Shohei Ohtani = So I One Hit? Hah!

Yesterday, Shohei Ohtani went 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 1 walk, 12 Ks, ERA at 4.40, and 2-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs, and is that one of the best single game performances of all-time? Yes. So commonplace from Ohtani that it’s become expected? Also, yes. He’s just so good always, that it’s kinda like a pimp’s favorite phrase, ho-hum. What more can you say? I can’t do a lede for Ohtani after every one of his extraordinary performances, because they’re going to happen once a week. Is he one of the greatest players ever? Yes. What’s truly remarkable and shows you how incredible he is: He’s on a team with a top 20 hitter of all-time and he’s made people forget about Mike Trout. Making Mike Trout obsolete on Mike Trout’s team? That is truly extraOhtaniary. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:

Jared Walsh – 0-for-4, 1 run as he bats third. Ya know what’s nuts? Like certifiably crazy? Platooning your three-hole hitter.

Jose Altuve – Hit the IL. Finally, a player is injured that I don’t have on any teams!

Alec Bohm – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs, and his 1st homer, hitting .476. The other day I said something like, “There’s hasn’t been many homers hit this year.” And that’s me paraphrasing me! Now, ESPN’s coming out with a report that says homers are down. Well, yeah, durr. Leave it to ESPN to talk about something days, weeks or even years after someone else has said it. Home runs are down, literally. Now that we’ve said that, Rob Manfred will call up his Guatemalan baseball seamstresses, like he’s Frankenstein at his plastic surgeon’s, and tell them to tighten up those stitches. The Super Bouncy Ball will be back by this time next week, depending on how quickly those seamstresses can stitch up a ball or two, like they’re Mitch Haniger’s doctor. Any hoo! In Coors, there was still some air out there for the Phillies’ bats. Johan Camargo (4-for-5, 3 RBIs, and his 1st homer), or Camargoadams as Wade Boggs calls him, had a career day. Might be the start of a hot schmotato run. Kyle Schwarber (1-for-3, 3 runs, 2 RBIs, and his 4th homer) and Nick Castellanos (3-for-4, 2 runs, and his 3rd homer) did what they’re paid to do — bally go bye-bye with two bombs. Speaking of which, and why we’re here, Alec Bohm. Okay, he’s not a .476 hitter, but this was why I wanted to draft him in every league last year. He’s an incredibly high-contact guy who has some light power. Think Ty France by way of Philly. Call him Chez Wit Whiz. I could see adding him everywhere to see if Chez Wit Whiz can emerge with everyday playing time and value.

Austin Riley – Out on paternity leave. On Tuesday, he stole his 1st base of his career. Now it makes sense, get it out of the way, because once you have a kid, you have no time for anything.

Charlie Morton – 5 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 6.32. Not-so-Ground Chuck is struggling to locate early but his velocity is there, and I’d try to remain patient. I know, easier said than done.

Tony Gonsolin – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 0.69. That’s why we call him Tony Gonsolingus. I would’ve drafted Gonsolin in every league if I could’ve, but alas. Now, I’d still grab him if I could.

Freddie Freeman – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. In three career games vs. the Braves, Freeman has two homers. If Freeman were on the Mets for the last 12 years, he’d be approaching 800 career homers.

Andrew Heaney – Hit the IL with shoulder discomfort. Fantasy Baseball Overlord had Heaney in past seasons when Heaney was expected to breakout and never did, but now he had him nowhere, so he decided to smite him. A very normal, and vindictive overlord.

Daulton Varsho – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many days. He’s not hitting cheapies, and I feel like I misjudged his power, in that I thought it was lighter weight.

Merrill Kelly – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 0.59. Merrill-y, Merrill-y, Merrill-y, his season start has been a dream. His velocity is up, his Ks are way up, and he’s only had one easy matchup. Not yet convinced it’s not a small sample, but I’m grabbing him just in case.

Matt Manning – Hit the IL with a not-serious-is-what-they’re-saying-but-a-not-serious-shoulder-injury-does-not-exist shoulder injury.

Tyler Stephenson – Hit the 7-day concussion IL. Seven days is how long it will take him to stop wanting to beat Luke Voit’s ass.

MacKenzie Gore – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 1.74. You will get Gore’d with a roofie at some point, because rookie pitchers all roofie, but Gore should have a better chance than most to be productive his rookie year. That’s a long way of saying I like him, and would roster him.

Jurickson Profar – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s rostered in 57% of ESPN leagues, so if you’re still looking at him on waivers in your league, you’re in the 43 percent. Let’s get him to over 80%.

Rowdy Tellez – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. They used to build things in this country, now they just feed a guy named Rowdy fastballs and everyone’s mouth goes boingo. Friday’s Buy/Sell is already available on the Patreon, and Rowdy will appear there.

Keston Hiura – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. HE’S BACK! Wait, I’m being told one good at-bat in two years doesn’t mean a guy is back.

Brandon Woodruff – 6 IP, 0 ER, 1 hit, 2 walks, 9 Ks, ERA at 4.30. Nick Pivetta is a trade to the Brewers seven years ago from being a future Hall of Famer.

Mitch Keller – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 6.23. Keller is a trade anywhere from being a Cy Young winner.

Miles Mikolas – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.76. Pretty bored by Mikolas, in general, but I cannot tell a fib, I picked him up in a 12-team mixed league.

Nolan Arenado – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer, hitting .368. Printing out my Nolan Arenado schmohawk post, writing “CROW” on it and placing it by my open mouth–NOOOO!!! Torenado!

Sandy Alcantara – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.86. Fun fact! Sandy is the only non-Jesus on the Marlins.

Anthony Rizzo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (2). HR and SB to the Rizzo! The Yankees are the perfect landing spot for our first Zombino sighting.

Eduardo Rodriguez – 6 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.27. Last year his April ERA was 5.87, and you drafted him this year, so you might want to chillax.

Luis Severino – 5 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.08. He looks great, and he’s giving me major envy pangs — where’s Mike Clevinger?

Chris Bassitt – 6 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.00. The Regression Fairies protested to get Britney’s conservatorship lifted and they will rip the heart out of your ratio’s chest.

Carlos Rodon – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 1.06. I shouldn’t have been out on him in the preseason. Live and learn, and I’m human and still learning. Rodon was priced decent-enough in drafts, and if you get 120 IP from him (or anyone), it’s as good as most solid number twos. It’s not like you can count on a lot of innings from anyone.

Brandon Belt – 1-for-3 and his 4th homer. Belt’s really tapped into some late-career power. Like a retiree who goes back to work at the local arcade and wears one of those change belts and says, “Now I have all the power!” Exactly like that.

Jake McGee – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 2nd save, ERA at 2.08. The Giants are so good (with a lot of old guys no one wants, and they’re all likely cheating) that there’s room for two closers, which it seems like they have with McGee and Doval.

Marcus Stroman – 4 1/3 IP, 7 ER, ERA at 8.78. Ya know what I was thinking about recently? You, “How much you miss MF DOOM?” Yeah, true, but that’s not what I was thinking related to this. I was thinking how many times NL pitchers would be lifted if their hitting spot came up to bat, but now they’re sent back out there to take more lumps. Either way, I’d try to hold Stroman, but obviously on your bench until we see something better.

Sean Newcomb – Acquired by the Cubs. That means they now have the Newcomb’ler option.

Francisco Mejia – 2-for-3, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .348. Donkey Teeth and I grabbed Mejia in our 15-team mixed league to fill-in for the injured Danny Jansen, and so far, so–Well, Zack Collins would’ve been a better add, and was available, but not bad on Mejia. Also, Mejia should really be the starting catcher in Tampa. No offense to Zunino, because, well, yeah, no offense.

Logan Gilbert – 6 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 0.54. Wonder if he could help out my man Robbie Ray. Tighten his pants for him or something.

Nick Pivetta – 4 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 10.03. That’s a 2.30 ERA if he were on the Brewers. I did the math!

Raimel Tapia – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (1) and legs (1). I love Tapia way more than anyone has any right to love Tapia. With Springer ding’er’d up, there might be a little bit more Tapia than just for the Teoscar fill-in, which is still totally a thing.

Jose Berrios – 6 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 6.35. This is why we need to exercise patience, grasshopper.

Scott Barlow – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 1.35, and his 1st save, as Staumont entered the 8th inning. Why doesn’t Matheny just come to my house while I’m sleeping and apply Joker makeup to my face?

Daniel Lynch – 5 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks, ERA at 5.40. Way too early for him in shallower leagues, but I’ve been super impressed with him in the few starts I’ve watched, and think he should already be on 15-team mixed league radars.

Daulton Jefferies – 6 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 1.17. If Streamonator is lukewarm on the A’s starters, but they’re at home, I could see risking it for the biscuit. Also, just about anyone going against the disgrA’s, i.e., Jordan Lyles – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.52.

Jorge Lopez – 1 2/3 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 2.57, and his 2nd save. Highest compliment I can give a player is I wish I had shares of them, and this very noble compliment I bestow on Lopez.

Shane Bieber – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.25. He’s averaging 90.2 MPH, which sucks, and is throwing more sliders than Popeye trying to distract Wimpy.

Dallas Keuchel – 1 IP, 8 ER, ERA at 16.50 with the big blow a grand slam from Jose Ramirez (2-for-7, 5 RBIs, and his 4th homer). In other words, Who Shot Dallas? JR.