make it stop….Please… *wavy lines* Worst dream sequence ever! On this day of BBQs and Memorials, hot dogs and beer, baseball and refreshing our fantasy baseball team page, we can be thankful Strasburg is not a dream. Though, the reality is Strasburg was a 2.62 ERA pitcher in the 1st half last year and a 6.15 ERA pitcher in the 2nd. Happy Memorial Day! Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Joe Ross – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.18. Looked like Worst Dream Sequence Ever, Danny Salazar.
Jhoulys Chacin – 4 1/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 5.77. “I decided to start Jhoulys last week for his 2-start week. I don’t believe I was stoned on quaaludes, but, looking back on that decision, perhaps I was. In his first start of the week, he gave up 7 ER in less than an inning. As I stood on the edge of the tallest building in Los Angeles, I talked myself down like a white Samuel L. Jackson in a remake of The Negotiator. I told myself I had one more start from Jhoulys on Sunday to make up for it. Maybe I could get a win. Then, against all odds, on Sunday the Padres jumped out to a 5-2 lead in the 5th and Chacin was still in the game….” This was how my call to the suicide hotline began.
Ryan Schimpf – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .163. I understand the Padres have some issues and Schimpf does have power, but they’re hitting a .163 hitter cleanup. Oy gevalt.
Brandon Maurer – 1 IP, 0 ER and the save as Brad Hand (1 IP, 0 ER) worked the eighth. Turns out we’re the jerkoffs for thinking the Padres’ closer was a Hand job.
Mark Trumbo – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, hitting .262. Trumbo is overdue for one of those insane homer streaks or my name isn’t Grey Albright, Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it).
Jonathan Schoop – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, hitting .275. He’s not overdue for an insane home run streak. I mean, it could happen, but Schoop feels like a guy that hits 25 homers, while never getting crazy hot.
Charlie Morton – Hit the DL with a strained lat. Players gonna play, haters gonna hate, ain’ters gonna ain’t and perennially injured pitchers are gonna be injured.
Lance McCullers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.48. Yesterday, Cougs asked me why I was feeling so amorous, and I told her it was her new perfume and I asked her to please call me McCullers.
George Springer – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I’m just gonna leave this here:
Ian Kinsler – Hit the 10-day DL with a hamstring strain. What’s a nice Jewish boy doing with a hamstring anyway?
Michael Fulmer – 8 IP, 3 ER, 10 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.65. You know what kind of year he’s having? Porcello’s 2016. Not saying Fulmer will win the Cy Young (without run support), but Fulmer’s having one of those years when you expect the other shoe to drop, and instead the shag carpet remains untouched.
Buck Farmer – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks. It’s the Red State Porn Star, Buck Farmer! Hey, Red State Porn Star, Buck Farmer, what you been up to? “Dressing up my Darlene as Hillary and ramming her in the keister.” Oh-kay. Buck Farmer (you really can’t say his name without saying the whole thing) is about 1/8th of the pitcher he showed on Saturday, so be careful.
Matt Davidson – 1-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting near.450 in the last week with two homers. Hot schmotato alert!
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4 and his 5th homer, third homer in the last week, hitting near-.325 in that time, and, okay, maybe these White Sox aren’t hot as much as the Tigers’ pitching is a mess. Well, besides, Red State Porn Star, Buck Farmer.
Kolten Wong – Hit the DL with an elbow strain. WebMD describes “Wong elbow” as something many teenaged boys struggle with, but is rarely seen in 20-somethings, except those in their hotel room after a day at ComicCon where they spent a long time near a girl doing Ghost in the Shell cosplay. I love how specific WebMD can be. Covering for Wong, a walnut shell. I mean, Greg Garcia (1-for-4 and his 1st homer).
Tommy Pham – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting .333. Is Pham now a starting outfielder? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!
Adrian Beltre – Could be activated today. Joey Gallo (1-for-3, 15th homer) owner, “What does this mean for me?” In a roundabout way, it means Choo will be injured within in a week. Beltre goes to 3rd, Gallo to DH, Choo to OF, and Choo to DL in the landmark case of sooner vs. later.
Andrew Cashner – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 3.96. Oops, sorry, his ERA is 2.92. His K/9 is 3.96. The lowest K-rate in the modern era is Jorge Mario Bergoglio. He pitched for the Cardinals in the 2000’s, and was known for his humility and allowing poor hitters to get a free pass.
Joe Biagini – 6 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.64. Time to take a deeper look at Bighead. His peripherals are solid — 7.9 K/9, 1.9 BB/9, 3.17 xFIP — but a lot of that gorge came as a reliever. As a starter, his ERA is higher, Ks are lower and walks are higher. I’d leave him for the Stream-o-Nator to decide.
Jharel Cotton – 5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.56. How could a guy that sounds like Superman’s father be so, well, human? This is a question that has stumped philosophers in togas for years.
Kendall Graveman – Hit the DL with shoulder soreness. Shoulder soreness takes about a year to recover from, so join me in a well-choreographed eye roll every time the A’s say Graveman’s coming back.
Khris Davis – 1-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .227. The Marla Gibbs Line! Khris is overdue for a four-homer in ten game streak, which shows what kind of hitter he is because he’s in the midst of a four-homer ten-game streak.
Aaron Judge – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 16th homer, hitting .321. “Shove that right up your Buy hole!” says you. You’re mean. What a guy does from game to game right after a Buy means little. I’m talking from now until September, not from Friday’s Buy/Sell until the following Monday.
JC Ramirez – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.38. Yup, 3.38 ERA and owned in 25% of ESPN leagues. No matter what the Stream-o-Nator says, I’d keep streaming him.
Mike Trout – Left yesterday’s game with a thumb sprain. This disapproves the theory that Trout is a robot sent here from the future to make a last place team look more like a next-to-last place team.
Giancarlo Stanton – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 13th homer, and 2nd homer this weekend, hitting .280. When I hear the guitar riff in Seven Nation Army, I hear, “Giancarlo, Giancarlo, Giancarlo, Giancarlo, Giancarlo, Giancarlo.” Is it only me?
J.T. Riddle – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, as he hit leadoff, hitting .258. J.T. Riddle me this, why does it feel like Dee Gordon is in the doghouse? Because he’s hitting .230? Yeah, could be, if that were true. Gordon’s hitting .279. You fell for the oldest trick in the book, mon!
Chase Anderson – 7 IP, 0 ER, 1 Hit, 3 Walks, 11 Ks, ERA at 3.72. Chase is so money, they should name a bank after him! *doorbell rings* “Can I help you?” “We’re the pun police. We’re gonna have to take you downtown for questioning.” “Was it the Chase thing? Okay, off your stares, I’m gonna guess it was. On the way to the station, we need to stop at a daycare. I heard some kid is resisting a rest. What? That one was good!” As for Anderson, his numbers look slightly better than past years, but marginally and not enough for shallower mixed leagues.
Jimmy Nelson – 7 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.83. I kinda hate Miller Park for pitchers, and I’m not the only one, pitchers hate it too. With that said (Grey’s hitting a hard left!), Nelson’s peripherals look decent — 8.6 K/9, 2.6 BB/9, 3.69 xFIP. More interesting to me than his teammate, Chase, for unstints. Of course, now that I look at his next matchup, it’s terrible.
Jonathan Villar – 2-for-4, 1 run as he was dropped to 7th in the order. This could be due to the Brewers facing a lefty, or it could be because Villar has been terrible and looks like a giant bust that would go to Dollywood, and get tapped on the shoulder to turn around only for the tapper to say, “Oh, I saw your giant bust and I thought…Anyway, you’re not her.”
Domingo Santana – 2-for-4, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 7th homer. Domingo hitting on Sunday is the most predictable twist ever. So much more predictable than Eric Thames only hits Reds’ pitching. You think as Thames slides back to the guy that couldn’t stay in the majors he wishes reporters were still asking him about steroids? “I’ll take a pee test right now!” “Um, cool, man, but you’re 1 for your last 25.”
Zack Wheeler – 6 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.83, but left with a blister. It’s a blistpocalypse! How is Blistex not sponsoring every advertisement that is on the back wall behind the catchers?
Gregory Polanco – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd home run in the last three days. Psst, if you wanna sell him low, you better act quick.
Madison Bumgarner – Could begin throwing on Friday. Won’t be back until August. That’s August for baseball; no word on his return to the BMX tour.
Ty Blach – 7 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.83. Fine for ratios, but if you want a good laugh, look at his K-rate. Nolan Ryan would have a better K-rate than him right now, and Nolan is 74 years old.
Johnny Cueto – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA down to 4.37. Do you see that, rest of the league? Cueto said his hand was covered in blisters, and he still pitched well with a hand that resembles Rocky Dennis’ face!
Danny Salazar – 5 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks, ERA at 5.50, and headed to the bullpen. Instead of “a pox on both your houses,” the fantasy baseball version is “a Salazar and Lackey on your teams.”
Josh Tomlin – 9 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.79. I’m not going to defend Suckazar, but Tomlin’s better? Okay, technically, against the same opponent, he was better, but technically means an ally of Technics, so who is he, DJ Red Alert? Do you see how this doesn’t stand up to scrutiny?
Jason Kipnis – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .242, OBP at .274. Maybe this is him coming out of his early season funk, but his strikeouts, line drives and walks are all going the wrong way. He looks like Yunel with the bad average, which is worse than Becky with the good hair.
Jose Ramirez – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd steal. He also has 7 HRs; not in one game, which would be a record. “Barely,” points out Mark Whiten. Ramirez’s numbers are weird (for him). He only had 11 HRs last year, but 22 SBs. This year, he looks more like a 17-homer, 10-steal guy.
Danny Duffy – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.54. As I said a few starts ago, he’ll go back and forth between 3.20 ERA and 3.70 ERA. As an owner, I’ve found the only way you can play this is just by starting him every time out and hoping you get more of the good starts and less the bad. Whoa, moment of clarity. Start a pitcher and hope for more of the good starts than bad? How come no one else came up with this brilliant strategy?
Jorge Bonifacio – 1-for-3 and his 7th homer, and 5th homer in the last nine games. Damn, George Goodface has found some power-up pellets.
Miguel Sano – Slumping Sano (worst Garbage Pail Kid ever!) got a day off yesterday for mental rest. I told you to sell him about two weeks ago. Don’t thank me, just stare into my avatar’s eyes, picturing us together on an island, sipping coconut drinks and reminding each other of our names.
Joe Mauer – 4-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, hitting .283. There’s a woman right now in Minnesota that believes Mauer had a great game because of the bloomers she wore yesterday, and won’t be removing them any time soon. Let that sink in. Subconsciously, I almost misspelled sink.
Steven Souza – 3-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 1st steal, and hit three homers this week. Play that funky music, Souza!
Logan Morrison – 2-for-5 and his 14th homer. But what about Justin Smoak, Tommy Joseph, Justin Bour–I’m getting a headache.
Jon Lester – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.86 vs. Clayton Kershaw – 4 1/3 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 2.37. Before the game, “I’m going to start Lester and Kershaw. What’s the worst thing that could happen?” After the game, *phone sits off its cradle, loud beeping, pan the floor to find a man lying in his own puke*
Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 12th homer. HR to the Rizzo!
Willson Contreras – 2-for-5 and his 5th homer, hitting .241. Also, in this game, Javier Baez (2-for-5) hit his 8th homer; Enrique Hernandez (1-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs) hit his 4th homer; Cody Bellinger (1-for-4, 3 RBIs) hit his 10th homer; Yasiel Puig (2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs) hit his 9th homer and Austin Barnes hit his 2nd homer. We know all of this because Kyle Schwarber kept score.
James Paxton – Will return on Wednesday. He had no setbacks during his rehab, so he’ll likely last a good month before he hits the DL again. If he tops 120 IP this year, I’ll eat my hat. Granted, I’m wearing a hat made of corn chips, so I’m rooting for him.
Christian Bergman – 7 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 4.67. In his last game, he gave up 10 earned runs. So, if you find yourself wanting to grab Christian, bail.
Andrew Knapp – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Fun fact! When Philly announcers see Knapp on the bench, they have to distract themselves so they don’t say, “Check out the Knapp-y dugout.” As for fantasy, I grabbed Knapp in one NL-Only league, but he plays once every few games, so meh elsewhere.
Adam Duvall – 3-for-4, 5 RBIs and his 12th and 13th homers. Also, in this game, Scott Schebler homered. Guess who has more homers, Duvall or Schebler? Nope, Schebler. Yesterday was his 15th.
Patrick Kivlehan – 2-for-4 and two solo homers (2, 3). There’s a rumor that George R.R. Martin stopped writing The Winds of Winter because he started a fan-fiction site about Kivlehan. The way-too-sensitive warlock/snowflake, Kivlehan, clad in a Cincinnati Reds jersey must battle for playing time while having unwanted sex with the Ghost of Marge Schott. George R.R.’s flexing a different fantasy muscle. This time fantasy baseball.
