I hope everyone’s Memorial Day was filled with hot dogs, hamburgers, Coorses (Coorii?), fireworks that were meant to be saved until July 4th but were blown off yesterday so close to your ear that you still have a ringing, and all the other red-white-blue American things one hears backstage at a Larry The Cable Guy concert. My Memorial Day was filled with eating and burping and farting and wearing an American flag t-shirt, but that’s every Monday. Eat a D, ISIS! Someone whose Memorial Day was less than ideal is Mike Trout. He was diagnosed with a ligament tear of his thumb, and will opt for surgery. This will knock him to the DL for the first time in his career, and it will be a two month stay. Just like that, he went from GOAT to goatse. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Andrelton Simmons – 1-for-4 and his 5th homer, hitting over .400 in the last week. Andrelton’s playing out of this world, and that isn’t merely a crack because he looks like an alien.
Luis Valbuena – 1-for-3 and his 3rd homer. Valbuena is one of those guys that gets crazy hot for stretches. Dot dot dot. I just realized there’s about 40 corner infielders with power you can pick up, forget it. Or froget it, if Miss Piggy is reading.
Julio Teheran – 6 1/3 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.82. Teheran got to face the new-look Angels. “Hey, ma, can we go see the Angels? Trout’s gone and Eric Young’s playing,” said no one ever.
David Price – 5 IP, 3 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks as he was activated from the DL. I suppose it could’ve went worse. He could’ve hurt himself again, though, maybe that would’ve been better. Since that option seems off the table (for now), what to make of Price for the rest of the season? I’d put him down for 3.75 ERA, 1.18 WHIP and around a K per inning. Him or Alex Wood? Wood, even with yesterday’s DL stint. Prospector/Pitcher Ralph put Price in the early 50’s of the top 100 starters. That sounds about right; his name value is a lot higher than his actual value.
Mookie Betts – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 8th homer. Mookie Ballgame!
Andrew Benintendi – 0-for-1 as he didn’t start for what feels like the third time in the last week. Benchintendi? Though, it’s only two benchings in the past ten days. Though, Part 2: Another One Of Thoughs, Benintendi’s not doing anything when he plays.
Melky Cabrera – 2-for-4, 4 RBIs and his 6th homer. Now has four homers in the last week, while hitting near-.350 in that time. Get Melky.
Jameson Taillon – Struck out six batters across three innings of a rehab start. This kid’s got ball!
Gregory Polanco – Carted off the field after spraining his ankle. I believe he was carted off the field because of the injury and not because he was just too lazy to walk.
Andrew McCutchen – 1-for-3, 2 runs and his 8th homer, hitting .215. Not sure if you’ve seen McCutchen recently, but he looks like a shell of his former self. Like Han Solo in carbonite.
Carlos Beltran – 4-for-5, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 6th homer, as the Astros exploded for, like, 28 runs in the last two innings yesterday. Twins’ relievers against the Astros were like, “Why do I feel like I just butt dialed an eggplant emoji?”
Carlos Correa – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .311. He still has yet to record a stolen base this year, which would severely dampen his overall fantasy value if he is not going to run much. By the by, I looked up team SB numbers, the Rockies and Orioles have 12 steals all year. There’s eight players with more.
Miguel Sano – 1-for-4 and his 12th homer. Maybe the day of rest on Sunday might’ve done him some good. Didn’t pay off too badly for God.
Byron Buxton – Left yesterday’s game with a lacerated finger. I prefer my fingers macerated with a mint sprig.
Howie Kendrick – 1-for-4 and his 2nd steal as he was activated from the DL. Kevin from ESPN’s “Get Him In Your Lineup” Department said, “In honor of Memorial Day and what we did to the Krauts, I did sixteen Jager bombs and won’t be in today.”
Justin Smoak – 3-for-5, 2 runs, 4 RBIs and his 12th homer, hitting .288. “Please let it be Smoak….Please let it be Smoak…Please let it be Smoak.” That’s you trying to remember which Justin, Smoak or Bour, you picked up.
Troy Tulowitzki – 2-for-5, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer, hitting .265. Oh, yeah, he’ll get hurt again, but sometimes he goes on a week or two tear before the hamstring tear.
Russell Martin – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 3 RBIs and his 4th homer. He’s literally done nothing else of note recently. Not literally, but literally enough.
Adam Duvall – 2-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 14th homer, hitting .279, and his 4th homer in four games. Somebody’s locked in like Houdini in a milk can. Totally fresh reference!
J.D. Martinez – 1-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer. Just Dong because that’s what it says on his Amex.
Danny Duffy – Out six to eight weeks with an oblique strain, which comes after he got beat for six runs in four innings. I believe they call that adding injury to insult.
Brandon Maurer – 1 IP, 0 ER and his 7th save, and 2nd save in two games. I’m glad the leagues where I own him were too deep to drop him. Hayzeus Cristo, do the Padres even know what they’re doing? I thought they were building Hand’s trade value.
Charlie Blackmon – 1-for-4 and his 13th homer, hitting .329. Since no one reads the USA Today anymore and follows along with category leaders like you used to when you were in your teens, guess who leads the major leagues in RBIs. I’ll give you one hint, why am I mentioning this in Blackmon’s blurb? Because it’s an African-American? No, that’s a terrible guess! It’s Chazz Noir. A leadoff hitter leads the majors in RBIs.
Gerardo Parra – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs, which is cool, yay, okay, but not cool, yay, okay if you own Ian Desmond because he’s been getting benched for Parra recently. I still believe in Desmond, so this might be a chance to buy him low.
Trevor Story – 1-for-4 and his 8th homer. Y’all buying low, right? When Coors heats up in the summer, balls are gonna be flizz-ighing out of the park.
Mitch Haniger – Not ready for his rehab stint. Sounds like Michael Madsen.
Aaron Judge – 1-for-4 and his 17th homer. If you sold him prior to his last two games, you’ve got Judge dread. I never broke the law, I AM THE LAW!
Dylan Bundy – 7 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks, ERA at 2.89. Talk about a guy with some ugly peripherals. Maybe he’ll have one of those years where he exceeds his xFIP by two runs until August and then you can just drop him when he goes off the rails like a sober Jason Mewes. However, I wouldn’t count on that.
Jose De Leon – 2 2/3 IP, 3 ER as he was called up to potentially work in the bullpen, get sent right back down or move into the rotation. I grabbed him in one mixed league because his minor league stats — high-12 K/9, low-2 BB/9, barely a 2-something ERA — are butterful. Then again, he might not be up for long. Then again again, Erasmo looked bad yesterday, so De Leon could replace him. Then again again again, Erasmo had just pitched on Sunday. Then again again again again, there is no then again again again again.
Steven Souza – 4-for-5, 4 runs, and 7 for his last 12. Hot schmotato alert!
Tim Beckham – 2-for-4, 3 RBIs and his 8th homer, hitting .262. Push out of your mind he’s been better than Odor. Push it out, Grey.
Joey Gallo – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 16th homer as he played 1B with Adrian Beltre (1-for-5) activated. Nice! As I hypothesized recently, Gallo will get ABs even with Beltre back, though, I don’t know what hypothesized means.
Carlos Carrasco – 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 7 Ks, ERA at 2.89. I’ve lost Kluber and Salazar and I have one Indian pitcher left. Help me, Carrasco, you’re my only hope.
Khris Davis – 1-for-4 and his 16th homer, and 2nd in as many games, and 5th in the last ten games. All he does is hit homers! No, really, he’s hitting .227.
Ryon Healy – 3-for-4 and his 9th homer, hitting .271. Mother, mother, there’s too many of you crying. Brother, brother, brother…This isn’t Sexual Healy, is it? It’s such a good jam though!
Yonder Alonso – 1-for-4 and his 14th homer. “Smoak, Bour, Alonso, To-Jo…” as smoke rises from your ears.
Domingo Santana – 2-for-4 and his 8th homer, and 2nd homer in as many games. It seemed like the entire Brewers team got hot and left behind Sunday Santana, but he’s a hot schmotato now. (Unfortch for the Brewers, Domingo seems to be the only hitter that is hot now.)
Steven Matz – Struck out eight over five perfect innings in Triple-A. I’m sure Matz can be good if he’s healthy. I’m as sure he’s healthy as I’m sure what meat is in McDonald’s burgers.
Robert Gsellman – 7 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 5.75. Okay, do it two more times and I’ll look at you again!
Tanner Roark – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ERA at 3.86 vs. Matt Moore – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 5 Ks, ERA at 4.98. This matchup was billed as, “Mr. Roark vs. Mr. Moore, and does everyone sound like a Bond villain when you say mister in front of their names?”
Ryan Zimmerman – 3-for-4, 2 runs and his 14th homer. Since our “predict when Ryan Braun will miss a game with an injury” contest came to a screeching halt about four days in, we need a harder to predict contest! Since the day-to-day thing added unnecessary confusion, comment below the day you think Zimmerman will hit the DL. The Price is Right rules apply again, meaning before beats after. The winner also gets a Razzball t-shirt.
Bryce Harper – 0-for-3 and thrown out of the game after charging Hunter Strickland, who apparently hit him because Harper homered twice off Strickland over two years ago. Rihanna forgave Chris Brown quicker. Is it me or does it seem like 99% of baseball fights are the combatants waiting to be held back by their teammates? The number one thing heard in baseball brawls, “Let me at him!” The best part of the fight, Buster Posey didn’t even move to help his pitcher. Apparently, he was like, “Yo, if Rihanna can move on, so can Strickland.”
Randal Grichuk – Optioned to High-A Palm Beach to work on his strike zone recognition and landing a sugar momma.
Paul DeJong – 2-for-4 and hit a home run in his first major league at-bat on Sunday. First off, he looks like he wore Opti-Grabs too long. Second, he’s got power to spare, hitting 11 HRs in only 46 games of Triple-A. He’ll likely only platoon on the weak side, so he’s a batty call when facing lefties.
Logan Forsythe – 1-for-4 and his 1st homer, hitting .238. You in March, “I’m drafting Forsythe, because he’s safe and produces.” You in June, “Should I pick up Forsythe again?”
Cody Bellinger – 1-for-4 and his 11th homer. Member when someone commented two days after Bellinger was promoted that his swing was too long and he should be demoted? Hot take!
Rich Hill – 5 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 4 Ks, ERA at 4.09. Solid start; too bad to start again for the Dodgers is like getting on the line at Batman: The Ride. “The line starts by the frozen lemonade stand? Geez.”
Alex Wood – Hit the DL with SC joint inflammation. I used to inflame my joints all the time. Sometimes I’d inflame a bong too. The Dodgers aren’t just taking advantage of the new 10-day DL they are spending the night with another girl, and having the 10-day DL come over at 3 AM. I swear to you, I Googled “SC joint inflammation” with quotes plus baseball and could not find another instance of this injury. The Dodgers like their rotation like they like their Chinese restaurants, crowded with a few Asians.