To paraphrase Collective Soul, “Diamondbacks, your cup runneth over with outfielders. Don’t scream about! Don’t think aloud! Trade an outfielder now, baby! Just spit him out! Don’t worry about! Don’t speak of doubt! Turn your organization’s head and spit Trumbo out!” From Collective Soul’s website (that was surprisingly not a Geocities site or Myspace), they’re still touring. Coming to a church bingo hall near you! So, the Mariners acquired Mark Trumbo and Vidal Nuno for Welington Castillo, Dominic Leone, Jack Reinheimer and Gabby Guerrero. During one of the games I took in at spring training this year, I screamed at Guerrero, “Hey, number ninety-two,” because I had no idea who he was and the media guide only went up to ninety-one. Then I jawed at Guerrero for about ten minutes, giving him a little taste of some major league heckling. Now that I realize who he was, it turns out we were both Gabby. This doesn’t do anything major to anyone’s value. Diamondbacks were one of the best team offenses in this little thing we call reality, so if anything, Trumbo takes the smallest of hits. Park-wise, Mark can be Trumbomb or Trumboner anywhere, so I’m not concerned. The ones that get the biggest value boost here are David Peralta (2-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs) and Castillo. Welington relocates his boeuf to the desert and becomes an everyday catcher with 15-homer power and a .270 average. Definitely grab him in NL-Only and two-catcher leagues. Peralta will have a chance to prove himself, but he’s more of a 14-homer, 8-steal guy, so nothing huge. This does stop the Diamondbacks from benching A.J. Pollock (2-for-4, 2 runs, 7th homer, and 2nd in as many games; grab him!), Ender Inciarte (0-for-5) and Yasmany Tomas (3-for-5, 2 runs, 1 RBI) when Jake Lamb returns. Or as Lamb would say, “Not baaaaah for either team.” Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rubby de la Rosa – 5 IP, 7 ER. That’s the worst Rubby I’ve had since I accidentally grabbed the Icy/Hot. Peripherals-schmpherals, get off my team!
Mike Foltynewicz – 5 2/3 IP, 4 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. I learned how to say your name for this?!
Freddie Freeman -2-for-5, 4 RBIs and two homers (9, 10). Okay, but he struck out twice too!
Cameron Maybin – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs, hitting around .300 in his last seven games. Maybin feels like the type that will lose playing time or get hurt at any minute, but he has been hitting and playing.
Ryan Braun – Flew to Los Angeles to get a cryotherapy shot on his thumb. I would’ve opted for the wheatgrass. By the by, you’ll hear me roll my eyes on the last podcast when JB says Braun’s thumb is fine. It’s fairly quiet and under some cackling, but the eye roll sound is there.
Gerardo Parra – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. With Khris Davis out, I’d be remhiss in not saying Parra will be getting everyday at-bats. Likely more of a deeper league get, but any guy that gets four hits in a game with a homer is likely a hot schmotato.
Jean Segura – 2-for-5, 1 run. I love Segura way more than is justified for almost no discernible reason. It’s like when you liked that girl in high school and now you look at her post on Facebook with her cats and her chins and her Nick Jonas Spotify updates and you can’t understand what it was that ever did it for you.
John Lackey – 7 IP, 3 ER, 11 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 2.93. I get the feeling that Lackey could pitch for the Cardinals until he’s 78 years old and they’d still coach him to a sub-4 ERA. In fact! If Jimmy Nelson was on the Cards, he’d be as good as Wacha.
Francisco Liriano – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA down to 3.24. Liriayes! Hmm, that needs work.
Jordy Mercer – 2-for-4, 2 runs and two homers in two games, his first two of the year. Hot schmotato alert!
Joe Panik – 2-for-4, 1 RBI. One game, two schmotatoes. It’s a schmorgasbord.
Stephen Strasburg – Effin’ Stressburg was able to throw off flat ground yesterday. Well, here’s to hoping the grounds crew member in charge of the mound owns him in fantasy and does some extra raking.
Jose Bautista – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs and his 8th homer. Okay, so I’ve gone over my terrible trade of Baustista for Strasburg already (still time for Jose to get injured and Stressburg to return!). Well, yesterday, your Fantasy Master Lothario (don’t abbreviate it) made another trade. I traded Jeurys Familia to Sky for Chris Davis. Was really a needs trade. I need to win the league and Sky needs to help me! Kidding. He needed saves and I needed power — thanks, Abreu, Sandoval, Rendon, Cain — should I go on? Why not! — Bogaerts and Yoenis.
Jordan Lyles – Needs season-ending surgery on a torn ligament in his big toe. The toe surgery will be performed by the foremost foot doctor, Dr. Scholl’s.
Jorge Soler – Hit the DL with a left ankle sprain. Whatevs, I told you to sell him weeks ago! Soler will likely be back in the minimum amount of time, but this does open room for one of my main squeezes, Junior Lake (1-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer). That’s right, Junior’s camping out at Lake Jorgelimpa. I grabbed Lake in every league I could, even a 12-teamer. Hey, I have a soft spot for guys with speed and power. Maybe that’s a hard spot. Now, don’t make me shush you.
Jon Lester – 5 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.86. This game came in Crayola Canyon too. That is the new blech. It’s bad when you look across the box score and see Dan Haren (5 2/3 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks) with a better ERA. Get your shizz together, Lester! You’re making Epstein look bad! Oh, who are we kidding, nothing could make him look bad.
Giancarlo Stanton – 1-for-3 and his 17th homer, hitting .231. Some comments were mentioning this yesterday, and I hate to say anything negative about my novio, but I have been watching him, and on some yankers, Giancarlo flinches like I’m trying to touch his package. (His package of snacks he keeps on his bedside table, c’mon!) It could be due to being beaned in the head, but he doesn’t look 100%, and his strikeout rate suggests the same. But, at 85%, he still has 17 homers. Hopefully, it’s something he can move past. I’ll do my best to assist him.
Brandon Phillips – 3-for-5, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 7th steal, and has multiple hit games for three games in a row. Hot schmotato alert!
Maikel Franco – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs, and his 4th homer and 2nd in as many games, hitting .225. Not sure we’re going to see that much this year from him, but he’s swinging a hot bat right now and Prospect Mike is changing his name to Prospect Maikel, so he’s worth a shot.
Shin-Soo Choo – 1-for-2 as he announced that he’s playing with a sprained left pinkie finger. He injured it when Prince bumped into him while Choo was sipping tea.
Josh Hamilton – Out four weeks with a hamstring strain. I can’t even with this guy. Fortunately, that opens a huge gaping hole for…
Joey Gallo – 1-for-4 and his 2nd homer. If you wanna hang ’em, Gallo will bang ’em. Like I said yesterday, he could surprise the league and hit eight donks in 20 games. Donks is not short for badonkadonks, by the way. Now, with Hamilton’s injury, he might be around for four to six weeks. Giddy up!
Nick Martinez – 3 1/3 IP, 7 ER. The Regression Fairies know a great place for brunch, they just can’t lose this last five pounds, and they will rip your ratios out of your chest like Mola Ram.
Jose Abreu – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 9th homer. Give me just 17 homers by the All-Star break and we’re good. Please.
Tyler Flowers – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. That’s Flowers power, you stinking hippie!
Sonny Gray – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA down to 1.65, and this game was in Comerica. Gray’s my boy (literally), but, man, the Tigers are struggling. It’s like they left their bats outside in Detroit unattended.
Josh Reddick – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer. Six out of his last ten games have been hitless, but when Reddick hits a dong he does tend to get hot. Maybe that’s why he’s red.
Anibal Sanchez – 7 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 1 K, ERA down to 5.69. What? Is his ERA on a seesaw with his Ks?
Wil Myers – Had an encouraging batting practice session. That’s like an encouraging class of SAT Prep. Whoopie doo!
Will Middlebrooks – 1-for-3, 3 RBIs. I seriously make so many moves that I was like, “Yay, Middlebrooks did something again! He’s so hot!” Then looked at my team and was like, “Why did I drop him? And when?”
Will Venable – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs. Where there’s a Will there’s apparently a Padre. Venable went cold for a few games, but looks to be heating up again.
Craig Kimbrel – 1 IP, 0 ER, ERA at 4.50, WHIP at 1.40. I think he’ll be fine, but with how he’s pitching this year, I wouldn’t be surprised if we get to October and he says he needs surgery for something that’s bothering him all year.
Michael Cuddyer – Out yesterday with a stiff neck. A little premature on my Cuddyer injury countdown, so I’m going to assume this neck thing will plague him for five to seven days and still hit the DL by next week.
Lance McCullers – 9 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA down to 1.88. Yes, you should own him. Yes, now. Go, this will be here when you get back. Promise. Okay, now that you’re back, McCullers had a 13+ K/9 in Double-A, throws 94+ MPH and could be one of those pitchers that gets hot for a few months until the league figures out to wait on his wildness. In the meantime, he’s ownable everywhere until we see different.
Chris Carter – 2-for-3 and two solo homers (9, 10). You know what gave away that he hit two homers? The fact that he had two hits.
George Springer -2-for-3 and his 8th homer, hitting .231. Next year, Joc or Springer? This will likely go down to the day before 2016 rankings.
Hector Santiago – 5 IP, 5 ER. Ah, buying a day pass to a spa every time you see The Regression Fairies didn’t work this time, huh?
Nate Karns – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 3.63. This comes after throwing a great start in Baltimore last time out, and Karns falls back to a streamer for me, and the Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start.
Steven Souza – 1-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Play that funky music, Souza!
Joey Butler – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and a slam (4) and legs (1). Seriously, there’s no slam and legses this year. There’s been like one a week. It used to be every day. As for Butler, he’s hitting near-.350 in the last week and I’d grab him for a hot bat.
Chad Bettis – 6 IP, 1 ER, 8 baserunners (3 BBs), 5 Ks, ERA at 2.70. The ERA result looks good, but three walks vs. five Ks, and pitches home games in Coors and I don’t see anything here besides a streamer for road games.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-3, 5 RBIs and his 6th homer. Uh-oh, Tulo looks like he’s about to go on one of those 12 homer in 20 games, hitting .470 stretches.
Joc Pederson – 2-for-3, 3 runs and his 17th homer. Seriously. No. Seriously.
Kenley Jansen – Not sure why Jansen wasn’t used in a save situation last night, but I own Yimi Garcia, who hasn’t looked good in a few weeks, and Adam Liberatore and J.P. Howell, the Third, could also be in the mix if something’s wrong with Kenley. This, of course, could just be Mattingly being an idiot and asking for the wrong reliever.
Eduardo Rodriguez – 7 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 0.61. There will be rough patches, and not all opponents will be the Twins, but the nice thing here, besides the 1.5 million words by Boston’s media that has been said already, is Eduardo has good control, so when he goes pear-shaped, it shouldn’t be that bad.
Dustin Pedroia – 5-for-9, 2 runs, 1 RBI. Was only one of two Red Sox players to reach 2nd base in the 2nd game of the doubleheader. Hey, Red Sox hitters, Pedroia will put you on his shoulders, but it’s not going to lift you very high.
Xander Bogaerts – 3-for-4, 1 run, 2 RBIs and his 4th steal in the first game, and 0-for-3 in the 2nd. Looked good in the first game, but little did I know his inner yodeler was about to fall off a cliff.
Mike Napoli – 1-for-7 with his 9th homer. Not quite a bangfizzle, but Napoli didn’t do anything worthwhile in the 2nd game. That’s a Nap slip. Right, Mrs. Napoli?
Phil Hughes – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER, ERA up to 4.96. All of those in favor of killing me for suggesting to draft Hughes say aye. Aye’m an idiot.
Brian Dozier – 3-for-7 and his 10th homer. If Dozier is French for sleep, and Plouffe is French for the sound poop makes when it hits the toilet water, what’s Mauer French for? I’m gonna say ‘heartthrob that causes Minnesotan teen girls in kitten sweaters to swoon.’
Trevor May – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 baserunners, 9 Ks, ERA down to 4.45. In the 2nd game of the doubleheader, May looked in full bloom. Too bad it’s June. The preceding might’ve been lines from a Maya Angelou poem, I’m not sure. May’s peripherals actually don’t look too shabby like Harrison Ford’s quarter Jewish heritage. He’s upped his velocity from last year, has a 8 K/9, 1.4 BB/9 and a 3.54 xFIP. Those numbers make him 14-team, mixed league ownable, but I’d likely go from start to start for now. Stream-o-Nator doesn’t love his next start, but it’s at home and I’d give him a whirl in most leagues.
Eduardo Escobar – 1-for-7, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer. Coming into the doubleheader, he was one for the last week. If Eduardo was on my waivers, and I had FAAB dollars to spend, I’d bid an Ugandan shilling. That’s worth .00032 dollars straight from the Idi Amint.
Oswaldo Arcia – Activated and optioned to Triple-A. He’ll join Kennys Vargas, Josmil Pinto, Alex Meyer and Bryon Buxton as the Twins build one of the best minor league playoff contenders in recent memory. They could be better than the 1998 Watoozi Beavers. Real exciting stuff. If I were a Twins fan that wanted to make a difference, I’d start a petition to boycott the major league team and have everyone go see the minor league teams. I hear online petitions are a good place to start. The online petition is home for such civic change as “Those In Favor Of A Michael Jackson Stamp” and “Let’s Get Ain’t In The Dictionary.”
Fernando Rodney – Lloyd Christmas McClendon said this about Carson Smith, “He doesn’t yet have his man muscles. He needs to mature and continue to develop. He’s doing a nice job, but I think part of him doing a nice job is the fact we’ve put him in positions where he can be successful. When you’re a closer, you don’t have that (luxury). It is what it is, and you’ve got to go in and get it done.” Let’s take this quote one piece at a time. “His man muscles?” Carson is 25 years old. Someone tell Christmas that puberty ends a few years before that. Unless Christmas is standing there with a ruler, waiting for Carson’s balls to drop and he knows something we don’t. He’s putting Smith in positions to succeed? Like in the 8th inning of one run games. Yeah, no pressure there. Okay. When you’re the closer you have to get it done? What has Rodney got ‘done?’ He’s given up 17 earned runs in 22 1/3 IP. He’s done, yes, but cannot ‘get it done.’ In other words, Christmas does not dumb once a year.
Taijuan Walker – 8 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Yeah, and the Stream-o-Nator loved this start too, and hates his next one. So, is Walker a streamer or a holder? You, “Grey, don’t Taijuanna believe?” Me, “I do, but his ERA is 5.80 and has a 2.22 ERA at home and a 9.79 away ERA and he’s about to go on the road. Maybe he’s a home schooler for now. I don’t know, but I don’t trust him at all. If you’re in the kind of league that adds guys rapidly, then grab him, but I’d bench him until I saw a decent road start.”
Brian McCann – Left yesterday’s game to have an MRI on sore right foot. Next time, I’d schedule an MRI on an off day.
Masahiro Tanaka – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 9 Ks. That’s one earned run for every torn elbow tendon he has. If I were a Tanaka owner, I’d be selling like my name was Trader Joe’s and I had cantaloupes that were 30 minutes away from going bad. Is it me or does Trader Joe’s fruit suck? Between the time you pay for it and take it to your car, it goes bad. If you put a peach in your shopping cart and shop for more than a half an hour, the peach is rotten by the time you hand it to a Hawaiian-shirted cashier.
Garrett Jones – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 3rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Don’t expect much, but could be a short-term hot schmotato.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, hitting .241. This Zombino season should be narrated by Vincent Price.
Alex Rodriguez – 0-for-3, 1 run. I was just thinking how we haven’t heard about A-Rod much in the news lately. You know how he could remedy that and something that makes total sense — he starts dating Caitlyn Jenner! C’mon, you could totally see it. They would be the new It couple! A-Rod and Once had a Rod.