Trekked to Nepal on Sunday to ask the biggest Buddha I could find for some answers. (Bigger the Buddha, the more insightful. Everyone knows that shizz.) “Buddha, in all your infinite wisdom, how do I resist writing a 2026 fantasy baseball sleeper for Noelvi Marte and keep it about this year? Also, while I have you, why do waiters bring you the check instead of just telling you what you owe? It’s not like when you’re somewhere else they present you with a bill? If I’m buying some shirts, they don’t hand me a fancy little itemized check. Also, why is it RBIs and not RsBI? Do you have a limit on questions? If so, I guess mostly the 1st question about Noelvi Marte.” I stared at the statue for what felt like forever (it was 15 seconds), but it didn’t react. That was when I knew I had to find the answers deep within myself. But, before that, I whine-screamed, “Tell me!” and was dragged out of the temple. Yesterday, Noelvi Marte went 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs with his 8th home run to deep center, which had to go at least 420 feet with utter ease. [doing bare minimum research] Okay, it was 427 feet. Marte’s last two games were 6-for-9, homer, four doubles, 4 runs, 5 RBIs and .837 OPS on the year. Even more incredibly, his strikeout rate on the year is 18.6%. Shows that it’s not always a perfect arc from top prospect to superstar, but Marte seems headed there. “Right?!” I scream back through the temple window, “Say something Buddha!” Anyway, here’s what else I saw this weekend in fantasy baseball:
Miguel Andujar – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 7th homer, as he hit cleanup acting as the DH. You know who Andujar kinda reminds me of? Christian Encarnacion-Strand. (I’m making a subtle comment on the Reds playing Andujar while CES rots in the minors.)
Spencer Steer – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 14th homer. His homer was an absolute bomb, 439 feet. (Since I was looking for Noelvi, I figured I may as well. Don’t say I never did nothing for you.)
Luis Morales – 2 2/3 IP, 0 hits, 5 BBs, 4 Ks, ERA at 1.93 as he was recalled up by the A’s, and made his 1st MLB start, though he kinda acted as a middle reliever who happened to start the game. As my Friday J.J. Wetherholt fantasy Buy thingie-ma-jiggy shows, I’m fine with grabbing bats for the final six-plus weeks, but MiLB arms at this point are kinda whatever. They’re all pushing the limits of how many innings they can throw, so them or a Streamonator call? Really that different? No. With that said (finally about Morales!), he’s a fun, big arm that touches high 90’s and an insane curve. If this were April, I’d be telling everyone to pick him up. Now? Meh, and he’s super young; not sure why he was called up, but it’s good omen for next year.
Luis Severino – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. A’s replaced one Luis with another Luis, because of quotas.
Jack Perkins – 6 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.08. This start was vs. the O’s, so maybe small grain of salt, but how’d this guy go from closer to six innings in, like, a week? Everyone else needs a minor league assignment to stretch out, then comes back and still only throws four innings. I am clearly gobsmacked. I am smacked of gob.
Jordan Westburg – 1-for-5 and his 14th homer, 2nd homer in a week. Cool, but also: Why are Basallo and Dylan Beavers in the minors? Orioles are quickly becoming my least favorite franchise. Fire Elias yesterday.
Keegan Akin – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 3.56, 4th blown save. That’s Akin to not worth the occasion save.
Cade Povich – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.95. His underlying numbers are actually much better than I expected to see. A bit of a shocker on Povich, like finding out your kid doesn’t just look like the mailman, there’s a DNA test to confirm. Streamonator hates his next one, and can’t say I trust him enough for it.
Tarik Skubal – Will have his next start pushed back a day for an extra day of rest. Geez, the God complex on this guy.
Matt Vierling – Hit the IL with an oblique strain. Shame, I just had him slotted in 17th on my Sunday FAAB list, in case I didn’t get the first 16 guys. Y’all do this with FAAB too? I want to replace, say, Fraley, and I’m prolly fine to go, like, two players deep but instead I bid on everyone. Anyway, maybe a me problem.
Riley Greene – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. Also, in this game, Kerry Carpenter (2-for-3, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 21st homer). They’re both hitting .269. Nice!
Nolan Schanuel – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer. National audience is gonna learn about this guy during the playoffs, if the Angels win 19 of their next 20 games.
Luis Rengifo – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 7th homer. He only has four steals, and might be low-key one of my worst draft picks. Ron Washington left the Angels, and their interim manager, Ray Montgomery, clearly doesn’t know the pact we made in March. I would draft Rengifo, and he’d steal bases with an under-10% success rate.
Cedric Mullins – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer. Cedric the Hrtainer bringing back the Original Kings of Comedy to Queens.
Sean Manaea – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA at 4.33 vs. Quinn Priester – 4 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.49. This matchup was billed pregame as, “Ugh, I like both of these guys, I guess I’ll start them both and hope for a pitchers’ duel…” And postgame was billed as, “Speaking of duels, en garde! You killed my fantasy team, prepare to die!”
William Contreras – 3-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th and 12th homer, hitting .255. Feel like there’s more catchers who DH this year than any year I can remember*. *I can remember to 2021.
Isaac Collins – 3-for-5, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .295. The Bartender rang the bell and told the Mets, you don’t have to go home, but you can’t stay here, as he hit a walk-off.
Jason Alexander – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 5.02. Something poetic about Jason Alexander owning the Yankees in his return to Yankee Stadium, where he once acted as traveling secretary.
Jose Altuve – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 21st homer. By the way, Altuve once again is the best 2nd baseman on the Player Rater. A position that is awful that he’s dominated for years, i.e., Altuve winning the world’s tallest midget contest, yearly.
Carlos Correa – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 9th homer. I like how Correa seems to enjoy playing the bad guy. Shame he’s not a better fantasy player.
Luis Gil – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 7.27. Better! Good enough to grab? Kinda on the fence on that one. Guess depends on how badly you need Ks, the one category I trust for him.
Max Fried – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.94. Another subpar start? Ugh, I hate that. [discreetly fist pumps]
Sonny Gray – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.06. Sonny Gray and Jesus Luzardo walk into a bar. Bartender says, “You’re both the reason why my customers drink.”
Matt Shaw – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 9th homer, 2nd homer in two games, and 3rd homer in four games. Hot schmotato alert!
Ha-Seong Kim – 2-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. Does it ever work out when you stash a guy in your IL in March?
Joe Boyle – 3 1/3 IP, 6 ER, ERA at 3.82. Welp, that sucked. I forgot JRod is great in the 2nd half and Cal Raleigh is Babe Ruth and Seattle is the 1927 Mariners.
Bryan Woo – 6 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA at 3.08. He’s the first pitcher since Clayton Kershaw in 2019 to start the season with 23 straight starts of 6+ innings. Woo.
Josh Naylor – 1-for-2, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Sat him this weekend because of the shoulder injury and–Sonavabench!
Cal Raleigh – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 45th homer, hitting .247. What if Babe Ruth’s eternal soul was transported into Raleigh’s ass? Is that legal? Is no one going to check on this?
Shohei Ohtani – 2-for-4 and a slam (41) and legs (17). And he’s doing it without Babe Ruth possessing his ass!
Freddie Freeman – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer. The power is first thing to go, the average is the next, i.e., see Joey Votto’s final years for Freeman’s 2026.
Blake Treinen – 1 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 4.63. Forget closing games, get in a garbage can and close the lid.
Blake Snell – 5 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 2.37. A pitcher that actually returned from the IL and wasn’t awful? I’ll be! Call the Vatican’s miracle hotline we got ourselves a certifiable one!
Tyler Glasnow – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.08. He has his BB/9 (4.6) in almost ten years, but, then again, he’s only made 11 starts.
Eric Lauer – 3 IP, 3 ER, ERA at 2.82. He added in 10 baserunners, as he tied his owners to the WHIPping post, of which I was one. Didn’t enjoy that even though I like BDSM (Big Dom Smith Moments).
Vladimir Guerrero Jr. – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 19th homer, 3rd homer this week. Coincidentally, a bunch of 1st basemen hit their 19th or 20th homer on Sunday, and I don’t think I want any of them next year. We need new 1st basemen, badly.
Addison Barger – 1-for-4 and his 18th homer. Addison or Vlad next year? Okay, Vlad, but they’re that far apart?
Slade Cecconi – 3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.11. “Slade in the stream, Slade in the stream, children…God said he’s gonna be trouble in the stream…”
Kyle Manzardo – 1-for-3 and his 19th and 20th homer, hitting .244. Manzardo or Pasquantino next year? Flip a coin? Who still carries change?
Colson Montgomery – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 9th homer, hitting .238. That’s nine homers since the break. Is this a star mitzvah? Jakkers just gave you his Colson Montgomery keeper profile.
Lenyn Sosa – 2-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 14th homer, 3rd homer in the week. Been a hot schmotato for a minute, and a minute is about six weeks, in this case.
Joc Pederson – 1-for-1, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer, hitting .148. He might be the worst hitter in the majors this year. He was hitting cleanup yesterday. Bochy’s all head, no brains.
Zack Wheeler – 5 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.68. Phils are coasting to the playoffs; they should really shut down Wheeler for a few weeks to try to get him right. He hasn’t been right since just before the All-Star Break.
Jesus Luzardo – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.20. Did enough people drop him before this start to perk him up to pitch well? Is that what’s going on? Is it Jesus Luzardo: Passive Aggressive Starter?
Kyle Karros – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs as he was called up this weekend to play third for the Rockies and act as a bridge to a new generation learning about Eric Karros, as the 2nd best person born in Hackensack, New Jersey with great hair. Me being the 1st. Sorry, Karros! And don’t think about offing me to become the number one — it’s alive or dead, and I got the mantle! He does have good hair though. Any hoo! Kyle went 6/7/.301 with 18.4% K% in 75 minor league games, and a robust 12.7 BB%. Not a bad NL-Only flyer, but I’d have to see a hot streak for mixed leagues.
Brenton Doyle – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 10th homer, and 2nd homer in two games. Quick, hurry up, bench him!
Noah Cameron – 5 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.52. Royals’ pitching coach, whoever that may be, just back there anointing aces. Streamonator even loves his next one.
Ryan Bergert – 5 2/3 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 2.87. If I were King Charles, I’d knight the Royals’ pitching coach, right after learning what his name was. They’d be like, “Here comes Sir What’s-His-Face to the mound to discuss how to attack this hitter.”
Vinnie Pasquantino – 1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 20th homer, hitting .258. Pasketti getting to 25 homers this year with a .265 average would have him be about what you’d expect in March, but, boy, is he boring to roster. By the way, him calling himself Pasquatch is corny, I’m sorry. I hate yucking people’s yums, but Pasquatch is very try-hard.
Bailey Ober – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 5.16, moving his record to 4-7. Crazy thing with starters is a guy with a 5+ ERA and less than five wins can be an ace next year.
Ryan Fitzgerald – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 1st career MLB homer. On one hand, he’s 31 years old. On the other hand, Kevin Costner has a subject for The Rookie 2.
Luke Keaschall – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer, a walk-off homer, hitting .415. Are you not entertained!? Well, I don’t have him in any leagues, and now his Sunday FAAB price will be more expensive. I was being rhetorical, Random Italicized Voice. Oh, okay.
Brad Lord – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 3.28. Wishing I had Brad instead of Hunter Brown for the last month, help me, Lord!
MacKenzie Gore – 6 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Righting the ship for little ol’ me? [blushing] Oh, Gore! You shouldn’t have!
CJ Abrams – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 15th homer. That’s nice, but when I think of the Nats this weekend, I’m mostly just happy James Wood (2-for-5, 1 run, 4 RBIs) came out of his slump.
Justin Verlander – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 4.53, as he recorded his 3,500th strikeout. The lowercase yay of how to achieve a career milestone.
Brayan Bello – 5 2/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 3.25. Streamonator loves his next one, and I don’t see why can’t look past this hiccup like adults playing fantasy baseball.
Michael King – 2 IP, 2 ER, ERA at 2.81, as he was activated from the IL. Going to write this before his start and let’s see how well I do, “Wow, I expected something but not that!” How’d I do?
Dylan Cease – 6 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.52. He got through six innings with zero runs allowed, and I figured next time I checked in it would be 7 IP, 4 ER. Whew, only two. Him melting down in his final inning is the most predictable thing in baseball.
Sandy Alcantara – 5 IP, 5 ER, ERA at 6.55. I am kinda curious what on earth happened to Sandy. He’s pretty comfortably the absolute worst starter in baseball.
Hurston Waldrep – 6 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 1.54. Sounds like he should be Hurston Waldrep, the III. Bit late in the year for the Braves to pull a Touki out of their hat with a guy who’s better in the majors than the minors, but he had a 4.9 BB/9 and 4.42 ERA in Triple-A this year in 91 2/3 IP, and has cut that walk rate in half and ERA by more than half. Because: Of course.
Matt Olson – 2-for-3, 2 runs and his 19th homer, hitting .262. He’s hitting for a higher average than last year, but the Braves should bring the fences in.
Marcell Ozuna – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 19th homer, and three homers in two games. Ozuna received a phone call from his agent on Friday. “Hola, Marcell, I usually speak Spanish to you, but have someone translate this to you: You’re in a contract year!”
Michael Harris II – 2-for-4 and his 12th homer, 2nd homer in three games and three homers in a week. Ten days ago, he had nine homers. Glad he’s doing something now, but holy shizz that’s awful. And it was with a .235 average (now .241).
Joey Wentz – 5 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners (3 BBs), 2 Ks, ERA at 5.03. Three walks to two Ks is not a good start. So, there that Wentz. Also, in this game, there was first female ump calling balls and strikes, and, crotched in there like a 20-year pro, she did her profession proud as she botched the very first call of the game.
