Everyone is so sad at the Shohei Ohtani news that he needs Tommy John surgery. People being sad at this has me gobsmacked. He had elbow problems when he signed with the Angels, then a Grade 1 sprain of his UCL became a partial tear in June. He threw a whopping 25 IP the previous year. Were people really ostrich’ing their heads into the sand to the point where they didn’t see the writing on the wall? Of course, he needs Tommy John surgery. How is this awful news? It was awful news for Angels fans when we first heard of the elbow issues. It’s not awful news now. It’s actually great news because he has a chance to be healthy again in 2020, instead of becoming Garrett Richards, Tyler Skaggs, Matt Shoemaker and every other pitcher the Angels shoved towards PRP injections rather than getting them healthy. Did people really think pitching a guy was the answer to a torn UCL? Seriously, people thought this? Sad news that people are surprised by the least surprising thing since finding out taco diarrhea burns. This would be like a memo coming out of Nike headquarters that says something like, “This Kaepernick thing is great for business, who cares about the politics?” You mean a company is trying to sell products? Get out of here! You want seriously sad news? Ohtani and the Angels haven’t decided he will have Tommy John surgery yet. That’s sad! Maybe they’ll just let him be a hitter as he was yesterday (4-for-4, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and a double slam (17, 18) and legs (7) and mouth-to-mouth’d a baby chick back to life). A torn UCL hasn’t looked that good since LiAngelo Ball tried to get paid twice from selling one ripped jersey in China. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Adrian Beltre – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Or two times he looked at someone like he was going to cold-cock them for touching his head.
Mike Foltynewicz – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.75. The Sawx did us Faultywirewitz owners a solid by, appropriately, putting their number #2 lineup out there. Of course, it didn’t matter for the Braves bullpen that hosed and cost me my win. Shame on you, Winkler, you are not cool like the Fonz.
Ronald Acuna Jr. – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 24th homer. Don’t want to use all my exclamations on Tildaddy, but he’s 20 years old and has only played 88 games. Some people wanna tell you it means nothing how young he is, but, as Chuck D once said, check what you’re listening to. If Acuña only gets a smidge better over the course of the next four seasons, he could be a 40/20/.315 guy throughout his peak. In other words, Mike Trout.
Brandon Phillips – 1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Good to see this youngster get a chance. All the great prospects can’t come up, but happy to see this one. I hear he has an 80-grade bat. Or maybe they meant that as in, “If he were still in school, he’d be in the 80th grade because he’s so old.”
Corey Kluber – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.75. I didn’t bother to research Kluber (peak fantasy baseball ‘pertise!), but I get the feeling I am going to be so off of Kluber next year and not just because he’ll be too highly ranked.
Brad Keller – 7 IP, 1 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.14. His K/9 is 6.1 and his walk rate is 3.3. So, nice ERA, but he’s not good. Any Keller can see that!
Sandy Alcantara – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 0.75. Raise you hand if you think his last name sounds like a singer at an Italian restaurant. Fine, I’ll be the only one and type the rest of this blurb with one hand. Alcantara’s K/9 and BB/9 are 6 and 5.25, respectively. Or disrespectively, that’s awful. Stream-o-Nator has him as a negative, and I’m staying away.
Jose Peraza – 2-for-4 and his 10th homer, hitting .284. I wonder if anyone mentions to Jim Riggleman something along the lines of, “Hey, uh, Coach, you’re leading with Billy Hamilton (0-for-5, hitting .239). Uh, why?”
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer, hitting .186. Know what I have to say to that batting average…Release the Butt Cracken! By the way, to everyone who drafted Gary Sanchez in the 1st few rounds this year, well done. You really paid attention.
Mike Fiers – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.36. This pitcher is on Fiers………He’s on Fiers…………Fiers…….. Did that sound like Alicia Keys in your head? It did in mine. Too bad you’re not in my head. OR ARE YOU?!
Trevor Story – 3-for-4 and his 29th, 30th and 31st homer. He hit the longest home run in Statcast history at 505 feet. The previous record was Giancarlo, also at Coors at 504 feet. That’s more than five Yoenises. There’s a story of a man named Story. He’s also about to go 30/30, which hasn’t been done since 2012 (Trout/Braun), along with Jose Ramirez and Betts. Can Story sneeze some of his goodness on Arenado? Asking for a friend. Okay, I’m the friend. Thanks for making me feel bad! OR DID I?!
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, and his 5th and 6th homer, hitting .212. Just peeked at his age. Doode’s only 28! Why then do I visually see his knees clicking as he rounds the bases?
Aledmys Diaz – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 17th homer, hitting .254. I can’t wait to draft Aledmys next year and drop him before the first week of the season is over. Chomping at the bit!
Billy McKinney – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 4th homer, as he hits leadoff, hitting .352. Damn, was so close to picking him up. Though, I did pick up Mikie Mahtook, so maybe my waiver wire goggles are fogged. “Help! It’s the fog of fantasy war!” That’s me walking down a half-empty subway car. Thinking I might make McKinney (say that fast 117 times!) the lede buy this week, so not sure how much I want to say, but he’s hitting near-.400 in the last week with three homers in the last ten games, so there’s a hot schmotato in his bones.
Michael Kopech – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 5.02, and another start of his was interrupted by rain. He also gave up four homers: Jeimer Candelario (3-for-6, 2 runs and his 17th homer); Ronny Rodriguez (1-for-4, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and his first legs); Mikie Mahtook (1-for-4 and his 7th homer) and JaCoby Jones (1-for-5 and his 10th homer). So, when it’s not raining organically, Kopech is making it rain for other teams.
Hyun-Jin Ryu – 6 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.47. Live with me for a second, I had Foltynewicz, Ryu and Pivetta going yesterday. Two easy matchups (Marlins/Mets) and one matchup where they pulled the goalie (Red Sox). How many wins do I have to show for it? Lady Luck, you’re a C**nt Hurdle!
Max Muncy – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 32nd homer, hitting .254. The Dodgers have to be the worst best-looking team I’ve ever seen. Brian Dozier (0-for-3, and now hitting 8th) must be like Elizabeth Jennings’ cyanide pill. I’d say spoiler alert, but that cyanide pill got dropped from the storyline like Philip’s son in Russia. Ooh, that definitely was a spoiler. Hey, at least I didn’t say Martha dies. Damn it! I said that too. But is it true?
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 22nd homer. I’d love to see him get to 30 homers this year, but I’d also except, “Struggles to hit 22 homers, but lights the world on fire next year under a different manager, blaming everything on Dave Roberts.”
Kenley Jansen – Won’t travel to Colorado, so Ryan Madson and Kenta Maeda should see save chances. A guy can’t go somewhere there’s high altitudes due to his heart, and you’re worried about your fantasy team. Not judging, just saying what is going on here. By the way, I don’t want to be a liberal, mouth breather, caring about other people and whatnot, but Jansen can’t travel to Colorado because of its elevation, are we at all worried about him traveling, ya know, anywhere in a plane? Last I heard, planes travel at high elevations.
Zack Wheeler – 7 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.39. His 2nd half ERA is 1.50. The Mets really had to assemble a terrible hitting team to waste Wheeler, deGrom and Syndergaard. They could’ve traded for J.A. Happ and Luke Voit and been a .500 team.
Framber Valdez – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.37. Fun fact! Framber is the name of the guy who plays the grapes in the Fruit of the Looms commercial. Less fun fact, he’s a bullpen lefty arm who is overperforming in the majors and has a 6.9 K/9 and 4.6 BB/9. I wouldn’t touch him unless desperate.
Evan Gattis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 25th homer, hitting .231. No knock on the CBS guys and their preseason ranking of Gattis in the top 20 overall, which is as legitimately crazy today as it was then, but does it bother any of you who use other people’s rankings when they see those people just move onto fantasy football? Some ‘perts just don’t feel invested. Maybe I’m too invested, this could definitely be true. But when I see guys just drop baseball in August, it drives me crazy. You told everyone to draft Gattis ridiculously high, and now you’re abandoning them to give terrible football advice, and then next year you will be back to give terrible baseball advice and on and on.
Alex Bregman – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 29th homer. Elias Sports Bureau said, “If Bregman wins the MVP, it will be the first MVP won because J.D. Martinez got busted with PEDs the last week of the season.”
Willians Astudillo – 1-for-2 and his 2nd homer. Phil Collins Voice, “A-a-astudillo.”
Mitch Haniger – 1-for-4 and his 24th homer. Why is Haniger hitting leadoff and Denard Span is hitting fifth? Is Haniger Denard and Ben Revere’s long-lost triplet? I know, Denard Span went 3-for-3, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and had a slam (11) and legs (8), but that’s besides the point. He’s a leadoff man and Haniger is a five-hole hitter. Guess we should be glad Dee Gordon’s hitting ninth and accept the small victories.
Jhoulys Chacin – 4 2/3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 3.70. Don’t worry, Brewers fans, Curtis Granderson hit a home run to make it a close loss! I hear Gio Gonzalez is going to be taking Junior Guerra’s spot in the rotation. To which, Nats fans are sipping tea.
Daniel Murphy – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 10th homer, hitting .304. I haven’t a clue where I’m going to be putting him next year in the rankings. Probably around 75-100 overall, but will it be enthusiastically?
Jose Quintana – 6 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.14. At this point, I’m rooting for him to get his ERA just below 4.00, so people are bamboozled into drafting him again.
Tanner Roark – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 4.23. And two straight poor starts even with his 2nd half ERA barely being 2.00 means nothing anymore and goodbye.
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 19th and 20th homer. Big game, hoorah, but something else is bothering me. Is it me or does it feel like this year has more head-scratching substitutions? Adams is having a great game, obviously locked in, feeling the love, it’s a close game and he gets pulled. The Shildt Head did a number two in his brain.
Carlos Martinez – 2 IP, 0 ER, and his 1st save. Some clarity on the Cards’ bullpen! *places head in door frame, slams door on head* Before you call C-Mart the closer, I doubt he can return to the mound for at least three days.
Marcell Ozuna – 4-for-5. OZUNA locked in finally. Up until this week, OZUNA locked in milk can like Houdini. OZUNA still Mr. Bumble bases loaded in 9th inning with one out.
Yairo Munoz – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer, 2nd homer in three games and hitting near-.400 in that time, so hot schmotato alert! But on a side note, this mad me laugh. You know how douchebags (and Greek people) always say, “Gyro is pronounced year-o?” Well, Munoz’s name is apparently the exact opposite, because yesterday the Nats’ announcers were like, “Year-o…” “No, it’s jiro…”
Miles Mikolas – 6 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 12 baserunners (0 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 3.06. Now has two subpar starts in his last three and three in his last five. I wonder if the long season is starting to drag on this fine, mustachioed man. Stream-o-Nator likes his next start, and I could see giving him one more to prove himself.