Mike Napoli hit his 27th homer yesterday. He now has five straight games with a home run. On the year, he is top 30 for fantasy value on our Player Rater. Dude is such butter right now brioche buns be jumping up on his back. (Why am I not writing rap lyrics?) Uh-oh, Napoli’s so hot, he’s bringing out my rap alter ego, B-Fire. Napoli is such butter right now brioche buns be jumping up on his back! Yo, he’s not whack like some homeboy going to a strip club with a quarter stack! In fact! Grey’s got more indoors, then you got outdoors, and technically there’s more room outdoors for you to have more but nope, my room’s got floors! *dance, prance, romance off your pants* My action lines got asterisks, smooth. Your action lines got an asterisk with an excuse down below why you can’t move. *said while bowing sushi chef-style* Napoli. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Trevor Bauer – 2 2/3 IP, 7 ER. Damn, are we sure a few days ago Chief Wahoo didn’t accidentally misstep during his rain dance making it a run dance?
Tyler Naquin – 1-for-2, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer, hitting .330. He hasn’t cooled in about a month. Some brioche buns could get sloppy seconds from his butter too.
Byron Buxton – Hasn’t been able to play since Sunday. Though, ‘able to play’ might be in the eye of the beholder, then he might not have played all year.
Joe Mauer – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and a home run short of the cycle, for the Juan Pierre Cycle! Mauer now has four-hit games in two of his last three games. You know how much I love Mauer, but, when you’re hot schmotato’ing, you don’t ask questions.
Brian Dozier – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .261. Wow, didn’t realize he was doing so well like Baby Jessica.
Max Kepler – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 2 RBIs. He’s got some butter on the brioche too. (This is so French gangster.)
Lucas Duda – Was prescribed 30 days of rest. Does that mean he goes to CVS with a cot and sleeps in the pharmacy section?
Yoenis Cespedes – Hit the DL with the same quad pain that’s been lingering for a week-plus. You’d think the Human Cespedes would be able to manage with only 99 legs, but nope.
Neil Walker – 4-for-5, 2 runs and his 18th homer. I said about a week ago that Walker is a hot schmotato. Today, I say Last Week Grey was right.
Steven Matz – 6 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 3.63. Spurs are beating Matz worse than the Warriors beat the Spurs. Basketball reference! Right?! Someone high-five me! Gently, I have arthritis.
Gary Sanchez – 1-for-4, 1 run as he was promoted. Gary Sanchez sounds like the whitest Latino since Freddie Prinze Jr. I’d grab Gary if I needed a catcher and if he had catcher eligibility in my league. For full disclosure, I didn’t grab him in a league where I had Grandal.
Mark Teixeira – 1-for-1, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 10th homer, hitting–Holy crap! Do you know what he’s hitting? Wow, when the Yanks DFA A-Roid, they should have Te(i)x drive him out of town. (He’s hitting .198!)
Rob Whalen – 5 IP, 4 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks as he made his major league debut. I searched Razzball for Rob Whalen and I got a Googlewhack. He was mentioned once by Dan Pants. No relation to Dan Culottes. That mention was when he was traded to the Braves from the Mets, Whalen not Pants. Bit surprised Prospector Ralph never mentioned him. I mean, c’mon, Prospector Ralph! Okay, okay, enough of my Whalen. He has a low-90s fastball, solid-enough curve but iffy command. Looks like a flyer for NL-Only leagues.
J.D. Martinez – He returned! Yay! He homered! Uppercase yay! As a pinch hitter. Lowercase yay. What the what? Either return or don’t, but pinch hitting?
Michael Fulmer – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 2.42. Um, yeah, that’s a 2.42 ERA across 104 IP.
Chris Sale – 8 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 3.12. That time you cut up all your team’s jerseys expecting to get traded and then you’re not traded.
Justin Morneau – 1-for-4 and his 3rd homer. Not saying he’s been better than Abreu for the last two weeks but he has.
Cole Hamels – 7 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners (4 BBs), 6 Ks, ERA at 2.89. My thought bubble, “Hamels is a Quality Start machine.” Reality: meh, he’s top six tied with guys like Roark and Lackey (I guess that would be Mr. Roark and Tattoo). Aaron Sanchez has more QS than Hamels.
Kevin Gausman – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.08. If you watch him pitch, you immediately think, “How has he done so little with so much talent?” Not a bad game yesterday, so unfair to bring this up now, but why am I being fair to him? He plays baseball for a living! *thinks about how I talk about baseball for a living* Okay, we’re even Gausman! *sees Gausman’s salary* We’re not even, Gausman!
Aaron Nola – Hit the DL with a sprained elbow. I frickin’ hate teams. Of course he’s been hurt for the last two months. You don’t go from a 3.30 ERA guy with great command to looking like shizz falling out of Bartolo’s rear in the matter of days. I’d guess he’s done for the year, but, even if he’s not, I’d drop him.
Jake Thompson – Could be recalled to take Nola’s spot. That was fast replacing Nola. That reminds me of when boob flashing skyrocketed in Daytona Beach after Hurricane Katrina. Thompson may have terrific stuff, I don’t know, but he has a barely 6.00 K/9 in Triple-A, so I’m gonna sit out this rookie nookie.
Jeanmar Gomez – Placed on paternity leave. It will be the 2nd baby this year in the Gomez family. Earlier this year, Gomez gave birth to a career, and he was barely showing! Grab Hector Neris to vulture some saves.
Cameron Rupp – 2-for-5 and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in as many games. Krapatoa is e-Rupp’ing!
Stephen Piscotty – 1-for-4, 2 runs and his 15th homer. Do you think he’ll get to 25 homers? Piscotty doesn’t know! Piscotty doesn’t know!
Tom Koehler – 6 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 4.05. This start came in Wrigley, so, even in deep leagues where I own Koehler, sonavabench!
Christian Yelich – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 11th homer. Whatever happened with him appearing in the sex tape? Not that I want to see it. Unless it’s also with Giancarlo.
Jeff Mathis – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer. New South! Jeffrey Mathis, please come out here, and tell these folks who yo’ son is. Damn, whatever happened with Bubba Sparxxx. He was like the fifth best white rapper. Between Triumph the Insult Comic Dog as voiced by Robert Smigel and Asher Roth.
Dee Gordon – 3-for-5, 1 run and his 8th and 9th steals. Nine steals was exactly how many steals I had Gordon projected for this season (if a meteor crashed into earth mid-April).
John Lackey – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ERA at 3.70. Got a little FIPlash from this start, and Lackey was the Cubs’ best hitter during his seven innings on the mound, then, once he was gone, the Cubs lifted their malaise, which is not the actress who plays Arya Stark, and beat up my poor defenseless A.J. Ramos (2/3 IP, 3 ER, and 2nd blown save).
Daniel Murphy – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 21st homer, hitting .358. If I would’ve jumped out of a DeLorean in March and told you a National was in the MVP conversation in August and it’s not Harper, how many players would you have guessed prior to Murphy? Strasburg? Scherzer? Ryan Zimmerman, if you’re Sky… I mean, Murphy, dubya tee eff.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 3 ER, 5 baserunners, 11 Ks, ERA at 2.87. Fun fact! Scherzer is the first Max to win a game in Arizona in the summer since Max Blintstein won the 2014 Backgammon Invitational while exclaiming, “I’d celebrate, but I’m too hot.”
Jake Lamb – 1-for-4 and his 23rd homer, and 2nd in as many games. Guess who’s baaaaaaaahck, baaaaaaaahck again.
Yasmany Tomas – 1-for-4 and his 19th homer. No idea where you’ve heard his name before. Maybe it’s from me mentioning him after his six homers in the past 11 games.
Junior Guerra – 4 IP, 4 ER, ERA up to 2.93. Do you think Junior Guerra ever calls up someone and says, “This is Mini War!” Nah, probably not. So, not Guerra’s finest outing, but he has a 2.93 ERA so stop your bitching.
Ryan Braun – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games, hitting .322. Pound for pound, Braun might actually be having a worst RBI season than Freeman. Right now, Freeman has six less RBIs, but is also hitting forty points less.
Edwin Jackson – 8 IP, 3 ER, 8 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.00. Solid game by Edwin, which is the first time that’s been said about him in four-zero score, and seven years ago.
Travis Jankowski – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 22nd and 23rd steals, hitting .242. Because sometimes you need perspective. Jankowski has the 7th most steals in the majors in 164 ABs. None of the six guys above him have less than 300 ABs.
Wil Myers – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 21st steals, hitting .275. Not to upset PETA by beating this dead horse, but Myers has two less steals than Jankowki and 240 more ABs.
Yangervis Solarte – 3-for-5, 4 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer, hitting .294. Cooled off since his last schmotato run about three weeks ago, but it could be time again to stamp your Yangervisa.
Jabari Blash – 1-for-3 and his 1st homer, hitting .189. If San Francisco can have splashdowns, why can’t San Diego have Blashdowns? Do I need to be the Padres’ PR person? I think I do. Elect me in November and I will fix this, along with the economy. Blash has power (maybe 25 HRs over the course of a season), but could hit .175.
Hanley Ramirez – X-rays on his hand revealed no damage. Did they reveal a pacifier because he’s a baby! Clear the room! Grey’s snapping!
Mike Zunino – 2-for-3 and his 5th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. Catcher questions in 3, 2, 1…
Hisashi Iwakuma – 7 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 3.99. Hisashi my dashi — slurp, SLURP! Haven’t had many slurp, SLURP moments this year, have we? Not to answer, but to look back and forth, unsure if I’m talking to you.
Nelson Cruz – 1-for-3 and his 27th homer. It’s possible I’ve been saying all year that Cruz has been great without getting hot that he actually has been hot.
Brock Stewart – 4 IP, 9 ER in his 2nd major league start (don’t worry, I stop counting after two). Could be his last start for a while too, depending on whether or not Bud Norris can start on Saturday, and if Rich Hill’s ready to go and if the DL Boogeyman keeps bothering the Dodgers. To read all about Prospector Ralph’s Brock Stewart fantasy, click that thingie-ma-whatsit.
Carlos Gonzalez – 2-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 22nd and 23rd homer. Poor guy, he wasn’t traded. That’s sad like having to sleep with the same Victoria’s Secret model for the rest of your life. Real tough!
Nolan Arenado – 2-for-3, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 27th homer. That’s not an industrial fan, Auntie Em! That’s a Toreando!
Jefry Marte – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. I keep seeing him hit homers, and I think about mentioning him, but is anyone really picking up Jefry?
Cam Bedrosian – 1/3 IP, 1 ER and his first blown save. Sigh. You, sir, are no Steve Bedrosian. I think Bedrosian is still the best guy in the Angels’ pen, but obviously this opens a bit of daylight for Fernando Salas.
Albert Pujols – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 21st homer, hitting .261. The homer was a ninth inning, walk-off winner. Ah, a Pujols by any other name wouldn’t smell as sweet. Literally.
Lance McCullers – Hit the DL with elbow soreness. That’s baseball speak for “We’ll have to see how he is next March before getting too excited about him for 2017. As for this year, yeah, he’s done.” Damn, baseball speak is long-winded. I could see grabbing Joe Musgrove in mixed leagues. *goes to league waiver page, picks up Musgrove* See?
Collin McHugh – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 10 Ks, ERA at 4.73. Really only blemish was three solo homers allowed. Well, blemish in this game. Obviously a 4.73 ERA has more blemishes than Cameron Diaz.
Josh Donaldson – 2-for-4 and his 26th and 27th homers. F5!
Brad Miller – 2-for-4, 3 runs and his 18th homer, hitting .252. If Miller finally breaking out made no sound, would he still be breaking out?
Steven Souza – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and his 11th homer. Souza hadn’t done anything recently coming into this game, and the band played on.
Kevin Kiermaier – 2-for-4, 2 runs, 3 RBIs and a slam (6) and legs (10). After the game, Kiermaier said, “I slam and legs,” and Trump is looking into him for Islam connections.
Matt Duffy – Will resume rehab on Thursday. I gotta be honest, unless he wants to be a drug counselor, not sure why he’d put rehab on his resume. Gaps in time on a resume aren’t places to put rehab, it’s when you say you were finding yourself. Or talk about freelancing! Or you started a blog!